A Guide to Personal Resilience

marriage in the extended family unless the access visit was changed, this too would require parents to be flexible in the name of putting the children first.

Clearly worded and structured custody and access arrangements are often necessary in order to set the ‘rules’ and avoid unnecessary conflict between parents. As well, parents and children can then organize their lives and personal commitments in context of knowing where they will be and when. The children themselves can, if of sufficient age, know ahead of time and plan their involvements and activities accordingly. As good as such clarity and consistency is, the best plans however are those that provide elbow-room for change as unforeseen or special circumstances may require from time to time. And as vital as it is for parents to keep to the agreement, it is also critical that they communicate with one another, that they compromise and adjust on those exceptional occasions as called for.

Yet another sensitive issue that can arise in custody and access arrangements is that of a child resisting or refusing to visit a parent. The child may be downcast, show anger toward the parent who is seen to be ‘forcing’ the visit, or even cry and throw a temper tantrum. What to do? The parent who has the child may certainly wish to abide by the agreement but questions at what emotional expense to the child if this is what happens.

The parent ready to receive the child may begin to wonder if the other parent is doing something ‘to turn the child off’ from visiting and thereby deliberately undermining one’s own role and involvement. In dealing with this type of child reluctance, the first course of action is to determine why the reluctance exists, bearing in mind that the more intense the opposition, the more likely it is that forcing the child will be counterproductive. It is therefore critical to take the time to get to the bottom of why the child feels as he or she does. Intense reactions can hide very genuine fears, from being afraid for whatever reason of leaving a parent upon which the child is overly dependent, to having expectations of harsh or abusive treatment at the hands of the receiving parent or the environment that one is being sent into. Once the reasons for reluctance have been explored, and if untoward elements have not been found, it may well be that the child’s temperament is such that more explaining needs to be done to help the child understand the purposes behind the scheduled visits. A more graduated visitation schedule may also need to be adopted, at least initially, to help the child ease into the visits at a pace more in line with his or her readiness. Counseling of course can also be helpful here as in every other instance where a child’s unhappiness becomes evident and does not respond to more usual efforts.

Finally, custody and access issues can unfortunately occur in context of more disturbing circumstances. Violence, intimidation, threats, and abuse may either have originally led one parent to leave the other or come to characterize the parent to parent relationship after the breakup. A restraint order may need to be pursued prohibiting the offending party from harassing or otherwise interfering with the other parent or the children. In such instances even telephone access to the parent and the children may need to be denied, and the address and residence of the parent and children may similarly need to be