The Survivor Project - A Publication. The Survivor Book for Butterflies Inspired by Angels

Crying for my babies when I was just using my maternal instincts. I had to suppress these feelings and it was mental torture. He’d make me feel guilty if I ever went to them and tried his very best to discourage me from breast feeding the baby. Even now I feel much of my maternal instincts have been trodden on and lost forever, it’s horrible and indescribable. I feel stone hearted and emotionless at times, whereas I never used to be. He’d usually want them in bed very soon after him coming to my home, if he’d been to work and I always felt pressured to “get rid, I don’t do brats”. Once, when the eldest baby was in her swinging chair, making a noise, he put her in the other room on her own, she cried and cried. It was like a child wasn’t even allowed to cry without being called a brat or being called an “attention seeker”.

I began self-medicating with alcohol. My parenting was never in question, it was just me I didn’t look after. I let the health visitor in and I just told her everything. Eventually I signed a section 20. I thought it wouldn’t be for ever. But now I realise it could have just been a couple of weeks. They were never neglected, but I wasn’t stable. I wasn’t looking after me.

They took the children and I was happy they were in a safe place. I just drank and drank and some weeks I didn’t see them.

He was in the background pulling my strings. They were adopted by a lovely couple. It wasn’t a long enough time to sort me out.

They wouldn’t let my family take them, making excuses why they couldn’t have them. At least then I could have seen them.

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