The ‘Better Offer’ Years THEY’LL HANG OUT WITH YOU IF THERE’S NOTHING ELSE TO DO
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arenting experts often refer to a child’s developmental stages by clever names such as the no-no years, the terrible twos, the knowit-all stage, the tween years and the hormones-in-Nikes years. I’ve got another one to add: the Better Offer Years. This is the stage when you and your teenagers have settled into a nice relationship. They’ve stepped up in maturity and responsibility. There’s not as much nagging and yelling. You have intelligent and entertaining conversations together. And the biggie: They’re not embarrassed to be seen with you. They think it’s awesome that their friends think you’re kinda cool. Seems great, right? Something to look forward to, even. But here’s the thing about the Better Offer Years: Your kids are happy to spend time with you—if they don’t have a better offer. And they almost always have a better offer when they have a car, money to take off on their own and friends to do it with. I’m going to admit it: It stings a little. That’s because you’ll be cruising along, settling into this wonderful feeling that your kids are maturing into people who enjoy spending time with you. You’re delightfully surprised when you invite them to
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go to lunch, or get your toes done together, or see a movie, and they say yes. It starts to happen more frequently, and you dare to think it isn’t an anomaly—your teenagers might actually think you’re pretty great! So you start making plans that would normally include one of your friends, but since you’ve been having such a nice time together, you decide to invite one of your kids instead. You get excited thinking about the two of you together. You imagine the fun you’ll have, the great conversation, the relationship you’re cementing. Then you get a response that’s a cold bucket of water on your sizzling excitement: “Ummm, OK, but let me just check to see what Jack’s up to.”
Translation: I guess I’ll hang out with my mom if I don’t have a better offer. That’s when you realize you hung out together all those times because their friends were busy. It’s still a lopsided relationship. You want to play with them way more than they want to play with you. You’re forced to admit that they’re just not that into you. But you loved those times when they didn’t have a better offer. And you think they did, too (ignoring the fact that it’s probably because you usually pay for everything). So instead of letting the sting of disappointment keep you from putting yourself out there again for fear of being hurt, you keep asking if they want to do stuff together. Because you look forward
to the times that you are the better offer, you don’t take it personally that your children’s friends, freedom and independence are everything to them. Sure, you’re growing closer to the Friendship Years, when both of you will look forward to doing things together. Don’t be fooled: You’re not there yet. But during the Better Offer Years, it sure is nice to have a day when they can’t say no to you. We’re going to have so much fun on Mother’s Day! Kelli Wheeler is an author, family columnist and freelance writer. For weekly Momservations or to contact her, go to Momservations.com. n