reatest • I

A new campaign encourages Australians of all backgrounds to enlist as organ donors

t any one time, more than 1500 Austral ians are on official transplam ,vai ting lists, hoping they'll be one of the lucky ones to receive an organ transplant before i e's coo late.

Dr Gopal Taoci, an intens ive care specialist originally from Maharashtra but practising in A u stralia for t he past ten years and currently wo r king for the Monash Health Network, is a pass ionate advocate for organ d onation

"I see both sides of the scory," Dr Taori says. "I see tl1ose with organ failure who are on a long waiting list, patients dying while waiting. On the other hand, I see families who are going through a difficul t time, w ith a potenti,1cl lack of knowledge abo u t organ donation. I feel it is imp ortant to help facilitate organ and tissue donation, to help people better understand the process."

Dr Taori says the most common questions about organ donation come from grief-stricken family members who want co e n sure their loved ones are n ot harmed and do not experience an y suffering. " T he organ donation process usually ta kes place after a catastrophic eve n t or accident, and everything occu rs in a short time. People need co know we are crying t o keep the patient alive as our first priority, but after death, t heir organs can help so m eone e lse."

Dr T aori says families in a state of shock often use re ligion as an excuse, with o rgan donation the last thing on their minds. But each person who d onates their o rgans can save up co ten lives

Hindus believe that the ph rsical bod y is mortal and perishab le, while the so ul is immortal and imperishable. Dr Taori, a follower of Hinduism, does not see any conAict between religion and organ donation

" There is a culture of fear and misunderstanding around the organ donation process," he says. "When it is explained ro people, eithe r in a hospital environment or the community, people are exceptionally receptive ro the in formation."

President of d1e Hindu Council of Australia N ih al Agar confirms organ and tissue donation is compatib le wid1 religion "The Hindu texts do not provide specific guidance or direction 011 this matter, " h e says. ''There is no moral or ethical dilemma for Hindus wishing to donate their organs."

"Support for organ donation is inferred in man y of di e texts and in Hi n du mythology where there is support for organ donation for the beuefi t of otl1ers," Professor Agar continued. "We can say then, from a Hindu perspective, organ donation is a spiritually advantageous deed provided the decision is made with th e kn owledge and agreement of the donor."

CEO of d1e Organ and T issue A u thority (OTA) Yael Cass said the authori ty recognises faith is an important aspect o f how people live t heir lives and make important li fe dec is ions. "The OTA understands the significant roles chat faitb can play for many people," she said. " In reaching out co the major religious leaders t hrough d1e Doflate Life the greatest gift campaign , we have gained a mutual understanding about organ and tiss u e donation and forged cl o se partners hips "

Dr Taori encourages everyone to talk more openly with their family members and friends about organ donation "There are concerns, especially froin members o f tbe Indian co mmunity, about di e process. People want to make sme there isn't some 'black market', tha t t h eir lm7 ed one's organs go co the rig ht person," he says. "Th ey're u sed to the Indian healthcare system, often a corrupted process, so they have m isgivi ngs, bur here in Australia organ and tissue donation is highly regulated."

When asked if he has had tl1e conversation with his own family, Dr Taori replies, "My whole family are listed as organ donors I wouldn't get into chis if I didn't believe in it myself."

Kira Spucys-Tahar

'I

• ,r

BY ' MOHAN DH ALL

Iam si tting with a group of men and women. We are talidng about various things, including relationships, when I ask a question that leads co silence:

" Does an ybod y here kn ow a man who is depressed or has been depressed?"

A young man eventuaUy speaks up. He says, "Darren* tried to commit suicide". I knew Darren. He was my son's friend They went to univers ity togethe r, but Darren wanted to escape his father.

For over a year he stayed in his room o n campus, playing on.line games and drinking himself to a stupor most nights. His father was not quite me role mode.I he sought, and in finding himself, he lost himself.

1 am dri~,iog w ith m y girlfriend who lives in a country rown. She says as we drive ," and very sadly he re is where a young man died. H is car hit that tree." We a re silent fo r a moment. SmaU towns have a habit of bringing sad news ro too many people who internalise i:heir pain.

"I do nor chink he l ost control. He may have driven i n to the tree on purpose," 1 reply We drive on.

A week later I send her Aowers bur they do not arrive on ti.me. In the evening, r get a call saying chat i:he delay was on account of i:he Aower deliverer supporting her son. His best friend was i:he young man who died le was, she told my g irlfriend , a suicide.

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

This is the 'lucky countr y' The land of plenty The seco nd highest on i:he Human Development l1.1dex as measured by the U n ited Nations.

But this is also w here m ore young men per head of population commit suicide than anyw here else

I wo nder why we have a culture of self-destruction as evidenced in part by binge drinking and l reflect on what men talk about when they are together ft coJJJes again, i//adve fient and 1111cxpected. Iike a fag whisperi11g cold, )'Otl feel t1 smse of distancefro111

)'Oursc!f. F urther)'OU fall, behind_)'Our 91es, knoJl)i11g hen)'Ottr 011fyjriend is vttl11erahili!J Your voice becomes q11iete1; the Jl)or/d 1-ecede,; evrrythi11g "' this ti1Ne 1:011 hmtyo11 Yott feel lik.eyott are dro11mi11g.

1"1!11 became ettgu!Jed in a 1vave of dmkness and)'(}// noticeJ'Ollr limbs are hea1!J and it is hard to /1/alk. If;1/hen )'OIi do w"lk it MkBs effort. You walk closer to the buildings, (!)'CS dou111cast, seeing e11e1ything and everyo11e fro111 the knees do]/)11. In this state )'Ott see111 1111reachahle. Unk110111able.

I t is sometimesJitnt!) to )'OIi that in this space people becor11e kinde1; 11101-e gentle. Yo11 k1101v thl!)' do 11ot k1101vJ'Otl and ca11110t sense the depth of the water pressing down onyou. You kno/11 thq do not k110/JI how to reachJ'OII, _)'ei somehou1 thq co111e p f?ysical!J slight()' closer.

You //l(tit in this spacefor /llben )'Oft have heen berf before) '011 kno/11 it willp"ss - it '"'!Y be half " dqy, aJew dtfys or longer. You do 110/ k11ow 111bat makes it l[ft, hut lik.e the sun on afaggy moming, the thickness ef the dmk11ess lightens You s11dden!J ruili.reJ'O II can 1/lafk ,1101 e stt10oth!Y. Tt i,r like)'Otl 1/lere trying to m11 in the surf, b11t 011/y f/O}II the 111ater is be/01vy o11r waist do )'OU feel fi-eer Yo11 do not tlvoid /{I/king andyour 91es can see faces. The relief is palpable. The shore is 11cm: )"1)11 celebrateyour rise fro111 darkness 1vith too much enthusiasm - not q11ite a ma11ic high, hutfar 1nore mc,-gy a11d h11111011r than )'Oft had on!J "fe111 botrrs ago.

Yo11 look hack 011 the lost d'!Js

[V'o11de,- whe,-e)'OIi 1vmt. 117011der 1vben the darkness will press down ony o11 again, slowing_J'Otlr breathing cmd d11/li11gJ'OUr smses 1-f.1/"onder wl!)\ and al.ro wo11de1ing where it is)'Off go, and wbetheryo11 can be in a place 1vbere yo11r inner self is uot

I am tal king with a father He i s cr ying. His marriage has fail ed and he is confused and lost

Unable ro acknowledge either, he is angry. Desp ite the myths, men feel intensely - but they are not parented to have the words to e11.-press their feeli ngs.

Indeed, men are, in the words of many women, meant to 'man up'.

Vuln erability, anxiety, feeling ove rwh elmed or afraid - where do these things Jit in? This fad1er tells me that he does nor know what to expect. For a taU, strong man he looks ve ry wounded, Jost and weak. The antid1esis of the

O lympic medal he won I bate not he1i1g ma11b1 I kno111 that mostfy f Ctltl cope, h11t SOtlletimes f jllSt 111a11t to he held and to hmvi "!J' ryes out because Tfeel so alone. Thave been so respo11sihle far so long, avd all J want to do is letgo

Arthur* has his arm over b is head as be leans on rhe table. He looks like he is in a lot of pain. He told me that he has clinical depression_ - an unusual admissio n. 1 notice that when he finaU y straightens up he is trying to catch his breath and he has placed h is right a.rm protectively across his chest.

1 know that he feels open and vul nerable and wishes be could manage. 1 am u n sure of my role, but also know that it has to be a safe enough environment for h im not to feel judged.

Arthur has been th.rough a lot recen tly - unable to get work despite his talenr, a r e lationship breakup, a sick mother. He teUs me some things th at mrn out not to be true. lr does not matter. He is m y friend and l will not judge him His lies, h owever, are unbuckling his friendships. His vulnerability, .it seems, Clfren s tems from jealousy. He gets angry when anyone says anythi ng fa vourable abo ut another male - he feels Like he is not good enou gh

If a female friend of his says another man is ' nice' he pa nics and either suggesL5 she intends to s leep with him , or finds a weakness in the man he fee ls threatened b y His frie nd s say it is hard to support him because they do nor want to agree with him, but at the same time, i:he threats feel real to him

In dus way, his behaviour and his depression coalesce and even his friends say he brings it on himself. I am not so sure l\l[y brother c"lls me, still de/11sio11al. He tells 111e he is BodhisatvtJ co111e to save the 1vorld. He tells 1ne he does 110!

Jl)ear leather hecr1t1se the cmi111"fs feel pain too I ask hi111 b01v be is. H e sqys be hates to sleep because th91are co111i11g to get him and he 111ust he vigilat1t He St!JS his {/flkles bm-t since bej1111ped fro111 the bnage. Tj onb• be 'ti died thv 1

Jl)Ollld have felt sony for not k110111i1~g biflJ He sq)'s the drngs help to ease the pain at1d J1Jl!J is everyone out to get him? He asks 111e when I will see him next because the hospital 111il/ let hi111 out and 111e can get a coffee the11. IV'e can have more than om coffee in 11110 hours.

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

I am wi th d i e lads - our annual meal ro celebrate the year I know that we will discuss the football, t he season gone. I also kn ow tl1at Albert* will talk about his recent trip away and the 'beautiful bird' he met. Later he will talk about his wife and children and hmv much he loves her.

A.noi:her in the gro up will n o t talk about his wife because they are estranged and he feels isolated in his own hom e Of co urse, men do not articuL·ne the language of iso lation o r estrangement. So he will simpl y say, "Yep - it's aU good " And then go on to discuss everything except his personal life.

After llf)I 111aniage hroke up I called the helpline l 1vas despemle and tl!o11e. I sought co11,fort. It was a very bard decision to 111akB to call the 1111111/m:

A man mwvered the pho11e. J said J felt isol,tled and alone. The comm/for asked 1vi?J, l told hi111 ahout the distance henveev me and Ill)' chi/d,w H ow Ill) jimmr 1J1ife had movedfftttber aJIJtl)' and hon Tt11i.rsed hei11g.f11l!J involved in the lives of ll!)' sons. The counsellor stmted to give adi·ice. A ll I bad W{lllted was e111patl!J'· In total exa.speralio11 I realised that I 11"1.r better able to co11mef myself than the 'trai11ed' co1111selior. ' IIVhat hope is thereJo,· t11e11with depnssion 111ho can11ot identijj, theirfeelings,' l thought as T b1111g up He's back, this mate. Down from the country. It will be a huge weekend. He and two od1e rs will start the day with beer and progress tl1rough two packets of cigarettes as we laugh our way through the past six months discussing work, relationships, investment, and observations of die world

It will be fun and the muuber of empties will suggest a wild time '.Vith many people I will join from time co time, u nab le to keep up with the drinking o r to get invo lv ed in the smoking, but able to contribute to the conv ersation.

After a couple o f days, he will go back co the rnral area where he live s Left behind are impressions of a man still running away fro m himself A man at risk and who, when q ue stioned, talks about feeling like nothing fits He sounds em pty and lost A man who will drink to the point of s ickness every weekend, but who will not seek professional help.

Mates h ip d oes not make a difference here. Indeed, if anything it exacerbates the issues because h is mates drink with him and do not talk about feelings that che)' cannot name. His mates laugh abo u t where he passed our or bow sick he was.

I don't kno/lf ho111 Tfelt. l 1JJanted to proJJide eve,ythi11gfor fl(J fa111i!)1 so I famsed 011 "D' /lfork. IIYhen l feel th1y h,111e 1vht1t they f!eed then l k110111

"!Y sense of duty is //Jell placed Rut "D' /011g hours have my wife stmggling with the children She i.r distant a!ld distmstf11L 117hen l go h0111e

I fac'lfs on the kids Our lives are centred Ofl them, /m t looking t1head l do not kno//1 /lfhat will happrm when thiy leave 11s 117ho will we be together? We are a!t-eatf)• being alone togethe,:

I wonder w h at hope there is fo r our sons whe n men are raised to distance tbeiuselves from feelings.

Society's messages are confused.

I ask some wom e n what the word ' sook ' means. One smiles and says it is used as a term of endearmen t to denote a m a n who is o pen with h is feelings

Anothe r gees aHgi-y and says that m e n s hou ld not be open wi th h ow they feel because stren gth is evidenced b y silence and stoic ism

A third says she wishes her husband was a 'sook' - a capaci ty to .read feelings for her is 'the id eal man' A fourth says that her partner will cr y watching movies but i s never so expressive with her or their sons And s he notices chat tbe boys will wrestle or bit each other - but never hug.

Jarryd Hayne cried whe n the I SW Blues beat Queensla n d for tl1e fi rst tim e in eight yea rs le is comm on for m e n to justify or talk away their feelings at such times, and to later apologise, as if tl1e expr ession of emotions is w rong. l\,Ceo have been heard ro say 'it was an emotional ti.me'. The term 'emotional' does n ot acruaUy unpack t hei r true feelings. Depression begins when m e n become estranged from themselv es and when there are m ixe d messages about w h o tl1ey should be.

When men brave ly face the reality of deatl1, without hiding behind tinted lenses, their openness sets a b rave example for mher s. Jvli cbael Clarke's recent fronti.og of the media co openly disclose bow devastated he was at the loss of his mace Phil Hughes was a courageous example of such openness

Big boys don't cry, man up, toughen up, be strong, don't be a girl, don't be a wuss

The term ' bromance' has been coined to describe a loving close brotherly relationship b etween men. lt is heartening that some men are starrin g to become more open with tl1eir feelings

The group Men's Shed has been created to provide m en w ith an avenue to connect with o n e anot her so that they do not feel isolated

During major transitions, such as marital break- up, grief o r loss of a job, men ca n feel like th eir idea of self h as become disrupted and, not having tl1e skills to cope, may find life over whelming and feel isolated and alone

For men with few close friends or whose identity is vested in famil y, the sense of iso lation, loneliness and depression d1at accompan y life changes can be extrem ely confronting and can lead to despair and a feeling of sinking far ben eath the surface

1 dreaded emry Ja1111a1y 1\1} mate.r were a111t1)\ work 1uas closed down, 111)' hqy.r were iuith their 11111111. The streets we,·e qitiet, the dq;•s hot a11d long A ll l did far hmm //las seek oldfiimds on the internet a11d try a 11d cope l})ifb the isolation

It is very impor tant that men and women learn to id entify feelings and support die exp ression of feelings su ch as anxiety, iso lation, depression, lost, unknown, unreachable, drowning, and t h e like Wh ils t these types of feelings are challenging, the loss of six men eac h day through suicide i s far more confrontin g

* oc their real names

•

IMPORTANT CONTACTS FOR MEN WHO NEED SUPPORT

MenslineAustralia is a professional telephone and online support and information service for Australian men: 1300 78 99 78

Lifeline 24hr crisis telephone line: 13 1114

Men's Shed www.mensshed org/home/ .aspx Black Dog Institute www.blackdoginstitute.org au/ Dads in Di stress Support Services www.dadsin distress.asn.au/

Diwali events may have wrapped up, but the party season is still in full swing

He y there, party animals! Here's some good news for you.

E ve n jf your Diwali parties are ov er for the year, the party season is still going Spring R,,lCing, wedding parties, Christmas, New Year's Eve, the list goes on till the e nd of the year!

Even if y ou are not a party person, or stress about dressing up because you don't feel confident about what co wear, worry not. Here are some par ty sty ling tips and tr icks that will not only ensure yo u look stunning but also are waUet fr iendly!

Dresses

Thinking abom a party outfit inev itably conjures images of pretty dresses and bling. LBD lovers , you are in luck! The little b lack dress continues to s tay trendy and all you need to stand our is a quirky accessory or two. This season update your wardrobe with a black dress that has a fabulous cut and fit with decadent textures, like lace o r jacquard. A b lack and white block dress will be a fabLtlous and trendy choice too. Check out Cue or Sussan for some wonderful, affo rdable choices

Bohemian and tribal prints are tota11y in and I suggest you check tbem out and take a tin y risk by flaunting one of these co your next event instead of a predictable b lock, jewel -tone dress. The risk will pay off, I can teU you! ASOS, Bohemian Traders and Leona Edmi ston are just some of m y suggestions

Separates

Coordinated separates are a big deal r ight now. They are hones tly va lue for money p ieces because you can work the illusion of one p iece when worn cogether or pair them with other tops and bottoms to get more outfits from just two p ieces. The rule is to keep tl1e accessories really sin1p le and neutral to avoid too much of a clash.

Accessories

Accessories trul y make or break an outfit! If you are looking for waller- friendly choices, and already have a few fabulous dresses in your wardrobe, then b y all means just invest in some accessories to refresh that little black dress Tr y mixed metals like silver and

Irose gold cuffs witb a b lack and white dress or add a tribal-inspired statement necklace wit h your LBD. Dainty pendants with chains or pretty crystal ones can be perfect to wear with prints so your look stays balanced and not OTI! You can even add some quitk b y carrying a floral or printed clutch with a p lain dress. C heck out the Myer ouline party themes for some fun ideas.

The 'deta ils'

Okay, you've worked out the fabulous omfir and accessories perfectl y and are looking forward to being tl1e ' queen of tl1e party scene', but here's an important point not to be missed - have yo u thought abo ur what's g o ing underneath? This is where I must emphasise the importance of s hapewear. When you are fabulously dressed, the last thing you want is odd ltm1ps and bumps showing through and making you go al1 awkward. ]\fake sure you p ick some great quality shapewear and trial it before you purchase to be doub ly sure!

Makeup

This one's a nn btainer! Tf you need a quick fix, follow m y five min ute makeup routine. All you will need is some concealer, iHuminator / BB or CC c ream, some mineral powder, eyeliner, mascara and a touch of g loss AIi set to go!

One important hint - o verdoing makeup can acmally make yo u look o lder so go easy on the base, eye shadow and bold lippie.

If you are going to the races ot have an office ce lebration, b y all means grab a fanc y fascinator. You will get brownie points for staying within the dress code, but adding a touch of indiv idual style!

Shoes

Another e lement of your outfit that must n o t be compromised for cosr!

A fabulous pair of heels that not just look good, but feel equall y wonderful to trot in all day, are hjgh ly recommended. Your feet will thank you after the par ty is finished, chat's for sure

If you p ick a great neutral or metallic pair, the y're sure to stay in style for a long ti.me and you will get m o re wear out of tl1em

Tis the season to be indulgent!

Christm as is all about spending ti.me with friends a nd famil y, e njoying food cogetber, and taking a break from wor k and school. These legen-dair y recipes "\Vill wow the coughest critics and sho uld e n su re you 'll spend more ri m e with those you love and less rime wor king in the kitch e n thi s festive seaso n.

Com b ining vers acile Australi an dairy product s and se asonal produce, th ese reci pes have taken the deliciousness o f trad itio n al C hri sm1 as fare a nd added a fresh Auss ie t wist co celebratory fa vourites

Basil Ricotta Tartlets With Smoked Trout

Makes 16

Preparation time: 15 minutes

Cooking time: 10-12 minutes

I ngredi ents

1 sheet butter puff pastry, semi-thawed

1 60g fresh ricotta

1 tbsp shredded fresh basil, p lus extra small leaves to serve

1 tsp finely grated lemon r ind

1 -2 tbsps milk

160g mixed coloured cherry tomatoes, t h inly sliced

2 tbsp olive oil

¼ cup baby capers, drained (optional)

½ whole smoked trout, skin and bones discarded, flesh flaked

Blue Cheese With Salted

Florentine Bark

Serves 10

Preparation time: 15 minutes

Cooking time: 20 minutes+ cooling time

Ingredients

40g Austra l ian butter

2 tsp brown sugar

2tsp honey

40g plain flour

2 tbsp pine nuts

¼ cup chopped walnuts

¼ cup flaked almonds

2 tbsp pepitas

2 tbsp raisins, roughly chopped

2 sprigs thyme, leaves picked

1 tsp sea salt flakes, for sprinkling

300g wedge of blue cheese, for serving

Method

Bring butter, sugar and honey to the boil in