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Hello, is this t he Pi:ime l\un ister's office?

PM's Secretary: Ye: it is. Who is calling please?

Caller: Thi s is Sul ta n Dhow

Dinghy from Cisarua, currently the busiest coastal rown in south Java.

Secretary: Excuse me, how d id you get our number?

Caller: We p icked it up from one of your many navy vessels that come here every day. In fact we have aU the nw11bers of your Immigration, Customs and Eme rgency Services, senators, lawyers and many more

Secretary: Ok why do you want to talk to our PM?

Caller: I can stop t he boats and save him billions of dollars.

Secretary: Wait a minute (doin1 a hurried check on the computer)

Did you say your n ame is Sultan Dhow? We will call yo u back in ten minutes. \Xlhac is your number there?

Caller: 01 l 62 420 420.

C Lic k.

Secretary to colleagues: Guys, the l eading people smuggler has made contact. Get the treasurer, immigration and defence ministe1 and tl1e defence chiefs of Navy into the PM's office asap. Ring ring.

PM: Sultan, tlus is the Australian PM: \Xl hat can I do for yo u?

Sultan: Nor much you can do for me, Prime Minia~ter Sir Bue I can save yo ur job and billions of dollars.

PM: Not even my treasurer can do that. How can yo u do that for me?

Sul tan: By stopping the boats.

PM: Our Oppos ition has been saying chis t hree-word slogan for months. Bm the y are not sure now. By the way, our intelligence tells us you are the one sending the boats om.

Sultan: True That's why I can stop mem. You can tweer co your hordes of followers that your tough srnnd did the trick, and win !.heir votes.

PM: Brilliant, Sultan. But what's in it for yo u ?

Sultan: It's simp le. Every boar l send out makes me a million but costs you hLLndreds of millions. So for every boat I stop sending, you

38 AUGUST 2013 pay me two million. Imagine the savings VIP jaws drop in unison. Buttons on ca.lcubtors are tapped furiousl y. No word exchanged for a few nunmes.

PM: Sultan, two miUion a boar a day, is a bit too much!

Sultan: Think of tl1e savings I am making for yo u. I ow that we choose aU the in1migrants, you can abolish the Immigration Department. Cnsroms too, si nce mese arrival s bring in their own customs. Look at the ones we send - well- fed and in designer clotl1es. They won't be a burden. Quite affluent They pay 10K per head for such a short journey in a leaky boat, almost the price for a world cruise in a luxury liner.

PM: Yes but two million Foreign Affairs Minister: Look, we have PNG to help us. We are scouring new islands roo.

Sultan: Listen Sir, PNG stands for ' Problem I ever Goes'. Look at the work we do for you \Y/e provide valuable training for yo ur navy chaps calling them over here every other day. That's the only exercise they ger to do. Without tl,ar they may get into their o ld games, sexual harassrnem.

The Navy Chief in a very low tone: Mr PM Sir, let me give you a couple of buUec points for bargaining.

PM: I can do w ith cannon- size points. What have you got?

Navy Chief: Tell h im we will undercut h is business. We now go almost 10km close to their shore. We can pick up liis cargo right from the port at half the price. We can even provide aid to build that pore to world class standard The journey wiU be r isk free. We'll take om full page ads in d1e papers there.

PM: Brilliant. Any other point~?

Navy Chief: Our defence b udget is severely cur. This discount offer will bring in nullions. We can also pick tl1e brains of the boat crew iliat wiU become ic!Je.

PM: In what way?

Navy Ch ief: Many of their boats start sinking witlun minute s of se tting off. Our Collins class subs can't dive. We can ask th eir technical know- how to make our subs 'hole in' class PM: ExceUenc suggestions. PM to Sultan: You there, Sul tan? OK then Two millio n bucks a boat.

Everybody cheers to a done deal The applause goes on and 011 .• and on

1he PM wakes to see he is in the midst ofan election mlfy, having dozed offas a remit of extreme exhamtion Sultan DhoUJ Dinghy UJas but a dream