Volume 42 Issue 27 by The Communicator

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

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Vol. 42 Issue 27

The Communicator | April 18, 2012

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‘I Like Mike’

A Celebration of Wartell’s Achievements

A Future at IPFW

Not Out of the Picture for Chancellor

Though his chances of remaining chancellor of IPFW have evaporated, that doesn’t mean Michael Wartell will necessarily leave campus. According to a policy at Purdue University, which governs IPFW, the chancellor is required to retire from his position after he turns 65. Despite requests from the community and IPFW, as well as various bills introduced into Indiana state legislation, all attempts to keep Wartell as chancellor seem to have failed for good. Currently, the process for selecting the next chancellor of IPFW is still closed. However, the pool has been narrowed down to four candidates. There remains only 11 weeks before the new chancellor is instituted, but so far no names have been released. “Fort Wayne has been my home … my whole family loves Fort Wayne,” said Wartell. The home of the Wartells is well-visited and is the site of the Omnibus Lecture Series receptions as well as his wife Ruth’s Mary Kay business. “Something really good” would have to arise for him to want to leave the city, he said. Wartell was in the top two candidates to become president of the University of New Orleans. However, Peter Fos was selected instead. A position like that, at the head of another college, seems to be one of those “really good” jobs that would make Wartell want to uproot. In Fort Wayne, however, there are still opJessica Geyer

portunities. Just because Purdue has enforced a mandatory retirement doesn’t mean that Wartell has to retire. He has worked in the past with the military and currently serves on the U.S. Army Science Board. Another potential job exists right on campus. “I don’t have to leave the university … I can always teach,” said Wartell. He has a PhD in physical chemistry from Yale University, and he has taught that subject at several universities, including James Madison University. If he were to teach at IPFW, he said he could teach either chemistry or leadership classes. That might mean a significant pay cut. The chancellor currently makes over $230,000 a year. The average professor salary at IPFW is $82,900 while the highest paid chemistry professor made around $115,000 a year. Wartell’s last day as chancellor is June 30. He said he is unsure if he will be involved in the new chancellor’s transition. “Until we find out who the next chancellor is, I can’t say for sure,” said Wartell. He added that he doesn’t even know if the new university leader will want to talk to him. In addition a change in IPFW leadership, France Cordova, president of Purdue University, is also retiring due to the retirement policy. That adds another unknown factor into the equation. For now, the chancellor is conducting business as usual, including taking a trip to the Chengdu Panda Research Center in China. He still has a university to run, at least for now.

“Fort Wayne has been my home ... my whole family loves Fort Wayne.” - Chancellor Wartell

Last week, IPSGA and the student body honored IPFW’s chancellor with “I Like Mike” Week, a celebration of Michael Wartell’s achievement during his tenure at the university. During the week, student government and student housing passed out free t-shirts with Wartell’s face and the words “I Like Mike” as well as buttons. On Wednesday, April 11, an event in the science mall had speakers and words from Wartell, himself, as well as cake. “If you have a man or a woman who has done as much as he has done … it’s an insult to not do something like this,” said student body president Terel Lynn. He was among those who spoke at the event Wednesday afternoon. Lynn said that the best thing about Wartell is that he goes out into the university and the community to talk with people and make connections. He has even established friendships with communities in countries such as China and Taiwan, allowing both faculty and student exchanges between them. “He’s networking, that’s what I like about him,” Lynn said. The celebration was kept a secret from the chancellor until Saturday, April 7. When Wartell walked into part of the athletic services building, he was greeted by posters with his face on them. “I was just a complete shock,” said Wartell about the surprise. The fact that “I Like Mike” Week was organized by students, he added, was “flattering on its own.” “How can you not be thrilled about people saying they like you?” he said. Wartell has been at IPFW for 19 years. During that time, the university has grown significantly, with an increase in about 3,000 students, student housing on campus and Division I athletics. Wartell has personally been involved, as well, in building relationships with universities overseas. Many say that Wartell has left a legacy on campus. “It’s hard to miss that we have 40 more buildings on campus, it’s hard to miss that we have a lot more majors and a lot more students and a lot more land,” said Wartell about his achievements. However, he said he is most proud of the relationships people have formed on campus. At IPFW, he said, faculty, administrators and students get along considerably well. “I hope I’ve helped build that atmosphere … I love the interaction with students and faculty,” said Wartell. It is the elevated chance to interact with the community at IPFW and in Fort Wayne that Wartell said he will miss when he exits his position as chancellor June 30. Jessica Geyer

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Reflections from the

Courtroom I wasn’t driving drunk. I didn’t steal from a attorney, approached the stand. I stood right next store. It wasn’t even my fault. to them. I was an interpreter in the court—for the first The judge asked me to spell my name, so I did. time. She asked me to raise my right hand, so I did. She After passing through an airport-like security read out an oath, which roughly said “will you check, I looked around the artistic interior of faithfully interpret everything to the best of your the historical courthouse while waiting to meet ability?” And I replied “Yes.” the contact person from the interpreting agency. The Chinese attorney, a skinny man wearing a About half an hour later, the guy didn’t show up. I suit and tie, motioned to represent the defendant was getting nervous. in court. The stick and carrots of the I soon found out from the The judge guards that I was in the wrong society shape how we put these asked if he court—what a start. licensed categories into mental boxes. was I rushed to the correct to practice Perhaps it is time to think court, which, fortunately, was law in the just two blocks away. It was an state of outside the box. unimpressive building. I went Indiana. He through the security again and found the guy responded no; his license was from New York. The from the interpreting agency anxiously waiting. judge responded by saying that the court can only He explained briefly what I was supposed to do, legally recognize Indiana issued licenses. and then led me into the courtroom. I was still I was then given a document detailing the catching my breath. defendant’s rights. The judge told me to leave I saw 70 or so people sitting in the public the courtroom, interpret the document to the section. Five or six people were in the custody defendant and come back when we had finished. I chamber guarded by a court policeman. The did what I was told. judge—a middle-aged white woman—was seated The woman, the attorney and I sat down in a on an elevated bench with a laptop in front of her. small room by the hallway with the door open. The room was dead quiet. Every word in the five-page document was printed A few minutes later, the clerk called the name in capital letters as if capital letters carry more of a defendant—a Chinese woman. I knew it was importance. The document says pretty much the my time to work. same things you see in legal TV shows, only much The woman, accompanied by a Chinese longer. It stated things like: you have the right to

Alan Tse is an international student at IPFW. His column is to be international student-related. The opinions reflected are his own and do not necessarily reflect those of The Communicator. remain silent, to a speedy trial, to hire an attorney. … If you don’t have the money hire one, the court will assign you one. I did my best to translate the document into Chinese, sentence by sentence. She just kept nodding. I didn’t think she understood any English. After I finished, the attorney reiterated the more important points to her. After a small interlude, we went back to the courtroom. The judge called the defendant’s name again. The clerk read out the charge against her, pausing after each phrase to give me time to interpret. This was the most stressful part of the experience. The legal terms were hard to translate. I couldn’t risk screwing up. She was charged with prostitution. After making sure she understood the charge, the judge said she may choose to plead guilty, plead not guilty or hire an attorney. She intended to plead not guilty. She wanted the Chinese attorney standing next to her, not an Indiana attorney, to represent her. The Chinese attorney, with the permission from the judge, began to speak. He made a case about why he should be allowed to represent the defendant: He was experienced in handling misdemeanor cases; he spoke Chinese; he was trusted by the defendant because he has represented her family before. He made a motion to the judge that he may represent the defendant, Courtroom story continues on pg. 5 u

The Communicator | April 18, 2012

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Spring Career Fair Largest Ever on IPFW Campus All 8,325 square feet of The size of the career fair and the amount the new International of employers represented attracted not only Ballroom was packed with IPFW students, but Ivy Tech, Indiana Tech and employers for the community members seeking jobs, internships NICE Career Fair April 11. and careers. With 86 employees from throughout the area, Nathan Pratt was one of the students who was this career fair was not only the largest IPFW has came from outside of IPFW to attend. He is an seen, but the largest in Northeast Indiana. accounting major at Indiana Tech. Jim McAtee, director of Career Services, said “This is one I could go to because it was big that planning for these career fairs takes a long and IPFW offered it,” Pratt said. time: “Planning for fall begins before spring.” Because his school “only offers one or two” job Some employers commented on the new fairs a year, he took the opportunity to look into space. jobs and internships. “It’s much nicer,” said Kim Steere, representing Kourtnee Cole, an elementary education Allen County at the fair. major at IPFW, said that she was impressed by the The room was set up so that a walkway around amount of people at the career fair and lots of jobs. the outside of the room was bordered with booths. “For an education major, maybe not so many,” The path spiraled in to the center of the room. Cole added. Though those employers got less traffic than the Most employers at the career fair were others, there was still a crowd to move past. searching for technical applicants such as computer In addition to the International Ballroom, engineers, accountants or business majors for their Walb Ballroom was set up for employers to conduct positions. Other employers searched for students on-the-spot interviews. This is something McAtee in communication or even nursing. said he does at every career fair, but is rather new Overall, 532 people visited the career fair, to IPFW. including 328 IPFW students. The next most“Employers really liked that they had the attending student group was Ivy Tech, at 77 opportunity to do a screening interview on site,” students. he said. Jessica Geyer

Indiana Citizens Allowed to Resist Police

Going into effect this one’s home is one’s ‘castle,’ the Castle Doctrine is July, citizens will be a popular yet controversial law that allows for a “…justified in using person whose home is under attack to use force reasonable force against a public servant if the upon the attacker,” according to Total Criminal person reasonably believes the force is necessary Defense website. In his letter, Downs pleads on behalf of 14,000 to: protect the person or a third person from police officers and “innocent unlawful force…,” or entry victims” for the veto of SB 0001. into their home, according to The FOP is the world’s the Indiana General Assembly largest law enforcement website. organization. Almost a year ago, in Last month before taking Barnes v. State of Indiana, the medical leave, Chief of Indiana Supreme Court ruled University Police Jeffrey Davis that a person could not resist said he did not believe the unlawful entry into one’s home. bill would necessarily affect As a result, Senate Bill 0001 the campus, pointing out that was passed. In March, Tim Downs, Get more News and Politics via Twitter whenever entry is necessary into student housing, it’s President of the Indiana usually the result of a resident Fraternal Order of Police (FOP), assistant or resident reporting wrote a letter to Governor Mitch Daniels stating, “Senate Bill 0001, while purportedly reaffirming something. Captain Anthony J. Colone, Jr., who is now the common-law Castle Doctrine, threatens to filling in for Davis in his absence, declined to make it open season on police officers.” The common-law Castle Doctrine is “Based comment. on the English Common Law provision that Dennis Barbosa

@IPFW_NewsBeat

Hide Those Photos Some Employers Check Facebook Those pictures from last weekend’s party might ruin your chances for a job. At least that’s what Career Services will say about applying for a job. Employers will certainly check profiles on LinkedIn, which exists Jessica Geyer

as a professional networking site, but checking personal websites such as Facebook and Twitter cause more controversy. ►Continued online at ipfwcommunicator.org

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EDITORIAL POLICY Editorials are the opinion of The Communicator. The opinions expressed do not necessarily reflect the views of IPFW, its employees or its student body. A column is solely the opinion of its author. The Communicator welcomes responses. Letters to the Editor must be signed, dated and accompanied by a current address, telephone number and class standing/major or title (if applicable). Letters not meeting these requirements will not be considered for publication. All submissions made via e-mail will be verified by telephone or in person. Addresses and telephone numbers will not be published. Submissions must be typed and no more than 700 words. The editorial board of The Communicator reserves the right to edit all submissions for length, grammar, style, and clarity. Letters deemed potentially libelous by the editorial board will not be published under any circumstances.

The Communicator | April 18, 2012

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Power, Justice, Legality and Morality?

The judge’s power in the courtroom was obvious. When she spoke, others obeyed. The respect, fear and obedience paid to the judge are not to her per se, but to the state machine—an invisible gigantic “stick”—behind her. The invisible stick is essential for the wellfunctioning of society. Civilization depends on the ability of the stick to punish and deter defiance. Simply put, no one is going to pay taxes if tax evaders aren’t punished, and the government would soon collapse. All regimes, democratic or totalitarian alike, rely on such a stick. But justice requires the power of the stick to be balanced by the “carrots,” as manifested in the rights of an individual when confronting with the state. The document I read to the woman was part of the carrots. The strict adherence to legal procedures is another part. Recall, for instance, how the attorney licensed in New York wasn’t allowed to practice in Indiana unless a certain formal procedure had been filed. Procedural justice includes the respect of individual’s rights and the adherence to formal procedures. Procedural justice is good by all means. Nice democratic countries take it for granted. The fact that even authoritarian regimes recognize it on paper attests to the wide moral appeal of procedural justice. It gives legitimacy to a legal system. But justice, in its broader sense, goes beyond sticking to legal procedures. Rather, it lies on the tricky overlap between morality and legality. Take sex as an example. Many Conservatives say only heterosexual sex within marriage is morally legitimate; many Liberals say consenting adults are free to do what they want. No doubt, people have different moral opinion. The law, which concerns legality more than morality, stands somewhere between the liberalconservative ideological spectrum. Sex between consenting adults is legal in most cases. Well, not if one is doing it for money—that’s called prostitution. “That’s a Class A misdemeanor,” the law book says. “That’s distasteful and wrong,” conservatives might add. “But what about marriage,” feminists would contest. When a husband is always expected to be a breadwinner and a wife a housekeeper, isn’t marriage just an institutionalized form of prostitution? Isn’t a young woman aspiring to marry a wealthy man somewhat akin to a prostitute seeking a long-term client? Isn’t it what our patriarchal society tells, and forces, women to do? It’s not just about sex, marriage, or feminism. The fuzzy interplay amongst power, justice, legality and morality—all essential basis of civilizations— is everywhere. Reconsider the following categories: good husband vs. “john;” war hero vs. serial killer; Wall Street banker vs. petty theft; police vs. gang member, etc. The stick and carrots of the society shape how we put these categories into mental boxes. Perhaps it is time to think outside the box.

opinion

Finally, Omnibus Does it Right at 100th Lecture IPFW held its 100th Omnibus Lecture this past Thursday, hosting the political comedy troupe Capitol Steps in the Auer Performance Hall. The university revealed that the group would be performing for the 100th lecture only in the last few days of March, and The Capitol Steps is the only lecturer/entertainer to be showcased more than once in the Omnibus series, having performed for the university in 2004. The show, which lasted about two hours, drew a full crowd, prompting the use of a recital hall as overflow where patrons were able to watch a live recording. According to Chancellor Michael Wartell in his opening speech, The Capitol Steps was “possibly the most popular” Omnibus the university has seen, which factored highly in the decision to bring them back for this special lecture. Junior Tanya Valdizon attended the performance having already seen The Capitol Steps as a child. While her memories of that event are fuzzy, her feelings about Thursday’s event were clear. “It was pretty funny, and cool that IPFW could get the group to return. I also liked seeing a lot of the city’s community there. I recognized plenty of people and it was just a nice community event,” said Valdizon. The university’s choice to bring The Capitol Steps back was a good idea. Both students and community members could equally enjoy the humor that touched on certain glaring political highlights as well as more current events. Staff Editorial

C ARE ER

Courtroom  continued from pg. 3 citing a certain rule that presumably allowed him to practice law across state boundaries. The judge said he can’t make that motion orally because there is a formal procedure. The woman was scheduled to come back in two weeks with an attorney. We were dismissed, and the 15 minute hearing ended.

The troupe also managed to mock political figures on both sides of the aisle, reaching out to the entire audience and eliciting non-stop laughter throughout the performance. Unlike other lecturers for the series, The Capitol Steps didn’t meet with a class of students before their performance or have a question and answer session afterward, letting a great opportunity to get in touch with the students go to waste; however, the university still deserves recognition for bringing a group to campus that was able to get to students in a more relatable way than many of the previous lecturers in the series. Choosing a stuffy political figure to come speak with the campus so close to the 2012 elections would have been dull in comparison.

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skOpEd

CORNER

Rachel Landis

Job Searching in a Tight Economy Not only are job applications more structured and selective through online databases, they are also being posted during a tight economy. Therefore, a job search is like a job. In order to have a step up in the game, be a part of the hidden job market. So … what is the hidden job market? It is part of the beginning of the interview process, where employers ask their first network of connections for leads on applicants. In order to connect, you need to expand your network and be on

the inside of this process. This can be accomplished many ways. You can set up a profile on LinkedIn, attend networking events such as a Young Leaders of Northeast Indiana, Hot Spot, increase your marketability with experience, inform your network you are job searching, send letters of inquiry to employers you are interested in, attend the IPFW Fall Job Fair Sept. 20, check JobZone on a daily basis, meet with a Career Counselor to practice interviewing, refine your resume, and write a cover letter to set you apart.

Set goals [Who can help reach them? ow can I get to know those people? How can I help make them successful?] and plant who you will target.

Know what you want. Employers want confident applicants that know what their values, skills and interests are.

Research companies. What are their goals, missions, strategic plans?

Keep track of your activities and progress.

Stay positive and be polite to receptionists/clerical staﬀ. They have a hand in your application.

Always follow up.

Arts&Entertainme Music Movies

C2 E2

Theater

A Sea of Comic Fans National pop culture convention, Chicago Comic and Entertainment Expo (C2E2), undulated as a sea of costumed superheroes amongst comic legends and TV stars for a third year this last weekend. Comic fans were seen dressed up as their favorite characters, from tediously-detailed zombies to cleavage-revealing Harley Quinn’s. Costume contests were hosted at the end of Friday and Saturday. “Cosplay is the one opportunity outside of like theater to be anyone that you want,” said one costumed fan to the Chicago Tribune. C2E2 is a three day event.

Cult Classic Creator

Creator of cult classics as Johnny The Homicidal Maniac comic and Invader Zim cartoon, Jhonen Vasquez answered questions at a Q&A session about everything except what he was actually working on at the moment. Vasquez answered questions pertaining to The Hunger Games, John Carter, cosplaying his characters, even working with John Kricfalusi, the creator of Ren and Stimpy— which he said he wouldn’t—but as to current projects, nothing. Afterwards, Vasquez declined to be

Dennis Barbosa

Roman Celebrates 20

Much like Vasquez, Roman Dirg following for his comic series Lenor Lenore is a dark-humored comic loosely based off of Edgar Allen Poe’ 2012 marks its 20th anniversary. The Los Angeles Times has des unholy union between Tim Burton a Titan comics will be releasing f for 2012. Dirge wrote for Vasquez’s Inva plans to have Lenore translated into Comic writer and novelist phe will be the excutive producer of Len Dirge said he had not found a di mind. “There’s nothing official yet. W find out about the money part … Rig expensive suits figuring out the final However, Dirge did say he wou Scheep, director of Metalocalypse, to

Watchment and Wal Shut Ou

Saturday, C2E2 hosted an all ac DC Comics’ prequel release Before W Before Watchmen is “…the most

Handful of Stude Tickets to

Paint spewed through air. Breakfast cereal shot into the crowd. Plastic pipes hammered as drums. By three bald men were painted blue. Earlier this April, TRIO Student Support Services (TRIO) offered students using TRIO services free tickets to see the Blue Man Group. A handful of students will be attending the Blue Man Group event at the Embassy Theatre this Wednesday, April 18. Blue Man Group is an international hit which performs popular music, utilizing PVC piping and various other Photo by Dennis Barbosa

interviewed. He said he was only doing autog convention and that, “…there’s noth very definite. It’s mostly just anima right now.

instruments, as well as incorporating c TRIO is a federally funded program service to post-secondary students requirements. Tickets start out at $30 but can run According to the department of edu of SSS is to increase the college retentio its participants.” Ed.gov also states, “The [TRIO] provide … exposure to cultural events not usually available.”

ent

graphs for the rest of the hing comic-related that’s ation…” he’s working on

0 Years of Lenore

ge has accumulated a cult re. c about a living dead girl, e’s poem. . scribed Lenore as, “…An and Dr. Seuss.” four new Lenore comics

ader Zim show and has an animated movie. enomenon Neil Gaiman nore. irector yet but had one in

We have to wait until we ght now it’s gentlemen in l details,” said Dirge. uld prefer his friend Jon o fill the position.

lking Dead Fans ut

ccess panel discussion to Watchmen. t talked about comic book

The Communicator | April 18, 2012

Do you want to see series of 2012,” according to C2E2 programs. The room was filled to legal capacity before all the fans could enter. Nearly a hundred fans were left outside as the doors shut. The Walking Dead’s Steve Yeun, who plays Glen, was the spotlight of the Q&A session. One fan stood in disbelief as she waited in line with little hope to get in. She said last year there were hardly any people at The Walking Dead panel. Based on the comic, The Walking Dead is a television series on AMC going into its third season. Set in a post-apocalyptic world, a group of survivors band together to stay alive in land of zombies.

Shia LaBeouf Appears Out of Nowhere Amongst the big name celebrities at C2E2 were John Cusack, Val Kilmer, Tom Morello, Chris Hardwick and John Barrowman. But that’s not where Shia LaBeouf would have been found. He wasn’t even supposed to be there, as a matter of fact. “…We literally bought plane tickets last night and arranged this booth yesterday on a whim," said Karolyn Pho, LaBeouf ’s girlfriend, on Friday to the Chicago Tribune. LaBeouf sat among over 400 hundred comic artists in the showroom’s artist alley.

n up to $60. ucation website, “The goal on and graduation rates of

] SSS projects may also s and academic programs

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ents Take Free TRIO o Blue Man Group

comedy and multimedia. m which is a complimentary s who meet eligibility

6-7

Despite tickets being offered free of charge, only 10 of 140 TRIO students will be attending the Blue Man event. “I think that maybe some students didn’t get the message,” said Buck Jordan, TRIO academic coordinator at IPFW. “I know as a student I didn’t always check my email.” TRIO networks through, email, Facebook, Twitter and blackboard. In order to qualify for TRIO services a student must be first generation, low-income or disabled. “Some students may not have had the time,” said Jordan.

TO-dO LIsT Miss C2E2 but want a little more sci-fi in your life? The "SciFi Superheroes and All Things Fantastical" concert at IPFW will feature selections from Star Wars, LoTR and Superman, among others. A costume contest will be held as well. Thursday @ Auer Performance Hall. Free for IPFW students. Go check out The Dead Records and Oneliner, formerly Gutshot, at O'Sullivans April 21. Show starts at 10 p.m. The 7th Annual Save Maumee Earth Day is April 22 from 11-4 p.m. Meeting at Niagra Dr. and N. Anthony Blvd., there will be tree planting, removal of garbage and installing erosion control mats. The Grateful Groove is on board.

$ Indicates pricing $ 5-10 $$ 10-20 Photo courtesy of Blue Man Group

The Communicator | April 18, 2012

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the nugget WARNING!

YES, ALL OF THIS IS FAKE. CʼMON. FAKE, FAKE, FAKE, FAKE, FAKE. THERE ARENʼT TROLLS ON CAMPUS OR HIPPIE COMMUNES IN OUR WOODS. DUH.

IRS Files First Interterrestrial Lawsuit The IRS filed suit to the InterTerrestrial Criminal Court (ITCC) against E.T. Anikundinovkdy, an alien from Saturn, for failing to file tax return more than 20 years. This was the first inter-terrestrial tax dispute ever handled by ITCC. Anikundinovkdy could face up to a $100,000 fine and a 10 year sentence if the tax evasion charge is convicted. Anikundinovkdy, a green three-eye hermaphrodite alien, is a universally known Biologist specialized in the study of Homo sapiens. It has been conducting field research on earth since the last ice age. It claimed it filed its tax return every year. The center of the legal dispute is on the definition of “year.” Federal law requires all aliens who have lived on earth to file tax returns by April 15 every year, but the law does not specify what a “year” means. A Saturn year, for example, equals approximately 29.7 Earth years, whereas a Mercury year is only 88 earth days. “I am a law-abiding citizen of the solar system,” said Anikundinovkdy, who spoke through a translator during a phone interview. “I don’t understand why Homo sapiens make such a big deal out of tax money. They invented printers. They can print as much of these little green papers anytime they want.” Anikundinovkdy said it never needed to pay taxes on earth until “very recently.” The IRS spokesperson, Allen Smith, declined to comment on specific cases. The IRS policy “does Alan Tse

not discriminate the planet of origin” of taxpayers, Smith said, “The Constitution states that tax and death are inalienable obligations of all individuals, aliens and non-aliens alike.” Currently, IRS does not permit aliens to file their taxes online due to technical difficulty. Aliens have no choice but to rely on the unreliable interterrestrial postal service. Ailen Wakalamurakalem, a black female tri-pedal alien from Venus, said she has never received refund checks from IRS in the past 25 years. “The checks probably ended up in a random galaxy,” she suggested, “Maybe IRS never received my tax forms.” According the IRS website, IRS is planning to upgrade its computer system by 2015 “to maximize the efficiency to tax across beyond the planet earth.” The upgraded system would allow aliens to file tax return through the internet. Wakalamurakalem was skeptical about the benefit of filing tax online. “In Venus we stopped using internet a long time ago, like back in the silicon age,” she said, “I don’t know of any planets other than earth that still uses such an ancient technology. Even the Martians switched to something better.” Although Anikundinovkdy was “very disappointed” about being sued by the IRS, it did not regret coming to earth. “I love Homo sapiens. They are funny animals,” Anikundinovkdy said, “They put on funny things to cover their bodies, and they scream if they see other Homo sapiens taking the things off.” It said “I will just hire a tax accountant next year.”

Read more of The Nugget on our website: ipfwcommunicator.org

The MusTards

Dandelions in Full Bloom, Wishes Being Granted in Abundance Speckling every visible patch of grass throughout Indiana, it seems dandelions have come back for the estimated 84 millionth time this spring, despite most pessimistic homeowners working tirelessly each year, banding together to rid the world of the wish-granters. “I don’t want to buy my child a pony because this stupid weed got her hopes up,” said one disgruntled father. “We have 17 puppies. People think we’re hoarders. It’s entirely out of hand.” “I like puppies,” his daughter said. There have already been 700 granted wishes reported just throughout Northeast Indiana, and another 3,000 are expected before the weed killer settles into the fresh stems. Among wishes granted are rekindled romances, wealth, beer and naptime. Most notably, however, one IPFW resident received a 4.0 GPA weeks prior to his classes ending. “The only thing that sucks is I have to live in student housing for another three weeks,” he said. “My parents would kill me if they knew I blew all those little seeds all over the grounds.” Big box stores such as Meijer and Walmart have reported sales of weed killer rising steadily since the nice weather the state saw in early March. “We went from zero sales from November through February to hundreds,” said a representative. “I can’t think of any reason other than dandelions.” The dandelions have their own defense system in place, however, and they have been placing violently yellow ones near seeded ones ready for wishes, presumably in hopes of attracting wishful children away from their parents. “I like yellow,” said one third-grader, as she smeared the dandelion on her cheeks in some sort of a makeup ritual. Kristan Mensch

Wanted to write an ad: I’ve never done this before,

and I’m curious as to who would be reading it. Do I sound dumb? Am I over my word limit yet? Hahaha, this is awesome, it’s like a really delayed text message.

Wanted: Weed killer. I’ve gone to all the typical home

improvement sections of many stores in the area, but can’t ﬁnd any. Will pay top dollar. I am also open to sharing a bottle if necessary, but I can’t handle more puppies.

Dandelion Seeking Child: I’m fun to be around and will help make all your dreams come true if you can keep your parents from killing me. Plus I’m yellow. Who doesn’t like yellow? :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

The Communicator | April 18, 2012

www.ipfwcommunicator.org

the nugget

Local Parent Finally Learns Meaning of “Oh Snap”

Oh snap! The oncepopular slang term has now fallen out of favor amongst the youth in America. But among the older citizens, particularly those with college-aged children, the word has only just caught on. Partrica Hettleson, 47, is a bakery shop manager and mother of two children. She was searching for funny videos of cats when she came across a video that used the passé phrase. “It was called ‘Oh Snap Cat Fight,’” Hettleson recalls, giggling fondly at the memory. “There were two cute, little, orange kitties fighting underneath a Christmas tree.” Hettleson had heard her oldest daughter Rita say “oh snap” before, but the cat fight really made it click. “It can mean so many things,” said Hettleson. “Oh no you didn’t, wow, oh my goodness. I can’t believe I never picked it up before.” Now Hettleson “oh snaps” just about everything, especially with respect to her daughter’s social life. “I told my mom that my ex-boyfriend Jason started dating my best friend Rebecca and she was all like, ‘oh snap,’” said Rita in a mocking tone. “I mean, I wanted some motherly advice, but Jessica Geyer

at least she couldn’t talk like a loser,” she added. Hettleson’s son, David, told reporters that his mother’s behavior is embarrassing, but it’s not the first time she’s done something like this. “Before ‘oh snap,’ it was ‘totes,’” said David. “‘You should totes wake up for school,’ ‘this lunch is totes delicious.’ She even got all of her old, weird friends saying it.” Hettleson’s best friend, Margie Rogers has a different opinion. “Patty’s a trendsetter,” said Rogers. “There’s no one in our group of friends that gets the kids like she does. If it wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t even know who Adele is.” “I’m not going to say that it makes me seem younger, but there was definitely a 20-something at the bar last night that was hitting on me,” said Hettleson. “I guess that makes me a MILF.” “What does MILF mean again?” she added later. For now, Hettleson and her friends can be found wearing clothes from Forever 21 and dancing wildly to songs on the radio while singing their lyrics incorrectly. “To keep in the know, it’s really a way of life,” said Hettleson.

Wartell Mask Used in Bank Robbery The swag given out at “I Like Mike” Week seemed to have been harmless, but one of the masks bearing chancellor Michael Wartell’s face was used in a robbery at Chickahoo Bank Monday morning. According to police reports, the robber came into the bank holding the mask over his face by the attached popsicle stick. He asked for over $100,000 in loans for the construction of a new bridge. “I didn’t think it was very unusual,” said bank teller Midge Carey. “It looked like the chancellor, and the real Wartell does have quite the fondness for building bridges.” The thief was able to get away with the crime by using the chancellor’s previously-stolen bank information. Police are unsure of how the account number was attained. The police are urging anyone with information to step forward. “It’s clear we’re dealing with someone who knows a great deal about the administration,” said police spokesperson Rally Gervis. “Let’s hope he doesn’t get a McKinney mask and ask for iPads.” Jessica Geyer

Study: Studies Often Quoted in Newspaper A recent study released Jessica Geyer by the International Scientific Board of Studies (ITSBS) claims that newspapers are quoting studies at levels higher than ever before. The study indicated the average American newspaper quoted a study in an article six times per week. Articles about studies were slightly less frequent, appearing twice a week. “These numbers are quite shocking,” said lead ITSBS researcher Wanda Nowhut. “It appears that,

when pressed for news, journalists turn toward the fields of science to attain news stories.” Even more shocking was the fact that many of the studies quoted in newspapers lacked the depth of explanation of the actual studies. “There are readers who will read these articles and then they’ll come out even less informed than before,” said Nowhut. The Nugget will stay on this breathtaking study and report any subsequent studies.

Female seeking male to hold purse while shopping. Must be able to look embarrassed and shuffle feet outside of Victoria’s Secret. Will buy you a pretzel afterwards. Bassist wanted for folk/jazz/indie band. You don’t need to know how to play, but you’ll have to take the blame for our lack of success and gigs. Hipster appearance a must, but don’t be obvious about it. Buying small saddles. Must be small enough to put on human babies. I am starting an infant rodeo and need the equipment on the cheap.

The Mustards

Searching for girl at Walmart who was working last Saturday. I asked you about cream for my butt rash. I thought you looked interested.

Comic by Ryan Nooe

The Communicator | April 18, 2012

www.ipfwcommunicator.org

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The Communicator | April 18, 2012

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sports

IU Finishes 3rd at CWPA Western Division Championships

IDSNews Staff Reports The IU women’s water polo team topped Maryland in a third-place game Sunday at the Collegiate Water Polo Association Western Division Championships. The Terrapins were the top seed in the tournament but allowed two fourth-period goals, which would lead to an eventual 7-6 upset by the second-seeded Hoosiers. Only Michigan and Hartwick placed above IU. Sophomore Shae Fournier led IU in the scoring department, tallying four goals, including the game-winner at the 4:06 mark in the final quarter. Those goals added to her already recordsetting goal-scoring year as she continues to break

the single season scoring record — she currently sits at 89. Freshman Colleen McNaught, sophomore Meghan Lappan and senior Hanna Eimstad each tallied a goal in the Indiana victory. Senior goalkeeper Cassie Wyckoff had her second straight 11-save game. After Maryland notched a goal on its first possession, Fournier connected on two goals to give Indiana a 2-1 edge. The Terrapins eventually knotted things up at two, but the Hoosiers responded with two goals of their own. Maryland then scored the game’s next three goals, two of which came near the beginning of the third quarter.

Maryland would add another goal in the third quarter, but the final period belonged to IU. The Hoosiers held the Terrapins scoreless and tallied the eventual game-winning goal off a Fournier strike with just more than four minutes to play. “We came up with some timely goals in the fourth quarter, and our defense really stayed strong when it mattered most,” said IU Coach Barry King in an interview with IU athletics. “Maryland is a very talented squad, and that’s a quality win to build on as we prepare for the Easterns.” IU will be back in action in Providence, R.I., from April 27-29, where they seek to repeat as CWPA Eastern Champions.

TheTennis IPFW's Men's Men’s a W da o men’the team started offnon s teseason a s both5-2toover hlow tomDetroit omnote, e victfalling ok orthe iesweekend. at their gamtook es! a IPFW's Women's Tennis team 7-0 fall to No. 20 Notre Dame in the 2012 season opener.

Singles 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6.

Roberto Cabrini (IPFW) def. Nick Volz (IUPUI) 6-1, 6-3 Daniel Kang (IPFW) def. Ivan Mojsejev (IUPUI) 2-6, 6-4, 6-4 Andres Cobos (IPFW) def. Chase Emerson (IUPUI) 7-5, 6-3 Deon Shafer (IUPUI) def. Connor Andrews (IPFW) 6-4, 6-4 Joao Freitas (IPFW) def. Joel Modesitt (IUPUI) 3-6, 6-1, 7-6 (7-2) Louis Sacks (IUPUI) def. Martin Muadi (IPFW) 4-6, 6-2, 6-1

Doubles 1. 2. 3.

Patrick OʼNeill/Luke Bielawski (IUPUI) def. Roberto Cabrini/Connor Andrews (IPFW) 8-6 Joao Freitas/Daniel Kang (IPFW) def. Nick Volz/ Joel Modesitt (IUPUI) 8-3 Junya Saruta/Andres Cobos (IPFW) def. Deon Shafer/Chase Emerson (IUPUI) 8-3

Singles 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6.

Anita Henestrosa (IPFW) def. Karyn Emeralda (CSUW) 6-3, 6-4 Raquel Vescovi (IPFW) def. RosalinaTejoprayitno (CSUW) 7-6 (7-3), 4-6, 10-5 Rosalia Tejoprayitno (CSUW) def. Marcy Huck (IPFW) 7-5, 6-2 Caterina Kiefer (IPFW) def. Ruta Grinvalde (CSUW) 6-2, 4-6, 10-8 Frederique Sunstrum (IPFW) def. Mysta Townsell (CSUW) 6-1, 6-0 Alex Forsyth (IPFW) def. Mia Townsell (CSUW) 6-0, 6-0

Doubles 1. 2. 3.

Rosalia Tejoprayitno/RosalinaTejoprayitno (CSUW) def. Marcy Huck/Caterina Kiefer (IPFW) 8-6 Anita Henestrosa/Alex Forsyth (IPFW) def. Ruta Grinvalde/Karyn Emeralda (CSUW) 8-6 Frederique Sunstrum/Raquel Vescovi (IPFW) def. Mysta Townsell/Mia Townsell (CSUW) 8-1

The Communicator | April 18, 2012

www.ipfwcommunicator.org

sports

April 19. • Baseball vs. Southern Utah @ Cedar City, Utah. • 5 p.m. April 20. • Baseball vs. Southern Utah (DH) @ Cedar City, Utah. • 2 p.m. April 20. • Softball vs. Western Illinois (DH) @ Macomb, Ill. • 4 p.m. April 20. • Men’s Volleyball vs. Loyola @ Chicago, Ill. • 8 p.m. April 20, 21. •Women’s Track and Field Dave Rankin Invitational @ West Lafayette, Ind. April 21. • Softball vs. Western Illinois @ Macomb, Ill. • 1:00 p.m. April 21. • Baseball vs. Southern Utah @ Cedar City, Utah • 3 p.m. April 21. • Women’s Soccer vs. Bowling Green @ Bowling Green, Ohio.•TBA

Little 500 Coach Helps Riders Develop Racing Strategy

Photo by IDSNews

By Nathan Brown, Indiana Daily Student

As Bill Naas’ three young boys flip through a book titled “101 Cool Science Experiments” and pick out a way to entertain themselves for the afternoon, Naas isn’t worried. He’s received reassurances that his curious trio of young scientists isn’t attempting to construct a bomb. He knows that with a little guidance from him, his children can follow directions to their simple goal: imploding a Diet Coke can by boiling water in its interior. Naas is their coach. About 60 miles away inside the towering brick house on Third and Hawthorne in Bloomington live the Kappa Kappa Gamma cyclists who also call Naas their coach. After two years of racing in the IU Little 500 for Sigma Alpha Epsilon in the mid-1990s, Naas had run the fastest qualifications lap in Little 500 history, yet he left without a championship to his name. After bitter disappointment from his racing days, Naas reluctantly dove into coaching his future wife’s KKG team. He has produced five championship teams since 1996 but none since 2006. Even with the men’s single-lap qualifications record, along with six total titles as a coach, Naas continues to seek more success in the realm of the Little 500, and he hopes his experiences as a racer — both triumphs and hardships — will take his riders to the checkered flag April 21. *** After Naas’ bike slid out from underneath him in turn three during SAE’s first attempt to qualify for the 1995 Little 500, Naas refused to slow down. After tossing his shattered helmet and borrowing one from a Dodd’s House rider, Naas got back on the bike for the team’s second attempt, riding as both the first and last leg for his teammates.

Even after the crash, which was one more mishap my God, do I go?’” Naas said as his eyes widened. putting the team’s entry into the race in jeopardy, “I wanted to go, but I didn’t know if that was stupid. Naas flew across the finish line for a 31.3-second I remember going by the pit saying, ‘What do you last lap — good enough to put SAE on the outside want me to do?’” of row one for race day. Instead of breaking away, Naas sat up and let It wasn’t until race day that Naas — as he, his the others reel him back in. brother Jeff and their other teammates strolled “I was the fastest bike on the track, and so this around the track in the third position, bike in is where not understanding racing at the time, for tow — learned of his accomplishments during his the lack of a better word, screwed us because you qualifications run. As he was introduced, the words might be the fastest sprinter, but ultimately you “...and the men’s single lap qualifications record don’t want to have to sprint to win the race,” Naas holder, Bill Naas...” reverberated throughout Bill said. Armstrong Stadium. A surprised Naas looked at That year, Naas and his teammates would have Jeff, smiled, then refocused on the task at hand. to settle for third place and wonder what help an Although the record was an honor, Naas could experienced coach could have brought them. only focus on hoisting the Borg-Warner replica ► IDSNews.com trophy after a Little 500 victory, which he hoped was just a few hours away. But even his new record couldn’t prepare Naas for what the race had in store for him that April day. After a Sigma Chi rider flew off his bike and rolled down the cinder track, Naas found himself in first place than Most Schools with enough energy to distance himself from EVENING TUTORIAL CLASSES the defending champion TUESDAYS & THURSDAYS • 6:30-7:45 and the rest of the pack. Without a coach that day, though, Naas had no clue what to do. “I remember www. .com thinking to myself, ‘Oh

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