coping with loss

There is no clinically proven method to deal with loss, but Time can be a great and comforting healer

Crying, even being alone for sometimes in the day, reliving happy memories, letting go of the loss are some of the ways to help oneself work through loss and grief

BY SAROJA SRINIVASAN

We all experience loss at some time in our lives. We also deal with loss differently. Some want to talk about it, yet others prefer to be silent. Be it loss of money, property, employment or other material things and most of all, a loved one. If the loss is of material things we do move on within a reasonable time however large and precious it may have been, but the loss of a loved one may take much longer.

From being grief-stricken to feeling vulnerable to becoming resilient takes time, even though we experience loss at various levels constantly. We can get over some of these losses instantly and move on, yet others we find it difficult to come to terms with for a long time. Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness overwhelm us with different intensity, depending on the seriousness of loss.

Surprisingly, we seem to be able to console ourselves reasonably within a brief period when it comes to the loss of material things or money. The loss of a loved one is much harder to accept. This is particularly so when the loss is sudden and unexpected. Feelings that are experienced vary from person to person. Feelings of shock and disbelief, overwhelming sadness, guilt and even anger at oneself and the person who is no more are all common. These feelings do not follow linearly from one to the other, but may come and go with varying frequency and intensity. Sometimes the feeling that one will not be able to cope without the loved one surfaces, but almost always it is possible to adjust to life without the person. The most fundamental truth is that grieving takes time.

Bouts of crying, sleeplessness, feeling of emptiness, unable to eat or sleep are all common reactions to the loss of a loved one. These feelings are also present when the loss is not of a person, but following major surgery. The loss of function following traumatic injury can also lead to such reactions.

Feelings of grief are different for each person and takes time to pass. There is no ‘right’ way to react because everybody deals with loss differently.

Time is the greatest healer, we hear often, and quite rightly so.

As time passes, the feelings of grief won’t be there all the time, and they become less frequent and less intense. While the symptoms of grief are the same as depression, the difference is that the process of grieving acts in a cathartic way, leading to healing in time.

There are some helpful ways to manage grief and loss that may be worth considering. First of all it is important to give oneself time to grieve and then recover. Crying, even being alone for sometimes in the day, re-living happy memories, letting go of the loss are some of the ways to help oneself work through loss and grief. Talking to some one almost always helps. Trying to hide feelings as a way of protecting someone else may not always be helpful, except in circumstances with very young children.

It’s impossible to predict how long it will take someone to overcome grief. Feelings come and go, and it can feel like you’re always taking one step forward and two steps back. For most people time is the best healer, and it may take weeks or months before you can start to accept the changes in your life.

Feeling better is a sign that you’re working through your grief and adjusting to life without your loved one – it doesn’t mean that you’re forgetting them or letting them down.

If you continue to feel down, it may be that other things are affecting your mood. If you feel sad or miserable most of the time and have lost interest in things you used to enjoy, you may be experiencing depression and need to get help.

Some key points to remember as suggested by experts in the field highlight the important differences between grief and major depression. It is important to remember that each culture has a different way of grieving. For example, some traditional cultures have a much longer mourning period than others. This again draws our attention to not look at grief as a unitary phenomenon as if there is only one particular way to grieve.

While we may experience the following feelings at various times briefly, when they persist for a long period, it is important to talk to your doctor or a psychologist, specially if you have felt

• sad, down or miserable or irritable most of the time,

• have lost interest or enjoyment in nearly all of your usual activities

• might not doing so well at work or school, university or work

• experiencing changes in your relationships with family and friends.

While the symptoms of grief are the same as depression, the difference is that the process of grieving acts in a cathartic way, leading to healing in time

• lost or gained lots of weight

• felt restless, agitated or slowed down

• lost a lot of energy and feel tired all the time

• find it difficult to concentrate or make up your mind

• feel worthless or guilty

• feel that life is not worth living

These feelings are unlikely to go away on their own.