Perfectionism and managing the high achiever

Not being able to achieve the high standards set for themselves by themselves can lead to a feeling of frustration and anxiety in children and adults

BY MOHAN DHALL

Many parents have children that they would classify as perfectionistic.

Perfectionism is evident when a child (or adult) focuses on completing activities and tasks to best that they can possibly do and to a perceived standard of excellence that would classify the outcome as ‘the best’. Whilst doing work of a high standard is to be valued, the associated feelings of anxiety, stress, frustration and low self worth may need to be addressed.

Perfectionism is often seen in children who display the following characteristics: they are often bright, usually first born (eldest) or only children, find change difficult to manage and are often anxious about the results of an endeavour they undertake. A person manifesting perfectionist tendencies and who is also highly visual, may tend to arrange their workspace to a very specific standard. Perfectionists can become stressed around deadlines and performance, if there is clutter or a sense of disorganisation or unpredictability. Such students also tend to need fixed times for study, a clear working space, a tidy classroom and teachers who are ordered and methodical.

Teacher pleasers

Perfectionism needs to be distinguished from ‘teacherpleasing’ or parent-pleasing behaviours. Whilst obedience can be valued in classroom and household relationships, it is not a sign of intelligence or perfectionism. Fear of criticism can make a child want to be compliant. Perfectionism however, tends to be viewed as an inner prompt rather than arising from an external source.

Language and rationalisation of feelings

When a child acquires language at a young age, they can be very engaging, chatty and cute. This can encourage further development of language as older children, adults and others talk to the child. The acquisition of language at a young age can lead to difficulty with respect to the management of perfectionistic behaviours. The child with strong language skills may be encouraged to ‘calm down’ or to ‘stay cool’ when they baulk at a task or express dissatisfaction with their own achievements. This use of logic and rational thinking actually undermines the child’s capacity to help to manage perfectionistic behaviours.

Adultification

A further complication that arises with the early acquisition of language is that of adultification. If this occurs, the child tends to be treated like an equal of the parents, with them appealing to the child to manage, and even asking the child for their opinion on various matters, like feelings and choices they would like to make. Some measure of independence is encouraged by this approach, but far greater dependence also occurs. This dependence is primarily emotional.

Emotional dependence and the perfectionist

A child manifesting perfectionism can find it very difficult to cope with perceptions of ‘failure’, performance that is even slightly below that which they are capable of achieving, and may be very reluctant to take risks when the outcome is not certain. In a classroom such children will not venture answers to questions unless they are certain they are correct. Moreover, if given an open-ended task they can find it extremely difficult to know where to start. They will often ask to be told exactly what to do.

For teachers such behaviours seem very limiting, as the student appears very dependent.

Moreover, as the child ages and passes through high school such perfectionism undermines the goal of helping a child to ‘learn to learn’.

The language of feelings

It is very important that students with perfectionism learn how to manage this tendency and become more resilient. If they can be taught how to identify, articulate and take control over the feelings associated with the stress around performance and achievement, they will have acquired skills for life.

The first step is that feelings must be articulated. This is a very difficult step. The onus here lays with the adults not the child. It sounds quite easy to do - simply name the feelings associated with the process of doing something where performance really, really matters.

Managing stress

The typical response from a parent or teacher in managing this situation usually takes the following form:

“You have tried your best, just be happy with what you have done”. “Don’t be so upset. Just get it done. No need getting so stressed about it”.

These responses whilst wellmeant, are generally worse than ineffectual. They actually attempt to manage emotion with logic or reason. The usual effect is to create a wide gap between the adult and child, and for the situation to worsen rather than improve. So the question arises as to whether there is a better and more effective way with long lasting effects. Fortunately, the simple answer is ‘yes’.

What feelings?

So what does a child feel when they believe they have to produce the perfect piece of work every time? What feelings are being expressed when a child rips up work and starts again? An obvious answer, in the scenario given, is that ‘the child feels angry or frustrated’.

Unfortunately the obvious answer is not the correct one. Whilst they may be expressing strong frustration, the actual feelings leading to the frustration need to be identified. Behind the frustration, a child probably feels like they have disappointed themselves, that they will be judged for letting down others. This, in turn may be premised on low levels of self worth. Thus, addressing the ‘anger’ and calming it actually does not identify or address the underlying feelings.

Levelling feelings: Three benefits

When a child is told how they are feeling - not asked how they are feeling - it has three benefits. If a parent or teacher was able to say, “Doing well really matters to you. When you have high standards then it is very stressful having to complete things in a short time”.

These words first tell a child that the adult understands them. This is a very significant. Secondly, the actual articulation of the feelings helps to normalise the feelings and also give them a name. This statement should be followed by a short period of silence. At this time the child normally agrees because clearly they have been understood and this articulation creates a powerful and palpable sense of understanding.

Lastly, the parent can then say, “And when we feel these overwhelming feelings then we can breathe slowly and calm ourselves down”. In this way the parent also role models coping strategies.

If this pattern is followed, over time the child should learn

Perfectionists can become stressed around deadlines and performance, if there is clutter or a sense of disorganisation or unpredictability

Behind the frustration, a child probably feels like they have disappointed themselves, that they will be judged for letting down others to identify their own feelings, articulate them for themselves and learn to manage the feelings through self-talk and calm breathing.

A note of caution, however. Whilst this is a very simple model, it is very difficult to apply for a number of reasons. Firstly, in today’s society we are not used to having the time required to actually work through the process or to even identify how we feel. Secondly, levelling feelings runs counter to the dominant paradigm of managing through rationalisation and logic. Thirdly, articulating feelings takes time and practice. Fourthly, this type of articulation can make the parent feel vulnerable. This is because they may well be managing a situation differently to how they have ever managed prior. And this can feel novel and weak. Lastly, the model takes some time to perfect and thus feeling secure in the process can take time.

In summary, perfectionism can drive people to achieve to a high standard consistently.

When perfectionism is associated with high levels of anxiety, a rational or logical approach does not help in either easing stress or assisting a child to become better at identifying and coping with the behaviour.

An approach based on an understanding of the underlying feeling tends to be more effective, and helps in self-understanding and long term coping.

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