When Grief Enters Our Lives

By Alice O'Brien, Churchview Psychotherapy, Millstreet

News reached us last week of the death of Queen Elizabeth. Let’s be honest, it was like our very posh neighbour, who only smiled at us occasionally and we didn’t really know had passed away, we might spare her a thought but we don’t feel a profound loss. But what happens when grief hits nearer to home, when the loss is within our intimate circle- it is fair to say that grief like this hits us harder.

Grief is something that is unique to everyone- we all feel and act differently when we are going through a grieving process. How we deal with grief can depend on our coping skills and emotional resilience as well as the significance of the loss. The pain of grief may stay with us for the remainder of our lives but it can become less severe over time.

Lauren Herschal has a great analogy for describing grief that goes like this:

Imagine your life as a closed box, your grief is a bouncing ball inside this box and the pain of grief is a button on the wall of the box.

Immediately after the loss, your bouncing ball is as big as your box, so every move you make causes the ball to hit the pain button, causing you to feel the loss even more. It may feel like your pain will never end as the huge ball lets no room for other things in your life.

As time passes however, the ball loses some of its air, it gets smaller. You have more room in your box for other emotions and experiences, you may even begin to enjoy life again- the ball is still there, the pain button is still there but they take up less space in your box. The ball may hit the button occasionally and take you by surpriseas grief does- and you will feel the loss again at unexpected times but you will learn to adapt to it.

Eventually you will begin to feel gratitude for what that person meant to you, for the role they played in your life- you will never forget them but you will heal and your hurt can be replaced with pleasant memories.