We needed something surprising. We wanted to choose a presenter who is the worst presenter for a live app possible; you know, the person who did the worst mess up on live TV ever. - A representative of Livelens, an Israeli app company, explaining why they chose the imposter sign language interpreter from Nelson Mandela’s funeral to appear in their ad campaign
The Koch Brothers actions against the environment aren’t limited to toxic emissions. Charles and David Koch are waging a war against anything that protects the environment. Now I know that sounds absurd, but it’s true. While the Koch brothers admit to not being experts on the matter, these billionaire oil tycoons are certainly experts at contributing to climate change. That’s what they do very well. They are one of the main causes of this. Not a cause, the main cause. - Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) in a tirade against the Republican-backing Koch brothers
A new report came out that calls Venezuela the most miserable country on earth. After hearing this, Kim Jung Un said, “What do I have to do? What do you want from me?” - Conan O’Brien
Thursday is the deadline for Iran to meet a series of measures to delay its nuclear program. Then Iran said, “Do you mean ‘DEADLINE deadline’ or ‘Sign up for Obamacare deadline?’” - Jimmy Fallon
I am sure that 2014 will go into the annals of our whole country as the year when the nations living here firmly decided to be together with Russia, affirming fidelity to the historical truth and the memory of our ancestors. - Russian President Putin at a military parade in Crimea
With their loss to the Braves yesterday, the Chicago Cubs became the third team in baseball history to lose 10,000 games. The poor Cubs— they can’t even win a losing contest.
Changing Lanes? Use Yah Blinkah. - Message appearing on electronic highway signs throughout Boston as part of a new safe driving campaign It’s terrible, and I got my receipt. And I told them I can’t eat that kind of sauce. The marinara sauce is terrible. They made my mom another sandwich without a problem, but they say they won’t make me a sandwich. - 37-year-old Bevalente Hall’s complaint when she called 911 to complain that Subway got her order wrong, leading to her being charged with making an unwarranted 911 call
- Jimmy Fallon
People who did not receive a response to a status update experienced lower levels of belonging, self-esteem, control, and meaningful existence than did those who received a response. - A recent study by Taylor & Francis Group about the negative impact of not being popular on Facebook
In a biography, Michael Jordan said that as a kid he saw so much racism that he began to hate, quote, “all white people.” Jordan said he only started to feel compassion for white people after watching them play basketball. - Conan O’Brien
I always knew I’d be more than happy to donate a kidney if I only knew how to go about it. When I saw that on there, I knew that was a sign and I had to do it. - Jacklyn Mellott of Ohio, 56, explaining why she responded to a “Wanted: kidney” ad on Craigslist and donated one of her kidneys to a stranger
Sony has invented a new kind of cassette tape that could store 47 million songs. They estimate that they’ll be ready to demonstrate the new cassette for the public sometime in the year 2267 when it finishes rewinding. - Seth Myers
Women would leave me after I told them that I murdered my previous wives. But I spent 14 years in jail. I have changed. - A disclosure made by a 62-yearold contestant on a dating show in Turkey
#BringBackOurGirls - Social media campaign in response to the recent mass kidnapping in Nigeria, which involves celebrities such as Michelle Obama posing with the hashtag The 5 stages of Western Reaction to Foreign Events: 1 Ignorance 2 Wikipedia wisdom 3 Outrage 4 #SolidarityHashtag 5 Tedious self-obsession - Tweet by Sudanese-born writer Nesrine Malik
Did the sponsor consider raisins as a potential official state snack? Perhaps pretzels? … What if the pretzel was dipped in yogurt? … Cheesecake? - Tough questions asked by NY State Senator Gustavo Rivera (D-Bronx) to Sen. Michael Ranzenhofer, (R-Williamsville) who sponsored a bill to make yogurt the official New York State snack, during the one hour debate before the measure passed
I like my guns like Obama likes his voters: Undocumented. - Sign outside of a Texas gun shop
A public servant who accepts bribes is akin to a traitor. This is a man who was on top of the world. He served as prime minister, the most important position, and from there he reached the position of a man convicted of criminal offenses. - Tel Aviv District Court Judge David Rozen, while sentencing former Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert to six years in prison.
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A guy got a tattoo on his leg of the KFC Double Down sandwich. He wanted to do something he would regret even more than eating a KFC Double Down sandwich. - Conan O’Brien
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