THE BOATS

PM: Not even my treasurer can do that. How can you do that for me?

Sultan: By stopping the boats.

PM: Our Opposition has been saying this three-word slogan for months. But they are not sure now. By the way, our intelligence tells us you are the one sending the boats out.

Sultan: True. That’s why I can stop them. You can tweet to your hordes of followers that your tough stand did the trick, and win their votes.

PM: Brilliant, Sultan. But what’s in it for you?

Sultan: It’s simple. Every boat I send out makes me a million but costs you hundreds of millions. So for every boat I stop sending, you pay me two million. Imagine the savings. VIP jaws drop in unison. Buttons on calculators are tapped furiously. No word exchanged for a few minutes.

PM: Sultan, two million a boat a day, is a bit too much!

Sultan: Think of the savings I am making for you. Now that we choose all the immigrants, you can abolish the Immigration Department. Customs too, since these arrivals bring in their own customs. Look at the ones we send – well-fed and in designer clothes. They won’t be a burden. Quite affluent. They pay 10K per head for such a short journey in a leaky boat, almost the price for a world cruise in a luxury liner.

PM: Yes but two million … Foreign Affairs Minister: Look, we have PNG to help us. We are scouring new islands too.

Sultan: Listen Sir, PNG stands for ‘Problem Never Goes’. Look at the work we do for you. We provide valuable training for your navy chaps calling them over here every other day. That’s the only exercise they get to do. Without that they may get into their old games, sexual harassment.

The Navy Chief in a very low tone: Mr PM Sir, let me give you a couple of bullet points for bargaining.

PM: I can do with cannon-size points. What have you got?

Navy Chief: Tell him we will undercut his business. We now go almost 10km close to their shore. We can pick up his cargo right from the port at half the price. We can even provide aid to build that port to world class standard. The journey will be risk free. We’ll take out full page ads in the papers there.

PM: Brilliant. Any other points?

Navy Chief: Our defence budget is severely cut. This discount offer will bring in millions. We can also pick the brains of the boat crew that will become idle.

PM: In what way?

Navy Chief: Many of their boats start sinking within minutes of setting off. Our Collins class subs can’t dive. We can ask their technical know-how to make our subs ‘hole in’ class.

PM: Excellent suggestions.

PM to Sultan: You there, Sultan? OK then. Two million bucks a boat.

Everybody cheers to a done deal. The applause goes on and on… and on.

The PM wakes to see he is in the midst of an election rally, having dozed off as a result of extreme exhaustion.

Sultan Dhow Dinghy… was but a dream.