5 minute read
Redefining Toxic Relationships
Written by: Alyse Messmer Illustrated by: Jacob Dimsey
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Toxic relationships come in many different shades and often leave victims feeling physically and emotionally bruised.
Whether physical abuse, emotional manipulation or any form of harm, toxic relationships often strip victims of confidence, security and trust in others.
Philip Breitenbucher, assistant professor of social work, says he defines relationships as “toxic” when harm of any sort takes place.
“A toxic relationship involves a toxic partner who causes emotional and, often times, physical harm to their partner. Emotional harm comes in the form of belittling, controlling and manipulating behaviors. If you are in a relationship that leaves you feeling insecure, unsafe, fearful, belittled or helpless on a regular basis, this is a sign of a toxic relationship," Breitenbucher says.
Signs of a Toxic Relationship
Toxic relationships are not always identifiable and are sometimes ignored. While the good parts of a relationship can be enjoyable, some people use these moments to excuse the hurtful behavior they receive from their significant other.
One major sign of a toxic relationship is a fear or anxiety of how your significant other will respond in situations.
“A healthy relationship doesn’t require you to compromise your selfesteem, to live in fear or to feel helpless," Breitenbucher says. “Couples in healthy relationships are able to safely discuss their feelings. If one is feeling like they are constantly being belittled, manipulated and/or controlled, they should find a safe place (both inter-personally and physically) to discuss these feelings with their partner, being prepared to leave if necessary.”
“My relationship was more about fear than actually being in love or anything happy or romantic. I was so afraid of the repercussions and hurt I would get if anything ever went wrong or I didn’t give him what he wanted," CBU anonymous student says. “For most of our relationship, I would leave his house feeling like nothing more than a toy he could play with. He would just want to be physical and get mad at me when I didn’t want to. That made my worth purely found in my body."
A relationship where you feel unable to stand your ground because of fear is a form of a toxic and abusive relationship. Being in fear of what your significant other will say or do is not a sign of a healthy, mu mutual-respecting relationship and can be safely addressed through finding help.
Constantly feeling put down by your significant other is another sign of this toxicity.
Madison Smith, sophomore photography major, experienced a toxic relationship where she says her self confidence was stripped away.
“During the relationship, I became so obsessive with any little moment, and I clung really hard to the few happy moments and pushed through the unhappy moments though they tore me up," Smith says. "The words spoken over me were the most hurtful and I held those words over myself for so long. My self-confidence plummeted for sure, and it’s been a gradual uphill climb since then. Even before we ended things, I knew I had no more self-confidence and that was part of the reason it took so long to end it because I didn’t think I could do better, so why leave?”
This sign is often overlooked as all relationships have difficult times. However, if your significant other is constantly speaking to you negatively and tearing you down, this is a major sign of a toxic relationship.
In extreme cases, physical harm can take place.
If a relationship involves physical abuse or substance abuse they should seek professional help, such as someone in authority, a parent or a counselor.
According to Time.com, other signs of toxic relationships include passive aggressiveness, excessive arguing, criticism and anger or an unfair balance of who is giving and taking in a relationship.
What does a healthy relationship look like?
As toxic relationships are centered around harm, fear, and disrespect, Breitenbucher says healthy relationships bring both people in the relationship growth, care and safety.
“Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect and caring, compassion and a deep desire for growth, health and happiness. Healthy relationships start by putting God first as the only solid foundation, knowing that you are loved unconditionally by God," Breitenbucher says.
Brietenbucher says respect, compassion, a desire for growth, communication and forgiveness should all be signs of and goals for a healthy relationship.
Madison Smith, sophomore photography major, says her toxic relationship not only taught her what a healthy relationship should look like, but also how to forgive even after a hurtful relationship.
“If I could say anything to myself during that time, it would be that loneliness is not forever. And that’s still something I need to tell myself. But that loneliness is not constant and it’s not gonna be there for the rest of your life. I know I reacted poorly in friendships outside of that relationship; I was very defensive of him and of our relationship. I knew it was wrong and wanted so badly for everyone else not to think it was," Smith says.
"I definitely learned how to be more forgiving. He and I are really good friends now, he’s still one of my best friends and one of my longest friends. But it wasn’t until recently that that was okay,” Smith says.
For those finding themselves in a toxic relationship, reach out to friends and other resources who can help you find safety or relief. If you or someone you know is in a toxic relationship, the National Domestic Violence Hotline has resources and more information on relationships, as well as a phone line that requires “no names, no fees, and no judgment” at 1-800-799-7233.
Stats from loveisrespect.org
• Nearly half (43 percent) of dating college women report experiencing violent and abusive dating behaviors.
• College students are not equipped to deal with dating abuse – 57 percent say it is difficult to identify and 58 percent say they don’t know how to help someone who’s experiencing it.
• One in three (36 percent) dating college students has given a dating partner their computer, online access, email or social network passwords and these students are more likely to experience digital dating abuse.
• One in six (16 percent) college women has been sexually abused in a dating relationship.
