Modern match-making

needed, in addition to patience and perseverance in these matters.

BY MALLI IYER

Meeting a soul mate is a common need, and something everyone dreams about. It must be underlined that if love were a T-shirt, one size no longer fits all. Eligible prospects hawking themselves on internet websites impress only the very few, and many would admit that partnering is a highly complex business. No matter where people live or what their lifestyle, the business of finding a partner or a soul mate is, more often than not, a challenging task. It is obvious that we have come a long way from the days of parents finding a suitable match for their offspring and following that, everyone got on with life without further ado.

Whether the search for a partner is initiated by the parents or elders in the family, or by the man and the woman who seek a relationship the goal is the same – that of finding the ideal partner – although the preferred route chosen by the parties may be completely different. In almost all cases there seems to be a yawning gap in the way families communicate with each other about this vexing issue. A parent-to-child talk is rarely a conversation between equals, and frequently a breakdown in communication looms large. The generation gap intervenes and mistrust is created. When selecting a partner they are intimidated by a fear of the unknown. Gone are the days when eligible men/ women/boys and girls didn’t have to go far – their family searched within their community or social grouping, and at best they went exploring in the next village or town, and the deed was done.

More recently, experience shows that parental concerns about their unmarried children, particularly true of South Asian families, creates family discord and unnecessary stress. Their frustration increases as the young members in the family are unable to find partners till they are in their late twenties or early thirties. The incidence of this happening is quite widespread – most of it due to societal transition caused by employment and migratory trends. A better understanding of the changing roles and personality profiles of those involved becomes high priority. Adjustments are

We are now in the realm of scanning a vast expanse – the world is the stage and the players come with several strings attached – a different culture, varying levels of education, upbringing and family values that are alien, not to mention the choosy, unyielding disposition of the parties directly involved. Anyone with an unchanging mindset is unlikely to find easy pickings in such an environment. On the other hand, a somewhat adventurous approach brings with it greater opportunities – be it browsing the internet with matrimonial websites, hobnobbing with ‘singles ’ and lonely hearts clubs, or simply getting into active circulation with the help of friends and family. Nothing should be ruled ‘in’ or ‘out’, since there are scores of potential soulmates waiting ‘out there’ with a similar need to meet a prospect with whom they could share their life.

Statistics revealed in 2011 that over 5 billion use mobile phones, and over 2 billion browse the internet regularly. Electronic age marvels have come out to aid partner-seekers such as tablets with android and other downloadable apps, smart phones, social websites like Facebook, You Tube and Twitter all provide the latest tools to help people come together. Skype and Google Chat enables one-on-one communication or small groups to chat live and help to make seamless contact as often as needed, shrinking the world through satellite communications.

As with any unproven technique, linking up with people electronically is fraught with risks – such as the fakes and fraudulent, imposters and the predators – all of who prey on the innocent and the gullible. In the final analysis, there is no substitute for a gestation period to developing chemistry between two people before settling down together in the longer term. Most people would do well to understand that there are no guarantees, and most relationships will stand the test of time only if the partners change with the times and are willing to share and care for each other, literally! The respective roles played by the man and the woman are not cast in stone, particularly as breadwinning and money-making is no longer the sole prerogative of the man. Women in our society are very much in the forefront, so it is not uncommon for the male of the species to be adept in kitchen duties and tending to babies, whilst the lady of the house plays tennis or golf. It lends a completely new meaning to the old cliché, ‘It takes two to tango’. Macho and chauvinistic thinking are on their way out as women have become more assertive and have demonstrated resilience to create a niche for themselves in the social milieu. It is no longer unusual to see a homemaker husband with a super-professional or globetrotting wife who calls the shots in a relationship. The male of the species cannot claim their virility or sexual prowess as being adequate reasons for living in a socalled ‘man’s world’ or superiority in a relationship, since ‘hired help’ in every area is developing as an industry. European statistics compiled in 2011 on the state of relationships are interesting: 60% of married people are polyamorous and have extramarital affairs. Whilst 8% of children were born out of marriage in 1971, more than 50% of children were born out of marriage in 2010. The figures for North America are not any different – in 2010 there were 88 unmarried men for every 100 unmarried women. There are 12 million people who are cohabiting but unmarried, and this is a tenfold increase since 1960. These figures clearly illustrate that it is not a social malaise that we are dealing with. A sustaining change in our attitudes will undoubtedly help to adapt to the changes that we are witnessing.

People need to review their own understanding of what ‘compatibility’ means and what each one has to do to meet at a common ground on people’s expectations. People have to openly address the fears associated with getting into a new relationship. For example, there is no room for men to remain a ‘Mama’s boy’ even though they are in their midthirties. Parents have to work incessantly at creating children who think for themselves and become independent, mentally and financially. Parents have to acknowledge that nothing educates a child better than his/ her own mistakes as they advance to adulthood. Family backing to build confidence amongst younger family members is a continuing exercise.

In our society, we will need to address the issue of same sex relationships with openness and creating a support structure towards gay and lesbian offspring, but that would be an inconclusive analysis until sometime in the future, as it is still in the domain of ‘work in progress’.

Macho and chauvinistic thinking are on their way out as women have become more assertive and have demonstrated resilience to create a niche for themselves in the social milieu.

Parents have to acknowledge that nothing educates a child better than his/ her own mistakes as they advance to adulthood.