SEX
Wh at’ s T h e D eal W i th G r i nd r F l akes? A conversation with that guy who disappeared By Bobby Box
My name is Bobby Box and I am a Grindr flake. I’m not active on the apps right now, but let me tell you, when I was on the digital meat market I was flakier than a stale croissant.
MAY / JUNE 2020
I exhibited my worst behaviour when I first moved to Toronto roughly two years ago. As every Grindr user knows, when you’re visiting or new to an area, you’re a shiny new toy that all the boys want to play with. This rush of attention is addictive, and I was more than happy to chat and send a few suggestive photos. In most cases, this was the furthest I would go.
“I think the main reason I flake is fear. But it’s not about them, it’s about me and my insecurities.” Fear is also what keeps Baker, 27, flaking. “I would consider myself a new gay, and not very experienced,” he says. “This is intimidating when hooking up on Grindr because most guys are very experienced.” Baker’s other reasons are more selfish in nature, citing distance (he will not hook up with somebody more than 20 minutes away) and “circumstances” for flaking. “Chatting up a complete stranger can be exciting and fun when ‘needs’ need to be met because it’s a way to get off,” he says. “Once that need has passed, I normally don’t feel like hooking up with whoever I’m chatting with.”
I wanted to go further, but my insecurities always prevented me. Do my images accurately capture my appearance? Is my apartment clean enough? Do I suck at sex? Am I going to have to deliver on “Sometimes I’m just not horny,” says Mike, 28. “I try not to do this the filthy things I texted? anymore but there have been many times where I’ll plan a hookup These are some of the many thoughts that raced through my days in advance and if that day comes around and I’m not horny, I mind after agreeing to a hookup. The noise from these thoughts – will cancel that plan. If I’m not in the mood to fuck or get fucked, combined with the sexual preparation, making sure my apartment I’m not going to go through with it.” was in order, and the nervousness that comes with meeting someone When this happens, Mike will generally say something like “Hey, new – would always outweigh my desires. I’m not in much of a mood to have sex tonight, but if you want Anthony, 28, has only had the courage to meet with three men to hang or grab a drink I’d be down.” He is often turned down because his insecurities make him feel unworthy of sexual attention. because the person is just looking for sex. “I often think: why would a guy like that want me? He’s perfect and I’m not even close to that or to anything that he wants,” he says.
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