Posterior ponderings

BY LP AYER

I have been r(e)aring to contribute once again to Back Chat from the moment I read a centrespread article in a Sunday paper, a couple of weeks ago. Two full pages were dedicated to the rear of someone who is now hitting the front pages of women’s magazines. I don’t look out for them, folks, but these glossies glare at even geriatrics like me at grocery store check-outs. I wonder what is it with the western media’s raving about the rump? Their standards and tastes seem to have reached rockbottom. The spread is not about the bottom that may one day sit on the British throne, but of the one who brought up the rear at the recent royal wedding. Yes, it is all about Pippa’s figure-hugging hindquarter.

In those parts of the world where most of us have originated, people admire women first for their facial and other upfront features. But it seems that these beauty benchmarks of the Orient take a backseat in the Occidental world, where it is so common for girls to ask, “Does my bum look big in this?” while trying on tightfitting trousers.

prominent talk-show hosts are having a bun(m) fight to get this girl from the home country on their sets. Some magazines from Down Under are also up and running in the race to cover her. A brand name British bagmaker has re-christened one of their bags ‘Pippa’ and of course, pitched up its price. With the Indian presence becoming universal, naturally, they can’t be left behind. Fancy footwear-maker Aruna Seth who designed Pippa’s silver sandals for a party on the big day joined the queue, but her offer could not get a foot in the door; she was

In spite of all the hoo-ha about Pippa’s posterior, the 29-year-old was recently pipped at the post for the coveted crown of (RoY) “Rear of the Year” by 50-year old TV presenter, Carol Vordeman politely turned down. Buckingham Palace seemed to have stepped in to stem the flow, having learned a lesson from Fergie’s frivolous foray in grabbing promotional offers. Beth, the boss at Bucks, has signalled that the buck stops with her.

Party goodies peddler Pippa is now having a perennial no-holds-barred party, popping up at events such as the French Open

So it is no accident that the British press promoted this MoH (Maid of Honour) to HRH (Her Royal Hotness) in a matter of days after she walked behind her big sister holding the train of the wedding gown at the wedding ceremony in Westminster Abbey. Commentators swooned over the tightly sewn gown gracing her slim figure, with cameras constantly concentrating on her bell-jar bottom. Print media has now taken over from where the lensmen left off. Party goodies peddler Pippa is now having a perennial no-holds-barred party, popping up at events such as the French Open. Even as Rafael and Roger had their eyes on the ball, hitting it with bullet-speed over the net, the audience had a ball of their own with their eyes trained on the high-flyer in a low-cut Zara dress.

The girl of coal mining ancestry, now uncharitably called a gold digger, knows it is cool to cash in on her ‘hot’ image. According to a British columnist, “she has become a global celebrity in an age where having talent is no pre-requisite for fame.” A close acquaintance says, “She is the most socially ambitions person I have ever come across!” Is this below-the-belt comment a back-handed compliment? With her new-found popularity, Pippa is riding on her posterior all the way to the bank with offers flowing from all directions.

Across the ocean, TV queen Barbara Walters and

The upwardly mobile Middleton, someone sarcastically suggested, should consider changing her name to ‘Upton’. I have no credentials to sit on the judge’s panel of a beauty pageant. However in my book, her face in not the kind that will turn a thousand heads away from her regal rear. The picture of her leaving the hotel with her family the morning after the wedding is proof enough. It is more common than a commoner’s, and no match to her beautiful big sister.

The law of gravity demands that as one scales the social ladder, some load-shedding may be required to speed up the climb. Pippa knows this and has duly dropped her long-time boyfriend, former cricketer Alex Louden. She has given him the slip and now he is the 12th man, with odds of re-joining the game pretty much long on. The close-in fieldsman is now George Perry, her one-time flatmate and the future Duke of Northumberland, whose castle is lot larger than any cricket field. Seeing the newly-wed bride earning a title, the little sister wanting one for herself can’t be called sibling rivalry!

In spite of all the hoo-ha about Pippa’s posterior, the 29-year-old was recently pipped at the post for the coveted crown of (RoY) “Rear of the Year” by 50year old TV presenter, Carol Vordeman. I’m glad our own Aishwarya’s surname is spelt ‘Rai’ and not ‘Roy’, although she could win hands down. Back home, sarees and salwars save our women from such unsavoury contests.

The media has downloaded on us so much of the party princess’s posterior, that we would love to see the back of her – figuratively. So if you’re asking why I’ve taken this ‘rave of the rump’ route, I can only say, well, this column is called Back Chat, isn’t it? I thought it would be nice to bring up the rear of this popular magazine with something that justifies its name and position!

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