FRIDAY,JANUARY 17,200'
Can you say scapegoat? More than meets the eye with new "management team"
YOU! OFF MY PLANET! Thc details are stdl sketchy But here's what matters a man -who wasn't a UW student -got the shit beat out of him -by three men who also were not UW students -in the parkmg lot outside Fed Hall in the early hours of January 1 The victim almost died, but thankfullyhas improved to cirtical con&tion in a Handton hospital As an mstituuon of higher learning, this is exactlythe sort of PR you aren't looking for You don't endear yourself to your commumty and c e d y don't take any photos of such incidents for high school brochures You do a little damage control, point out it's an isolated incident and offer condolences to the victun Unfortunately, our a d s tration did much morc than this
They effectivelytookovcrmanagement -don't be fooled by this "joint management team" rhetoric -of Fed Hall and Bombcr You can see the lme of reasontng of course if only administration had been running Fed Hall that night, none of this would have happened If only there had been a manager instead of a lowly afristant, everythingwould have been just swell If only the culprits and victim had been signed m If only Well, perhaps not Maybe it's more like this uimersity looks bad, university needs to blame someone and look lrke it's taking correcbve action 'What's the quickest way to put some spin on this?" thought the wise heads m Needles Hall. Here's anidea declare the Feds to be mcompetent, then take over their bars1 Positive media attention and putting the ktds m their place m one convenient move \What could be better? I oftenridiculc conspiracy theories in this space, so in the spirit of fairness this week I will offer up one of my own there's something deeper gomg on here than just the New Year's incident
The first clue that there is more than meets the eye is that both Fed
Hall nndthe Bomberwere taken over: if the admstration's rationale for taking control of Fed Hall is that thcrc was a fdure by beds to ensure it was "properly managed" (whatever that means), then fine, take Fed Hall. But why the Bomber? Where has it been demonstrated that the manage ment of the Feds' other s m d a t bar is madequate? One can't be sure, but could it be that some of the key players in h s t r a u o n were hawk& to retaliateagainst the Feds for dartng to speak out a p s t last August's Ivlicrosoft fiasco? That brutal cornmumcationsexercisewasentirely the fault of the a h t r a ~ o and n the Feds were right to speak out. The result was a lot of bad press that may have cost the schoolconsiderable amounts of withdrawn ahunnl support So when the opportunity came for the admintstrationto pan a PK &saster on Feds, they took it and mdked it for all it was woak Thls is all speculation, of course But doesn't it make you wonder?
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she told me the inevitable: "Ah yeah Heramb, my boyfriend and I get along fady well but I'm not a super coimtment person." This revelation took me by surprise If she's not into commitment, then perhaps intercourse with me mght be palatable to her tastes. But she'd have none of that. To further accentuatethis rejection, she told me her boyfriend can bench press Jupiter. This physical prowe& coupled with love of the colour of blood would serve hun well m the army, she went on to say. I wanted to jom the army once but couldn't handle the algebra. From all angles it would seem her relationship with Army Boy was fine, built on a strong foundation of trust, respect and a big LO& This did not bode well for me banging her. Apparently Army Boy was a mastcr marksmanwho practiced daily at the ~ a i Indians e be our Targets" range. A k r a long
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Ganesha didn't warn me about ~erambina
The rule of thumb when you hush exams is to get your ass home ASAP. Fmshing exams early equals more vacation, but welcome to mega boringvdle when your friends aren't done for another week My wmter vacation arrivedwrth a yawn, a whunper and a really squshy fart. After an uneventful day I logged onto MSN Suddenly, some chick that never talked to me before started t h g to me And since she was a chick on my messenger list, chanccs are she was cute and I wanted to have torrid monkey sex with her We'll call her Herambina to avoid being bitch slapped. Since I Ierambmamtiated conversation, I figured let's go for some "messenger mackmg " That's
you They are afmd of the possi bilities, whether they be misleading the girl or actually f a h g for her Offering - such information takes away moral issues and obligations, even if uttered under the influence Ever since enteringuniversityI've and m the heat of the moment I been confronted with guys who arc beheve it to be an easy way out for terrified of commitment Even my boyfriend of two years decided guys with absolutely no guts They when first year concludcd that hc are weak and a waste of tune Just when I thought that I had was not prepared to "settle" for me Durmg the summer, he experienced alltypes of commitment-phobes, I was caught comdecided that I was "good enough" pletely off guard by another more to have fun with, but not commit destmctiveandconfusmgtype to For some reason I decided that Bravely, I dialed his number this was satisfactory, until he wanted me to act like his girlfriend expectmg to learn of his Christmas without defining our relationship escapades In tune, the truth surfaced,the "complication" as he as such I could not handle this ridicureferred to it and something that I would be unable to understand lous concept so I moved on to an regardless of the older man who duration of the call wasn't afraid of (it lasted 2 hours) committing He I believe it to be Ideci~heredthis was 25 and we quickly defined our conversation status. becoming. an easy way Out somewhat but still qute serious pretty for guys with remain baffled Th new girl doesn't fast When I returned to school a bsOlut elicitany serious m September, a guts. Theyare possibhtiesw"e conflctarose. He apparently I do worked while I weak and a completelythe studied an hour complete waste oppos~teHe clams to think tha~ away. Suddenly, I was the one reof time. I am amazing and evaluatmgthe role is torn, afraid that of commitment. I when he decides it broke off this might be too late. almost problem-free bond don't know rf I shodd be flattered a s fear has conttnued from or insulted but I am most definite] hurt and disappointed then until now. I've dated quite a bit, i n c l u w a questionable return Commitment phobes are all to the first boyfriend mentioned. quite hurtful, but I find the last % most bothersome. Maybe because But I've avoided any possible attachment. I feel I now have come it's the most recent, but I don't to terms with some of my issues understand someone being so concermng commitment Although hypocritical and ignoringtrue and seemingly strong feelings We I have not been searching, I have begun to date with the idea of could have had something amazq Even those who epitomize your comrmtmentlingemgin the back of my mind existencecandestroyyour essence. We all fear things and, if it With each guy, I question if I codd be with him in a more serious happens to be commitment, you must overcome. I have overcome, manner. If the answer is no, I usually break it off Lately, those I yet my datmgreluctance remains There isa light at the end of the have dated have presented me a disclaunerveryearlyin the process tunnel, I hope Simply put, these guys are not Interested in anything serious. mtitus@irnprint.uwater~oo.~
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Messenger mackers
HERAMB'S HAREM
Epitomizing existence destroys essence
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and varied conversation she asked why I chose my program. She thought I should've picked l o u d ism1 Aside from bemg a water with a limited Engltsh grasp, I told her it was against Ganesha's wishes. I also said math was about as excitmg as fistmg a donkey. She replied, "Oh I agree! I took it in grade 11and never took it a p n . " To which I retorted, 'You took 'Fisting a Donkey' in grade 11>"To say she laughed would be an understatement 'cuz she didn't laugh. It was more a pause and reflectionof how corny this shteater can get. I was glad to hear I'm number 37 in the event of breakup. There's always difficultysensing the end of a conversation on MSN or ICQ. You don't wanna just break it off abruptly, but try for that smooth transition to silencewhere goodbye isn't fully necessary. Rut smce I gots to take a mondo crap, see younext week!
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