Ask Auntyji

Dear Auntyji

I was hoping for your insight. I am somewhat perplexed by a recent turn of events and I needed your sage counsel, as you are so old, so wise, so sagacious. My work colleague, a contractor who was in our large division for two and a half years recently resigned and left. She was one of those friendly people who was always smiling, always the first to say hello and was always amusing us with her insights and nuggets of information. She left without a fuss. not a goodbye. not a parting word. And not even a backward glance. Granted, our division is 65% contractors, but still I would have thought that after all that time, she would have sent a goodbye note to all. I am disappointed that she did not say goodbye, Aunty, and each day that I think of her, I wonder what kind of a cold-hearted person she was that she didn’t see the need to say goodbye. I feel like tracking her down on LinkedIn and Facebook, and asking how she could just leave us like that. what are your thoughts on this?

Auntyji says

Just listen to yourself – what kind of a person, a nasamaj, na akl are you? now let’s dissect the information you have provided. you say she worked with you for two and a half years. how is it that in that time, you did not take the time to learn that she had resigned? Granted, if you were her close friend, she would have said something. But if you were one of those people who is always thinking of themselves and rarely focus on the other person (and it appears to be this way), then you would have definitely missed the signs that she had resigned. Ask yourself, when was the last time you had a chat with this lady to ask her what she was doing, whether she was unhappy, or was she thinking of leaving, or whether her role was keeping her satisfied. If you had known these things, you would have known of her leaving as well. It seems to me that you are the type of person who is always happy to take from others – so you were happy when she was always smiling and talking, but it would appear that you never took the time to get to know this person better. Just because she was friendly to everyone, does not mean that you were friends. So, this person left quietly – with no reason for fanfare because she did not have any real friends in the place. you were all acquaintances. now to the most important lesson – did you make every encounter with her meaningful, where she felt you were really interested in knowing her? I doubt it – which is why she left – in a zen state of mind. the problem was not with her, my dear ignorant little bulbul, it’s with you. If this lady had been hit by a bus and had died, would you have felt the same way? Probably not, because you would have seen it as a sudden departure. So if you were not going to be upset if she had suddenly died, then you have no reason to be upset because she left without saying goodbye. So in future, perhaps instead of looking at someone’s smiling face and only seeing the superficial, perhaps you should take the time to listen to someone, to understand them better, to know them at a deeper level. So when they depart – through choice or otherwise – at least you will have the knowledge to say that you knew this person, and were close to them. As for this person, don’t bother tracking her down – if you were important to her, she would have befriended you on Facebook. But she has left you with a lasting gift – of knowing that your interaction with her was at a superficial level, and if you want someone to say goodbye to you when they leave, you need to learn to be a friend. And not just an acquaintance who laughs of witticism and shares vague stories about what happened on the weekend. Samaj me aye baat?

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Dear Auntyji

My wife and I have recently bought a lovely house, and we have hit an interior decorating conundrum. I want to decorate our home with items from our heritage, which is mainly Indian. I also love Islamic art, but I feel that when I place Islamic antiquities in my home, I will somehow be appropriating artefacts from a culture or heritage which is not quite mine to take. I feel the same way about gora people who take ancient Indian artefacts and place it in their homes - with no connection to the land or its people. this also applies, in my opinion, to ancient european works and Asian items also. Do you think I am being insular in my thinking, and perhaps I should open my mind? Or do you feel that I am on the right path here? Please tell me your thoughts - I’d love to hear them.

Heritage hype

Auntyji says hmm, you have posed an interesting conundrum, and I can totally see both sides of the argument. On the one hand, we have the superficial amongst us, who take artefacts from here, there and everywhere and place it in their home, as though to give it meaning, but making it meaningless while doing so. I feel that this applies to today’s badge of dubious honour - the ubiquitous tattoo. Once upon a time, the tattoo was part of a cultural heritage and was symbolic, with a rich and varied history - such as those of the Polynesian peoples, or the yakuza. then along came random folks and appropriated this cultural signifier for themselves, and today you see a whole bunch of men with tatts all over the place - with neither artistic nor cultural merit to their body graffiti. Anyway, this also applies to artefacts from across the globe. what meaning could an antique jharoka have for a suburban house in newtown? Probably not much, but then, we get to the other side of the argument. that intricate craftsmanship and the objects of beauty - regardless of their provenance - belong to all of humankind. hence a jali or a fine bronze statue of the Nataraja can be admired regardless of one’s background. Artistry and craftsmanship belong to all of us - and an item of beauty is human heritage. So while a marble bidri may have meaning for you because this is part of your culture, the admiration of it should not be confined to this alone. this means that anyone who sees the beauty of an artefact should be able to keep it in their home without feeling like they are appropriating symbols. So to answer your question - whether you should be able to keep Islamic artefacts without feeling like a phoney - is quite simple. Ancient Islamic art is about to enjoy a renaissance, so get it while you can. Further, being of Indian descent, your background is intertwined with Islam - you can’t be Indian without acknowledging our Mughal past, and its Islamic influence on India. Finally, how do you really know who your ancestors were - and what your background really is? Unless you can trace back your ancestry to hundreds of years, it’s possible that way, way back one of your hindu ancestors probably married his Muslim neighbour - and this detail was lost in time. So, I say go for it - decorate your home with Islamic art if you want to - in a silent, yet powerful tribute to a fictional or real ancestor who may have been Muslim. By the way, if your friends have differing opinions about this, just tell them your great-aunt seven times removed was a Muslim lady from Allahabad - hence you are entitled to have Islamic art in your house. that will make you even more exotic and interesting, nah?

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