November 2009 Issue 2
Like news, but better...
Question Time: It’ll be all white on the night
Image by Joe Wright
Win 2 tickets to the premiere of ‘Me & Orson Welles’
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November, 2009
Politics and News
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November, 2009
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November, 2009
Windsor Joins Farcical Melodrama Westminster welcomes Eastenders star to cast By Fraser Mason, Manchester University ALBERT Boris
SQUARE
Johnson’s
EastEnders
last
–
Following
appearance week,
in
Barbara
Windsor (perhaps better known as Peggy Mitchell) is set to take part in the proposed pre-election TV debate between party leaders next spring. ‘In the wake of my own spectacularly successful cameo, I think it’s only fair that Barbara gets a chance to have a tinkle on the proverbial organ of politics,’ said the Mayor of London. ‘She is undoubtedly the matriarch of British television,
the
frisky
landlady
who
steadfastly watches over our evening entertainment as it inexorably ambles ever onwards.’ Should
the
debate
go
ahead,
Windsor’s addition to the line-up will almost certainly cause friction amongst
JFH
the lesser parties in British politics. Nigel Farage (of the Urban Krautrock Indie Party), Alex Salmond (Ska Nuwave Progressives), and Nick Griffin (Breakbeat
Noise
Party)
have
BNP agree to showdown with Labour
all
of intense scrutiny from Mr Griffin and the
demanded adequate representation in
chairman of the debate, David Dimbleby.
any major pre-election events.
The
The usually calm Peter Mandelson was uncharacteristically fractious about
their ideas as obviously outdated and
If Gordon’s going to take part in a TV
ridiculous.”
debate, I’d rather it were with serious
Evidence
political figures. Barbara Windsor’s fine,
University of Uttoxeter, is enough of a
think Barbara’s fictitious experiences as a character in EastEnders more than qualify her for a political debate.’ She
continued:
‘Who
better
to
challenge Brown and Cameron on family policy than the mother of Phil and Grant? If that useless twat Boris can handle a primetime soap opera, then there’s no reason Barbara can’t tackle this debate.’
party’s
the economy go down the swanny, and
has a degree in astrophysics from the
Davina McCall told The Sanctuary: ‘I
Labour
literally get away with murder, flushing
expressed as to whether Windsor, who
national stage. But political commentator
the
terrorist Abdelbasset Ali el Megrahi quite
been
political heavyweight to contend on the
of
ridiculous ideas include letting the Libyan
but Alex Salmond? Fuck off.’ however,
Liberal
with Labour in the hope of “exposing
‘Yes, of course I’m fucking unhappy.
have,
and
a policy of openly engaging in debate
the number of proposed participants:
Doubts
Conservatives
Democrats have for a long time had
JFH By Johann Irwin, Birmingham University In
a
change
of
mind,
British
National Party officials have agreed
grounds that “only in debating with them can we aim to highlight their utter ineptitude.”
to go head-to-head with the Labour
The Labour party were not due to
party on the BBC’s Question Time,
appear on Question Time this series, but
despite
in
the BBC’s hand was turned into including
cheating,
a Labour spokesman on the panel. “There
civil liberty-crunching bastards may
is still evidence of electoral support for
give legitimacy to Gordon Brown’s
the Labour party, no matter how small”,
current farcical rule of Britain.
said the BBC’s chief political advisor Ric
debate
fears with
that the
engaging
lying,
Nick Griffin, the party’s leader and MEP
Bailey in defence of the decision.
for the North West region, has agreed
As such, Labour will be fielding Justice
to debate with the government on the
Secretary Jack Straw to face the barrage
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going to war with Iraq on false pretences. “The Labour party is glad to have the opportunity to share a platform with relatively serious politicians such as Nick Griffin, and being able to show itself as a party with equally dubious, although not quite as racist ideas,” said a Labour party spokesman. The show, which airs on Thursday 22nd October on BBC 1, will be a chance for the government to engage with a mainstream audience for the first time since Gordon Brown became took office, subsequently forcing the government’s agenda off the scale of political credibility.
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TITS
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GET OUR VOTE
The Sun heroically torpedoes Brown's sinking ship
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November, 2009
Obama Wins Noble Prize President Obama has won the presigious Nobel ‘All Talk, No Walk’ Prize for Eloquent Inertia. The prize was awarded to the young president for making a lot of promises and having good intentions. President Obama
A History of Non-Violence
cool. Maybe he can help me get laid."
In celebration of President Obama’s violent conquest of the Nobel Peace
The Nobel Prize Commission has also
Prize, The Sanctuary looks back on previous candidates and the lengths
released a shortlist of alternative prizes
they went to for that shiny, shiny medal.
to be awarded to notable public figures
Kanye West
for services rendered. Despite
strong
competition
by
a
Infiltrated Iranian president Ahmadinejad’s secret missile facility
gracefully accepted the undeserved prize
number of political candidates, Gordon
and interrupted a launch sequence. ‘Ahmadinejad, I’mma let
with the following statement:
Brown remains clear favourite for the
you finish,’ were his words, ‘but Pol Pot was the craziest dictator
"Thankfully, because I’m black, people
'Average to Poor Leadership Prize'. After
of all time!’ His Nobel ceremony lasted for several hours, as he
still haven’t climbed out of my ass from
being overlooked last year, his wavering
continuously interrupted himself.
this whole presidential election thing."
competence and ponderous but try-hard
"It’s like being back at school when all the white kids befriended me because I
approach to foreign policy make him a
Bez, from Happy Mondays
popular choice a year on.
Born of a virgin, healed the sick, died for mankind’s sins, ascended
could teach them how to dance, talk to
There is also a ‘Think Big Prize’ for
girls and sell them crack. In fact, I’m
people deluded by unrealistic dreams.
on such a high I’m going to paint the
Susan Boyle, who genuinely thought her
Whitehouse Black. No one can fuck with
life imitated art, is odds on favourite at
Zombie Jean Henri Dunant
me."
paddypower.com. Colonel Gaddafi is our
Jean Henri Dunant, founder of the Red Cross, originator of the
hot tip at 4-1.
Geneva Convention, travelling social worker, passionate writer,
"Dr King had a dream, and I’m living it. Don’t fight the power."
to heaven on a chariot of flaming gold, amused the Nobel judges with a whimsical dance.
Other prizes include the ‘Nice try but
struggling businessman, and very first winner of the Nobel Peace
Other people have commented on
No Cigar Prize,’ which seems to have
Prize back in 1901, has returned to life as a zombie, thirsting for
Obama’s nobility, with Gordon Brown
Liberal Democrat leader Nick Glegg's
the brains of Nobel prize winners he deems 'unworthy'.
particularly full of praise: "He’s just so
name on it.
By Caduta Massi, Sheffield University
By Mo Lester, Sheffield university
Images by William Bradshaw, Edinburgh University
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November, 2009
New Education Policy: 'Every little helps' By Tom Jamieson, Manchester University Only
weeks
executive
after
at
the
Tesco
chief
criticised
education standards for failing to prepare teenagers for the workplace, the government has responsed by introducing
a
new
‘supermarket
GCSE’. In the
order
for
teenagers
expectations
of
to
meet
participating
supermarkets as soon as they leave school, they will be taught a variety of key skills. These range from how to stack shelves and price check, to more complex skills like communication and aggressive indifference. The qualification will be split into three
tiered
examinations.
Average
performing pupils will take the standard ‘TESCO’ GSCE, more challenged entrants will grapple with the ‘LIDL’ module, whilst more able students will take the loquacious ‘Waitrose’ course, renowned for it's elitism.
SNP Enact Crippling Budgie Cuts In a grotesque case of voyeurism, the SNP have announced the latest
Study Finds Link Between Blowjobs and Liposuction in Silicon Valley By Wild Bill, Edinburgh University
braying crowd of Holyrood politicians, who called for its further laceration. Alex Salmond was particularly vocal screaming “You furry cunt!” before trying to stomp the cage flat. The Scottish Parliament’s new found passion for cutting budgies has hugely increased spending on the birds, leading to the cancellation of Glasgow’s £120 million Commonwealth rail link. Steven Purcell, leader of Glasgow City Council, complained that while the budgies got food beyond cognition before they went into the chamber, his city was left with “the crumbs off the table”. However, speaking over chants of “Budgies before medals!” and “Running is rubbish!”, the First Minister defended the practice: “People have to realise, in these harsh times, how important it is to cut budgies to the bone.” By Noah Torn, Edinburgh University
covalent bonds and a sulphur bond
ingestion practices. Due to the nature of
between the 4th and 5th Carbons on the
(or
their work and the unnatural quantities
P-1 enzyme.
boyfriend) suck you off because
of sperm digested, studies revealed
The significance of this to the layman
they’ve missed dinner and need
the active protein ingredients in sperm,
is thus: the S-bond is too strong for our
feeding? If you haven’t call Katie
Protamine-1(P-1) and Protamine-2(P-2),
bodies to break down. This means that
–
real
were potentially fattening. As a result,
the virile, normal males soldiers are
bicycle, had her stomach pumped
tests and studies were conducted using
actually more closely related to fats than
three times (Lil’ Kim style). If you
a wide sample of porn stars, sexually
proteins. The implication being that when
have however, you’ll know that it
active
inactive
a sexually active female, giving 8-10
is a well-established fact that the
youths. The aim was to investigate its
blow jobs a month, tots up the impact of
protein found in male semen is full
wider implications for society beyond the
this on her diet it makes for distressing
of nutritional goodness. Research
confines of the sperm intensive, gash
reading. A deep-fried mars bar contains
has now come to light, from the
industry.
500calories, a doughnut between 200-
set of Scottish budgie cuts. The fledgling bird was unveiled to a
Productions to identify any abnormal
Ever
let
your
07969578290
girlfriend
-
she’s
a
youths
and
sexually
Federal Institute of Sexual Health,
Dr. Gush, Director of the Junior
350 and a diet of regular fellatio an
California, USA, spreading a different
Association of Medics (or JAM) headed
uncompromising 250calories a go! (The
sort of light all over Silicon Valley.
the team and found startling results. P-1
regular dietary requirement for a man is
calorific
and P-2 are found in different quantities
2500calories a day and 2000calories for
were
throughout the male population. If you
a woman).
sponsored after a sexual health clinic,
are infertile you have a disproportionate
The experiment ended there, yet the
specialising
entertainment,
amount of P-2, the inactive protein
social implication for a sex hungry United
found female actresses and homosexual
enzyme. However, if the male is healthy
States reach further than first expected.
male actors to be gaining weight at an
and virile, he will have a 60:40 P-1:P-2
Indeed Dr. Gush even suggested that is
alarming speed. After running tests to
ratio. The structure of P-1 is subtly
may be a contributory factor in the rise
check for drugs and eating disorders, a
differentiated to that of P-2, with the
of diabetes and obesity in America.
dietician was commissioned by ARSEMAN
Benzene ring having 5 instead of 6
Investigations constitution
of in
into male adult
the gunk
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November, 2009
...with
Including festive favourites... Turkey on the Wire The Holly and the Nettle Angst JFH
OUT NOW
Sam Newsome & HTJDR
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November, 2009
By Adam Mitchell & ToJo
news ı Sunday 27 September 2009, 13:44 UK Time
I’m Dynamite the sarcastic pier-side donkey. Welcome to my hard-kicking blog about politics and current affairs and sugar lumps
Dynamite’s Podcasts You can stay up to date with Dynamite’s sarcastic news and feeds: Donkey Feed Donkey Eating Apples
JFH
I hear they’re calling the Conference ‘Operation Fightback’. Say, what was that campaign the BNP ran last year? You know the one? It was called ‘Operation Fightback’. Yeah, come to think about it they do sound similar, don’t they? ZING!
news ı Moday 28 September 2009, 17:23 UK Time What’s this I hear about Amir Kahn, the World Light Welter Weight Champ, posing for photos with Union Leaders Derek Simpson and Tony Woodley at ‘Operation Fightback’. And isn’t Kahn a friend of Cameron’s? If I was you Kahn I’d watch out, there’s a great clunking fist about. Amir Kahn? More like Amir Can’t. ZING!
news ı Tuesday 29 September 2009, 18:50 UK Time You know Labour got Lesley Garratt to sing a song at the big Labour Party Gala Dinner, she sang ‘Dream the Impossible Dream’. Wouldn’t it of been more appropriate if they got Robson and Jerome to sing ‘Here comes the Sun’. ZING!
news ı Wednesday 30 September 2009, 15:20 UK Time Everyone’s gone home. Except Mandy. Gave him a ride around the beach. Took him to a chippy and ordered him some guacamole. ZING!
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To find out what Apples are and how to book a ride on Dynamite... bite me.
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Night and the City
November, 2009
Model Lucy Paddy encapsulates this season’s Film Noir glamour. Sharp,classic coats are offset by artfully messed-up hair and smudged, smoky eyes.
Black Coat: £180, Urban Outfitters Belt: Reiss, £49 Tights: £6, Topshop Shoes: Model’s Own
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November, 2009
If there’s one item that every girl can justify splurging on once a year, no questions necessary, it’s a winter coat. Cost per wear it is the most purse friendly item you’ll buy, but getting it right is crucial. In these new credit conscious times it is more important than ever that your winter warmer ticks all the right boxes and is a real investment. Here at ‘The Sanctuary’ we are here to help and have found three of the best high-street offerings that are not only stylish and will last for seasons to come, but cover any student budget so as to keep your credit card company off your back. No need to thank us...
Image Two: Camel Coat: £100, Zara Belt: £25, Topshop Suede Thigh Boots: £100, Topshop Handbag: £25, Topshop
Styled by the National Style and Living Editing Team Hair and Make-up by Laurel Harrison Photography by Faye Willis Modelled by Lucy Paddy
Image Three: Long Feather Faux Fur Coat: £60.00, ASOS Grey shoe boots: £60, Topshop
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November, 2009 National Editor in Chief: Jasmine Belassie-Page jasmine@sanctuarynewspaper.co.uk For all contact details please go to the website: www.sanctuarynewspaper.co.uk National Deputy Editor: Johno Johnson National Politics and News Editors: Tommy Ricketts and Jonathan Holmes National Style and Living Editors: Faye Willis, Laurel Harrison and Rosie Gizauskas National Arts and Entertainment Editors: Katie Taylor and Katie Balcombe
Managing Editors: Sophie Melville (Birmingham), Rosie Duncan (Bristol), Amy Higgins (Durham), Tommy Ricketts and Jonathan Holmes (Edinburgh), Jenny Sainsbury and Chloe Hasler (Exeter), Maddy Kershaw (Leeds), Anne Everett (Manchester), Emily Hickman (Nottingham), Adam Salt (Oxford), Rob Weekes (Sheffield), Stephen Bassett (UCL), Ben Johnson (Warwick), Gordon Harrison (York). Sales Director: Jolyon Varley (0203 1451508) Founder and Publisher: Tom Freeman Published by MozzaMan Media Ltd, 1-6 Yarmouth Place, Mayfair, London, W1J 7BU Email: contact@sanctuarynewspaper.co.uk
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November, 2009
Style & Living
Vampire Chic: What to Be This Halloween By Helen Parker, Leeds University So, what are you dressing up as this Halloween? For the girls amongst us, chances are it will involve a corset, stockings, horrendously short tutus, or for the particularly fearless, all three. Dressing up sexily rather than scarily has become a Halloween fixture more prominent than mouldy pumpkins and the monster mash. Hordes of girls in forebodingly high heels stumble and stagger through the streets, like a plague of zombies, but with slightly less grace and composure. They often appear more like ladies of the night than children of the night. The days of trick or treat are long gone; the trickiest thing I did last Halloween being an attempt to attach my flatmate’s hold ups to her suspender belt after several glasses of wine. You only have to look at the success of True Blood and Twilight to see that the relationship between the steamy and the supernatural has never been stronger. And like watching either of these, dressing up at Halloween is a form of escapism. Usually onlookers would be slightly perturbed at the sight of vampires, witches and zombies roaming the streets, just as they would be taken aback by girls sauntering about in little more than lingerie, (unless of course you’re on a night out in my charming hometown of Stoke*). The boundaries between the magical and mundane become blurred. Social norms are suspended, and fantasy becomes reality, particularly for all red blooded males. Hem lines which would usually strike fear into your heart become suddenly enchanting. Suspension of belief may not be enough to convince you that the ghouls you see are
real, but it may well lure you into believing you can most definitely pull off that bustier. The world of fashion has never been one to shy away from making a spectral spectacle of itself either. Luella’s previous Autumn/Winter collection saw her send zombie like models lurching down the runway, all big, Bride of Frankenstein hair and deathly complexions.
Social norms are suspended, and fantasy becomes reality, particularly for all red blooded males Meanwhile this season Louis Vuitton’s models were displaying quirky bunny rabbit ears, in an unusually overtly cheeky example of public dressing up, with Topshop making its own, rather more affordable, versions too. While the thought of wearing them dayto-day may be hair-raising, it’s a perfect instance of how grandiose, ostentatious and simply silly fashion statements are a prerequisite for Halloween. It’s all about having fun with your façade, because this is the one day you can get away with it. *It’s okay Stoke, you know I love you really.
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November, 2009
Autumn/Winter 2009-10 Beauty Trends
pigment so the colour you see in the palette is the colour you get; always worth paying a bit more for.
By Emma O Gorman, Leeds University With a vast mix of different clothing styles coming through this season there are also some really diverse beauty trends that complement what we wear. So here’s a quick run down of the hottest looks in make-up this season to help you find the style that suits you best. Barely there Perfect for those blessed with a flawless complexion, the barely-there look consists of strong, big eyebrows (think Natalia Vodianova) glowing rosy cheeks, full, flush lips and very little else. Look to Bobbi Brown’s new ‘Nude’ collection, which includes a nude eyeshadow palette and shimmer brick, and lip colours that come in various
soft pink shades, to perfect this quaint and sophisticated look. A good foundation is also fundamental to this look, and with the first instalment of our student loans well settled into our bank accounts, why not invest in a Prescriptives Custom Blend foundation? An appointment with a Custom Blend Analyst will work with you to hand make your foundation to fit your skins exact tone and needs – be it oil control, moisture rich, and even firming. Head to a Prescriptives counter to book an appointment.
Forties Style Think classic smoky eyes and rouge lips for this one. This glamorous look is always important in the Autumn/Winter season, especially when it’s time to dig that Christmas party cocktail dress out again. This look can sometimes be too heavy for everyone to pull off, so there a few ways it can be updated. Although red is the ever popular choice, it doesn’t suit every skin tone, and so there are other colours coming through such as berry and violet colours which work well with darker skin tones, and oranges and corals which don’t look as harsh on fair complexions as bold reds might. To make this look more wearable in the daytime, a matte choice of lip colour teamed with a slick of black eyeliner can still be just as effective. A nice twist on the smoky eyed look is to use metallic eye shadows which are going to be very on trend for autumn/winter, or even choosing a softer colour like aubergine on pale skins and brunettes. Look to the likes of Moschino for inspiration, or even Bond girl Eva Green, who pulls this look off to perfection.
Eighties Punk A world away from the previous look, this is all about making a bold statement with your cosmetics. It breaks the classic beauty rule of “statement lips or eyes- never both”. Don’t be afraid to use colours that you don’t think would necessarily work well together because it’s all about creating an interesting clash so the funkier the better. Also try new ways of applying colour; those with a steady hand could try adding some bold, graphic flicks of eyeliner for example. For building this look, stock up on Urban Decay or MAC products, both brands providing the most vivid colour stories on the market. Despite being slightly pricey, they have a really strong colour
The Sanctuary’s Must Haves: Inside the Makeup Bag of our Editors… By Laurel Harrison, Leeds University
MAC lipstick in ‘Girl About Town’. A perfect alternative to the omnipresent red lips, go mental this Autumn and bright up your face with a bit of pink. Or if you’re really adventurous, try their ‘Morange’ lipstick, but don’t say I didn’t warn you – if worn incorrectly you could look like you’ve smeared some dayglo paint on your lips. I would also avoid UV lights.
Prescriptives Custom Blend Foundation. LITERALLY (well, almost literally) skin in a bottle. The genius of the product lies in the title; one of the analysts at a Prescriptives counter will mix you the most perfect foundation before your very eyes to meet your own specific needs whether it be oil control, mattifying, or just general options to give you an awesome coverage. It’s a bit pricey at over £40, but its well worth the investment, particularly if you have trouble matching your skin tone. Also comes with a sample sized bottle to slip into your bag in preparation for the walk of shame the next morning – at least you’ll look radiant! Word to the wise though; if you have it mixed just after you’ve come back from holiday tell the person preparing it for you otherwise you’ll look like you’ve been tangoed when it wears off.
Ojon Rub-Out Dry Cleanser. Thank GOD for an alternative to Batiste’s horribly budget version of a dry shampoo, this product is an absolute miracle if you’ve slept through your alarm and don’t have time to wash last night’s stale smoke and/or greaseinducing products out of your hair. Also thankfully it won’t leave you looking like you’re replaced greasy hair for an ‘I dressed up as a granny last night’ excess of white powder on your scalp. Smells pretty awesome too.
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Shu Uemura False Eyelashes. The absolute dogs bollocks of the false eyelash world will make your tacky, plastic eyelure alternatives cower in the corner of your makeup bag, consumed by their inadequacy. Available in all sorts of colours, materials, looks and lengths (I dare you to try some of the feather ones) prices start at £11. Although this may sound like a lot of money, you can reuse them and they are well worth it.
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20 Tremendous in Tulle Article and illustration by Rudy Katoch, Nottingham University. Trend alert! Here is Róisín Murphy. She is seven months pregnant, and wears a tulle rose tutu cape designed by Viktor & Rolf. Those ‘with child’ take note: this is the current sartorial situation. Those ‘without child’ take note: this is the current sartorial situation. The tutu (a dubious garment in itself) has been brilliantly enlarged, moved up the torso and placed below the shoulders covering the entirety of your abdomen. Whether you have something to hide or nothing to hide – hide it with a Humpty Dumpty-esque silhouette. Chic, non?
November, 2009
The British Tourist By Laura Crane, Leeds University I’m visiting Cyprus for the first time, but I’m not going to be one of those typical British tourists like you see on Benidorm, yeah? For a start I’m not going to spend the next few weeks desperately aiming for “Kate’s beach body” as seen on the covers of Heat, Chat and Twat. Nah, I figure I can save money (and my figure) by sleeping during the day (made even easier by the 2 hour time difference) so I don’t have to buy food and shit, and I’ll just get my energy from drink ’cos my flatmate says it’s well high in calories. You won’t catch me eating chips and egg butties like all those other tourist mingers! Tomorrow I’m going to get my tan done, not ’cos I want to look like an oompa loompa though, I just reckon it’ll help me fit in a bit more with the locals because they’ve been out there ages and will be really brown already. I’ve even learned ‘yassass’ which means hello, so if I say that, they might mistake me for being Greek and it’ll be well funny when I start speaking in English. Hope they understand what a vodbull is... better say it really slowly and loudly just in case.
From Such Great Heights By Beth Main, Sheffield University If you were as devastated as I was to hear about the ban on high heels in the workplace and just don’t have a clue what to do with your ‘will DEFINITELY go with everything’ six inch heels, here are just a few ideas to give them a new purpose. As you embrace this newly squat lifestyle, why not add a little height up top and turn your hand to millinery, creating a stylish line of stiletto headwear à la Elsa Schiaparelli? Anything from hats to hairclips and adorned scrunchies – grab your glue gun and get creative! Alternatively, pack a little soil into the toe and plant some watercress seeds. When they grow, you can have a home-made, ultra-organic salad or soup, just the thing for lunch in the office! To emphasise your rebellious nature, you could turn your high heels into pen pots or paperweights placed conspicuously on your desk – maybe even leaving footprints on a memo or two. Or, one could place the shoes in a glass box or within a gilt gold picture frame to create poignant modern art. Shoes could make the perfect replacement pet for those of us who actually don’t like animals, so why not cover them in fur to make less messy, hungry, demanding companions? Of course, you could always just snap the heels clean off and wear them as flats. Simple, easy and effective!
Me and my mates want a bit of, like, culture so we’re staying in a proper Cyprus inn. I’m getting a bit worried though that it might not have any TV channels I can understand, and the Tesco holidays brochure didn’t say what their policy was on bringing people back. It’d be totally wicked if I could find a local to go back with anyway, then I’d get to see inside their actual house – how many normal tourists get to see that? Maybe I’ll even find love like that girl on The One Show and stay out there, it would look so cool as my Facebook status. Anyway, I’ve still got to get my holiday outfits, so I’m going to Topshop which is nice and different from my usual Primark. After all, I don’t want to look like all them other slutty tourists.
Reaching New Heights By Vanessa Riding, Birmingahm University Knee high boots are always a wardrobe staple come wintertime. Stylish and practical, they tick all the right boxes. It¹s no wonder that this year they¹re being reinvented in the form of the thigh high. Yes, that¹s right. No longer are they purely associated with the likes of Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. Thigh highs were one of the major trends across the autumn/winter catwalks from Louis Vuitton to Stella McCartney. Now the trend is beginning to reach the high street and of course Topshop are one of the first to follow suit. Their version in both leather and suede gave a good fashion edge to what¹s otherwise a shoe for ladies of the night. This is the main problem: how to wear them without looking like you¹re trying to earn the money to pay for them. Suede is a good option, never go bare legged and avoid fishnets. Covering 75% of your legs in leather is definitely one for the brave, but we should have seen this coming with the leather leggings of last year. There will be people that despise them and you will get a few looks of disgust because well, they can look like a pair of waders. However there will also be those who look on in admiration of your courage and given a chance I think thigh highs could prove to be wearable and sophisticated. If not, then maybe that makes me Belle du Jour.
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November, 2009
Trick or Treat? Public Displays of Affection in Chile By Marie Drucker-Allister, Leeds University
By Phillipa Buckley, Bristol University So it’s that time of the year again when supermarkets become adorned with cheap, spooky masks, the shelves fill with luminous sweets that force parents to treble their kids’ recommended daily and silly string increases its sales by 1000%. So with this in mind I thought this wine review would be more of a punch review which I firmly believe is an essential part of any kind of attempt at a student Halloween party. Having convinced my friends that a Halloween party in the first week of October was an amazing idea, I headed down to my local trusted Sainsbury’s and searched their beautiful wine aisle for the best quality wine I could find, eventually deciding on the Basics range coming in at a whopping £1.90. This posher than posh wine declared that it went with ‘anything’, so en-route to the checkout I grabbed some fizzy sweets and some spider decorated cupcakes. After taking one look at my chosen wine the cashier whipped out a disclaimer form stating that there were ‘possible adverse side affects’. I briefly glanced at it and after a moment or two of deciding whether ‘potential burning of the oesophagus’ was really that bad, I signed, paid and headed straight back home. Right, punch time! I grabbed my fine wine, some old fruit juice that had been sat in the fridge for a while and chucked them into an old fish bowl (RIP Freddie) and then quickly donned my amazingly inventive witches hat and awaited my friends arrival. Within minutes they were at my door dressed in suitable spooky attire with vodka in hand which immediately got thrown into the bowl. In the name of research we began on the punch ready to debate the complexities and simplicities of this punch. Now I would absolutely love to be able to give you a decent review but I woke up the following morning face down on my friends living room floor with a horrendous hangover, various clubs stamps adorning my hands and absolutely no recollection of what happened the previous evening. But, having checked Facebook a couple of days later, I realised that I actually had a pretty amazing night, if the pictures are anything to go by that is. Therefore, in my humble opinion if you’re planning on making a Halloween punch this year that needs more kick than taste, this is definitely the wine for you.
As a Brit I feel that there are certain levels of PDA which are culturally acceptable until the necessary ‘get a room’ card ought to be issued. In contrast, in this so-called conservative country it’s far more likely that you’ll witness the displays of affection outside the room than in it.
It’s a fact that you only truly feel the full effects of what it is to be British and the realities of our cultural stereotypes when you are not a Brit at home, but a Brit abroad. I am just one month into my year abroad and I can already feel the Britishness exuding When visiting or living in Santiago, the metro is from me. where you’ll be sure to encounter the worst culprits. In South American terms, Chile is supposedly one of Crammed in between the hoards of people, couples the more modest, reserved and culturally-European will be happily devouring each other’s faces, countries, especially when compared with others regardless of an audience of thirty-plus people within such as Brazil, Argentina and Columbia. In my uncomfortably close proximity witnessing a full-on short amount of time so far in Santiago de Chile, I love scene. Similarly, a trip to the park can make have noted that the Chilean reserve is particularly the most independent, contentedly single person feel apparent in their dress sense. The same cannot be like they should jump on the next random man or said, however, when it comes to Public Displays of woman who happens to come their way. Affection (PDA). It seems that here, PDA’s are accepted anywhere and everywhere. For a country that has suffered so much and so recently under a ruthless dictatorship, their willingness and freedom of showing and sharing affection seems all the more understandable. Perhaps, therefore, as a Brit branded with all of the public insecurities that our nation knows how to instil best (stiff upper lip and all that), I should look at the case of the Chilean PDA with the philosophy, ‘If you can’t beat them, join them!’
I saw Anna Wintour without her sunglasses Slough Fashion Week Poem and article by Rudy Katoch, Illustration by Johanna Bergqvist, Nottingham University
I saw Anna Wintour without her sunGlasses at Burberry. Of course not. I Barely saw her, notorious, wrapp’d in Gloriously amoral Fur. Drap’d dun, Excuse the pun, I saw Anna reply To the public eye: sans emotion. Journalist: So, explain this poem for us. Poet: Oh okay, well I tried to use iambic pentameter with enjambment through an ABCABD rhyme scheme.
By Sophie Blake, Edinburgh University Last week celebrated the 25th Anniversary of Slough Fashion Week. Dedicated followers of fashion travelled from as far afield as Watford and Borehamwood to attend the star-studded event. The week saw an array of fabulous catwalk shows presenting the new autumn collections from fashion legends such as Evans and Peacocks. In true Fashion Week style the real action took place once the curtain had fallen, at the famously decadent after-parties. The prime hot spot was the Newt and Cucumber on the High Street closely followed by Delicious Kebab House. All in all, the event was a huge success and Slough held its own against the foreign competition, with fashion weeks occurring simultaneously in Bologne and Compton.
Journalist: Well, you are right: you ‘tried’. I’m guessing the C and D part of the poem was because you couldn’t find a rhyme? It barely worked. So, could you explain the poem for us? Poet: It isn’t meant to work. The speaker tries to break the structure assigned to her discourse. Hence: the friction between poetic form and the poetic content. It’s the equivalent to an ill-fitting bustier. The awkwardness of the Fashion industry’s status in this current economic climate; of Anna’s presence at London Fashion Week in September; as well as her filmic representation in The September Issue – all this inspired the poem. The discourse pushing against the structure, it’s fierce – isn’t that fashion after all?
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November, 2009
Bunny Introducing our new Agony Aunt column: Ears Miss Caustic Clara By Bernadette Chapman, Sheffield University
Oh my days, Marc Jacobs is truly untouchable. Surely bunny ears by any other designer would not look as sweet? I am referring, of course, to the soon to be ubiquitous rabbit ears by Marc Jacobs for Louis Vuitton. These are a far cry from the cheapo ‘hen weekend’ efforts à la Claire’s Accessories; all tacky and grubby with the colour of Apple Sourz and the aroma of sweaty men by the time 3am comes around. Rather, this new breed is an elegant impressionist representation which will probably last about as long as a rabbit in headlights. Regardless, just like that god-awful song, I don’t know why I love them but I do!
No Work Experience
Miss Clara has been an Agony Aunt for 86 years and has previous worked at Vague, My Monthly, HELL and Vain. If you have issues and you would like Miss Clara’s advice, please email: missclara@sanctuarynewspaper.co.uk Trauma of the 12 Inch Cock Dear Clara, I’ve been dating a guy for a few weeks and everything was going really well until we slept together for the first time. With trepidation and excitement I peeked under the covers, only to be confronted with the most enormous penis I’ve ever seen! As it inched towards me I was terrified and truly feared for my health. Please help as I really like this guy but don’t think I can handle another encounter with the monster cock.
By A.N. Intern
Amy, Cambridge.
So all was well and good when I turned up at Pogue House this summer, ready and waiting to photocopy, file, and make tea for two weeks. I took the lift up to floor six, and with a big smile on my face, introduced myself to the girl at reception. ‘Ya. Just sit there,’ she says, not looking at me.
Dear Amy, I recommend you interpret the 12 inch cock not as a problem but rather something you need to tackle. Used correctly I’m sure you will come to think warmly of your pink friend. Invest in some lube and perhaps try out some breathing exercises.
So I sit there. For an hour. This is fine, I tell myself. I’m still learning. Of course, there is only so long you can spend sitting on your arse staring at people who are working away on their computers before you start to look like a nutter. ‘Is there anything you want help with?’ I ask the reception girl. ‘Not right now.’ She says, eyes glued to her screen. These are the three words I will hear most often for the next two weeks: ‘Not’, ‘right’, and ‘now’. Always in that order. For the next two weeks I sit on my arse and stare into space. I keep asking every day if there is any work that anybody wants me to do, but I am not trusted to do anything. At all. What pains me is that I am so willing! Why am I here? ‘Is there anything you want help with?’ The new work experience girl asks me hopefully in my second week. ‘Not right now,’ I reply.
Drunken Anal Text Dear Clara, I’m in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend so we mainly communicate over the internet. Late last night I received a very long and poorly spelt email from her telling me that she wanted me to lick her arsehole. I’m not terribly keen on the idea- how should I reply? Danny, via email. Dear Danny, Any agony aunt will tell you that compromise is a big part of any successful relationship- and I’m no different, you need to toughen up, be a man and tell her next time you see her you want to lick her God damn arsehole!
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TAKE YOUR CAREER TO NEW HEIGHTS AT THE
MA/MSc
Open Event Wednesday 9 December 2009, 2pm to 4pm at Durham Business School
At Durham Business School we offer the following Masters programmes for recent graduates:
MA programmes:
MSc programmes:
■ MA Management
■ MSc Accounting and Finance
(also available via Distance Learning)
■ MSc Corporate and International Finance
■ MA Financial Management
■ MSc Economics and Finance
■ MA Marketing
■ MSc Finance
(also available via Distance Learning) ■ MA Human Resource Management
■ MSc Finance and Investment ■ MSc International Banking and Finance ■ MSc International Money, Finance and Investment
Interested? Then come along to our MA/MSc Open Event. You will see a presentation from the Programme Directors, with an overview of the facilities and support available as well as career services. In addition to meeting members of the MA and MSc teams, current students will be on hand to tell you about their Durham experience. For further information on our Masters programmes please call 0191 334 5439 or email ma.admin@durham.ac.uk To book a place on this Open Event please visit: www.dur.ac.uk/dbs/news and click on open days Please book by 7 December: pre-booking is essential.
24
Arts & Entertainment
November, 2009
TRACEY EMIN: MA VIE EN FRANCE By Sam Price, UCL
Oh Tracey, we hardly knew ye... So those philistine bozos running the country have forced me out of Britain with their ridiculous conceptions of modern art. More fool them. A 50% tax rate?! You can’t tax art! You can’t tax Emin! I was so maddened when my butler told me the news, I went out and slept with a man immediately. Calmed me down right away. The taxman came round last Friday and demanded I pay up. He was really persistent, so I slept with him. It seemed like the logical thing to do. When he still insisted that I pay him (he wouldn’t accept my soiled duvet, valued at over £1.2 million), I decided enough was enough. I had to leave this retrograde country. People of Britain, I know this must cut you up inside. We’ve had some great times over the years. But I implore you to understand my reasoning. If you got paid over £150,000 per annum to make nonsense drawings of stick figures having sex, wouldn’t you feel you’ve earned a tax break? I chose France because of its sexual promiscuity, loose ideals with regard to hairy women and
their tolerance for sycophancy. So far, so cosy. If Roman Polanski can get a free ride with these cheese-munchers, I figured it should all come up roses for Emin. Vive la revolution!
First off I rented a villa on the Île de Ré. It was dull, populated by ugly fish-wives and their uglier children. I was even accosted by a baguettewielding maniac in a local branch of Super U when I made an offhand comment about oral sex being the most natural thing in the world. I sucked him off to placate him. I think it’ll form the centrepiece of my new exhibition. Potential title: ‘Emin Sucks Off Clerk in Rustic Supermarché’ I’m also thinking of doing one called ‘Gay Paris’. I round up all the gays, force them into leather one-pieces, then run them around town on a milk float flogging them with a cat o’ nine tails. It’s conceptual art designed to combat the contemporary notion of homophobia. Plus I’ve always wanted to be a fag hag. The other day a local fisherman, Pierre, told me to go to La Rochelle and sample the local cuisine, taste the bouillabaisse, etc.
witch. The following morning, dizzy from the vodka, I cracked out the tent and stitched his name on it. Another hundred grand in the kitty.
It must’ve been a euphemism because the next thing I knew I was riding him like a craven she-
Ah, France. It ain’t Margate, that’s for sure. Tax that, broken Britain!
PLAYBOY DEBACLE AT TATE Damien Hirst’s Blue (Daba De Daba Di) collection
mento mori that are revelatory. Seeing dark blue canvases on the duck egg blue silk wallpaper of the Wallace Collection is magical. No Love Lost, Blue Paintings by Damien Hirst’ exhibition opened October 13, 2009 in London. The collection comprising of 25 new paintings by British artist Hirst, is being shown in the UK for the first time. The new works, created between 2006 and 2008 mark the artist’s return to the solitary practice of painting. Finally.
By Rudy Katoch, Nottingham University After the Brooke Shields publicity stunt went wrong, Playboy has now tried to seek other avenues to legitimately enter the Tate Modern: this time through the back door. Ha.
‘the ideal context for me to highlight the philosophical nature of my work’.
Well, literally – a giant inflatable rabbit could only enter through the back door.
So, as the broadsheets are saying ‘This rabbit hits the right spot’ between the art as an entity reacting and acting within the space prescribed. The 52fthigh balloon is to be displayed in the Tate Modern exhibition Pop Life: Art in a Material World.
The helium-filled artwork was created by one of the world’s most bankable artists, Jeff Koons, and is making its UK debut. Presenting work at the Palace of Versailles in 2008, Koons is willing to use the space around the art to provide
Commissioned by Playboy, Koons’ early work has relations with the magazine, his kitsch sculptures and a series of pornographic images of him and his former wife (the adult film star Ilona Staller) to name but a few.
By Rudy Katoch, Nottingham University Damien Hirst’s presentation of works from his ‘Blue’ movement is astounding. Equivalent to Picasso’s own ‘Blue period’, these beautifully drawn and expertly painted skull motifs take your breath away. There are even introductions of new motifs like roses and butterflies: me-
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This is what we need to see – a juxtaposition of a dar(l)ing conceptual artist with the Grand Masters such as Rembrandt and Velázquez, Titian and Van Dyck. Maybe now the Art world and planet Earth can understand this sad little affair, as The Times put it, as ‘Francis Bacon meets Adrian Mole’. Quelle dommage, Damien.
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November, 2009
Let Lady Garden find your funny bone By Katie Taylor, Manchester University How did you come up with the name, Lady Garden? What we wanted was something that suggested we were women but not too female based! We had about 250 names but Lady Garden was a bit cheeky, quite funny and a bit wierd. Not very easy to explain to your dentist or your grandma though when they sort of think it’s rude but don’t know why. How did you all meet each other and decide to create the comedy group? We were at Manchester University together, Eleanor and Camille organised a comedy night and we all wrote and performed in that - we got on so well we set up Lady Garden and the rest is history! Who or what are your creative influences? We love sketch shows like League of Gentlemen, Smack the Pony and the Fast Show. As a six we had lots of different influences, lots of older classic stuff like Fawlty Towers, Morcombe and Wise and Monty Python, and then newer and more cult stuff like Jam, Big Train and Nighty Night. Having had two consecutive hits at the Edinburgh festival and signing a development deal with the BBC, how does it feel to be so successful so early on in your careers? Wonderful, very flattering - people have been very supportive and kind. We hope to continue working hard and playing hard and having a laugh along the way.
How do you think your material has developed since your initial foray at Edinburgh? It’s got a bit darker, we edit material a lot, and try to change stuff that doesnt work. After a year on the live circuit we have learnt to adapt our stuff for different venues and audiences too. Having seen your shows at the Manchester Comedy Store and at Mad Ferret music festival, you cover quite a lot of different issues in your comedy - what would you say is the most important? That they’re all funny. We use a lot of situation characters that hopefully people can relate to, and also use different topics that audiences will know about. Generally the issues we cover in the show stem from things that have amused us or annoyed us. Tell us a bit about your favourite characters that you portray in your performances? We all have different ones, such as Angel, the beatboxer who has actually ended up being a rapper. We also have one called Bev who is a tasteless charity worker and has been in both our Edinburgh shows. Emilia is a great new character too which Beattie likes - she’s in a sketch about Live Action Role Play (LARP). Rose can’t ever
decide between the yoga teacher and Trioncyanide. Hannah’s is boss Julie, a crazy boss. You will be collaborating with Idiots of Ants, how do you think you’ll find it working with another comedy sketch group? And how do you think both sets of comedy complement each other? We’ve done some shows with them before so it’ll be fun to perform with them again. It’s funny how similar themes come up between us but they are done totally different. We can’t wait! You perform live but are you thinking about performing for TV? We love doing live so much because you learn so quickly from the response.
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We would never stop doing it as it’s a great way to develop material, and of course hopefully at some point we can do TV too. Where will we be seeing the Lady Garden performers in ten years time? Hopefully still having loads of fun, touring the country as well as performing at the Manchester Comedy Festival. For more on Lady Garden check out The Sanctuary website. You can also comment on this article and other at: www.sanctuarynewspaper.co.uk/ talking_points
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November, 2009
David Lynch’s Dog Presents: Ways to Vastly Improve This Month’s Movies
Hollywood in Shock: Keira Knightley to Star in Film Set This Century
By Clarisse Loughrey, Edinburgh University The Invention of Lying - Lying? That’s been round for ages. It‘s frankly become a little boring. I lied 17 times yesterday. Mainly on whether that was me who soiled that carpet. You know what is exciting though? The invention of hovercraft boots.
By Caroline Bottger, Edinburgh University Hollywood’s directors, casting directors, producers and wig-makers are in a state of shock and mourning after Keira Knightley announced this week that her new film would be set in the 21st century.
The Soloist - Soloists are so, like, yesterday. If this movie doesn’t have La Roux in it you can forget about it. Loser. Fame - People trying to live forever? Super awesome. Let’s cryogenically freeze the little whippersnappers and unleash them upon a post-apocalyptic world so they can wreak havoc. Well when I say havoc I mean they’ll probably dance and sing and learn life lessons.
Due out in spring next year, the film is about a dog-walker in London (played by Knightley) who signs up for Crufts on a whim and falls in love with one of the judges (Colin Firth is expected to take the role).
Surrogates - The message of this film is apparently that living through technology is a dangerous and destructive thing. Facebook told me not to listen to anything they say though and instead just watch a video of a cat falling off a tall object. That would make a good movie actually. Darned cats.
The Sanctuary was under strict grounds to not divulge the storyline because there were “too many newspapers like that around [...] doing the same”, said an e-mail from a Hollywood executive. Knightley is preparing for the role through wearing running shoes and spandex, eating McDonalds, listening to the Strokes and not looking wistfully onto scenes of the Berkshires.
Shutter Island - Apparently this is meant to be a “serious” film, even though it is blatantly a rip-roaring comedy. Chasing mental patients around an island? Sounds like fun! It can be like the Benny Hill show for the criminally insane! Up - Enough of this. When’s Toy Story 3 coming out?
Cloudy with a The Soloist Chance of Meatballs By Emilie Jarrett, Bristol University
By Rob Knowles, Manchester University
Sceptical (as I am with all non-Pixar animations) of the cloud of positively charged hype surrounding `Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs’, I thought I’d go along and challenge myself to disagree with everyone else. In this respect I failed miserably. The unrelenting ridiculousness on screen, alongwith some superb voice acting (including cult hero Bruce Campbell), meant I was reduced to a state that the heroine - Sam Sparks (voiced by Anna Faris)- would only describe as giggly with a chance of hysterics¹. As the name suggests, the story does revolve around the weather. Inspired by Judi Barrett’s children’s book of the same name, in which a town called Chewandswallow is visited by bouts of culinary downpour. The movie fills in the history of how this phenomenon came about, starting out as a typical underdog story but escalating into a full blown sci-fi epic, with more than a passing tip of the hat to the likes of Independence Day¹.
Just as Steve Lopez catapults off his bike at the beginning of the film, The Soloist throws us headfirst in to the world of journalism. With an opening focused around printing newspapers, Steve narrates the accident in true journalistic style. Our attention is drawn to his main goal in life: finding the next newsworthy story, even if it comes at the expense of his personal life. Enter Nathaniel Ayers, a mentally ill and homeless man with stupendous musical talent. Initially, Lopez seems mainly interested in Ayers’s situation as a story for his column. Yet he soon becomes involved in the musician’s life and an unlikely friendship emerges. Lopez initially struggles with being friends with a schizophrenic, and is finally forced to accept that imposing what he thinks is best, cannot help Ayers. Rather he discovers that to be a good friend, he simply needs to be present and supportive. Although The Soloist appears to lack direction and seems slow at times, it offers a touching portrait of how two people with seemingly nothing in common can open each others’ eyes to the possibilities of life and the world.
The young inventor - Flint Lockwood (Bill Hader) - sets out to save his small fishing town from sardine-induced depression by making a machine that can turn water into food. He manages to get it stuck in the atmosphere (easily done) where it begins to convert the moisture of the clouds into any delicious meal of Flint¹s choosing. Suddenly the town geek becomes a hero and it seems that nothing can rain on his parades That is, until the mutant meatballs start falling. Beautiful animation and character design are expected in CGI films, if they are hoping to compete with Pixar. What is not expected, however, is for a children’s movie to be as topical and constructive in its writing. While delivering a continuous downpour of gags, never once feeling overly serious or preachy, the movie deals with environmental issues, obesity (slightly uncomfortable for the viewers who are packing all kinds of sugary snacks into their faces) and encourages general social responsibility as well as communal spirit. ‘Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs’ is a delicious sandwich of desirable and often surprising qualities. With Pixar’s `Up’ tailing its release, it will be interesting to see which one the public thinks tastes better.
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November, 2009
Creating a Monster By Claire Keegan, Leeds University
David McKee’s classic childhood tale Not Now Bernard seems, on the surface, to be just the kind of silly story that toddlers would love. However, delving in to the inner workings of McKee’s narrative pulls us in to a much darker plotline, full of the horrifying twists and turns of a child neglected by his own parents. Adopting the simplistic style of a typical children’s story proves a clever technique for McKee, allowing him to explore the initial innocence of the protagonist, Bernard, through his simple language and sentence structure, as well as through the block, bold colours of his childish illustrations. The behavioural problems experienced by Bernard become signified through the “monster” that later consumes him – a barelyveiled allegory for the sociopathic tendencies to which he eventually surrenders. Clearly McKee’s exploration of the results of child neglect takes on an extreme form, but ultimately his message proves to be hardhitting. The fact that the protagonist’s parents fail to notice his cries for help, rejecting their parental responsibilities, leaves the reader with the disturbing final image of the changed child-monster alone in the dark, begging the question, “What happens next?” Ultimately, McKee’s novella is a beautifully rendered and well-constructed tale, exploring a difficult issue in the most basic of terms.
Through the sqaure window Sinéad Morrissey, Manchester University
Through the Square Window
Northern Irish poet Sinéad Morrissey is set to release her latest collection of poetry, titled Through the Square Window, in November.
In my dream the dead have arrived to wash the windows of my house. There are no blinds to shut them out with.
The 37 year old poet has amassed an impressive amount of awards over the past two decades, and the title piece of her latest book (opposite) recently won the National Poetry Competition.
The clouds above the Lough are stacked like the clouds are stacked above Delft. They have the glutted look of clouds over water.
The public were lucky enough to get a glimpse of what to expect with her latest work when she performed at the Manchester Literature Festival. Focusing on fertility, pregnancy, and the landscape of early childhood, Sinéad did not need the 96 page book in her hand as she is blessed with the ability to recite her poetry off by heart.
The heads of the dead are huge. I wonder if it’s my son they’re after, his effortless breath, his ribbon of years ─ but he sleeps on unregarded in his cot, inured, it would seem, quite naturally to the sluicing and battering and pairing back of glass
Despite the awards, and the rave reviews (The Irish Times described her previous compilation of poems as ‘a book of splendours’), not everyone is an admirer. A Guardian blogger wrote a lengthy critique of Through the Square Window, stating: ‘I’m not convinced that she has applied sufficient imaginative or formal pressure to her raw material.’
that delivers this shining exterior … One blue boy holds a rag in his teeth between panes like a conjuror.
But her strength is her ‘hit and miss’ ability – you either get it or you don’t. She continues to write with a distinct style, making a mockery of Oscar Wilde’s statement that ‘to be popular one must be a mediocrity’.
the massed canopies of Hazelbank, the severed tip of Strangford Peninsula, and a density in the room I find it difficult to breathe in
Through the Square Window, published by Carcanet Press, is released 28th November.
And then, as suddenly as they came, they go. And there is a horizon from which only the clouds stare in,
until I wake, flat on my back with a cork in my mouth, stopper-bottled, in fact, like a herbalist’s cure for dropsy.
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The Three Little Whores and The Big Bad Pimp By Gemma Perkins, Sheffield University Once there were three sisters Who lived in a caravan Their mother was on benefits And just got herself a new man One day their mother exclaimed Right now, this just wont do! You¹re taking up too much space And I can¹t afford to feed you Go out and get yourselves jobs Text me when you¹ve made your first grand And the best advice I can give you Is to get cash up front and in hand. The sisters went out on their way A little bit dazed and confused My my, what a big decision, said Bekki What career paths should we choose? I’ve always like sleeping around, said Chaz So that’s just what I’m going to do Open my very own brothel You’re welcome to join me too. That’s great! Said Chantelle all excited But I think we should each have our own Then we get three times the business And three times the cash to send home. So the sisters went and formed brothels Chantelle’s was by a parking lot Open door policy, plenty of girls And large windows for when it got hot Bekki was a little more clever She paid to have CCTV So she could keep out the riff-raf And make porn videos for free Chaz was much more cautious She hired bouncers armed with knives So anyone threatening her girls Could be roughed up or stabbed in the eyes A big bad pimp by the name of Jason Heard of the three working girls The thoughts of them stealing his business Was enough to make his hair curl He paid Chantelle’s place a visit He knocked while wearing a frown Shouting Oi Ho! Let me in! Let me in! Or I’ll shut your whore house down! Chantelle cried Not by my Brazilian! Jason used a window to get inside He trashed up the rooms and scared off the girls Poor Chantelle ran away and cried Next he went around to Bekki¹s He was loud, you could hear him through town Shouting Oi Ho! Let me in! Let me in! Or I’ll shut your whore house down! Bekki cried Not by my Brazilian! And tracked him through her CCTV But he smashed up the cameras one by one Then got inside by climbing a tree He punched up some of the punters Gave them a right old fright Bekki gave up and took her takings Then scarpered off into the night Lastly he went over to Chaz’s She heard him as she undid her gown Shouting Oi Ho! Let me in! Let me in! Or I’ll shut your whore house down! Chaz cried Not by my Brazilian! And apologised to her gentleman friend She made a call to the bouncer To order that the pimp’s life must end She then got back to earning her wages Not worrying as she shook the rafter Because Jason was dead in the alley And she lived happily ever after
28
November, 2009
A Sweet Thing Subsource
By Luis Gomes, Bristol University
By Rhiannon Smith, Manchester University
As the new term enters full swing, we are all in denial that a summer of sunshine, fruit flavored cider (and maybe part-time work) is over. For those who just don’t want to let go of the care free days of summer, whip ‘Hed Kandi the Mix: Summer 2009’ into your stereo or download list (legally of course). Sit back and visualise the sandy beach, the warm sun on your face, and the ocean tide tickling your feet. Alternatively get up and get grinding to the addictive beats of summer- why not? It’s only October, and time to claim it as the extra summer month that it is.
Scala, London, 9th October 2009
‘Hed Kandi’ is a well known British dance label which produces some of the most diverse and original club/funky house/chill music around. Each summer Hed Kandi releases a mixtape-esque three disc album of beats for your Friday night, hardcore clubbing for Saturday night, and chilled out sessions for your Sunday morning. All the tracks are mixed seamlessly for that endless summer experience.
The problem with Subsource is just that though their latest single, ‘The Reason’ builds up energy and breaks down well (and I have no doubt that I will find myself dancing along to it again in the future) it’s not very original. Artists such as Prodigy and Pendulum have taken dirty and dark dance music into the mainstream in recent years and though Subsource do have a new take on the genre: metal meets electronica meets cyberpunk meets drum n’ bass, they fail to define their own sound in a coherent way. It’s a bit like a d’n’b Linkin Park -with a mohawked punk and a double bass. In other words there’s just too much going on to really get a grasp of what kind of style they’re aiming for- the genre shifts so often. With massive speakers blowing eardrums (I did hear one girl leave the dance floor saying ‘It’s TOO loud’), I can’t deny that I was dancing for most of their performance but it’s not music you can really just listen to-you either dance or leave the room. Subsource has developed their style out of numerous other genres to make a sound that is in ways perplexing. They had energy, they had a passion for their music, but the problem was it just wasn’t all that special.
Tracks to watch out for on this scorcher include ‘Lift- Pryda’; ‘Gypsy Woman 2009 (Tristan Garner Remix)- Tristan Garner Vs Crystal Waters’;’If (Ronda Remix)- Jimmy Chew Brand’. All, of course, best served chilled after a hard day on campus. Album Discussed: Hed Kandi The Mix: Summer 2009. Available in: All major record shops. (HMV etc). Price: HMV- £10.99
To combine a ‘freakishly sexy’ dress code with a security frisking that bordered on violation is a little odd but once you are into Scala it is totally worth it. Subsource were launching their new single at this charity event and being sandwiched between Cabaret acts made the evening slightly surreal.
Loverman share their parasites By Katie Balcombe, Nottingham University
aged to come a little further. They grew up a little more than we allowed them to before.
Apparently ‘Loverman have parasites, they wreck cars, they break amps and bones’…The Sanctuary found out more.
What do you prefer- making music in the studio or performing live?
Where does the name Loverman come from? Is it a musical reference?
They are very different things and I consider them in different lights. Recording is hard work and takes longer to show reward. When we play a show and we’re all playing well and we’re communicating with people you start to understand why people join the church, its complete abandon.
Loverman; there are plenty songs with the name. Really good songs, I guess it starts with Billie (Holiday) she sings a beautiful, melancholy Loverman, it’s one of the all time greats. Then there’s Jimi’s (Hendrix) song, Nick Cave has one on ‘Let Love In’ and Shabba Ranks of course. We’re not named after any one of these; it’s more like all of them. We always thought only the most pathetic, egomaniacal creep would have to audacity to call themselves Loverman.
What is your music making processis there a lyricist and someone else who writes the music, or is it a collective process? Some songs come partially formed to the room, sometimes there’s a definite vision even before it’s been played. Then sometimes we’ll get a groove going and play it over and over adding parts, taking them away. I’ll (Gabriel) write the lyrics mainly on my own. I find if they’re improvised they can be better but they start being too truthful, so I sit at home and lie to myself most nights.
Who are your musical influences? We listen to a lot of American music. Bands like The Melvins, Nirvana, Black Flag and Jesus Lizard. Also Leonard Cohen, Tom Waits and Joanna Newsome. The songwriter William Bell is good. We find inspiration from many books as well; Russian books, English books, American books, French books, good books, bad books. There are melodies in train announcements and other people’s conversations. If you can find a musician who no ones ever heard of then you’ve got something. Plagiarism works. How did you all meet? Jon and I had been playing together since we were kids at school. We met Chris and Adam when we were jumping between bands in London. It’s a small scene so like minded people tend to bump into each other and break away, it’s like atoms and molecules. I’ve read some haunting things
Where is the place you would most like to perform? about the band. Do you think you are jinxed? We have had a lot of bad luck. I think we’re on three cars written off, amps stolen, guitars broken, miserable ghosts who think I’m their father. But, we’ve had good luck too, it balances itself out. If you do believe in some sort of jinx surrounding the band does it affect or inspire your music? Sometimes we feel like it’s a fight and the music becomes aggressive. Some-
times it can be a celebration and sometimes, when we feel particularly hopeless and sorry for ourselves, it’s a dying man’s belch. Tell us about your album ‘Human Nurture’. What’s the sound on the album? Is it similar to the music you have been producing in the past? It’s more of an EP, five songs; it comes in at around twenty minutes. It was recorded really well. Sounds like music grown ups make. The songs started out at the same place, they just have man-
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The Grande Ballroom, Detroit, Wednesday 23rd July 1969. Are there any big events in the pipeline that we can tell our readers about? A: Mercury has come out of retrograde so things are going to get better, hold on in there, the last few months have been tough but the new year will bring with it new opportunities. Find out more about Loverman on our website.
29
November, 2009
The Bright Lights of America
By Thomas Hewson and Will Howells, Birmingham University The Sanctuary get up close and personal with drummer Pat Thetic of politicalpunk band Anti-Flag to talk all things Iraq, Obama and veganism. How do you feel about Obama’s residency so far?
Barack
“I’m optimistic about what he’s said but I’m not as optimistic about what’s been done. I’d like to see Guantánamo Bay closed, and that hasn’t been closed yet; I’d like to see the troops out of Iraq, and they haven’t come out yet; I’d like
to see universal healthcare, and that hasn’t happened yet. We’re still giving money to banks and to people who messed up in the first place and not giving money to people who are out of work or who are losing their homes. I am optimistic and I think the election of Barack Obama is a step in the right direction but I think that now, more than ever, we need to press for these things so we can really have true change not just another politician who is serving the people who got him elected; the rich people.” British MP Jack Straw vetoed the release of cabinet minutes detailing the build up to the war on Iraq claiming them to be damaging to cabinet politics. [Pat laughs – “of course it would”] Were you aware of this? “I was not are aware of this but that’s very interesting. I also heard that they made it so that you can’t see where their funding is coming from and going to. I think any time you have people in
power who are hiding things it’s not a good thing. They always say ‘oh it’s national security oh it’s this or oh it’s that’. You know throughout history people in power want to do things behind closed doors because the things they are doing are messed up, unethical and immoral; so yes they never want that stuff to be released! And so it’s our jobs to push to have that stuff released because ultimately they are doing that stuff in our name. Thousands of people have been killed; Americans, the British and potentially hundreds of thousands of Iraqis based on these documents that are out there. People should be aware of them. Democracy only works when everybody has all the information.” With you being vegan, do you have any advice for young people who are looking to give up meat or dairy? “Erm…no [laughs]. I think you need to make the choice on your own; our job is not to make other people become vegetarian or vegan. It’s a choice that I made on my own much like choosing not to drink alcohol or do drugs; those were ways for me to get through life. For me it’s helped immensely and if you want to make those choices then I applaud you. Right now in our world, and our culture especially in the U.K. and the U.S., there are so many food choices that do not involve the slaughter of animals. It’s very easy to get all of the nutrition that you need through just eating vegetables. There is always going to be people who say that you have to eat meat and you have to do this. I’m also told all the time that if I don’t drink beer then I’m a sissy. I make choices on my own. If you look at the animal kingdom elephants don’t
eat any meat and they are BIG scary animals!” Do you have any advice for students, and young people in particular, who are looking to get involved in grass roots politics? “I don’t really have much advice but there are a lot of organizations out there. A lot of times people think they need to reinvent the wheel and we’re [Anti-Flag] guilty of that sometimes too. There are a lot of people out there who are doing great work and sometimes it’s better to go in and interact with them and add your power to those who are already doing the good work; sometimes that gets more stuff done. But then there are other times when you think ‘you know what, the other people around me are not doing it the way I think it should be done the best so I’m going to make it happen myself’ and I think that’s valid too. You have to read each situation and each community as different and see what is out there.” Finally, if you could change just one thing about America what would that be? “Change just one thing? That’s a very large question so I will go with a broad answer. I would say that I’d change the distribution of wealth. There’s racism in the States, there’s hatred and I think it all comes down to classism. I think if you distribute the wealth in a more egalitarian way many of the other situations that are going on in western society would mellow out. I don’t think they would go away but it would be a pretty good start”.
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30
November, 2009
The ‘special relationship’ of British and American television By Luke Morgan, Bristol University The Sanctuary maps the journey of UK shows trying to make it in the Big Apple. Earlier this year, at the very peak of Obamamania, much was being made of the so-called ‘special relationship’ between the UK and US, with the press in uproar that we had been effectively demoted from ‘In a Relationship’ to ‘It’s Complicated’. This relationship is reflected through the medium of television with the U.S eager to take the finest of British wit and humour and give us some drivel in return. We send more troops and this is the ‘thanks’ we get? Yes, they have given us some good dramas but they’ve also infested our screens with the likes of Nicole Richie. The true tragedy occurs when we offer them perfection and they decide to Yankify it. Despite it’s countless Emmys, I just can’t enjoy the American Office. Steve Carell plays the American Brent not with the loveable cringeworthiness of Ricky Gervais but like another unfunny Will Ferrell character, which incidentally is every Ferrell character. If you adapt something, it’s
soul and ethos should be kept intact, which this doesn’t. The original was a mockumentary of dry realism; the American version could be any other sitcom with overacting and over-stylised production, losing much of its original distinction and charm. There are rumours of Peep Show being adapted for an American audience while Gavin and Stacey is also in the pipeline. The latter sounds especially alarming as the whole essence of its humour lays in it’s geographical bearings, if this changes then the whole premise of the show vanishes. Pre-production notes inform that the ‘Gavin’ character is going to hail from New Jersey while ‘Stacey’ South Carolina. They’ll probably call it something sickening like ‘Brett and Courtney’. A tiny glimmer of hope is that all early indications show that Peep Show has a better chance of making the voyage across the Atlantic remaining largely in tact, with the screenplay in the safe hands of Robert Weide and Larry David of Curb Your Enthusiasm. If even these two most-esteemed scriptwriters screw this one up then that is it for our ‘special relationship’. I will abstain from Starbucks indefinitely and every time I visit KFC, I will only ever refer to it as Freedom Fried Chicken.
I’m not sick, but I’m not well
could be fathered by either friend, bringing a brutal end to Mark’s chances with Dobby, the IT misfit with whom he is surely destined to be, were the universe (and possibly he) less unkind. As Mark says, “I hardly have to modify my behaviour at all around her.”
By Hannah Mae Collins, Bristol University Since the fifth series of Peep Show, the world changed: America elected its first black president, we lost the King of Pop and the banks squandered everyone’s money. But, at last, Britain’s most dysfunctional love story since CamillaGate is back on our screens – proving comfortingly uncomfortable and as pleasingly bleak as ever. The world may move on, but Jez and Mark never will. For those less au fait, Peep Show sees comedy duo of the moment, Mitchell and Webb, as two sexually-frustrated, socially-embarrassing and mutually contemptuous friends. Like Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau in The Odd Couple, or two characters in a Beckett play, they are doomed to be together forever, for better or, invariably, worse. The last series ended with an unborn child that
While Series 5 also saw Jez and pill-popping fantasist bandmate Super Hans joining a cult, the first episode of the new series reveals a more realistic approach to the scripts. The credit crunch has indeed taken its toll as Mark loses his recently-promoted position at JLB when the company relocates overseas. He is left wondering who the Prime Minister will be when he finishes making the repayments on a new sofa (“an unborn Milliband?” he speculates), lamenting that he “didn’t get a chance to show Dad a business card” and eventually demanding “How did this happen? I woke up Branson, then ended the day humping shit, cash-in-hand, for Super Hans.” As is customary, things can only get worse. Jacko’s death has left a void in pop that Jeremy can dream of filling but without his flatmate to sponge off, what will be the illicit lengths he’ll go to fund his “art”? And without the 9-5, Mark has more surplus time to spend, or waste, on his frenzied search for “The One”. The future looks grey for Jez and Mark, as the two get older, and the situation can only get that bit darker. Alas, as Jeremy concludes: “Who knows? Who the fuck even cares?” Whatever misfortune is thrown at them, it’s bound to be hilarious.
TV Listings
By Stuart Paterson and Jonathan Holmes, Edinburgh University BBC 1 Celebrity Bargain Chef in the Attic A celebrity chef spends a day attempting to cook a 3-course meal using only the ingredients found in their attic. The meal is sold at market and proceeds going to charity. Who Do You Think You’re Talking To? Celebrities investigate and contact their deceased relatives. This week, Joanna Lumley talks to her late Auntie Agatha about how she caused the Wall Street crash, while Patsy Palmer becomes a vessel for arcane evil. Presented by Jade Goody BBC 2 Ainsley’s Completely Unprepared Off-The-Cuff Shambolic NonOffensive Cookery Show An hour of lighthearted pastry-themed chaos with the nation’s favourite adulterer. This episode, the culinary teddy bear makes an omelette without breaking any eggs, before chatting with Boris Johnson about how you can have your cake and eat it too. ITV1 FILM: The Matrix Relocation Relocation Network Premier. Having saved Zion, the last human city on Earth, Neo (Keanu Reeves) consults Kirstie Allsop on a possible move to the country. But will ‘The One’ choose to downsize to a beautiful cottage in Cornwall or will he go for the 4-bedroom bungalow near Blackpool? Civilisation awaits the outcome… Repeated indefinitely on ITV2 CH4 Autopsy Live: Michael Jackson The King of Pop go under the knife of Gunther Von Hagens of Body Works fame. Airfix have created replica Jacko corpses to allow viewers to cut along at home (to order yours visit channel4.com/dissectjacko). Commentary from Jackson’s friends Uri Geller, Beyoncé, Elton John and Susan Boyle. Presented by Justin Lee Collins
Derren Brown: Con Artist to Con Man By Julian Paolo Ursell, Sheffield University Day 26: I’m still stuck here. On my sofa. It’s a leather DFS mind, but I didn’t envision spending the winter here. The TV is still on Channel 4, and to be honest I’m not sure I can take another hour of Come Dine With Me. Ever since that wanker decided to enslave the television nation by subliminally gluing us to our seats, I have been rooted here like a depressed lemming. Whatever happened to the smooth, Bond-esque card sharp that could wow us with his Rainman - like abilities? Sure, he does a bit of the old David Blaine card up the sleeve now and again, but he seems more content with making people permanent fixtures of their furniture; blowing some poor saps benefit money at a casino, or convincing the more hopeful of us plebeians that he can predict the lottery. There’s a joke in there somewhere, but I, now chemically bonded with my couch and owning a behind resembling a compressed airbag, I’ve lost my sense of humour. I liked it when you got one over on the casinos Derren, but not when you conned me into becoming a hardcore-C4-Steve Jones addict. I can’t even reach the damn remote! This leather is really starting to chafe.
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31
November, 2009
And Finally....... By Stuart Paterson and Fraser Pender Edinburgh University
Shit Hits Fan Simon Cowell will appear in Edinburgh Sheriff Court today, charged with the assault of an overly-enthusiastic fan. If found guilty, Mr Cowell could face up to two and a half hours in jail. However, fears that this may lead to the return of Graham Norton’s ‘Totally Saturday’ have sparked violent rioting.
Prince Not Fussed The Artist Formerly Known As Prince is allegedly indifferent. His refusal to comment has only served to fuel speculation. More worrying, sources close to the pop star claim he’s recently taken to shrugging his shoulders.
PHIL COLLINS BENEFITS SHAME Multi-millionaire music legend Phil Collins has been claiming incapacity benefits for the past 3 months following an injury to his back which means he will never drum again, The Sanctuary can reveal. Phil claims to have “done nothing wrong” and to need the money desperately: his extensive alimony commitments leave him with “only £4.32 for fuck’s sake” disposable income each month. Easy lover, Collins, allegedly injured his back trying to prove to Shirley Bassey that he was a better drummer than the Cadbury’s gorilla “or any other untalented bloody hairy bastard for that matter. Don’t print that”.
Rio’s Second Dope Allegation After the bizarre stage invasion at the 2009 MTV Awards, it seems Kanye West has completely lost the plot. Taylor Swift was merely the first of many pop princesses to suffer at the hands of the Hip-Hop sensation. Rumour has it that Britney is, thanks to Kanye, once again sporting a haircut similar to Phil Mitchell’s, whilst Miley Cyrus has reported her Hannah Montana costume to the police as “stolen”. Kanye has blamed his recent dangerously exuberant mood on an unlikely hero - England centre back Rio Ferdinand. West has recently described “Rio’s World Cup Wind Ups” as “fly and “dope” on ITV lunchtime culture show Loose Women. Kanye, how could you be so heartless?
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