Feeling good

Self-respect and self-esteem are commendable qualities to possess, except when they become obsessions

By SAROJA SRINIVASAN

In a recent article in the Sydney Morning Herald, Hugh Mackay, social commentator says, “Every part of our society has become infected with the virus of self-promotion, obsessed with recognition. In the name of encouraging one to ‘feel good’ about ourselves, as a society we seem to have gone a bit too far”.

We see adults clamoring to be photographed with celebrities, children are rewarded for even the smallest of efforts made, and certificates and praise are lavished for almost everything. Unless this is done with a sense of moderation, all it does is to build a bloated sense of self-worth that fuels egotism.

Gone are the days when verbal praise and acknowledgements were the reward, instead of material things or public accolades. The incidents of edification have reached such enormous proportions that it has become a source of embarrassment. In an era where feeling unique and special is encouraged almost constantly, be it fashion or the owning of rare material possessions, the constant war-cry of being ‘special’ is often taken to the extreme.

An illustration of this extreme marketing of one’s uniqueness can be seen even in sports. In an effort to encourage individuals, the team’s contribution that is intrinsic in the success of the individual, is relegated to the back seat. It seems we have developed an almost unquenchable need for recognition and the belief that public reward would somehow encourage better and more successful efforts.

What this does is create a false expectation that not only is one unique, but one has the right to be seen as unique and be endorsed by others. The fact is that each of us is unique and special by virtue of just what we are – humans endowed with special faculties that make us stand apart from other species. Within our own species, each individual has a very singular DNA that makes us unique. This also bestows on us the capacity to think, act constructively and conduct our lives as a community, not just as individuals or tribes of animals. Somehow, we seem to have moved away from the fact that we are inter-connected and inter-dependent.

So, why are we descending further into this vortex of selfgratification? Is it a sense of intrinsic insecurity? Why do we post selfies on Facebook and metweets on Twitter? Perhaps this self-grandstanding gives a sense of control in an increasing world that seems beyond one’s control. The truth is that no one is any more superior or inferior to any one else. As the saying goes, ‘What you win on the swings, you lose on the roundabout’.

On the other hand, we have individuals who are so self-critical, that they discount their own self-worth. They are reluctant to speak up even when they have something worthwhile to say, they take the back seat always, and sometimes become too dejected and discouraged at the smallest disappointment, instead blaming themselves. Often they also descend into self-pity. Sadly, these negative emotions only destroy their confidence further.

A common lament is that many are too concerned about ‘what others might say’. In traditional cultures, one often hears the phrase, ‘What would other people say?’ When we look into the origin of this phrase, it seems it came about to illustrate the idea that in the final analysis, what matters is how one’s life is evaluated posthumously when those left behind would be able to say, ‘there goes a great person’. This is falsely understood to mean that we should somehow bow to other people’s opinions, discounting our own ideas. While this concern about the views of others does produce some cohesion in norms being maintained in social interactions, it also stifles individuality to a certain extent. It would seem that it requires a fine balance to maintain a sense of self-worth, while still being aware of maintaining cohesion within the family/society.

The idea of an intrinsic sense of self-worth that results from the pursuit of basic values such as kindness, thoughtfulness, generosity and compassion in everyday life seems alien to many. It is the response from our fellow-beings when we practice good values that validate our selfworth. Self-esteem and self-worth are both intrinsic, and cannot be sought externally. A sense of satisfaction in behaving in a ‘human’ way is something that is within the experience of everyone. Generous giving, be it of our time, money or help brings with it its own reward.

Hugh Mackay’s summation best illustrates this: “Self-respect is a very private concept, easily overlooked in the noisy contest to construct and promote an ‘image’. It is a thing we earn by the way we handle disappointment, tedium and loss, as well as those fleeting moments of happiness. There is no shortcut, and no amount of self-promotion will get us there”.

It seems we have developed an almost unquenchable need for recognition and the belief that public reward would somehow encourage better and more successful efforts

The idea of an intrinsic sense of self-worth that results from the pursuit of basic values such as kindness, thoughtfulness, generosity and compassion in everyday life seems alien to many