7 minute read
Christian Intimacy and Ethics
Written by Austin Romito and Carolyn Bokinskie and Photo Illustrations by Kelsie Stevens
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We all long for intimacy – it is rooted in our human nature to express love and be loved by others. We desire that significant other who makes us laugh, knows every little detail about us, and is willing to travel the ups, the downs, and to the ends of the earth by our side. We want to be known and live in community. This seems to be a part of the holy design that God had intended for humankind. Just as Jesus loved and sacrificed for the church, man and woman can display love and sacrifice in a marriage as a visual and physical representation of God’s goodness.
This desire for love, sex and intimacy are natural feelings instilled in us by our creator, as are the rules he set down regarding when it is acceptable. Yet, these are not necessarily appealing standards to live by compared to culture’s pervasive notion of immediate gratification. People quickly become turned off to the biblical realities of sexual standards as soon as they perceive these standards as lofty ideas that tie them down.
According to the Lexico dictionary, powered by Oxford University, ethics are a set of moral principles that govern a person’s behavior; a principle is defined as a fundamental truth that serves as the foundation of a belief system. Biblically, Christians are commanded to rely on the Bible’s fundamental principles to guide our lifestyle and daily choices. Christian sexual ethics is the standard that Christians use to inform their sexual thought, expression, and behavior based on the truths found in the Bible.
In a postmodernist world, it can be difficult for unbelievers to understand a lifestyle that is motivated by a single source of truth when we live in a world that promotes no absolute truths at all.
In “Hidden Worldviews,” Steve Wilkens and Mary L. Sanford write that central to postmodernism is “the belief that our perceptions of time, ethics, the sacred, death and a host of other things always come to us through the filter of culture.” The growing influence of postmodernism in our world tells the next generation that there is no absolute truth and that truth can be defined by individuals and their chosen cultural identity. This seems to infringe upon Christian ethics, as described by Dr. Ken Pearce, a psychology professor at California Baptist University.
“People living together happens more than marriage, even in Christian based relationships,” Pearce says. “The rationalizations for their love and desires does not align with Scripture or the biblical foundation of marriage, but they still do it.”
While we live in a society with shifting beliefs, how can Christians maintain an appropriate worldview appropriate worldview that consults the Bible for wisdom about their sexual ethics and standards?
Julie Dobbins, Julie director of Women’s director of Women’s Ministries at CBU, Ministries at CBU, urges believers to urges believers to shift their perspective shift their perspective on Christian sexual ethics. Christian ethics are often perceived as a set of rules people are obligated people are obligated to follow simply because they proclaim cause they proclaim they are Christians. What does it look like to stop associating sexual standards with rules that tie us down and to allow biblical sex ethics to inform our lifestyles as a whole?
Dobbins says we have to start by accurately understanding the Biblical view of sacrifice.
“It’s pretty counter-cultural for someone to say sacrifice is perfect for you, because we think that sacrifice means we are getting robbed of something … which is not a biblical view. Having healthy sexual is not a biblical view. Having healthy sexual boundaries before marriage in the moment, boundaries before marriage in the moment, huge sacrifice. Long-term, it creates more huge sacrifice. Long-term, it creates more opportunity for intimacy and fidelity.”
The obstacle to truly understanding God’s design for sex in our current culture is that sexuality in the church has been reduced to “don’t.” It is common in the evangelical world to hear the advice of “Don’t have sex until marriage” because this would violate the standards that God this would violate the standards that God intended for us.
This is true, but let’s face it — a lot of Christians today are trying to push the boundaries without feeling like they are boundaries without feeling like they are breaking the “rules.”
Dobbins adds that “a lot of us will just get as close to the line as possible so that we feel like we’re in the clear, and you’ve missed the point at that stage.” The you’ve missed the point at that stage.” The reasoning behind the sexual ethics God has outlined for us in the Bible is not so that we feel bound by a set of rules, but so we understand and choose the sexual framework that God designed for us.
Choosing a high sexual ethics lifestyle does not just apply to sex itself, either.
We have also been We have also been told constantly by the told constantly by the church not to lust, church not to lust, watch porn or maswatch porn or masturbate. Again, these turbate. Again, these morals are good for us morals are good for us to uphold. The question to uphold. The question is, are we upholding is, are we upholding these ethics because we these ethics because we feel like we have to folfeel like we have to follow them as rules to be low them as rules to be a good Christian, or do a good Christian, or do we choose to integrate we choose to integrate a high sexual ethic into a high sexual ethic into our lifestyle because our lifestyle because we understand this is we understand this is what God had intended what God had intended for us?
Sex. Lust. Porn. These are the “don’t” topics that have become hot-button issues when Christian sexual ethics is on the discussion table. However, when we flood our sexual ethic with “don’t” we begin to perceive God as an apathetic rule-maker that restricts humankind from experiencing the fun and pleasure of our sexual nature. God is just the opposite, though. Actually, God is someone that desires pleasure for us, and in Genesis 1:28 commands us to “be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth.”
God created us to seek closeness with God created us to seek closeness with one another in many forms of relationships. This does not mean buying into the lies of the deceiver, but better understanding how to approach these relationships in a faith-centered way. Pearce gave an example of the cross seen as your hands praying to God and the closeness in agape love to the father.
The horizontal line is where other relationships are formed and created from that center connection. It has to begin with God and having a relationship that does not rely on other people or things to make it whole. This is crucial when looking at future relationships and intimate connections as there has to be a base in the father before anything else can grow properly.
How are we to fi ght these dangers, though our church leaders are refraining from addressing the hard conversations?
“Most churches have tolerated and deemed it ok to be living together or having sexual relations outside of marriage and don’t confront it so they do not appear judgmental,” Pearce says.
Having these conversations in a way that is loving and within the way of the Lord is almost impossible to do if there is no relationship. Pearce explained that it takes time and eff ort to build a connection with someone in a way you can lovingly address sin and what the Bible says about it. Simply condemning those who fall or encouraging people to fi ght against urges and lusts when they have no biblical knowledge as to why can be fruitless and damaging. Loving people in relationships need to be at the forefront of this fi ght and continues to be pushed in Christian culture.
Building an ethical base founded in faith and following after God’s heart is what changes the culture and reinforces biblical principles. There is no accounting for how society chooses to follow after the desires of the heart, but as Christians, we are called to live diff erently and stand upright in the faith. That means adhering to the word of God and understanding the value and importance in what he asks in regard to intimacy and love.
