CHECK OUT 10 OF THE BEST HACKS FOR LESS CONFLICTS & HAPPY RELATIONSHIPS ESE MAGEGE ER PA & MBA FOUNDER, HEALTH COACH, EMERGENCY ROOM PA, & MBA Ese Magege ER PA & MBA is a seasoned Health Professional with over 12 years of Blended Health Care experience. She holds 2 Bachelors', an MBA, and several professional board certifications. She is a graduate of the Sophie Davis School of Biomedicine, City College in 2009 where she undertook her physician assistant studies. She has been practicing as a PA for over a decade in multiple specialties of medicine. Her practice areas include internal medicine, family medicine, cardiology, Critical care, pulmonary, and Emergency Medicine. She currently practices in the Department of Emergency Medicine at NYU. She believes in an integrative approach to healing. One that explores emotional, mental, and physical health- the totality of being. Ese developed a passion for helping people make healthy choices because early identification and modification of unhealthy behaviors/ lifestyle can decrease the prevalence of the disease. This belief led her to further advanced studies and recently completed her integrative health studies at Duke integrative medicine. After this, she founded the Alchemical Center of Change (ACC) wellness center in New York City with a mission to transform lives and create a positive impact on society. She is also the founder and chief executive of Touching Hearts Foundation USA- a non for profit organization devoted to the alleviation of human pain and suffering by providing food, disaster relief, and education. She has been speaker and presenter at various professional conferences within the United States and internationally in her homeland Nigeria, on mindful practices. Her latest research and presentation titled: “ Food on the Endocrine glands” explored mindful eating. Her book “Happiness for no reason” will be released this winter. https://www.alchemicalcenter.com/ Alchemical - Center Of Change Al Chemical Center alchemicalcenterofchange
64 INFLUENTIAL DOCTORS MAGAZINE
Copyright Ese Magege THE “Ouch” TECHNIQUE Just like most things, conflicts amongst spouse have patterns which can be changed once the patterns have been identified and broken.
Saying “ouch” initiates a break or gap between the triggered emotion and the typical reaction. The introduction of this break or gap brings awareness to your internal world (the condition inside of you). Is like turning on a light in a
The challenge then becomes identifying where
dark room. Awareness has been known for
to initiate the break in the pattern once it has
centuries to be the first step in resolving any
been recognized.
challenge in life. Saying “ouch” also lets your
By pattern, I mean certain words, thoughts,
spouse know that you have been hurt which
emotions and actions tend to trigger our
could cause a change in his or her action.
body’s natural “fight or flight” response or put
Knowing your argument style can save you lots
us in a “defensive mood” or “attack mood”.
of time and energy wasted in conflicts & in-
This is so because the brain has processed
tense arguments. John Gottman Ph.D., a world
these triggers as threats and naturally the
-renowned marriage researcher theorized that
body will defend itself by either fighting back
there are 3 types of conflict styles in relation-
or fleeing.
ships; avoidance, validating, and volatile. Let’s
Most things that cause us pain will more than
look at a typical untrained response to con-
likely be processed by the brain as threats.
flict. Joel says something to Cynthia that
Conflicts can cause pain and once the door
makes her angry. In response to her anger,
has been opened, it can easily get out of hand,
she lashes out at Joel who in turn lashes back.
if there are no systems in place to manage
It becomes an endless cycle of “lashing out”
conflict.
between the couples unless the pattern is recognized and broken.
One of my favorite conflict management systems is the “ouch” technique. I learned this
The question that arises here is this; are we
technique from Rev. Olsen. It is a two-step
reacting to the words or actions of our
process. In the first step, you say “ouch” out
spouse? Or is it the emotion that is triggered
loud when your spouse or loved one says
in us that we are reacting to? Conflicts are an
something that causes you pain or discomfort.
emotional reaction to what has been per-
The key is to say “ouch” immediately you feel
ceived. When we become aware of our angry
the pain or any uncomfortable emotion and
emotions in this way, it loses its grasp on us.
then in the second step, you explore the emo-
We cease to be victims of our own emotions.
tion; when was the first time I felt this emo-
In conclusion, the Ouch technique is a useful
tion? How do I typically respond to this emotion? Where did I learn to respond this way? Is it serving me? Do I want to change it?
method in resolving conflicts amongst spouses
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because it does not only introduce a break in
the argument cycle, it brings awareness to the
