Hyderabad Travel & Tours

When biwi becomes Florence Foster Jenkins

Dear Auntyji

Some time back, I vaguely recall reading a question posed by a man whose wife used to sing along to songs while they were driving in the car. I don’t recall what your answer was, so I am hoping you can enlighten me, as lately, my wife sings loudly to all songs she hears in the car. If she was an Asha Bhosle, then I would not complain, but she sings the same way most of us do - out of tune, mangling words and with the same pitch as a billi being chased with a gushing garden hose. What suggestions do you have for me? I am scared to say anything, in case she yells at me.

Auntyji Says

Clearly, for a chuha like you, you need to join the billi brigade. If you are too much of a chhipkalee and can’t say boo to your wife without pasina all over your mukhda, then you have no choice but to align yourself with wifey. So the next time you are in the car and she starts singing, then you too, should immediately join in and sing at the top of your phati hua awaaz. And for good measure, exaggerate your singing abilities. Pretend you are Mohammed Rafi after sucking in a dozen helium balloons. Mangle the words until the verses mean nothing. If your wife complains, you must act hurt and say that because she was singing, you felt compelled to join in. If she insists that only she can sing, then you must stand your ground and say that for every two songs she sings, you should be allowed to sing one. Ultimately, your wife will get the message. She will stop singing in the car. If she doesn’t, then secretly record her on your iPhone and play it back to her. Tell her she sounds so melodious and that all your friends must hear this. Tell her she will need to go on Australia Indian Idol. Hopefully, if she has some sense and a little bit of sharam, she will get the message.