Modern Family Angela Shillolo and her boyfriend, Dennis, have been together for almost seven years and are living in Toronto. Zac, 15, and Ella, 13, are Angela’s kids and Katerra, 8, is Dennis’s daughter. Dennis works as a bike messenger and Angela is an assistant to the owner of a new (not even open) bike shop. INBETWEEN sat down with Angela to chat about making it work and blending the two families. ON THE DECISION TO LIVE TOGETHER Deciding to live together was easy; it was way easier to coordinate our lives than to justify the cost of living separately in this city! Figuring out each other’s schedules was a little more challenging, and still is, really. We had to learn that no one would truly suffer if dinner wasn’t always at 6:30 on the dot. We adapted and accepted that we would always have to adapt. ON BRINGING THE FAMILIES TOGETHER The first time it became obvious was when he took my kids out to get me flowers for my birthday - all of a sudden, Dennis was my boyfriend. Katerra was also so young and fun to be around that it was like getting a new toy/puppy — everyone wanted to play with her. Ella was certainly more apprehensive that
someone was coming in to take her momma; she was the original baby of the family after all. We don’t go to great lengths to make everyday life a whole “family experience” but I always find it amazing and wonderful that when we do things altogether (big family reunions, weddings, even the photo shoot for this article), we work really well together and have a great time doing it! The biggest difficulty is the age gap between my two and Katerra — that isn’t going to change. As I graduate from one phase of parenting, Dennis is just entering it. Right now, he swears Katerra will never sleep until noon. Dennis established relationships with my kids but we came from a fairly controlling and overwhelming situation with their dad. To this day, my ex doesn’t acknowledge him – sad but true. Dennis was very patient and didn’t try to be their dad, but treats us all respectfully. The great thing is that we pretty much just get along and have fun being ourselves. We all accept each other for who we are, we’re nice to each other and respect that we are all different. ON PARENTING TEENS IN A BLENDED FAMILY Do what works for you. In a blended family, where there are many sets of involved and loving parents with different rules, expectations and
beliefs, parents need to keep in mind that “fair isn’t always equal.” The expectations for someone who lives in our house every day vs. every other week vs. every other weekend are different. Personally, I took issue to being a step-parent — they are always “evil.” We started referring to each other as “bonus parents” and “bonus kids.” It’s easier if you look at it like you’re getting something extra that a “normal” family doesn’t have. Everybody loves a bonus! ON CONFLICTS Anything that would really count as a conflict is usually resolved with impromptu family meetings (even though we have never really called it that). There is often a short meeting on the stairs where we talk about how the other person would feel, or sometimes we use stories like, “Remember when you were that age, you did that?” We also talk so that everyone has their chance to chime in about things like, “What’s the most important rule at mom’s or dad’s place?” We do our best not to sound too full of ourselves. We hardly ever have conflicts and we are pretty comfortable doing our own thing and pitching in. We learn by making mistakes and we complement each other in our differences. ■ inbetween
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