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ylkeeW rekraP ehT Happy Joke Issue!
Volume CX, Issue 8
WAGNER EXPOSED!
365
Parker Democracy No Longer Embryonic
I
OR LOST ADMINISTRAT
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WHAT WILL THE FOX SAY?
Tucker Carlson Announced as Commencement Speaker
By News Max
t was a usage of the Parker Mission Statement that no one could have ever anticipated. When asked about his Presidential Legacy, Carter Wagner responded, “I was acting with empathy, courage and clarity as a responsible citizen and leader to make this community the most diverse and most democratic anyone has ever seen.” Despite Wagner’s personal opinions on his legacy, the February 10, 2021 revelation regarding his ascendancy to the presidency will forever mark the records of the 2020-21 FWP student government. Through deep investigation and submission of whistleblower complaints, “The Weekly” uncovered the source of Wagner’s victory: fraud. For the first time in Parker history, the 2020 student government presidential election was rigged. Wagner ’s presidential plans and aspirations long predated the Spring 2020 election. Early in his high school career, Wagner trademarked his presidential slogan “Be smarter, vote Carter.” Although Parker students are encouraged to lead with empathy, Wagner’s ambitions for selfserving control of the student government drove him to unprecedented actions. Investigations reveal that Wagner’s first attempts to grab power of the Parker gavel began in October of 2020, when Wagner threatened the Student Body President of Latin Nick Chu to aid him in Parker’s presidential election. Although it is unknown how many attempts Wagner made to enlist Mr. Chu, ultimately Chu refused to participate in Wagner’s plan. Consequently, Wagner threatened to damage the “Roman’s Run” running path over Latin’s homecoming weekend if Chu was not complicit in alleging wrongdoing by Wagner’s primary presidential rival and members of her family. Despite these efforts and threats, no damage was done to the “Roman’s Run” path. While the leader down the block refused to engage in Wagner’s scheme, the whole ordeal would not disappear with the homecoming streamers. When news of Wagner’s plans were revealed by a whistleblower letter in October 2020, Parker administration assumed that the student body would demand Wagner’s resignation. Despite this
April 1, 2021
By Losey Rimmer Sign in Administration Hallway shows progress and excitment. Photo by Grace Conrad.
ADMINISTRATORS RETAINED
School Leadership Chooses to Stay
S
By Colonel FranTess Wayland Parker
ince March 13, 2020, the Parker community has faced a year of uncertainty and unknowns with the chaos of the COVID-19 pandemic. Through shifts from in-person to remote to hybrid, the student body has been led by a dependable team of administrators, all of whom will be continuing for the 2021-22 academic year. Though many independent schools have higher turnover rates than their public counterparts, Parker has enjoyed a record low of 0 administrative departures this school year. Upper School Head Justin Brandon, who has been at the school since 2017, and Intermediate and Middle School Head John Novick, who began in 2013, have both officially announced that they will not be leaving the school this July. “Parker’s taught me to be innovative, so I decided not to apply for any other jobs,” Novick said, “and instead just keep the one I have.” “I knew that I had to stay because one of my most important programs here in the Upper School hasn’t yet realized its full potential,” Brandon said. “I’m excited to share that I’ll be coordinating the launch of Milano Friday.” The heir to the Pepperidge Farm family fortune is set to enter Parker’s sixth grade next fall. Principal Dan Frank sent an allschool email shortly after they announced, asking the community to “join him in congratulating” Brandon and Novick and wishing them luck in their exciting next chapter. Chef Zac Manness will be preparing ‘No
Turnover’ Apple Turnovers for in-person students to celebrate, with ‘Corn’tinuity tortilla chips and ‘Succession Plan’tains available as a gluten-free option. Frank is celebrating as well. “I’m reminded of the wisdom from Corinthians we start each school year with,” Frank said. “If the body had lost its eyes, its ears, and its hands within two years, I bet that would be a problem.” Senior Olivia Hanley, the current Student Interview and Recommendation Board (SIRB) head, has struggled with the lack of candidates to give input on. SIRB typically keeps a busy schedule of interviews and follow-up meetings to give input into hiring processes, but noted that this year has been unusually slow. “To be honest, we’ve had a really low workload,” Hanley said. “We just use our meetings to play Tic Tac Toe.” Many fellow administrators credit Frank for keeping the administrative wing of the school stable. Frank has been working at the school since 1988 and graduated from Parker in 1974, and it is widely rumored that his mother Joan Harris went into labor on Clark Street and gave birth in the plot of land that would soon become the Parker alcove in 1901. “Frank has really fostered a supportive environment for career development,” an unnamed Assistant Principal said. “I see a real future for myself at Parker where I can continue to support our young women.” Novick, Brandon, and Frank are going to continue working together through the
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“I
t’s hard to be ambitious if you are content, isn’t it?” This question, posed by Tucker Carlson, is very relatable to senior class seeing as they are ambitious but definitely not content. Therefore, the senior class was not surprised when the administration announced that Carlson would be speaking at Commencement. After the hard year we have all gone through, the administration felt the senior class did not know what it really meant to be seniors, meaning no senior could give a meaningful commencement speech. How could anyone give a speech about our class coming together and learning to move towards the future, when many of us haven’t even stepped foot in the building? Luckily, the administration was able to find someone who not only fell in line with the Parker mission statement but someone who was generous with free press. Because as Parker and “Fox News” both know, all press is good press. Carlson is a conserative television journalist and political commentator who has hosted “Tucker Carlson Tonight” on “Fox News” since 2016. Carlson hosts the most watched cable news show in the country where he not only strongly advocates for Trumpism but discusses that all the rich kids go to Francis Parker. Many students are shocked not only at another choice from the administration to limit the seniors traditions but at the choice of a speaker whose ideologies are so different from those in the Parker community. While “Fox News” argued in court last year that Carlson does not “state actual facts” on his show, the student body prefers misinformation to no information at all. “We thought it would be a great idea to bring in a speaker who presented a different perspective,” Head of the Upper School Justin Brandon said. Many are pleased at this choice to bring political diversity into our embryonic democracy, but are confused about the timing—it seems strange to only introduce those leaving our Parker bubble
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The Parker Weekly Joke Issue, Page 2
T he P arker W eekly
“The Weekly” is supported by an endowment created in memory of Brad Davis ‘98 “Weekly” Staff ‘96-’98, “Weekly” Editor-in-Chief ‘97-’98
Visit us at parkerweekly.org
In this issue:
staff
Editor-in-Chief Editor-in-Chief Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Online Editor News Editor Features Editor Opinions Editor Photo Editor Political Liaison Culture Critic Culture Critic Columnist Columnist Columnist Columnist Cartoonist Copy Editor Copy Editor Copy Editor Copy Editor
Zach Joseph Julia Marks Nick Skok Tess Wayland Jacob Boxerman Emma Manley Sofia Brown Gabe Wrubel Grace Conrad Leila Sheridan Scarlett Pencak Lilly Satterfield Rosey Limmer Spencer O’Brien Denise Román Grayson Schementi Maddy Leja Samantha Graines Max Keller Alya Satchu Eden Stranahan
The Editorial Board of “The Parker Weekly” consists of the Editors-in-Chief, Managing Editor, News Editor, Features Editor, Opinions Editor, and Online Editor.
writers Rosey Limmer ‘21 Julia Marks ‘21 Zach Joseph ‘21 Alex Schapiro ‘21 Nick Skok ‘21 Sofia Brown ‘22 Jacob Boxerman ‘22 Emma Manley ‘22 Tess Wayland ‘22
HEYYY EVERYONE! Happy April Fools’ Day! It’s been a wild year, that’s for sure. So now, it’s time to sit back and laugh. We have some awesome content in here, and we can’t wait for you all to see what we have put together! Make sure you read Harry Lowitz and Riya Jain’s piece on the groundbreaking news that there is no more “no cut” policy, and Rosey Limmer’s piece on Tucker Carlson being announced as the comencement speaker. Also, please remember that although the content in this issue is ficticious, our writers and staff still worked incredibly hard on this issue, so be sure to give them a big congratulations! And, of course, don’t forget to check out our website, parkerweekly.org, which we continue to update with exclusive and exciting content!! Love, Zach, Julia, and Nick
Eli Greenwald ‘23 Max Keller ‘23 Benjamin Rachel ‘23 Sophia Rosenkranz ‘23 Eden Stranahan ‘23 Arjun Kalra ‘24 Harry Lowitz ‘24 Riya Jain ‘24
contributing faculty Faculty Advisor Faculty Advisor
Letter From The Editors
Kate Tabor Eric Rampson
Quote of “The Weekly” “Anything to avoid a possible lawsuit!” - Emma Manley on quote checking for joke issue articles
The Parker Weekly Joke Issue, Page 3
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Playlist of “The Weekly” HAPPY APRIL FOOLS’ DAY!! By Alex Schapiro
The full mix can be accessed at https://open.spotify.com/ playlist/3CK2roJiY61dVkBpdJ6jYb?si=2213a8d813e3434e&nd=1 or by scanning the code below.
I’M ON A BOAT by The Lonely Island & T-Pain
WHATEVER YOU LIKE PARODY
I KNEW YOU WERE TROUBLE PARODY
by “Weird Al” Yankovic
by Bart Baker
HISTORICALLY ACCURATE DISNEY PRINCESS SONG
THE RANT SONG by Scrubs
by Rachel Bloom
MY CORONA
WASH YOUR HANDS
TRIBUTE
by Chris Mann
by The Holderness Family
by Tenacious D
The Parker Weekly Joke Issue, Page 4
News
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WHAT DO WE WANT? GOODIES! Parents Association Announces End to Goody Bag Pick Ups; Protests Ensue By $0fi@ Br0ẉñ On Monday, March 1, Parker declared a state of emergency as families poured onto the campus demanding snacks and trinkets. Following the Parker Parents’ Association’s (PPA) announcement that they will no longer be organizing goody bag pickups, the school community has been in disarray. “In my opinion, the nut-free candy was really the glue that held this community together during these tough times,” senior Carter Wagner said while brandishing a sign saying “Muffins Now!” in fat blue letters. “It was something we could all share while being apart.” According to an anonymous PPA member, the association felt that Parker’s funds could be placed elsewhere. “After much debate, the parents on the board decided that the money being used for candy and toys might be of more use for the medical committee given the circumstances, but I guess we were wrong.” So far this year, goody bags have been given out for 38 official and semi-official events including the Fall Play, the first day of school, the second day of school, finals week, dog owner appreciation day, the second Monday of each month, world happiness day, and the Super Bowl, among others. Students and parents could pick up the treats and receive a “virtual hug” by
one of the parent volunteers at Grant Place next to the Development Office. A full gallery of these giveaways, or “SWAG SURPRISES” as they were described, can be found on the PPA’s Instagram page, @ fwpcommunityconnect, along with exciting emojis. Now that the giveaways have been put to an end, many students a r e concerned about their mental health. “I don’t know how I’ll get through online school without Parker’s exceptional muffins and bagels,” junior Ava Utigard said. “I just can’t believe they would take those away from us, especially as the second semester workload is picking up.” Parker parent Taylor Sullivan agreed with the importance of the goody bags, saying that his kids “played with the plastic
Parker football and beads almost every day,” and that their family’s living room shelf dedicated to Parker souvenirs would be too empty without the presence of goody bags. “I think it’s absolutely ludicrous,” he said. “We pay more in tuition than 75% of Americans pay in housing costs. If they stop the constant source of high quality Parker b r a n d e d merchandise, what are we even paying for?” T h e announcement was sent out in an email o n F r i d a y, February 26. Two days later, chaos ensued. Hoards of people, all masked and six feet apart, marched up to the Development Office on Clark Street accompanied by others honking their cars in support. “It was really crazy,” bystander Frank Barnes said. Barnes was walking to the Dunkin’ Donuts on Clark Street and Belden Avenue when he heard shouts in the
“if they stop the constant source of high quality Parker branded merchandise, what are we even paying for?”
distance. “I turned around, and there was this mob of people in navy and white coming closer, so I made a run for it.” I n a c c o r d a n c e w i t h C h i c a g o ’s COVID-19 health guidelines, the protest was limited to 100 individuals. That didn’t stop the rest of the community from participating through their in-person friends’ Zooms by using the raise hand feature and unmute button to state their grievances. Athletics Operations Coordinator Ellen Sandquist heard the disturbance from her office on the lower floor. “I went outside to see what was going on, and was surprised to see signs demanding Parker spirit gear,” Sandquist said. “It was my time to shine.” Sandquist masked up and met the protesters from a distance out on the sidewalks, tossing bucket loads of shirts, trophies, beads, and pom poms to their reaching hands. Most of the crowd dispersed soon after, satisfied with their haul for the time being. “I really wanted those muffins,” Wagner said, “but at the end of the day, these beads are kinda fun.” Sandquist shared Wagner’s positive attitude, saying that it was “a pretty big success. Only time will tell whether that was enough to keep them at bay.”
PARKER CUTS NO CUTS FWP Athletics Department Takes a Significant Step Towards Exclusion By Riya Lowitz and Harry Jain Seven high school students and members of the Parker JV Girls Basketball team walked out of the big gym on Friday, March 5, in tears. For the first time ever, Parker sports teams have cut players. “I found out my lululemon leggings weren’t just sweat resistant,” said one of the players in despair, “but also tear-resistant.” One of Parker’s main philosophies has been their strict no-cut policy towards sports. This means there aren’t any tryouts. Everyone is welcome and will have a guaranteed spot on a team. However, it has recently been announced by the Director of Athletics Bobby Starks that by March 1st, Parker will be getting rid of that policy. He believes that this is the best way for students to develop into competitive thinkers in search of a challenge. Starks received a series of “strongly worded” messages from Parker coaches, recommending the immediate removal of the no-cut policy. “The coaches made their feelings towards the no-cut policy abundantly clear,” Starks said, “but do not
worry, I quickly rejected all of the bribery.” The Parker website athletics page mentions, “The school’s commitment to a no-cut policy with respect to athletics ensures inclusivity, regardless of a student’s skill level or experience.” Eighth Grade English teacher and softball coach David Fuder explained that after closer examination, he and other coaches determined that inclusivity is non-essential and detrimental to the success of Parker Athletics. “I like winning,” Fuder said, “and when we worry too much about including everyone, we have fewer wins, which puts me in a deep and consuming despair.” He is “elated” to not be subject to the no-cut policy anymore, and he began to list the players that he will not miss. An anonymous coach corroborated the ideas of his fellow coaches. He had started collecting data a few years into his tenure and he noticed a sharp decline in the categories of “ability” and “non-suckiness,” over the past several years. He thought that the change was absolutely necessary and
estimated that by eliminating the no-cut policy, his team’s success could quintuple. The Parker Philosophy statement states, “We are deliberately composed of a diverse group of people committed to equity and inclusion throughout the school.” This is being abandoned immediately as in order to be included, you must work hard. The new statement states that “If you aren’t good at sports, you take the L.” Thanks to the elimination of the no-cut policy, the Parker Boys Varsity Basketball team has been reduced to one player. After muchdeliberation and observation, the coaches came to the conclusion that there was only one qualified player. According to the coaches, another possible factor in the decision to shrink the team was that they thought it would be funny to have Parker play games with only one person. The remaining Varsity Boys Basketball team player has chosen to remain anonymous, a decision he made after losing the ParkerLatin game by 170 points. The Parker Athletics Department wants
to make it clear that they do not endorse, support, recognize or affiliate with any students who are playing sports but did not make the Parker team for that sport. A new set of guidelines will ensure that the student is not associated with the Parker team, including clauses that restrict the wearing of Parker apparel while playing relevant sports and forbid the use of relevant limbs in an athletic manner while on school property, i.e. a student who does not make the soccer team must not bend their legs at Parker. Michael Jordan, arguably the GOAT, said, “When I got cut from the varsity team as a sophomore in high school, I learned something. I knew I never wanted to feel that bad again. I never wanted to have that taste in my mouth, that hole in my stomach. So I set a goal of becoming a starter on the varsity.” This kind of drive is what Parker wants to place on their students going forward along with a feeling of brutal competition and toxicity.
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Breaking News
The Parker Weekly Joke Issue, Page 5
COLONEL COOKIES
Parker buys Insomnia Cookies as Compensation for Class of 2021’s Missed Senior Year By Mulia Jarks
During the COVID-19 pandemic, each grade at Parker undoubtedly lost important aspects of the year, whether it be a graduation, prom, retreats, or just time at school. At the end of the 2019-2020 school year, Parker purchased a box of Insomnia cookies for each senior in the class of 2020 as a small gift from the school to celebrate their time at Parker. This year, however, the school decided that one box of cookies was not enough. Instead, they purchased the entire company in honor of the class of 2021. “We wanted to honor this years’ senior class,” Dean of Student Life Joe Bruno said. “The class of 2021 lost almost their whole year, and a single box of cookies just wasn’t enough.” With this purchase, each member of the class of 2021 is granted free cookies for life. In addition, Insomnia cookies will now be the only food item sold in the Parker cafeteria, except to the class of 2021, who can take cookies for free. “I am absolutely thrilled,” senior Emily Simon said. “I love Insomnia cookies, and I am so excited to have free cookies for the
rest of my life. Free cookies are definitely said. “Plus, it was a strong strategic move worth missing my entire senior year for.” for the school. We’ve made a lot of money T h i s from selling purchase was cookies.” exciting for the As the students, but new CEO of was not easy Insomnia, to make. “This Bruno has was a tough invented a purchase for variety of new us to agree flavors, such upon,” Michael a s “ R e e s e ’s Ta t t e r s f i e l d , Pieces of the C E O o f House,” “This Krispy Kreme Concludes and owner the Morning of Insomnia Chex Mix,” Parker’s new purchase on Lincoln to compensate c o o k i e s and, the most for the class of 2021’s missed senior year. Picture said. “Insomnia p o p ular new credits, Caroline Skok. is an incredibly flavor, “Embryonic successful business, Democracookie.” and we were sad to lose them, but the “My personal favorite flavor is the Parker administrators made a convincing ‘Embryonic Democracookie,’” Simon said. case.”Bruno agreed. “We had to do a lot of “It’s the perfect mix of sweet, salty, and convincing to make this happen, but since listening to the voices of the students.” the purchase, we have seen a huge increase Tattersfield has even taken inspiration in the excitement of our seniors,” Bruno by the new flavors Bruno created, and
hopes to incorporate them into his other businesses. “I love how much each flavor really connects to the community,” he said. Another significant change to the company after Parker’s purchase was the logo. Instead of the recognizable purple, the logo now dons Parker’s colors, blue and white. “It was go big or go home,” Bruno said. “We really wanted Insomnia to represent the school, down to the logo. We love that the new colors show the Parker spirit.” It is clear that the purchase of Insomnia Cookies was a great success for the community, although it does leave questions for what the class of 2022 may receive from Parker. “We are hoping the class of 2022 does not lose as much as the class of 2021,” Bruno said. “But, if they do, we will have to brainstorm some new companies to purchase.”
THE BEGINNING OF A BEAUTIFUL FRIENDSHIP Tucker Carlson hosts an MX leading to a riot
Outrage and protests have thrown the school into disarray after the Parker Republicans Club brought in Tucker Carlson as the latest MX speaker. During the MX, many students walked out after Carlson’s assertion that Parker was the most elitist Chicago school, heading directly to the compost bin, the contents of which would later be used as their weapon of choice against Carlson. After Carlson said that rich kids “go to Francis Parker” on national TV, the longstanding idea for a “Parker Republicans” club was finally brought to life by seniors Elliot Landolt and Matthew Garchick, inspired by the famous pundit’s call out. Mr. Bigelow, who recently returned to his Republican self, was brought on as the sponsor. “We wanted to make this club because the voices of Republicans at Parker were being systematically suppressed, and it is not right for any student to feel like they can’t express their opinions,” Garchick said. The club had a shaky start, with low attendance. However, that all changed when the “Garch Made Me Do This” podcast started to garner attention from listeners all around the country. Even Q, the head of the online dashboard QAnon, said that he regularly tuned into the podcast. Eventually, Carlson contacted Garchick as he was a huge fan of the podcast and offered to come to Chicago to meet Garchick and speak to the school. Garchick connected Carlson and Bigelow, who organized the
By A. Kalra
MX. “It was one of the great honors of my life. To speak with someone with whom I share so many values and political opinions, especially someone of that high a degree of intelligence.It was truly extraordinary,” Bigelow said. On February 29, Upper School students were allowed back into the auditorium for the first time since March 2020 to see this esteemed guest. Only every third seat in every other row was occupied and it was required that all students in attendance double mask. These precautions, in addition to Parker’s advanced filtration system, were intended to prevent a COVID-19 outbreak, but when Carlson stepped onto the stage, he took both masks off and urged all real men to do the same and congregate in the front two rows. Many students obliged. Carlson started by talking about the dangers of Parker’s curriculum, especially the teaching of American Imperialism and slavery. “This school’s US history is an abomination!” Carlson said. “It teaches students to hate the greatest nation in the world. It teaches you that the people who founded this very nation are villains and that the great Senators and generals who tried to create a better nation were evil.” He talked about the golden age of his grandparents’ era where he claimed, “There wasn’t this idea that a woman staying home
and loving her children was terrible.” Many students started to shift uncomfortably in their seats. However, those crowded together in the first two rows were nodding along to the comments. That is, until he criticized Parker as the school for Chicago rich kids, calling back to comments he made this January. Freshman Kyle Feitler was a leader in the following riot. “That was too far for me,” Feitler said, wearing a $500 outfit and holding a Canada Goose jacket. “I don’t know how he could describe the school like that when all of us students are so incredibly normal and down to earth, so I grabbed a few friends to go to grab some food to throw at him.” After Carlson’s inflammatory comment, most of the student body followed Feitler, got out of their chairs, and made their way to the cafeteria. After an unidentified student screamed “to the compost,” this swarm of students forced their way into the kitchen where Chef Zac Maness was leading a yoga session. “It was very scary,” Maness said. “At least 100 students rushed into the kitchen, a space that should only hold 10-20, violating social distancing, many with masks not even over their noses, grabbing handfuls of compost. It was a blur of color and then I found myself on the ground being trampled, with my hat nowhere to be seen.” Many took the main stairwell back up to
the auditorium with juice from the compost dripping everywhere, while others opted to sneak attack him from the back by going through the woodshop. “It was madness,” Feitler said. “I took the keys from Mr. Moster and was heading up to the catwalks to drop compost on him when like 150 others came up from all sides and started berating him with compost. The whole auditorium was absolutely filthy after, but I’m still proud that we were able to come together to fight against this man defaming our school.” Maness and the kitchen staff were left to clean up the mess after students paraded out of the school building.“The whole place was a disgusting mess,” Maness said, “but we couldn’t let any of that compost go to waste, so we started the painstaking process of picking up every piece of compost. It took hours.” Whether this plays into the image of Parker students as entitled and arrogant is widely debated. Carlson called Parker students “stuck-up brats” on the latest Garch Made Me Do This podcast, where he and the dug-up corpse of Rush Limbaugh were guests. “This further shows the incredible amount of discrimination at this school,” Garchick said. “It’s terrible that a genius who expresses a different opinion is immediately shut down and not even through a real debate on what people believe but through a riot.”
The Parker Weekly Joke Issue, Page 6
Club News!
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GAMESTOP GARCH
Investment Club Loses 90% of Portfolio on Gamestop Squeeze, Requests New Seed Money For more than half a decade, Parker’s Investment Club has carefully curated a portfolio of over twenty-five thousand dollars worth of stocks in an effort to learn about the stock market. This year, however, may mark the end of the Investment Club as we know it, thanks to the misplaced bets of senior Matthew Garchik. Garchik, without club consensus or faculty approval, made a jump on the socalled Gamestop Bandwagon. Thanks to this misplaced bet, Garchik single handedly lost nearly all of the club’s diverse, carefully curated portfolio. The Gamestop Short Squeeze, which took place in late January, caused the dying video game and console retailer’s stock to rise to over $500 per share, nearly 30 times its valuation at the beginning of the month. In the process, billionaire hedge funds lost piles of money, and small time investors made enormous gains. The squeeze was orchestrated on the online forum Reddit’s section known as “wallstreetbets,” of which Garchik is a member. “I love reading on there about cool stocks,” Garchik said. “I can learn about
By Our Favorite Online Editor
new companies and opportunities I would hoped for. He quickly emailed his proposal have missed out on otherwise. It’s basically to the club members as well as faculty like going to 7-Eleven and noticing a advisor Kevin Conlon, Upper School history new chip brand you’ve t e a c h e r. H o w e v e r, never heard of before, Garchik received no and googling it to see reply. what other people “I remember how think. Basically, I look hyped Garch was about at what other people Gamestop,” sophomore are saying and follow and Investment Club that.” member Max Keller After reading said. “He told us in our about the Gamestop groupchat that we could investment craze make a ton of money. on Reddit, Garchik I wasn’t so sure. That Matthew Garchick with his new money. Photo by Arjun Kalra. decided to write a proposal dude rarely knows what he’s for the investment club to talking about.” consider. “After I saw that crazy photo on Conlon shared a similar view. “I didn’t Reddit with all the money, I knew we had want to reply to Matthew because his idea a big chance to double our investment,” was not suited for the vision our members Garchik said. and I have for the club. We prefer safer However, due to the rapid fluctuations investments, such as index funds,” Conlon in the price of Gamestop stock during the said. “In other words, it was stupid. And short squeeze, Garchik knew he had to act anyways, I thought Matthew would forget quickly and boldly to make the money he about it, like everything else.”
However, Garchik refused to let what he felt would be a turning point in the club’s history pass by, so he used Conlon’s password, which he had lifted earlier in the year, to dump the club’s twenty-five thousand dollar portfolio into shares of Gamestop, planning to sell it shortly after a 120% increase. However, Garchik made one fatal mistake when timing selling the stock on his iPad. “It turns out I had my iPad upside down,” Garchik said. “So when it looked like the little money line went up, it had actually gone down. So instead of selling at a huge profit, I sold at a huge loss.” Conlon is not happy with Garchik’s actions and the loss of the club’s portfolio. “This affair is a whole big mess. While it was fairly easy to get the seed money from a donor, it’ll be hard to convince them at this point,” Conlon said. “Though some mismanagement is to be expected, I suppose. Hope they’ll go easy on us.” The club has submitted a proposal for additional funding but has not yet heard back. Whether the club pocket’s will be reflushed remains to be seen.
MISSION MUN
Barr Smuggles Students to Greek MUN Symposium By Larry Howitz
On January 25, Upper School History Teacher and Parker Model UN Faculty Advisor Jeanne Barr woke up with a mission. The Greek Model UN trip to Greece had been canceled the previous March due to COVID-19 and the announcement had disappointed all students and teachers involved. When Barr woke up on that first day of the second semester this year, she was overcome with determination and she sprung into action. Her plan was simple and two-pronged: get an impressive group of student delegates to the Platon School Model UN conference in Athens and don’t take “όχι” for an answer, which is “no” in Greek. The idea had been brewing for months, but now was the time to act. Barr went into school that day, and during her generous seven-minute breaks, she pragmatically transformed her classroom into the mission headquarters. By the end of the next day, her room was filled with files upon files of the symposium plans from last year and a colorful map on the wall with a taut string of bright red yarn connecting Chicago, Illinois, and Athens, Greece. Next, Barr assembled her delegation. She scheduled a Zoom call during H4, on Thursday, January 28, with all of her recruits, including all delegates chosen for last year’s trip, minus last year’s seniors who had graduated. First in attendance was junior Eli Moog, known for his unwavering dedication to Model UN trips especially when in Athens. “When I got the email from
Ms. Barr, I almost passed out,” he said, “I could hardly wait to join the Zoom.” Moog had not eaten anything but dry cereal since having the baklavaf i l l e d dream of a Model UN trip brutally t a k e n away from him last Spring.
was a long pause and as she unmuted herself to ask about Barr’s word choice, the meeting ended. Conrad described the meeting as “thoughtprovoking because of the flamingo c o l o r discussion and then mildly concerning a f t e r the trip
A Parker student in Greece after a year-long
delayed trip. Photo by Arjun Kalra. Sophomore and explanation,” but she former Athens was undeterred and symposium delegate Rania Jones was remained excited for her upcoming trip. perplexed by the email and upon arriving The introductory phase of Barr’s plan she became even more perplexed. “I had so had concluded and she prepared for some many questions,” Jones said. “But it seemed serious negotiation. At 4:00 am on Monday, like the only thing on the agenda was an February 1st, Barr made a phone call to icebreaker question: if not pink what color Upper School Head Justin Brandon, hoping would you want flamingos to be?” that he would be more agreeable that early The meeting concluded with Barr in the morning. Her trip proposition was met saying that she was very proud to be hosting with uncontrollable laughter from Brandon such an impressive delegation once they which she interpreted as approval and arrived in Athens. “This should be a great purchased the plane tickets moments later. opportunity for everyone to practice their Barr chose to fly with Qatar Airways, hoping diplomatic skills, learn about a new culture, that it would finally force the delegates to meet new people and get revenge.” learn how to pronounce “Qatar.” Captain and senior, Grace Conrad, said Barr had emailed the Platon School that after Barr said the word “revenge,” there MUN Conference secretariat, Theofania
Pagoniadis, and had not received a response. She assumed that this meant the trip would happen on the same date as last year, March 3, and all students had been assigned to Ad Hoc committees where no prior research was necessary. On February 27, five days before the delgates would leave for Athens, Barr sent an email announcing that the trip had been canceled. This evoked a great sense of ‘painful déjà vu in all of the delegates as the trip had been canceled five days earlier the previous year. Later that day, Barr revealed that the cancellation was an attempt to mess with her delegates and the conference was still on. On March 3, students gathered at O’Hare. They held a complex Rock Paper Scissors tournament to determine who would be in a suitcase and who would be in a seat. After the suitcase delegates were secured in the bags with a phone and a bag of chips, the group made their way to the gate, and soon they were on their way. Late at night on March 3, the Parker delegates arrived in Athens and checked into their hotel. The next morning, they went to Platon School to find that there was no conference this year. “We were devastated but incredibly unsurprised,” Jones said.
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The Parker Weekly Joke Issue, Page 7
Cooking & Columns
PARKER CAFETERIA ENTERS COOKING COMPETITION Trophy Set to be Displayed in The Parker Cafeteria By Rophia Sosenkranz
During what started as a daily routine in quarantine to keep practicing, the foods that once were present at the Parker Cafeteria became winning dishes in a national cooking competition. Members of the Parker Cafeteria staff entered a cooking competition as a way to explore new dishes. Not only did they leave the cooking show with a victory, but their journey to fame began. In early March during quarantine, there were no more casual cafeteria visits, and no more lunchtime for K-12th graders, so members of the Parker Cafeteria staff started to cook together virtually to fill that void that the coronavirus created. “When school closed due to the pandemic, I was so sad. I could no longer post about how much I loved the cafeteria. I missed it so much. My account has never felt so empty,” creator of cafcraves Instagram account Annabelle Garelick said. The virtual sessions consisted of making the famous Parker chocolate chip cookies and perfecting the pizza they frequently served. They experimented with different spices and ingredients until their dishes were even more flavorful and delicious. “The first few days of the pandemic
were challenging, so we started to virtually of COVID-19 tests, they entered a Top Chef cook together as a way to recreate the competition, streaming on T.V. energetic lunch “When hours,” Parker I first heard Executive they entered Chef Zac a cooking Maness said. competition N o t show I was only did so excited, they perfect my email was Parker ’s flooded with favorite dishes, messages from but created the Parker new ones to community,” literally spice Principal Dan things up. Frank said. “ W e A wanted to have suspenseful Chef Zac after winning the Cooking Show. Photo c o m p e t i t i o n new dishes for when taken by Caroline Skok. school started, so we commenced, and created new bread and pastries, as well as the Parker community cancelled class to new daily menus,” Maness said. “It felt like live stream the competition in advisories. we were truly together until I said pass the “The competition was very intense, as butter.” intense as watching students fight over the Their virtual session products last slice of pizza,” Maness said. immensely grew in flavor, and they decided Maness described choosing the winning to enter a national cooking competition, dish, “It was very difficult to pick a dish to displaying one of their best quarantine make, but at the end it was clear.” cuisines. “I was eager to know what it was, I was After sending a few emails, and a series hoping it was one of my favorites. I created
a live stream for my followers, and all 98 of them joined, ” Garelick said. As the clock started to countdown from 10, with video angles of the cooking competition,the members of the Parker community were on the edge of their seats, virtually watching the competition, eyes focused on the plate, waiting for the winning dish to be announced. Finally, the words appeared on the screen: Carrot Cake. In that instant, the Parker community knew that the Parker cafeteria staff had won the competition. “Emails came in very fast from different alumni, teachers, parents, students, and other schools, congratulating the Cafeteria for the win, it was truly spectacular,” Frank said. “It was such an amazing experience, and I am excited to display our trophy next to the salad bar in upcoming weeks,” Maness said. “I can’t wait to eat at the cafeteria again, it truly is one of my favorite places at Parker,” Garelick said.
COLUMN CATASTROPHE
Senior Nathan Siskel Becomes Only Columnist For “The Weekly” By Jack Zoseph
In Issue 6 of “The Parker Weekly,” senior and Cross Country captain Nathan Siskel decided to guest write for the column “The Joys Of Life,” normally written by senior Grayson Schementi, where he shared his thoughts on rainbows, the alleged censorship of Editor-in-Chief and senior Zach Joseph, and the popular video-sharing app TikTok. One month later, in Issue 7, Siskel guest wrote for “I’m Pretending You Asked,” normally written by senior and Model Home Head Spencer O’Brien, and entertained readers with his perspective on waves, both in nature and in technology. Two weeks after Issue 7 was released, Siskel declared a “columnist coup,” where he took over all the columns in “The Weekly” and declared himself the sole columnist for the remainder of the 20202021 school year. For Siskel, this was not a planned out decision, but one that he made in the moment. “I was originally going to guest write for every column by the end of my senior year, but that would take far too long and lots of issues to accomplish,” Siskel said. “I decided to do the next best thing, something that would be even quicker
and easier: I declared myself the sole columnist for ‘The Weekly.’” For the remainder of the issues published by “The Weekly,” the two pages reserved for all four columnists, Schementi, O’Brien, and seniors Rosey Limmer and Denise Román, will instead be four articles written by Siskel himself, each on a variety of topics. The now former columnists will be unable to reclaim their previously-reserved spot in the Opinions section, and will instead have to publish their columns in other Parker publications, including The Student Voice and student-led magazines Phaedrus and Scout. Those that lost their columns are sad but understand the situation. “I figured something like this would happen eventually,” O’Brien said. “Once someone gets a taste of having
a reserved spot to write down their feelings every month, they get hooked. It’s probably why being a columnist is the most coveted position in all of ‘The Weekly.’” O’Brien plans to continue writing his column “I’m Pretending You Asked” but will instead be publishing it in his monthly Model Home newsletter, an email blast he is creating for the second semester. O t h e r columnists are attempting to reclaim their spot in the Opinions section without Siskel knowing. “I’m planning on still submitting my original columns about our Model Home, but instead I’ll turn them in under a false name,” Limmer said. “Hopefully that will be enough to get my thoughts down on the page, but who knows. Nathan has been looking over all opinions to make sure nobody is secretly submitting a column without his knowledge.” Until this article was written, the Editors-in-Chief were unaware of the recent
““Once someone gets a taste of having a reserved spot to write down their feelings every month, they get hooked. It’s probably why being a columnist is the most coveted position in all of ‘The Weekly.’””
“I declared myself the sole columnist for ‘The Weekly.’”
developments with the columnists, as they have been overwhelmed with sending in articles for prior review before publication. To combat Siskel’s recent change, they are announcing a new addition to the Student Government bylaws of “The Weekly,” which specifically prohibits “columnist coups” from occurring on the paper. It is unclear if these bylaws will be passed by the student body anytime soon.
The Parker Weekly Joke Issue, Page 8
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Features
NEW POLITICAL ID SWEEPS UPPER SCHOOL Parker Student is “Socially Conservative, Fiscally Liberal” By Colonel Frantess Wayland Parker
In Parker Democrats meetings or during pre-Plenary small talk, students have discussed the merits and drawbacks of centrism following the inauguration of moderate democrat, President Joe Biden. As debate about economic and societal issues fills Zoom rooms, a new layer is emerging -Parker students have begun to ID as socially conservative, fiscally liberal. Sophomore Alexander Coney-Cortez is a fierce advocate for this ideology. “I love government spending,” Coney-Cortez said. “I think the 1% should redistribute their wealth, but I’m not really sure about the whole ‘equality of people’ thing.” While he supports federal funding for COVID-19, Coney-Cortez is skeptical of Parker’s rigorous in-person coronavirus protocols. “Just because I think the market shouldn’t be free, doesn’t mean I support keeping Americans captive in these masks,” Coney-Cortez said. Coney-Cortez noted that her views aren’t always in opposition. “Of course the government should have full control over a
woman’s body,” Coney-Cortez said. “But it’s going to take a lot of investments in new infrastructure which should be funded by a wealth tax.” W h e n responding to criticisms that these two ideologies w e r e fundamentally incompatible, Coney-Cortez demurred. “I don’t get why everyone tries to say that to me,” Coney-Cortez said. “Because my mom said that wasn’t true, and she’s one of my greatest role models. She’s done amazing philanthropic work with the NRA that’s been so formative for me as a political mind.” Though Parker has no official political affiliation, many of its parents are avid social activists, while many teachers work as hedge fund managers by night. ConeyCortez’s mom Jamie Coney, a Dartmouth
alumnus and Parker trustee, could not be reached for comment. Coney-Cortez has a split perspective on the nation’s current president. “I think it’s so important to draw the distinction that we are settling for Biden, not celebrating him,” ConeyCortez said. “Like yes, he passed a 1.39 trillion dollar relief package and he’s done great work with immigrant detention centers, but his Cabinet does not accurately reflect the white supremacy our founding fathers would have wanted.” Senior Grace Conrad, a noted and outspoken fan of the Biden administration, rejected these attacks. “Biden has done more than all other 45 presidents combined in his first two months,” Conrad said. “Attacking him on any issue from any side of the
“Just because I think the market shouldn’t be free, doesn’t mean I support keeping Americans captive in these masks.”
political spectrum is actually an assault on democracy, America, and anyone who has ever owned and worn Aviators.” Senior Elliot Landolt, “The Weekly’s” token republican commentator, was glad someone else was stirring up political controversy. “Having to represent the rightwing of the U.S. on my own has been a lot to bear,” Landolt said. “I’m happy to see a fellow student acknowledge that your political beliefs don’t have to be consistent or cohesive.” Coney-Cortez hopes that his peers won’t define him by his ideals. “Even though I have the economic views of Bernie Sanders and the social positions of Richard Nixon, you don’t need to confine me to Republican or Democratic stereotypes,” Coney-Cortez said. “Sure, I play golf, but I also listen to Phoebe Bridgers!”
A SCANDAL UNCOVERED
Unexcused Absences Revealed To Have Never Impacted Grades By Ren Bachel
Students around Parker log into the Parker Portal every day to view their schedules, homework, grades, and other important information. However, one piece of the Portal no one overlooks, are the unexcused absences. The dreaded numbers on the front page of the Portal haunt every student’s dreams. The absences keep climbing as every student panics about the repercussions of those absences. Will my grade drop? What will the teacher think of me? How can I recover from these unexcused and controversial absences? For years, the rule with unexcused absences is that if a student gets enough of them, their grade will drop dramatically. For this reason, students sprint down the hallways pushing over little kids just to make it to their class on time and prepared. However, recent news suggests otherwise. L e a k e d e m a i l s from an undisclosed administrator h a v e confirmed that unexcused absences don’t actually impact a student’s grade. For many Upper Schoolers, this was quite a surprise. Most Parker students lived under the impression that unexcused absences directly hurt a student’s grade. “So you’re telling me I could’ve skipped class this whole time?” sophomore Jack Kahan said.
“My disappointment is immeasurable and my day is ruined. ” Kahan isn’t the only Upper School student who didn’t know of this critical information. Outrage has flooded Zoom classes as students have turned against teachers and the administration. “Learning is great and all, but if I have the option to sleep until noon, I’m not passing up that opportunity,” Kahan said. Kahan and many other Upper School students have decided to boycott classes altogether and let those unexcused absences pile up. Members of the administration have been forced to adapt to this new rebellion in the hopes of assuring students attend all six hours of their daily time on Zoom. Already with a tight schedule, teachers must somehow bring their classes back. As missing class doesn’t affect o n e ’s g r a d e , s t u d e n t s have lost that motivation to show up to class. Many high school teachers are having tough times trying to bring students back to class. Upper School chemistry teacher Leslie Webster said, “I was trying to think of what is cool for folks your age, and realized that the Zoom format is really keeping me from having much of a clue. I could do a weekly raffle to get me to do a Tik Tok of your choice. Each day
“Learning is great and all, but if I have the option to sleep until noon, I’m not passing up that opportunity.”
the students are in the Zoom room at the beginning of class wins them a raffle ticket. My cat picks a ticket on the last class day of the week!” Many other teachers are scrambling to figure out how to pick up attendance. Just like Webster, other teachers are thinking of raffle tickets, Tik-Tok dances, and other unprecedented activities for unprecedented times. “Oh my gosh! I just remembered I have a colleague (online, totally not in real life) who has a blank periodic table tattooed on his back. Every time a kid scores a five on the AP Chemistry exam, the student gets to pick a square to color in on his back (gross!). Maybe something like that?” Webster said. Other departments and teachers are taking a different route than Webster and the science team. “To be honest with you, I don’t really care what they do,” math department head Wendy Olt said. “They can boycott and not show up to class, it’s their grades not mine. I already graduated and I could care less about these unexcused absences. I’ll keep teaching my lessons and giving my tests to anyone who shows up.” While department heads and teachers rush around and try to bring back some normality of online school, administrators
have vanished. After countless emails and phone calls, student dean Joe Bruno and other administrators finally reappeared after hours of chaos. “Well, it was fun while it lasted,” Bruno said. “I was really hoping that these unexcused absences could keep students going to class. Do you know how hard it is to get 300 students to go to their classes? Well, off to brainstorm another idea to get students back in class.” E v e n though the damage is done, school continues. Juniors still have to take the ACT or SAT, seniors still have to go to college, freshmen still have to adapt to high school, and sophomores have to… well, actually sophomores can keep not showing up to class. Nonetheless, even though unexcused absences don’t directly affect a student’s grade, in the long run, they certainly will. Students may never come back to class and things may never go back to normal, but as Olt said, “that’s their problem.”
“I was really hoping that these unexcused absences could keep students going to class. Do you know how hard it is to get 300 students to go to their classes?”
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Continuations
The Parker Weekly Joke Issue, Page 9
WAGNER EXPOSED! Continued from page 1
expectation, polls on the highly popular @ FWP_StudentGov Instagram page showed that the majority of the student body did not deem Wagner’s attempts to dig up dirt on his rival to be enough to remove Wagner from office. While nearly half of the student body believed Wagner’s quid pro quo demand of the former Latin president warranted impeachment, the response was far short of the necessary 2/3rds majority that was likely necessary to accomplish an impeachment. Wagner chose to declare his innocence and exoneration, and continued with his “be smarter, vote Carter” presidency. With a presumed clean slate, Wagner presided over weekly plenaries and assumed that the demands for dirt on his primary presidential rival and her family members were forgotten. The Parker student body moved forward with the hope that Wagner’s ambitions had only once led him to desperate acts and that there would be no further scandals. With the revelations of February 10, 2021, such hopes were permanently dashed. During the Spring 2020 campaign, Wagner campaigned on what many called “violence” and “aggression” in the weeks leading up to the election. Wagner promised new, obscure policies. In Zoom seminars
being held nearly every week, he promised things such as “QAnon support groups and new affinity groups based on pet ownership’’ and “advocating for weekly Grandparents and Special Friends Day in the Upper School.” While some vocal Alumni supported Wagner’s proposed policies, most current students at Parker did not approve. In an unexpected turn, even the Parker Administration weighed in on the Student Government election. “I hope for the sake of Parker, Wagner does not get elected,” said Dean of Student Life Joe Bruno. “His policies do not reflect what Parker stands for.” Wagner’s then presidential-opponent echoed Bruno’s words and added, “he knows he is going to lose, it’s just a matter of time before he admits it.” In the months leading up to the election, all signs pointed to a Wagner loss. When the election finally occurred, every Upper School student was shocked by the email from Jeanne Barr, Upper S c h o o l History Department Chair and Faculty Supervisor of Student Government, that Wagner had secured enough votes to be declared the winner. While concerns of voter fraud were voiced in plenary, Newly Elected Treasurer Alex Schapiro quickly
“In the months leading up to the election, all signs pointed to a Wagner loss. when the election finally occurred, every Upper School student was shocked... that Wagner had secured enough votes to be declared the winner.”
ADMINISTR- WHAT WILL ATORS RETTHE FOX AINED SAY Continued from page 1
Continued from page 1
summer, with their first project the remodel of the Clark Street entrance. They plan to unveil the Damian Jones Revolving Door, with Ventra card technology, in Fall 2021. “We want prospective hires to think of Parker as somewhere they can stay for a long time – maybe six months, or if they’re really good, something crazy like a whole school year,” a Parker spokesperson said.
However, many disagree. “This is a great opportunity to show these students the radical thinking they will encounter in college,” Upper School English teacher Cory Zeller said. With Trumpsim on the rise, the senior class will be able to tackle these radical ideas now, in order to be more educated in their stances once they become voting members of society. Carlson’s speech will be the popping of the Parker bubble that finally releases the senior class into adulthood. Commencement will be different this year, as are many other things. However, we have no doubt that it will be memorable.
dismissed these questions by stating, “we are just Parker kids, nobody can hack an election.” What neither the students nor the faculty knew at that time was that Wagner leveraged the COVID-19 Pandemic to steal the biggest election in Parker History. The Google Forms voting platform created the perfect opportunity for Wagner to ensure his victory and opportunity to implement his “Be smarter” agenda. Wagner not only attempted to compensate certain voters to support him, but was able to program Google Forms to switch votes for his political opponent to Wagner. Due to the coronavirus pandemic requiring all student government activities to occur in a remote format, it was easy for Wa g n e r t o hack into the highly secured Google Forms ballot after his one, highly educational and necessary, semester of Computer Programming. With the promise of securing the elections for the future CTC heads, Wagner had all the help he needed to rig the entire election. In the minutes following the revelation of Wagner’s massive voter fraud scheme, evidence continued to accumulate. Voting data provided by Barr showed a sudden dump of votes in favor of Wagner just before the deadline. Further, Wagner’s iPhone showed a list of outgoing texts to CTC candidate Boxerman telling him to “execute the plan.” After further investigation, the Weekly was able to obtain a transcribed voicemail from Wagner to Jake Boxerman, asking Boxerman to “find him 208 votes.” This was the exact amount Wagner required to beat his opponent by a singular vote. Not only had Wagner stolen an election, but he appointed his closest friends to high ranking cabinet positions. Wagner insisted he had brought in the “best and the brightest” to “drain the swamp” of his predecessor Matthew Turk. It is currently unclear how many of Wagner’s cabinet members are also guilty of crimes. As of this publication, Treasurer Alex Schapiro has admitted to gambling the funds used for Participatory Budgeting on Super Bowl prop-bets and ultimately losing these funds after betting the “under” on the duration of the national anthem. Rather than admit wrongdoing, over half of Wagner’s appointees have resigned. Such resignations indicate complicity, if not outright guilt. With Wagner refusing to turn his power over to Executive Advisor Ava Ori, Barr informed the student body that “there is no option to move forward without a swift impeachment. The President must be held accountable. No one is above the law.”
In order to prepare for the Impeachment, Barr notified all her students that classes would be canceled until the conclusion of the trial. Barr intended to conduct the impeachment trial within 24 hours and ask for a verdict before students left for February Break. “Organizing this impeachment trial wasn’t easy, but I think it will be good for the less engaged part of the student body. Maybe kids will finally get off their phone,” said Barr. With incredible speed, Barr produced an entirely new section of the Student Government bylaws to address the rules of impeachment. These included the power of subpoena, rights to a student lawyer, and the ability to prosecute a former President, just in case Wagner attempted to resign. With no option in the already full schedule, Barr scheduled the impeachment for 6:00am on February 13, 2021. Despite the early hour, there was record setting attendance that resulted in Zoom crashing on three separate occasions. In a rare demonstration of massive student engagement in Student Government, following the presentation of Barr’s article of impeachment, Wagner was impeached with a nearly unanimous vote. As the impeachment will now require a trial among the committee heads, the student body will have to wait and see if Wagner will be convicted and removed from office. If the 2020-21 Student Government has taught us nothing else, we now know to expect the unexpected.
“Wagner not only attempted to compensate certain voters to support him, but he was able to program Google Forms to switch votes for his political opponent to Wagner.”
The Parker Weekly Joke Issue, Page 10
Parker Look-Alikes
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Matthew Gordon
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Tyler Maling
Dash
Daisy Glazier
Mona Lisa
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James Bond
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Joe Wieskamp
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Vector
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Zohan
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Coming Up
The Parker Weekly Joke Issue, Page 11
BEFORE YOU READ THE BACKPAGE, TAKE A LOOK AT WHAT’S COMING UP IN OUR NEXT ISSUE • Student Walks on the Wrong Side of the Labeled Hallway, Receives Day of Reflection • EIC Zach Joseph Makes it a Whole Week Without Apologizing or Talking About “The Weekly” • Medical Subcommittee Revealed to be Ruth Jurgenson in a Lab Coat • Parker Brings Back Upper School Students to be Taught in Belden Apartments • People Come to Weekly Pitch Meetings/Read The Weekly/Visit the Website • Parker Families Wait Their Turn in Vaccinations • All Students Have Camera on in Student Government • Parker Library Purchases Necessary Equipment • Parker Model UN Announces Captains: No Siblings • Parker Student Laughs at Joke Issue/Backpage • Senior Class Found to Possess Intelligent Life • Student Government Successfully Creates Breakout Rooms
The Parker Weekly Joke Issue, Page 12
The Backpage
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