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Abuse, from page 15
us arguing. All I thought about was what was happening right then and there, and how I was feeling.” He remembered a class where the facilitators asked the participants whether they treated people fair. After giving it some thought, he realized that he didn’t. Fair would be treating them how he wanted to be treated himself. Instead, he said: “I treat people how I think they should be treated. To treat people fair is hard.” At first, Jasmine couldn’t understand why she had to go to the program either. “I was angry when I started coming. I was so angry,” she said. Her thinking was that “If he had never put his hands on me, this wouldn’t have happened.”
and kicking against him. “At first, I didn’t know what was going on,” Paul said. “So I grabbed her.” Paul’s described the event in an unemotional, flat tone of voice. He claims he didn’t hurt her, but whatever happened that night, it was frightening enough for Gloria to call the police, who strongly suggested to Paul that he leave the apartment, which he did. The next day Gloria filed a domestic-assault charge against him and took out a restraining order. “I’m not saying I didn’t do things along the way,” he says. “Since I’ve been in the program, I’ve learned some (abusive) behaviors that I had.” Learning to take responsibility for their actions is integral to the success of the Batter-
“Men often blame their intoxication for the abuse, or use it as an excuse to use violence. … [I]t is an excuse, not a cause. Taking away the alcohol does not stop the abuse.”
SAVE
T H E
DATE
6th Annual
SAT
July 24, 2010
SPONSORSHIPS AVAILABLE: Diva - $2,500+ • Goddess - $1,000 Queen - $500 • Princess - $250 • Chick/Rooster - $50 Make checks payable to Center for Violence Prevention or use your credit card at http://www.mscvp.org
May 20 - 26, 2010
To volunteer or donate money or items for the silent auction, please call 601.362.6121 ext. #16 or e-mail chickball@jacksonfreepress.com
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PROCEEDS WILL ESTABLISH A LEGAL FUND FOR ABUSE VICTIMS
Jasmine, 37, is living with her mother and working full time to find a new job. Her children live with their dad while she works to get her life back on track, but she sees them every day. “Now that I’m taking this class, I realize why I tolerated some of the things in these relationships I had,” she said. Slowly, she’s realizing how the events of her life have put her in the position she’s in. Jasmine was pleased and surprised to find out her class was all ladies, she said. An anger-management class she took after a previous arrest for domestic violence was mixed, men and women. “I would always be so uptight in that program,” Jasmine said. “Here, I feel free, free to express myself, because there are no men around. Men and women have a different point of view when it comes to domestic violence.”
Male Privilege
P
aul, 40, is nearing the end of the program, with about three weeks left. He and his wife, Gloria, had separated for nearly a year and were back together, trying to work things out without a lot of success. They were on the verge of calling it quits, sleeping in different rooms, not communicating. “We basically were living a separate life while living together,” he said. One night Gloria came into Paul’s room, waking him up. “I’m thinking that she wants to be intimate,” he said, and they began to kiss. Suddenly, she withdrew, starting what he called “a crazy outburst.” “I can’t trust you,” Gloria said, struggling
er’s Intervention Program, Middleton said. For abusers in mid-life or later, it’s especially difficult to change. “They have to believe in it,” she said. “They have to see it and believe that ‘this is going to work for me; this is going to be a positive change in my life.” Like all the participants in the program, Paul also discovered that domestic abuse wasn’t just about physical beatings, something he said he had never done. “I never physically grabbed her or beat her up,” he said. “There’s verbal (abuse), there’s mental (abuse),” he said, adding, “I had some control issues.” Paul tried to control his wife’s money, for example, giving her just enough to pay the bills and wanting to know where she spent every penny. His behavior is a classic symptom of abusive behavior, especially for sole breadwinners in a family. Economic abuse often goes beyond controlling how a partner spends money, but can also extend to preventing the partner from getting work, forcing her to beg for money and not letting her know about or have access to funds. Paul was in the U.S. Navy for years, where “most people had an aggressive tone,” he said. He and his wife probably spent more time apart than together during their 20 years of marriage. He would be at sea for months at a time, returning for a few weeks or a month before deploying once again, something that doubtless kept the marriage intact. While he was deployed, his wife ran the household and raised their three children. Trouble began when he got out of the military and tried to take the reins as head of the household. Where before time at home would almost be like a honeymoon, suddenly