The art of letting go

In today’s world, it is essential to understand the fine line between non-attachment and detachment

as dependence, and so become out of favour.

BY SAROJA SRINIVASAN

The Maha Mrutyanjay shloka beholds us to pray for blessings from Lord Shiva for a healthy life and to obtain the wisdom to be able to let go at the right time, even as the cucumber lets go of the creeper when it is ready. Many people often think it refers to letting go at the time of death. It is not only at the final parting that we need to let go graciously, but we need to do so every moment and in every situation we go through in life.

One of the clear and obvious experiences of modern living is that we are faced with change constantly, instantly. Yet the comfort of modern living has also insidiously fooled us into thinking that most things will remain constant, despite the fast changing environment - to the extent that we expect emotional attachments to remain steadfast too. Alas, the fickleness of such emotional bonds even in traditional relationships is now increasingly becoming obvious.

In traditional cultures family loyalty is of paramount importance. The emotional bonding between family members is highly priced and certain implicit expectations between members are fostered. In modern times, however, close emotional ties within families are often interpreted

Many elderly people are caught in the middle of this emotional conundrum of wanting the emotional closeness that they have experienced within their own families of origin to continue, but find that it is not necessarily being reciprocated in their families now.

So how does one deal with this profound and heart-rending shift in thinking that is taking place?

I guess the hard, but necessary, lesson to practice is the art of letting go. Letting go does not mean lack of caring or concern for another’s welfare. It is simply learning to accept the limitations imposed by changes in existing relationships.

At a philosophical level, eastern wisdom traditions like Hinduism and Buddhism, talk of attachment being at the root cause of much suffering. Both these traditions talk about the value in remaining non-attached, while Buddhism focuses on desire and craving, as the main cause of unhappiness. When it comes to emotional relationships, particularly within, families, nonattachment is much harder to practice. It is easier said than done. If we did not have emotional attachments within families or between people, we wouldn’t be any different than animals. So how do we deal with this? Perhaps it is the realization that one needs emotional connections, but accepts at the same time that indeed they are also only transient. As with everything, they too are not static. These emotional attachments by their very nature are constantly changing. If we constantly retain an awareness of this natural fact, we are more likely to succeed in not letting the bonds of attachment engulf us.

There is a mountain of difference between non-attachment and detachment. If we seek detachment from emotional bonds, the path is quite different. Detachment requires a total renunciation, a determined attitude of indifference and placing both spatial and emotional distance even with one’s own family, as seen in ascetics. A householder, by the very nature of his/her circumstance, has developed attachments. This voluntary choice to seek and form emotional relationships demands that he/she has a certain level of involvement.

To then seek renunciation from these bonds creates a tremendous conflict. Where is the sense of duty? Should not one be conscious of one’s familial commitments and carry them through? Carry them through for how long, you may ask. This is precisely where non-attachment plays an important role. Non-attachment requires that we carry out our responsibilities without the expectation of getting something in return, which also includes the expectation that it should last forever.

Since by nature circumstances are subject to change, it requires one to have a clear understanding of the transient nature of attachments that is created by changing lifestyles and stages of life. Maintaining a fine balance between continuing to fulfill one’s duty and responsibility and at the same time, practicing the art of letting go may well be the answer.