JWOW

jewish women of wisdom

Covid and Our Cohort

By Rebbetzin Faigie Horowitz, MS

Our experiences during the pandemic have confirmed our status. Midlifers are clearly different than other generations. We aren’t elderly at severe risk for our lives, yet we may have health conditions that preclude us from uncomplicated responses to the virus. We are careful on our own besides being told to be cautious, mask up, and maintain social distancing.

This has been a time of turning inwards for us on one hand. We didn’t have shul, attend simchas, host family, shop or have normal social interactions. It took effort to pick up the phone and call or even reach out by email. So many of us have turned inwards. Starting from the pre-Pesach need to do our own cleaning, we have nested. We’ve organized closets, gone through photos, and read a lot. We’ve upped our tech skills and don’t have to rely on others to teach us how.

It’s also been a time for turning outwards. We have reached out to family and friends who are alone, checking on them and staying in touch. We have reached out to those with losses in their family not only to be menachem avel but to be supportive during their time of vulnerability, calling them after the shiva period to see if they want to talk or be alone. Many of us know people who, for whatever reason, are particularly vulnerable. They may tend to be anxious. They have had medical issues. Some just take things to heart in a very deep way. We tried to be sensitive and considerate of their feelings at the same time.

I think, generally midlifers come from a particularly respectful and seasoned place. We have gone through ups and downs ourselves. We understand hardship and life because we have lived it. We tend to count our blessings and be grateful. We have learned to be daveners and to talk to Hashem as we move through our daily responsibilities and challenges.

Resilience is a general quality of our age group, even if we haven’t had to entertain and educate six kids with four phones and only three devices. Covid reminded us to exercise our coping skills. Many of us who are children of survivors focused on the fact that we have food, heat, and security. Some of us experienced 9/11 very personally. We have all had challenges by now and have developed some resilience.

Nonetheless, some of us have had more trouble with the confusion and uncertainty of Covid. Some people focus on when is it going to be over. Some feel sad and lonely and find it hard to focus on anything beyond what they can’t have and what they can’t do now. Uncertainty can be very challenging; we cannot control things and have to live day by day, doing our best and hoping and praying for improvement.

There are several changes in our family relationships since the start of this new way of life. The obvious one is the one with our adult children. Like donning the oxygen mask first in case of an airplane emergency, we have learned to protect ourselves first, and then worry about the others. This is a shift for our active generation which is used to first helping the other layers of the sandwich. Selfcare comes first during a health crisis and that meant not hosting, not giving, and not shepping nachas directly. Some of us cooked for the kids initially for Pesach. They don’t necessarily have Pesach kitchens and had all the kids underfoot while cleaning.

Midlifers come from a particularly respectful and seasoned place.

Some prepared activities for Chol HaMoed, like my friend who wrote up a competitive scavenger hunt for all of her families. But as the pressure to homeschool developed and the weeks passed, our kids needed and received support from their peers, rather than from us. Their friends gave them ideas for activities, creativity, schedules, gardening projects, charts, and more. We validated their struggles and pressures but the real support came from people in their age group. They were responsible, and we could not help them.

It was us and our spouses spending weeks together. Our relationships were challenged. We had to find more things to talk about, safe ways to share our fears and hopes, and be understanding of each other. We talked and walked together. Effort was expended to keep things pleasant because there was no place to escape if we got angry or upset.

Our generation is traditional about gender roles. There was no help and the jobs we delegate usually became ours. We picked up our long unused aprons and did so much housework. We tried to be creative about partnering on some of the chores. We were certainly creative in the kitchen and the dining room in an effort to make our empty tables look more attractive and interesting. We made do with what was in the house rather than risk our lives to go shopping.

Our resilience was not just about not leaning on the kids for tech help and the grandkids for entertainment. Many became more open about their wants and needs. Pesach at home was great, said many friends. I got to participate in the seder and talk Yetzias Mitzrayim with my spouse. I don’t want to go back to the other way is a way of expressing personal preferences, something that not all women of our generation are comfortable doing.

I think that our kids see us differently too now. They understand that we are vulnerable and are not always the Giving Tree. Covid accomplished much more than the magazine articles about kids coming for yom tov and not being considerate. The next generation has learned to be independent and to be more effective parents. The fact that they have to run their own lives is validated. We will still be solicited for support and money but we have learned that they can only become resilient on their own.

Let’s wear our Covid badges with pride. We survived and thrived during the pandemic. And we let our kids do so, too.

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