IMARA
STRONGER THAN A DIAMOND AND JUST AS PRECIOUS
May 2011
QUIZ: SEXUAL SEDUCTION find out how seductive you really are?
FWB’S IN COLLEGE
FRENEMIES
is there a decline in positive female relationships?
can it work? plus! do’s and dont’s May 2011 | 1
IMARA Magazine Co- Editor-in-Chiefs
DEBORAH JACK ROSALIND USHER Managing Editor Chandeerah Davis Co- Creative Director Iffie Ikem Co- Creative Director Marie Fleury Director of Finance Angelique Boyer Director of Publicity Chineze Ebo
STAFF WRITERS Kyeiwaa Amofa-Boachie Theresa Anoje Juliana Atabong Matilda Ceesay Chandeerah Davis Ujijji Davis Chineze Ebo Lauren Elliot Deborah Jack Kimberly Kerr Sheretta Noel Catherine Seya Jasmine Wade LAYOUT EDITORS Devaneke Crumpler Ujijji Davis Marie Fleury Courtney Johnson Briana King Iffie Ikem Sheretta Noel Rosalind Usher PHOTOGRAPHY AND ART Ujijji Davis Arianna Holmes Kimberly Kerr Jillian Lyles www.imaramagazine.wordpress.com nna Holmes
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Photo Credits: Aria
Editor’s Note
we are imara This issue, we decided to focus on various types of relationships. And honey, not just the romantic ones, we have wide breath of articles. Look for, the art of being a frenemy, the do’s and don’ts for your hookup buddies, and what to do with the people from your past. Hopefully, you will find an article that speaks to your current relationship situations. Our staff has really worked tirelessly bring you this edition of IMARA magazine. Just think, we have scoured campus looking for the next hottest Eye-Candy, interviewed the cutest Senior Couple, and gave you a few more tips on what to do with your “free” time, while you are still in Ithaca. Oh! And before I forget, make sure you take the “Sexual Seduction” quiz (pg 17)! Now for the sad part :( This is my last issue as Co-Editor-in-Chief. It has been a long, hard journey, but oh so worth it! And I can honestly say on behalf of all the seniors who are a part of this current executive board, it has truly been an honor to help create this magazine. We took IMARA from, a word we found in a Swahili textbook to a magazine created to serve as a voice for women of color on this campus. Now as we are transitioning into our new leadership, we are so confident that this new group of ladies will be sure to do this magazine justice. So keep an eye out for IMARA next semester! In closing, I just want all you amazing Cornell women to remember that you are stronger than a diamond, and just as precious.
Peace, Rosalind Usher Co-Editor-in-Chief
Rosalind
May 2011 | 3
Relatio
nships
Table of Contents
Pg 5 Pg 8 I’m Your G Pg 1 Single Life irl Pg 1 2 Friends Pg 2 6 Men + R with Benefit Pg 2 0 Long Dis elationships s Pg 2 3 Frenemi tance Relatio nshi Pg 2 6 Just Frien es ps 6 d Pg 2 Is that yo s ur 7
Health
Love
boyf
Featur
and B
Tips t
ot M
lawl
ess F
ace
Pg 6 Pg 1 161 Part II Pg 1 4 Sex and Pg 2 7 Food for Music Pg 2 1 Quiz: Se Thought: Af 5 Advi xual Sed rican Pol
Spotlig
ce: D
hts
iva S
Fashio
Pg 1
Seni
n
0 Dress
or C
ed to
oupl
e Sp
be W ooed
uctio
peak
otlig
ht
s
ean
n
Fear
eauty
ir
oaF
es
riend
ld N
Pg 9 Pg 1 Its Not Just Ha 8
Pg 1 Pg 2 5 Eye Cand 2 y
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Shou
itics
Toxic Friendships | Relationships
I’m Your Girl, You’re My Girl, We’re Your Girls by: Theresa Anoje
I
think I speak for everyone at Cornell when I say that my friends are what keep me going. Not only are they a source for new experiences, insights, guidance and other resources, they are above all a source of love and happiness. Who you surround yourself with can have a direct effect on your overall attitude, and can either lift up your mood or bring it down. There are various
qualities that we all associate with a good friend, including:
• Being a good listener • Having a genuine concern for your well-being (i.e. Celebrating your accomplishments and consoling you after failures) • Giving honest, constructive advice when asked for or needed • Being reliable and trustworthy (keeping their promises and keeping your secrets)
Although many of these qualities seem like the bare minimum for a friendship, you may have a friend who doesn’t meet these standards. Someone who
might:
• Dominate the conversation (who seems to listen only to find an opportunity to talk about themselves and shows little interest in what you have to say) • Try to one-up, trivialize, or diminish your life (your successes are always less important, and your problems aren’t as big a deal as theirs) • Point out every flaw in your words, actions, appearance… and give feedback when it’s not called for • Break commitments, spread your secrets and maybe even gossip about you
Someone with all of these qualities is rare (and unfortunate), but many of us have dealt with a friend who consistently shows one or more of these unfortunate characteristics. It can be emotionally draining to be in a relationship like this leaving you in a “toxic-friend” rut. The best ways to deal with this type of relationship are limited to trying to changing the friend’s behavior (which may be futile, since she might be oblivious towards it or unwill-
ing to change), lowering your expectations for the friendship (which may be emotionally draining, as a result of the constant disappointment), or severing ties with the friend entirely. Depending on the person, any of these may be the right choice for you. Generally, the ideal friend has most of the positive qualities, or is someone with one quality that’s so positive in your life that it’s worth putting up with her other flaws. But how do we find the ideal friend? This isn’t easy. With our busy lives, it’s hard enough to find time to bond with someone without having to discern between genuine friends and toxic ones. The solution is to be proactive. • Be yourself around others. Instead of worrying about pleasing others and being the person you think people will like, be true to who you are. That way, you’ll attract people who match your personality, and who’ll more likely be interested and supportive of your life choices. • Open up about your problems. Sometimes you might feel pressure to put on a happy face because you’re afraid of seeming like a whiner or starting conflict. However if your problems are serious, a good friend will be there to listen. A “friend” who can’t be bothered to listen to your problems, on the other hand, is someone you shouldn’t bother to deal with. • Keep in touch. Here at Cornell, we all have ridiculously busy schedules. But when you go on about your business for long spans of time, it might be hard for you to reach out to a friend or for them to reach out to you. So it’s important that, at least once a week, you check in with them through a text. Ask them how they’re feeling; tell them how you’re feeling. That way, the line of communication stays open. And remember, this advice goes both ways. In order to find the friends who can lift you up, you have to BE that friend for someone else.
May 2011 | 5
Features | 161 Things
161
Things Every Woman of Color Should Do at Cornell
PART II by Chandeerah Davis
So ladies, I ended the last article by saying that our memories at Cornell will ultimately depend on the ways we choose to engage and the experiences we create. I’m starting this one… a continuation of the last… by saying our memories here will also depend on our willingness to get out there and SEARCH for amazing experiences!!! None of us is going to leave here with a Facebook full of great photos or a truly enriched resume if we stay holed up in our rooms and don’t make the effort to explore all that Cornell has to offer. I’m glad to have your search start right here!
21
Check out Cornell’s Undergraduate Business Program, who’s launching the Business Opportunities in Leadership and Diversity (BOLD) Program. They are fostering a curriculum designed to develop business leaders who value diversity.
22 | Turn your suite lounge into a GAME NIGHT area and invite all the women you know! Bonding Time!!! 23 | Join ALANA: The African Latino Asian Native American Students Programming Board (ALANA) is a multicultural umbrella student organization. ALANA seeks to provide the Cornell community with a wide variety of programming that fosters awareness of and appreciation for diversity and multiculturalism. 24 | CornellSearch: The Biology Scholars Program (BSP)! It’s an undergraduate program based out of the Office of Undergraduate Biology designed to support academic excellence for underrepresented students majoring in biological sciences. 6 | Imara Magazine
Features | 161 Things
25
Grab all of your girls for brunch at the Carriage House and be sure to have the stuffed French toast! 26 | Take advantage of the Cornell Alumni-Student Mentoring Program, established by the Provost’s Office. The program seeks to improve Cornell’s ability to attract and graduate more underrepresented students by providing each student who wishes to participate in the program with an alumnus mentor. Our alumni network is chock full of amazing women of color who can help you see what your future could look like! 27 | Start a blog! Or Follow one of the ones our wonderful sisters on campus are writing! 28 | Find out about the wonderful things the Association of Students of Color are doing! Without our participation these kinds of organizations cannot function! 29 | Participate in Diversity Hosting Weekend and Multicultural Visitation Program for underrepresented prospective students! 30 | Get involved with the Cornell University Women’s Resource Center and be an activist for other women just like you! 31 | Take Salsa Classes with Palante at Big Red Barn!! Classes from the beginner to intermediate level are offered on Wednesday nights and it’s a great opportunity to get in shape!
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Have a conversation, offer a smile, or just hold a door for one woman of color that you DON’T know each and every week!!
33 | If you are a member of a diverse student organization, consider Breaking Bread. The goal of Breaking Bread is to provide student organizations with funding and other resources to organize a joint small group planning dinner and collaborative programming. To qualify for funding, two organizations must work together to plan a joint small group planning dinner!! 34 | Write an article for the Feedback Program! Wondering how can we affect the climate of diversity on campus? The Feedback program invites faculty, staff, and students to share personal experiences that either made them feel welcome or unwelcome at Cornell. Select submissions will be published anonymously as quarter-page ads in the Cornell Daily Sun! Let your voice be heard!! 35 | Have dinner at Maxie’s Supper Club... it’s a New Orleans Style restaurant serving traditional Southern comfort cooking! Yum! A far cry from the dining halls and a chance to eat amazing cultural foods. 36 | Hook up with BSU: Black Students United! 37 | Register for the Diversity Roundtable Conference and Exposition, slated for June 9, if you’ll be here this summer! It will address diversity issues facing the workforce in the coming decade... expect valuable information and networking opportunities!!
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Visit your High School and tell as many women of color there why coming to Cornell is SO amazing!! 39 | Have a Pot Luck at a friend’s apartment! Have every woman cook a traditional food from her cultural or ethnic experience and share food, fun, and sisterhood!!! 40 | And, since this issue is all about relationships… I’d like to recommend that each of us do a better job at trying to embrace, understand, respect, love, and uplift other Women of Color here at Cornell every chance we get!
To be Continued…
I hope you find these to be even better than the last ones!!! And if you missed the first 20, check out our previous issue online at http://issuu.com/imaramagazine/docs/imara_magazine__dec_2010. Enjoy! May 2011 | 7
Relationships |The Single Life
the single life by Juliana Atabong
I
walked into my room on a very cold Valentine’s Day evening in Ithaca. The lights were dim and the candles lit. I could hear India Arie in the background as I relaxed for a beautiful evening. February 14th is a wonderful day for a woman like me, young, beautiful, and in love. As I enjoyed a slice of cheesecake and a glass of Rosé, I could not help but smile as I was filled with love. I was in love with the woman that stared back at me every day in the mirror. From the point of view of many people, I am a complete love and relationship reject. I have never been in a relationship or anything even remotely close to resembling a relationship. In the game of love, I have lost too many times to count. Many times in my life I
“What is WRONG with me that I can’t find a man to love me?” In turn, I began to criticize have questioned,
and I watched her cry over a man who didn’t appreciate and love her and listened to her say that she loved him more than anything in the world. At that moment,
I realized the most important love a person should ever achieve is self-love. I looked to being in a relationship signify
love and completion, never fully acknowledging the effects of such a wavering love. A boyfriend or girlfriend can leave you heartbroken and empty if the love for one’s self is not there. And as I sat next to her, I started the most fulfilling relationship of my life, a relationship with myself.
I have never once glanced at the positives of being single; the most
Me, Myse lf, and I
every aspect of my being. I was too fat to be loved, I am not pretty enough to be loved, my butt is not big enough to be loved, and the list goes on. I allowed my relationship status to determine my worth as a woman and a person. I believed if I was single something was wrong with me that I couldn’t attract a man. And I could feel my self-worth and self-esteem decrease over the years because in my opinion I was unlovable. And every Valentine’s Day that came and went was a reminder of my inadequacy as a person.
For years, I loathed Valentine’s Day. I would walk to classes that day and every other phrase was, “Baby, I love you” and “Girl, you know you make me happy.” At first, I would feel general sadness, then anger and resentment to-
important being freedom. The freedom to be selfish in your self-attention, the freedom to do as you please whenever you please, and the freedom to learn the depths of your being. As a single woman, I have been able to focus on my dream and goals. I have not compromised who I am as a person because a man wants me to be this or that. Single life is about growth and understanding oneself regardless of the pressures of others.
In my current relationship, I experience ups and downs like others. At times I wonder why I put them first. But I remind myself every day that I’m learning how to love me and appreciate the woman I’ve become. At this point in my life, I look at couples and those in love and I no longer envy them. I look happily at the love others have been able to find with others. And I smile for I am expe-
I would find any excuse to riencing a love so deep everyday with myself. Being deem a man useless and inconsidersingle is not a curse, but a learning ate. And the shows Maury and Cheaters were my prime experience. When the time comes and I meet that avenues for release. I would sit in front of the television wards couples.
shaking my head, “Girl, he’s not worth anything.”
Then one day as I comforted my cousin as she was experiencing a break up with her boyfriend of five years,
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special someone and he asks me have I ever been in love I will tell him yes, and her name is Juliana, a beautiful, educated woman with a kind heart.
It’s NOT “Just Hair” | Health and Beauty
It’s Friday night. I’m sitting in my room, looking at old pictures of us, reminiscing on the good times we had together, missing you. Our love-hate relationship rivaled Helga’s affection/ detestation for Arnold, but I missed you. I missed the way you caressed my face, I missed the compliments people gave us on how good we looked together. I wanted to hold on to you for as long as I could, but you were too damaged, you couldn’t handle the heat any longer, so you split, and I had to cut you out of my life. Literally. Your remnants were scattered across my bathroom floor and I cried over you. Who was I without you? I felt naked; I felt bald. This was me two Decembers ago after cutting my relaxed hair off. Dramatic? Yes. Unjustifiably so? Definitely not. I don’t disagree with Miss India.Arie when she says that we are not our hair. Obviously our hair doesn’t define us, but hair isn’t just hair either. Some see it as a superficial, biological necessity, but for others, it’s the finishing touch to our guise. It is the ultimate accessory, an accessory that we have raised, groomed, and fertilized, an accessory that is physically part of us. It’s more than just hair. It serves its cosmetic purpose, but we also use our hair, or lack thereof, to make statements, to enforce an identity, to express our individuality. A woman’s relationship with her hair is not just a superficial obsession with vanity.
It’s NOT “Just Hair”
By: Kimberly Kerr
In some cases, it is a way for us to express our soft, sensual side; our edgy side; our no-nonsense side. For me, as a creative personality type, it is a creative outlet. And since nearly bald head was not a creative statement I was looking to make, when I had to unexpectedly cut nearly all my hair off I had a mini breakdown, as anyone who is stripped of a mode of expression is entitled to have. Hair is my hobby, and even though we won’t admit it out loud at the risk of sounding vain, our relationship with our hair is important to almost all of us, which is why we spend the money and time on its upkeep instead of shaving it off. And so after years of hating the way my damaged hair sat on my head, I am now, with a head of naturally coily curls, bringing my secret love affair with my hair out into the open, for everyone to know that there is no shame in having a love affair with the hair atop your head.
May 2011 | 9
Fashion | Dressed to be Wooed
Do I look like I’m trying too hard? Can I even see past these smoky eyes? Is this heel one inch too close to stripper? Is my hair screaming “sex”?
One thing we all know as women is that feeling comfortable and confident is half the battle when taking on the world of dating. The first few dates can be full of some of the most uncomfortable moments of your life, yet you continue to indulge despite the butterflies, stuttering, and moments of silence. Getting to know someone new that you may marry one day is not only nerve-racking but an experience that we as women want to be memorable from the topics of conversation to the venue of each date.
The truth is that the details of a date can easily change at any moment, but what you wear
can play a huge role in communicating how much of a fox, rock star, or good girl you are, without even parting your lips. When you wear something with confidence, your man-to-be will instantly fall in love with your personality, style, and the deal will be sealed…right? Uh, wrong. The other reality that I forgot to mention is that your man will more than likely fail to notice if you’re wearing the latest style, hottest shoe brand, or most flattering hair. Let’s be honest, he probably won’t even remember what you were wearing a few hours after the date. More importantly though, he will remember if you looked fly and beamed with confidence from the first moment he picked
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Dressed To you up. With that said, here are a few tips from head to toe on what to wear as you explore the dating world. While I would recommend looking as natural as possible, applying a little makeup for a night out is of great importance. If you find your skin to be uneven, applying a light layer of foundation is okay, only if you need it. If you’re a girl who wants to look sweet, opt for a light sweep of color on the eyes and a simple layer of gloss and liner for the lips.If you’re a girl that likes to go for the drama like me, perhaps stick to a smoky eye and a pop of red on the lips. Regardless of your preferences, however, focus on these three areas: the eyes, cheekbones, and lips. You can set the mood with your eyes, whether it be sexy and smoky, colorful and sweet, or nude and sophisticated. Always be sure to apply dark liner and lengthening mascara if nothing else. Focusing on highlighting your cheekbones with a few rosy layers is also a trick to looking vibrant, fresh, and youthful. And of course the lip is an area that your date’s eyes are likely to explore throughout the night if you’re smart enough to add some gloss, regardless of the color you choose.
This brings us to the next area of concern: the hair. Women’s hair is
certainly a point of controversy, as it comes in every texture, hue, and price to be borrowed from someone else (if you know what I mean). However you decide to wear your hair, make sure you’re not showing your absolute best trick in the hat, at least not on the first few dates. The same goes for jewelry. Looking polished and sleek shows that you can maintain a beautiful hairstyle. But, don’t go over the top with curls, pins, gels, or length… after all having your hair screaming “sex”, or anything else for that matter is simply a distraction for your date. Also, stick to sophisticated jewelry that shows personality and uniqueness, but again nothing too extreme until you get to know each other better. “Does this outfit make me look like a hoe?” If you have to ask your girls this ques-
Dressed to be Wooed | Fashion
Be Wooed
By Lauren Elliot
tion before a date get it out of your system already! You deserve to know. But—make sure you follow that up by changing immediately. At no point should you have to question the level of class that your outfit is suggesting. Wearing anything that makes you look too easy or even too uptight won’t work to your advantage in the end. Choosing an outfit is often a challenge because dates range anywhere from casual to very formal. But, my one piece of advice is to always recognize who you are and that your outfit is communicating that image. If you’re a laid back chick who likes to kick it with the guys, don’t try to pull off pumps and a one shoulder dress for a date in the bowling alley. If you’re high maintenance, love to accessorize, and keep up with the latest trends, find a way to communicate your knack for swag without going too over the top. The idea is to catch his attention just a little bit, to keep him in suspense until your next date (which of course you should have only if he’s worth it). Ladies, highlight your assets. You want your guy to realize how much of a beaming personality you have, right? Well the same goes for your cleavage, waist, thighs, booty, and legs. Do what you must to just hint at these areas. A top that highlights the shape of your chest, without revealing too much of your cleavage is the way to go. Again, we want your man to know what’s on the table, but not to the point where it distracts him. Try wearing a cinched belt with a dress or low rise jeans to show off your tiny waist and shapely thighs. And most of all show off a little leg when you can. There’s something about a girl who can cross her legs or strut with confidence that makes a man’s heart race. Showing that you’re not too shy to show a little skin could help you both loosen up, but make sure you don’t go too short—it could send the wrong message entirely. This last area is one that can-
not be ignored at any stage of dating, from casual to the most formal of events. Ladies, its footwear, my personal and all
time favorite seeing as I was born with a pair of pumps on my feet. Many of us own a pair of pumps that can easily be worn from the movie theater to a black tie event. Heels are incredibly versatile in this way, thus I’d like to say to all the ladies that fight the pump trend: Heels are your friend!Heels have been popular for so long because they automatically lift your butt, and lengthen your legs… “No surgery required!” These days, stacked and platform heels are becoming more and more popular. They emit sexiness, class, and sophistication if paired with the right outfit.
Similarly, wearing heels in bright contrasting colors is an instant way to liven up an otherwise boring or too sophisticated outfit. Whatever heel you choose, make sure it’s unique enough to get your legs and booty noticed, but still show your class and good taste. Heels can be killer, jaw dropping, life altering, and even could cause you to miss your next car payment. Don’t ever underestimate the power of a good heel by opting for an easier option, unless it is appropriate for the date of choice. For example, a day of mini-golf may call for a studded sandal or trendy oxford shoe. Just remember, choose a shoe with some level of comfort and that takes the height of your date into consideration. There’s nothing worse than having to crouch nearly to the ground to kiss your smurf of a date at the end of the night because of your inappropriately high heel of choice. The suggestions for how to dress to impress on a date are endless and subjective in many ways. But the ultimate message is clear— be confident and comfortable so that your date can clearly see how incredible and desirable you are, without extra distractions that you’ve created for him. And another thing, make sure the man you decide to choose is capable of wooing you and has swag that’s up to par with yours from day one. ‘Cause honey, it’s all down-
hill once you get used to each other!
xo, Lo May 2011 | 11
Relationships | FWB’s in College
FWB’s in College es M Is this all the relationship we can get?
by: Agn
Q
uestion: A man or a woman… who introduced the idea of “friends with benefits (henceforth referred to as FWBs)?” If you answered a man, I agree with you 100%, because what kind of backwards woman (evolutionarily speaking) would conceive such an idea! We are women. Most of us are evolutionarily programmed to want babies and want men who will help us raise babies. We, women, want men who will commit and be with us for life. HOWEVER, even if a woman did not introduce the idea of FWBs, she surely encouraged it, because today, the dynamic of a friends with benefits relationship is a hot topic making this type of relationship essentially a trend—everyone is doing it. An FWB is essentially a pseudo boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. Though from a recent BWSN sister circle on these no strings attached relationships, it was noted that FWB arrangements differ from couple to couple based on how the couples set their “ground rules.” These ground rules ultimately shape an FWB, and when they are broken, the drama ensues—and apparently, no one likes nor wants drama. Although I claim the FWB was the invention of a male human being, recently, it seems that it is more common for the female to initiate an FWB relationship. First, when it comes to committed relationships, it should not be a surprise to any lady that young adult males are the most useless of prospective partners. I say useless because most college men are just NOT interested in committed relationships. As a matter of fact, most college men are interested in hooking up, and essentially getting as much kitty kat as they can procure. Under such circumstances, it does not make sense for a guy to initiate an FWB, when he will be just as satisfied with hooking up. Promiscuity, on the other hand, rarely satisfies a woman (in college) as a means of gaining sexual or even relationship benefits. In addition, a college woman in search for a committed relationship with a college boy must invest in so much energy! As a fellow female once said, dealing with relationships is like signing up for a 5 credit class on top of an already loaded schedule. As a result, it seems that most females justify entering into an FWB as a means of not having to deal with relationship drama (essentially the college boy’s incompetence with relationships) while still reeking the benefits a relationship would offer. Thus, in college, it seems FWBs are the most sensible relationships to enter with college men. However, are FWBs committed relationships? The answer should be no, though depending on how those ground rules were set, FWBs could actually be committed relationships—thus defeating their purpose but one cannot judge an FWB arrangement. And that is the essence of an FWB—an arrangement. Unfortunately, rarely do participants establish ground rules; hence the arrangement inevitably becomes confusing and ends dirty (drama). Therefore, as we women pursue FWBs in our college lives, the following are some dos and don’ts to mull over as we make that decision.
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FBW’s in College | Relationships
DO NOT (also read as TRY NOT TO) enter into an FWB with a guy you can see yourself being exclusive with. Chances are, you will fall for him and unfortunately, he may not feel the same for you. You DO NOT want to get heartbroken, because that hurts.
DO: sit down and go over boundaries and
FWB
expectations of the FWB. FWBs should be drama free.
DO NOT: get Bad Girls Club type of angry at some other girl who has relations with your FWB partner. You were never in an exclusive relationship. What’s there to be mad about?
*Note*if you do set up monogamous boundaries on an FWB, then according to me, it is not an FWB. It is a legit boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.
DO: still act like his friend, even though behind closed
*Note Part II*On the same note, be very weary of an FWB partner who “gets around” too much. I would advise not to enter into an FWB with such a person. It is a high risk, and he might slack on the friendship, thus making you a booty call a.k.a. you’re being used.
DO NOT: enter into an FWB hoping he will fall for
DO: In the rare occasion that your FWB man falls for you but you are not feeling him, DO let
doors you vibe otherwise. It is not nice to ignore your FWB man in public. After all, “friends” precedes “benefits,” at least it is supposed to.
you. Blogs, magazines, and self-help books should not have to repeat themselves ten thousand times.
DO: use protection! DO NOT: let him give you subpar loving because
you are not an official girlfriend. If he cannot make it/you feel good, DO NOT waste your time. At this level, he is just using you, and the FWB is not a mutualistic relationship.
DO: use your FWB partner for practice (if you know
what I mean). He may not be your one and only, but one day you will find your one and only, and you might want to give him the best. Now is your time to practice; use your trusted friend.
him down as a friend.
DO NOT: enter an FWB as a sideline ho.
As a sideline ho, you are basically messing with a man who is in an exclusive relationship with another woman. Whether that woman lives across the globe or is your next door neighbor, it is just disrespectful. You are a classy femme. *Note*If you did not know you were a sideline ho getting into the FWB, you cannot be blamed. However, as soon as you realize this truth, bounce.
May 2011 | 13
Features | Songs for the Stages
Songs for the STAGES
by Ujijji Davis
There is nothing like a good love song that shuffles through your playlist at the right time. You know what I mean: you’re walking to class and Ginuwine comes on asking you about your jeans, and because you got them on and they feel so right, you pretty much melt at the knees. Your walk changes, you push your chest out and flirt with unaware students with your bedroom eyes. And it’s all because of a song, a song that triggers a memory, a best kiss, a best lover, or the love you never had. These songs say things you wish you could say, croon in a way you would never dare, but their boldness speaks to you and makes you want to have a love that is passionate and strong. I have some songs that I feel would fit in the different levels of a relationship, the different stages you may find yourself in when you come across the person that you fall for. These are songs that, no matter what kind of day I am having, make me smile and remember why I was in love (even if it didn’t work out). Feel free to add to your library; good music should always be shared. I have a very sultry vibe, so feel free to explore. Meeting Him/Her: 1. Just Friends, Musiq Soulchild 2. Quicksand, Ryan Leslie 3. Come and Talk to Me, Jodeci 4. Come Away With Me, Norah Jones 5. Sitting Up In My Room, Brandy
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Ballads that Must Be Belted Out Loud for Everyone to Hear 1. Crazy in Love, Beyonce 2. Always Be My Baby, Mariah Carey 3. Never Make A Promise, Dru Hill 4. Dangerously In Love, Beyonce 5. Real Love, Mary J. Blidge 6. Un-Break My Heart, Toni Braxton
Getting Serious 1. Can I Come Over, Aaliyah 2. Tell Me, Dru Hill 3. Stingy, Ginuwine 4. Hold Yuh, Gyptian 5. Ready For Love, India Arie 6. You And Me, Ledisi 7. Bendita la Luz, Juan Luis Guerra
In Love Already 1. Like You’ll Never See Me Again, Alicia Keys 2. Lovelier Than You, B.o.B. 3. Is This Love, Bob Marley 4. So Into You, Fabolous (Ft. Tamia) 5. In Love with You, Erykah Badu 6. Brown Skin, India Arie 7. The Way You Make Me Feel, Michael Jackson
Touching All the Bases 1. Freak Like Me, Adina Howard 2. Music For Love, Mario 3. It Seems Like You’re Ready, R. Kelly 4. What’s It Gonna Be, Busta Rhymes 5. Pony, Ginuwine Putting in Work 1. Rock The Boat, Aaliyah 2. Jamming, Bob Marley 3. Turn Your Lights Down Low, Lauryn Hill 4. Feel Like Makin’ Love, D’Angelo 5. Naked, Marques Houston 6. The Panties, Mos Def 7. O, Omarion 8. Sex Therapy, Robin Thicke 9. Bad Habits, Maxwell Insecurities 1. Will You Love Me Tomorrow, Amy Winehouse 2. I’m With You, Avril Lavigne 3. Oh, Maker, Janelle Monae 4. In The Morning, Ledisi 5. Who Can I Run To, Xscape
Togetherness 1. Stir It Up, Bob Marley 2. Call Me When You Get This, Corinne Bailey Rae 3. Don’t Leave Home, Dido 4. Differences, Ginuwine 5. Lost Without U, Robin Thicke 6. Te Mando Flores, Fonseca
Breaking Up 1. Ex-Factor, Lauryn Hill 2. Lesson Learned, Alicia Keys 3. No Love, Erykah Badu 4. Epiphany, Chrisette Michelle 5. Complicated, Rihanna 6. Me, Myself and I, Beyonce 7. Aint Gonna Beg, Fantasia Barrino
Senior Spotlight: Franck | Spotlights
Eye Candy
By: Chineze Ebo
Time to get the scoop on some of the yummy “eye candy” roaming around campus!
Why did you decide to transfer to Cornell? I wanted to come to Cornell because they offered better opportunities and I love a challenge. I also got recruited for soccer, which I love. What physical characteristic do you appreciate most in a female? I like a female with a nice smile and nice eyes. What personality trait do you admire in a female? Girls who respect themselves, and are able to respect other people. Respect is a very big thing to me. Also, I pay attention to the way a girl talks. I don’t like a girl who screams a lot, or is always cursing. I want a girl who’s more calm and chill. What is the worst personality trait a female could have? A girl who drinks a lot; I don’t like an alcoholic. I also don’t like girls who curse too much about everything, or get extremely loud, or girls who smoke.
Franck Onambele Class: Transfer, Junior 2012 From: Cameroon/Ivory Coast, transfer from York University in Toronto, Canada. School: CALS Major: International Agricultural and Rural Development Description: 6’2, athletic build. Tall, dark, and VERY handsome.
What is your ideal woman? She has to know what she wants in life and be determined. I also want a girl who will always have my back and be by my side. I like clean women, both in appearance and in lifestyle. What’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever done for a female? I took her out for a birthday dinner in the 360 Restaurant at the CN tower in Canada so she could see all of Toronto. What kind of music do you like? I like African Music, all types of African music. I like r&b, hip hop, and zouk love. I like a little bit of US rap, but sometimes they speak really fast for me to follow what they said! What’s your view on relationships? The key to relationships is communication and respect; if you don’t know your partner, you’ll never get along with them because you won’t know anything about them. But if there is communication and trust, you won’t be surprised by anything. What are your plans for after graduation? I might continue with modeling for a couple of years; I also might work in the UN, and then return to Africa and help develop my country. Who serves as a role model for you? I admire Nelson Mandela and Hounson Djimon.
May 2011 | 15
Men and Relationships | What He Thinks
What HE thinks:
Men and Relationships
by Chineze Ebo
“Yes, I’m single. These little boys ain’t nothing; they’re all whack, they’re all dogs, and you can’t trust any of them.” I swear if I had a dollar for every time I heard a girl say that, I could buy Cornell and make Ezra my personal chauffeur. We females have a bad habit of letting what happened in ONE relationship with ONE male influence our viewpoints of ALL males. It’s an unfortunate reality, and very detrimental for a good man just trying to find a good woman to take care of. Most of the time, ladies have a very biased perspective of what men want from relationships based on previous experience and “he said, she said” stories. However, what do the men REALLY think of relationships? What things do men look for (and try to avoid) when getting involved with a women? I talked with three of my best guy friends from back home to help get a male view on relationships, and on what men are and aren’t looking for from females.
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of letting ve a bad habilat tio We females haed nship NE re what happen aleininO ewvi r ou ence with ONE m of Aflu . es LL mal points
1. Girls who nag: When my friend first mentioned this notion of “nagging”, I wasn’t completely sure what it meant, so I asked him for an explanation. Nagging refers to a female who complains about everything, asks for everything, and gets upset about everything. They give their men NO space to breathe. Men hate this type of woman; he can’t get a break from her, and it seems as though every conversation with her ends in an argument. Ladies, men don’t like to fight, especially with the woman they are trying to be with. Give them their space, don’t breathe down their neck, and you’ll be surprised how different things can be. A lot of the time, it’s the nagging that drives the man to cheat, not giving them space. 2. Girls who are demanding: a lot of girls have an idea of the type of man they want. And most of the time, that type of man does not exist. We want a guy who is a sweetheart but also a thug, intelligent but non-nerdy, thin but buff in all the right places...a guy who is a gentlemen but also a freak…it’s a lot. Almost too much. Yes, I understand, we need to have standards. But at times, women are too demanding of what they want from a man, and there’s a lot of pressure for dudes to live up to all the things we expect them to be. Men want a woman who can accept what they have to offer without trying to demand much more. They don’t want a woman who is constantly trying to change them into something else. Likewise, women need to choose men whom they can see themselves with, not whom they see themselves changing. 3. Girls who can’t let go of the past: This was a really big issue amongst my guy friends. I can’t blame them, because I’ve been guilty of this too. It’s unfortunate, but ladies have a habit of punishing the new boy for things that the ex-boyfriend did… and it’s completely unfair. We tend to forget that this new man is just that: NEW. He’s not your ex, and shouldn’t be paying for things that your ex did. That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t keep your eyes open: it’s always important to use things from the past as lessons for the future so that history doesn’t repeat itself. But we need to let things go. Men can’t STAND when you bring up your ex and the things he did (good OR bad). This is a brand new man with new capabilities, and that needs to be acknowledged. Men also hate it when you claim to forgive them for something, but as soon as something else happens, you bring up the “forgotten” issue again. If you are going to forgive your man, then completely forgive him. Don’t throw things in his face when you’re mad, and don’t accuse him of things just because that other whack dude you dated messed up.
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4. Girls who get upset over honesty: Females claim that they want their men to be honest with them at all times. “I’d rather he tell me everything than hide stuff from me.” But is this true? According to my friends, it’s not. When they try to be honest with a female and she blows up on him, they find it extremely confusing. Ladies, we can’t ask a man to be honest with us, and then when he is, get upset because he was being honest. It’s hypocritical and leads to dishonesty and reluctance. If you want your man to be 100% with you at all times, then you must prepare yourself for 100% honesty. He’s not going to tell you what you want to hear all the time, but he WILL tell you. And if you keep getting upset with him every time he tells you what he’s really feeling, doing, or thinking, then he’s going to stop coming to you altogether. Men can’t understand a woman who says one thing, and acts another way; if you want an honest man, you have to show him that you’re able to listen, not just throw it in his face. 5. Girls with attitude: At first, this seems like a turn-on for men. They like the “feisty” chick that stands up for herself and takes NO nonsense. And there’s nothing wrong with that girl…but too much of her can be a turn-off. A man doesn’t want to have to shield himself from “Foxy Brown” every time he comes home. Men don’t like a girl with too much attitude. It’s not even about him not being able to handle it, or being afraid; sometimes, attitude is just straight annoying and unnecessary. No one’s saying that the strong, independent woman attitude is wrong, but if you’re carrying the “stank b*tch” attitude with it, men are probably going to steer clear of it because nobody wants to deal with that extra drama. --------------------------------------------------------------------------Even though they mostly agreed on these things, the one thing I got from the talk with my homeboys is this: ALL MEN ARE NOT CREATED EQUAL. They are all different and have traits that make some smoother than others, some stronger than others, and some better for YOU than others would be. But at the end of the day, men have their own needs and feelings too. Most of the time, females don’t really take the time to consider these things, but hopefully, after reading this article, more of us will take a closer look at men and their thoughts on relationships.
Sexual Seduction Quiz | Features
exualllll Seductionnnnn Qu iz
5. What are your general feelings about guys’/girls? (Your dating preference) A. They are players and idiots! What else is new? B. I’m so obsessed with them! C. I’m currently killing one D. I’m usually picky 6. Are you currently dating? A. What the hell is dating? Doesn’t exist in college B. Of course! Caught a good one with beauty and brains, oww! C. Yes, only to get close enough to kill him/her D. Still looking…
1.How do men/women react when you look at them? A. They drool and whistle!...dogs…*rolls eyes* B. They wink and smile! I love it! C. They quickly run away, like I’m a devil! D. They usually approach me
7. What do you usually buy your boyfriend/girlfriend? A. Uhh, nothing. I give my gifts in the bedroom and that’s enough B. Anything s/he wants, usually C. Nothing, I don’t have a boy/girlfriend D. Small cute things, I usually have a budget
2. When talking to you, which of the following words do guys/girls usually use to compliment you? A. Hot/sexy B. Beautiful/gorgeous/attractive C. I never get compliments D. Cute/adorable
8. Do you feel like you always bicker/argue with your boyfriend/girlfriend? A.Yup! B. Not at all, we’re so similar C. That’s the reason why I’m single D. Yeah, but that’s what makes our relationship strong
3. What are you most likely to do to turn a guy/girl on? A. Wear something revealing B. Kiss him/her softly C. Ew, that’s just dirty D. Talk dirty to them
9. Will you do anything to please your boyfriend/ girlfriend? A. Nope! In order to keep me, I have to be pleased! B. Not sure how far I would be willing to go C. All the time! D. Not unless we’re married!
4. Which of these best applies to you? A. Out hurting guys’/girls’ feelings, On to the next one! B. Dating guys/girls. They’re so hot! C. Getting dumped. I have no idea why? D. None
10. Do you enjoy spending time with your boyfriend/girlfriend? A. No B. Always! C. What boyfriend/girlfriend? D. Sometimes
Mostly Bs: Boy/Girl Charmer When it comes to seducing a man/woman, you are as innocent as a baby and pure as the driven snow. You feel uncomfortable putting yourself out there and prefer to play it safe and let the guys/girls do all the work. Shyness can be appealing, but be careful that you don’t come across as uninterested! Mostly As: Sensual Seductress You have mastered the fine art of seduction without being overly aggressive. You realize that being seductive is more about sensuality than sexuality and when you work your talents, you put all the other guys/girls to shame.
How Sexy/Seductive Are You? ! s t l Resu
May 2011 | 17
Mostly Ds: Submissive Sweetheart You are smack dab in the middle when it comes to seduction territory. There are times when you do or say what you feel and times when you lay low and let the guys/girls come to you. There is a certain allure in your submissive side but don’t be afraid to be a little more assertive when you really want someone! Mostly Cs: You are someone men/women avoid. You may not be ready for the dating world- or perhaps you just haven’t found the right one yet!
Health and Beauty |Secrets to a Flawless Face
Secrets to a Flawless Face By: Matilda Ceesay
Why do celebrities always look perfect on TV but when you Google pictures of them without makeup they have the same exact flaws as you?
They have the checkbook to hire the world’s best makeup artist. Granted most of us don’t have the large bank accounts to hire a professional makeup artist to have us looking our best, but hopefully I can give you some tricks to get you closer to perfection. We all have a basic understanding of the “Power” of makeup but we don’t maximize on the tools we have. If I’m going to talk about makeup I guess there is no better place to start than how to perfect the bare canvas that is the skin. The first and most important thing is to make sure you have the correct shade of foundation, concealer and/or powder. Go to any makeup counter or store and they will help you find your perfect shade for FREE! If you cannot afford to buy makeup from a department store you can always ask for a free sample. Then once you have your exact color in hand you can go to a local drug, beauty, or supermarket store and buy a cheaper brand in that exact shade. You might not have the same exact coverage or consistency but now you have the right color and can figure out how much you have to apply to get the same effect. Once you have the right tools in hand, you can start with application. Personally I like to start with foundation because it is the fastest way to even out my imperfections and I don’t have to worry about messing up any corrective work I do with my concealer. It’s best to use a light to medium coverage, liquid or cream foundation and apply it lightly with a sponge
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Always get a concealer that is a shade lighter than what you think you will need
Secrets to a Flawless Face |Health and Beauty
If you still feel the need to give your face more coverage then use a concealer. SECRET TIME! Always get a concealer that is a shade lighter than what you think you will need. Look at this way, if you are painting or coloring a picture it is better and easier to use a light canvas. If you are painting on a dark canvas whatever you paint is going to look darker and duller while a light base will give you the exact color you want. If you need more evidence think about this just remember, PAINT PRIMER ONLY COMES IN WHITE. This tip is very important for covering under eye dark circles and other forms of discoloration. Like foundation I recommend using your fingers to apply concealer because the warmth will help it blend into your skin. The final step in doing your base makeup is also the easiest but most important part of the process. Many people can skip either using foundation or concealer but everyone should use powder. You don’t need concealer if you have light discoloration all over your face that can be covered up with foundation. You don’t need foundation if you generally have good skin but have specific areas of heavy discoloration where you just apply concealer. And if you are one of the lucky people with perfect skin you use a little bit of powder to add extra pigment and life to your skin. A lot of girls on campus use MAC Studio Fix Powder Plus Foundation. If you have that product, your makeup routine is shorter. All you have to do is to put on some concealer where you need it and then use your MAC Studio Fix Powder Plus Foundation as a powder. Use a brush or Powder puff to apply powder all over your face, neck, ears and shoulders if necessary. You don’t want a clear distinction between where your makeup stops and skin begins. Add a little bit of pigment on your brush or puff for your neck but don’t add color for your ears and shoulders. You should have remnants of color on your bristles that is enough to make sure that your ears are not a different color than the rest of your face when you take a picture. Make sure to use a LIGHT HAND EVERY STEP of the way. You don’t want your makeup to look caked on nor do you want to mess up the work you did previously. Doing your base makeup is the hardest and most important part of any makeup routine. Once your skin is flawless everything else you do looks great! For tips on Eyes, eyebrows, cheeks, and lips watch out for the next issue of IMARA!
May 2011 | 19
Relationships | Long Distance Long Term
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any of us take on certain hobbies and interests in the course of our college careers. We play a sport, start a club, join an e-board, or even commit to a new hairstyle over those four unique years of worry-free bliss and irresponsibility. The activities and decisions we make in college play a small role in defining a moment in time when we discover exactly who we are and what we will value going out into the real world. We get asked about our majors, favorite professors, and course loads, but one question I continue to get is this— You’ve
been dating the same guy for four years? Honey, are you all right? My answer is immediately yes, I’m completely sane and committed myself to the same long-term relationship from the very beginning to (hopefully, fingers crossed, knock on wood) the end of my college career. On top of that, my relationship has been long term, making it seem like the ultimate form of self-punishment!
How did I do it? I’m less interested in the answer to
this question, but more inclined to point out that it can be done. It may seem like an anomaly, but many young college women are choosing the long distance option once they get a taste of the college campus-dating scene. Long distance relationships leave your heart constantly longing for a feeling and embrace that only comes once a month, if you’re lucky. Dealing with the distance is one thing, but what about staying committed? First, let me point out so delicately that Cornell does not always present us with the selection of males we feel like we deserve (not my words, just what I heard on the streets!). For this reason, temptation to cheat or date around is not always an issue for those of us long distance, long-term relationships. Let me also say in defense of the male gender that there are in fact a few quality guys on this campus. They may
not always come in the package we anticipate, but that does not mean they don’t have much to bring to the table. But it seems like in the college arena com-
mitted, faithful relationships lose value and become less frequent. This is not particularly a bad thing, but could be in part due to the fact that dating someone short-distance rather than long can equally be a source of dissension. By dating someone at your University, you run the risk of growing extremely tired of each other and becoming distracted. However, I know plenty of ladies who have the on-campus relationship down to a science. So I’ve mentioned long-distance, short-distance, and longterm relationships. What about short-term ones? Short-term relationships or hook ups are part of the constant theme of the college experience. Discovering who and what you like is part of one’s growth in these short four years, and often help determine who you’ll chose ultimately as your serious
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L
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DISTANCE
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by: Lauren Elliot
boyfriend or husband. Have I lost out on this growth experience as a result of committing to just one person, my dear Dexter, for such a long period of time? Many would say I have. In fact, I’ve had several gentlemen tell me that it was time for me to end my relationship because I haven’t had the opportunity to grow and test the waters. My take on it is this…if I see a fish in said “waters” who can offer me more and better than the relationship God has already blessed me with, then perhaps said “fish” is worth exploring. I simply haven’t come across that fish, nor am I looking. The thing for me was this… I feel that God led me
into the relationship I’m in, and it’s brought me more joy that I could ever have imagine (not to
sound sappy or anything). Cornell is place that can easily discourage hope in love. Many of my friends (you know who you are!) have told me time and time again dudes suck, and so does love, and believe me I’ve been there just like almost any girl I know. I never imagined or planned to be in a relationship throughout college. I was always the girl in high school who was single and watched her friends date, be wooed, and get caught up in puppy love. But I have one wish for every girl like me who at some point has been heart broken and disappointed by our unpredictable male counterparts. And that is to be led to someone worth sacrificing your plans and dreams for something even better. Sure, it would have been easier to not commit to this relationship. But I feel that the reward of my commitment is much greater than the alternative. Am I suggesting that everyone adopt long-distance, long-term relationships? Absolutely not! In fact, they’re much too hard so avoid them at all costs . However, in choosing your next mate, be sure to weigh the sacrifices, potential rewards, and say a prayer… it could be a bumpy ride!
Food for Thought |Features
: t h g u o h T r o df
o FoAfrican Politics
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by: Catherine Seya
hat Africa has seen this year are some of the most interesting, yet complex situations in world’s politics. For many years, the northern Arabic Sudanese have been in conflict with the southerners who are mostly Christians. BBC News has attributed more than 300,000 lives lost since the beginning of this crisis. In February of this year, thanks to a referendum, the two regions officially separated into two distinct countries. There is therefore one additional country that will be drawn on the African map starting in July. Knowing that South Sudan holds most of the former country’s natural resources, international institutions feared that Omar Bachir– the violent leader of former Sudan- and many other northerners would be unwilling to accept the results of the urns through which 98% of southern Christian southerners were in favor of the separation. Fortunately, though some violence was observed lately in South Sudan, the decision seems like it will be respected. On the other side of the continent, in West Africa, Côte-d’Ivoire has been led by two presidents since November 28th 2010. Gbagbo Laurent, the outgoing president, accused the party of Allassane Ouattara, his adversary, to have violated the legality of the elections by including illegitimate voters in the process; Gbagbo believes that there were more ballots counted than registered voters in the northern pro-Ouatarra part of the country. Nevertheless, Allassane has been officially elected president with 54 % of the votes. This result was given by the country’s electoral committee (CEI), and approved by the United Nations Operation in Côte-d’Ivoire (UNOCI). The CEI is obligated to give the provisory results of the elections no more than three days after the day of the elections. On the Wednesday following the elections, while preparing to give the electoral results on the national television in live, the committee’s spokesman was physically impeded by some of Gbagbo’s delegates. Thus, the president of the committee, instead of its spokesman, resigned to the Hotel in which Ouattara stays which is protected by the United Nations forces, in order to safely announce the results. Laurent Gbagbo and the members of his party considered this announcement illegal because it did not meet the legal requirements in which provisory results should be given. Keep in mind that this committee was physically impeded
by Gbagbo’s men. The outgoing president’s party demanded for the Constitutional Council of Côte-d’Ivoire to give another “credible” result. This Constitutional Council, formed mostly of Laurent Gbagbo’s supporters, canceled the votes of more than half a million Ivorians in the northern regions and gave victory to Gbagbo with 51% of the electoral votes. The Ivorian Constitution does not permit partial cancelling of the votes. Côte-d’Ivoire’s present case is a very difficult one because the former president, Gbagbo, is still in control of the military and is presently enrolling young adults into the military. Hundreds of innocent people lost their lives since the beginning of this crisis. Some were taken away by force due to false accusations, some killed during peaceful protests, or others by stray bullets. Hundreds of thousands of people have left their homes in search of safer places. Banks are closed in most of the country, and there are very few means to transfer money to our struggling families there. Just like Libya, many people believe that only a military intervention against Gbagbo would stop him from continuing this autocratic behavior; I am among these people. In Libya however, international institutions have been less reluctant to use foreign military interventions to protect civilians from the violent Kadhafi. The reason why a similar intervention has been difficult to effectuate in my country is because the outgoing president has a great number of people supporting him; especially the southern Christians who strongly believe that Ouattara was very implicated in the rebellion which started in 2002 and divided the country in two. Kadhafi, who believes he owns Libya, is very reluctant to leave and he is willing to fight cruelly against those opposing him. Though this country is going through a rough yet delicate time, the outcome of the struggle will be a victory that cannot be neglected. I see the after-Kadhafi Libya as a new free country that will head toward the real principles of democracy. This also applies to all the Maghrebian and Middle-eastern countries that are fighting and protesting for justice this year. It all started in Tunisia-a country in which I have lived myself and have seen the reality of the people, and spread to Egypt, Yemen, Bahrain, Libya etc...I, a supporter of true democracy, want to see the voices of Africans represented by their chosen leaders, and I know that most Africans will soon choose to head toward this form of representation. As Obama once said while on a trip in Ghana, Africans need not strong people but strong institutions. Therefore, despite the continuous struggles that we all see on T.V concerning Africans, we should not give up our hopes, but optimistically believe in the positive outcome that is waiting for us. After the rain, comes the rainbow.
May 2011 | 21
Sptolights | Senior Couple: Kamar and Miriam
Senior Couple Spotlight
Kamar Williams and Miriam D. Marshall Horoscope Signs: Kamar is a Virgo and I am a Cancer. How long have you been dating? It’ll be 4 years on August 17th of this year. We started dating right after PSP. What attracted you to your partner? It was a physical attraction first, but it was truly his personality that drew me to him. What is your advice to a healthy and good relationship? Definitely good communication and trust. If you can’t trust each other, you can’t grow as a couple. Of course, obtaining that trust takes time, but having it can help you get through tough times. Communication is also important in our relationship. We’re really open and we encourage each other to speak our minds about anything. What actions do you recommend to do if you are angry at your partner? Before you talk to your partner, definitely take time to yourself to think about the situation...go over exactly how you feel and gather your thoughts. After you calm down, sit together and talk it out without arguing...listen to what the other person has to say and try to understand their point of view. What are some fun date ideas that you would recommend? Anything that can make your bond stronger. Kamar and I like to just sit on the couch and just talk for hours. We like to take walks and definitely do random activities together. It’s pretty hard trying to find time for each other when Cornell is so time consuming, so we just cherish every moment we have together even if it’s between classes or on the weekends. As far as fun dates go, go-kart racing, amusement parks, or just going on walks are cool. Do you really believe in love at first sight....or does love need to mature once you get to know the person? Personally I don’t believe in love at first sight. Kamar and I actually did not get along originally, but somehow we got over our differences and became friends. Eventually, our friendship developed into a deep appreciation for each other, helping us build what we have today.
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“Friendly” Competition | Frenemies
“Friendly” Competition:
The Decline of Female Relationships
Once upon time, women were known as the ‘fairer’ (just, rational, delicate) sex. They were polite, respectful and regarded sisterhood above all else. In those days of yore, women uplifted their fellow female comrades. They respected each other and bonded over their most biologically apparent commonality—their gender. In our current day and age, the fabric of sisterhood and female community has been shredded beyond recognition. Our relationships with one another are targeted by various enemies, but we women are attacked by one nemesis in particular; her name is Competition. Women have a tendency to let Competition get in the way of their friendships. What is the explanation for this gender specific phenomenon? What is so different about male friendships from female friendships that cause women to throw one another under the bus over the smallest of issues while men easily let said issues slide off their backs? Could it simply be that women are just petty? Insecure? More emotional? Or, is it something deeper? Historically, women were conditioned to compete with one other in a socio-economic version of ‘survival of the fittest’. Women had to make sure they were prettier and more becoming or enticing than the next girl to catch the eye of a well-to-do man and secure their place in society. The necessity of a man in female progression is arguably non-existent today, but the competition still goes on, spurred by the fear that another woman who is prettier, skinnier or curvier, funnier or smarter, or has better hair will threaten our chances at success, love, or social status, inevitably bruising our egos.
by: Kimberly Kerr
etc., for entertainment purposes. A large percent of dramas revolve around female rivalry at some point in a show, and understandably so. In theory it is fun to watch, but in real life, our tendency to compete ultimately destroys any chance women have for ever truly forming some sort of sisterhood. However we do not have to be eternally doomed to being the victims or culprits of the ugly manifestations of female competition. To improve our relationships with our female friends, we must first let go of our egos. We have to come to terms with the fact that there will always be a woman out there who we will be bested by in some aspect, no matter how big or small; no one can dominate in every area of life. Women almost always will perceive other women to be more attractive, have a more appealing body shape, or have a more enticing personality.
Whatever the case may be, acknowledge it and move on because once you start to compare you start to compete. We have to be able to focus on our own strengths without juxtaposing them with another woman’s weaknesses. Sure, it may be an ego-boost, but doing so forces women to rely on another woman’s limitations in order to appreciate her own strengths; this means that these women need the weaknesses of other women to validate them. Additionally, we must stop mentally giving other women, especially our friends, the imaginary power to destroy us. We have to stop seeing other women who threaten our ego as potential thieves. Not everyone is out to deter us from achieving a certain status or goal. But when we hone in on what makes our friends ‘better’ than ourselves, we involuntarily imagine them dethroning ourselves as Queen Bees of our own little universe. Fierce competition between women calls into ques- Our paranoia and fear kicks in and we either submistion if the concept of the fairer sex is still in exis- sively resign or, in most cases, instinctively compete. tence. It is not uncommon to find rivalry amongst female relationships; it has existed for centuries. But All joking and feminist arguments aside, we women over time, what was once nearly harmless competi- are beautiful, determined, and truly the fairer sex. tion has evolved into a contest, rife with underhand- However in the midst of a competition between edness and backstabbing ways; ending in tears and friends, we become the fairer sex with fangs. Perangry fists full of weave, secrets, lies and ‘frene- haps in a new day and age, this war between friends mies’—a term undoubtedly coined by a woman. Ad- and frenemies alike will cease; but until then, our inditionally, TV producers have capitalized on wom- dividual efforts to lose our egos and accept our shorten’s proneness to contend with one another through comings will help us along the way. shows like Bad Girls Club, Flava Flav, The Bachelor May 2011 | 23
Features | Diva Speaks
diva SPEAKS I’m having an issue with a friend that has gotten really SERIOUS! She and I have been friends and roommates for the past three years and I feel like it’s time I found a way to tell her that her hygiene leaves a lot to be undesired. It’s even become hard to be near her lately. I don’t want to ruin or jeopardize our friendship in any way, but I’m concerned that she has no idea that her B.O. is noticeable and offensive. It’s hard for me to decide how to approach this conversation with her, but at this point I’m starting to hear others talk about it too and I don’t want her to end up with her feelings hurt or end up mad at me for never saying anything. What do I say? Signed, Friend from Afar
Dear Friend from Afar, This may sound harsh, but not as harsh as what your friend will experience if the rumors about her “aroma” ever get back to her and she realizes you knew all along. You only have two options. You can sit her down all alone and be as blunt with her as you possibly can. Let her know that you recognize that she may not realize it but other people do, and that as her friend you didn’t want anyone else to tell her. Or, you can anonymously drop the “Bomb.” I truly recommend the first approach since I’m big on honesty but from your letter it seems like you’ve been struggling with what to do for a long time now, and just telling her to her face isn’t the option you’re most comfortable with. In that case, I’d say go for Door #2. Leave a note, an anonymous voicemail, email her from an alias account, slip something under her dorm room door, or in her mailbox. Make sure the message is clear, concise and to the point. Express how great a person she is and that this message was written with good intentions and not malevolent ones. Say that while you do not want to hurt her feelings, you think it is in her best interest to address the problem as soon as possible. If this friend of yours is like most Cornellians, she is preparing to leave here one day soon and enter the real world and, more likely, the professional world. The truth is, people out there may not be as nice, and her B.O. could cost her big time in an environment where what you know is as important as the package it’s presented in. Take Home Message: Get through to her because having offensive B.O. is a problem but it’s one that can easily be rectified. And at the end of the day, what you want most is for her to fix it! 24 | Imara Magazine
Photo courtesy of Jillian Lyles
Dear DivaSpeaks,
Diva Speaks | Features
Dear DivaSpeaks, My question is short and straight to the point: one of my best friends literally gets falldown, throw-up, head-spinning, don’t-remember-what-happened-last-night DRUNK…every chance she gets! I drink too, recreationally, but her drinking is to the point that I don’t even want to go out with her anymore. I don’t want to ruin her good time but I always end up feeling like her Designated Baby-sitter, and the night always ends badly. Worse yet, I’m starting to be afraid for her safety. What can I do? Signed, SoberSally
Dear SoberSally, Since your question was short and straight to the point I will be too. All you can do is tell your friend how you feel. Just like you told me, be straightforward and let her know you no longer want to be her “Designated Baby-sitter”! Let her know that her failure to “think before she drinks” is making you extremely uncomfortable. Tell her that although she’s as much of an adult as you are, you’re concerned that she may find herself in a harmful situation if she doesn’t find a way to slow down her drinking habits. And lastly, make it crystal clear that you are not going to continue hanging out with her while she behaves like this every weekend. Be true to your word. The fact of the matter is that there are too many incidents where students we know or don’t know are putting themselves in harm’s way by consuming unsafe amounts of alcohol and do not know when to say “enough is enough”. It’s understandable for you to be concerned and it’s even more understandable for you to want no further involvement in her binge drinking episodes. Take Home Message: Put your foot down, don’t be afraid to tell her the cold hard truth, and don’t support her bad habits. You don’t want to be the one who lives to regret her bad decisions...or your own.
To contact DivaSpeaks, send an email to imaramag@gmail.com. May 2011 | 25
Cheating| Is that your Boyfriends
Is that Your Boyfriend? by: Kyeiwaa Amofa-Boachie
Change. Your lover is sleeping with other people because he or she does not feel the same way about you anymore. If you two are together and have tried everything under the sun to keep the relationship together but your lover is still not interested, letting them go is the best thing. If you refuse to wake up and smell the coffee, you unfortunately get things like this happening.
The two of you seem to have a really good relationship, and in your eyes, you two are on the same level. But for some, there comes a day when you find out that your lover has not been faithful with you, for reasons that fall under the three categories of Spice, Revenge, and Change. Of course, there can be combinations of these basic three reasons as to why someone cheats, but what one needs to generally look for in order for none of them to happen is for there to be a secure level of communication. As stressed earlier, communication is key. However, a lot of Spice. Your lover is sleeping with other people because they “can couples lack a strong sense of communication. Change is the do it better.” This is the highest of insults any lover can say to his most common reason why cheating occurs; the couple has or her partner, and once that line has been crossed it is difficult to not been communicating their thoughts and feelings enough get back. (or clearly) and as a result, someone in the relationship is scared of letting go because that person is still holding on to Revenge. Your lover is sleeping with other people because he or the past. The sooner you come to terms with the fact that your she wants to get back at your for something you might have done. lover has changed, the easier it will be to let you two go your If you and your lover get into an argument and cheating is the separate ways, and the less of a chance you will stand from only means for them to get their point across, that relationship was undergoing the pain that is associated from having your lover not strong, and who knows what else your lover was capable of. cheat on you.
Just Friends
“Friends, how many of us have them?”
This famous question from the Hip hop classic “Friends” by Whodini points out how hard it is to find true friends and the ever present need to weed out the bad apples. Once you identify and move on from the toxic people in your circle, you are blessed with tried and true loyal friends that add brilliance and spice to your life. Often called BFF’s with several variations, these gems prove to be invaluable; especially in the high pressure environment of college. Whether it is social, academic or professional pressure, true friends can consistently provide encouragement, acceptance, honesty, and peace to get you out of a slump. Women often get a lot of flak about the way they relate to each other from cattiness to grudges to top secret sabotage. Unfortunately this side of female relationships is portrayed heavily in movies such as Mean Girls. This portrayal may be a tad more entertaining but it hardly includes the way all women handle their allies and rivals. In actuality female friendships can be a rewarding and beautiful bond that lasts forever. To reflect on this empowering discovery, I would like to reveal some of my top fictional BFF’s. These girls aren’t real, but we can all relate to their highs, lows, and fabulousness.
26 | Imara Magazine
Just Friends | Articles by: Jasmine Wade
Sex and the City: Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte, Miranda Stylish and iconic, this group of friends navigates the complexities of love and dating. Even though they each have very different personalities and views of relationships, they still manage to create a bond that it truly inspirational. Who could forget Sex in the City the movie when Samantha, Charlotte, and Miranda accompany a heartbroken Carrie on her honeymoon after she is left at the altar? Living Single: Khadija, Synclaire, Régine, Maxine These hilarious BFFs kept us laughing with their antics and relationship mishaps. Greys Anatomy: Meredith Grey and Cristina Yang Meredith summed up their whole relationship when she said “Cristina, Derek may be my husband, but you are my soulmate.” Need I say more? Girlfriends: Joan, Mya, Toni, Lynn Often called the black Sex and the City, Girlfriends could make us laugh at their comedic scenarios and cry with them in their defeat. From the “den mother”-like personality of Joan to the self-indulgent habits of Toni, Girlfriends always kept us intrigued and hungering for more.
Love Should Not Mean Fear | Domestic Abuse
Love Should Not Mean Fear by: Sheretta Noel
We see it take place everywhere: the latest Law & Order episode, Lifetime movies, Hollywood movies, and sometimes in our own families or the lives of those around us. According to statistics, domestic abuse is the leading cause of injury to women between the ages of 15 and 44. Every 15 seconds another woman is abused and the most common place for it to take place in is their own home. Clearly, domestic abuse is a prevalent part of our society. We know that anyone is capable of becoming a victim yet when the first sign of abuse emerges in a relationship, we are quick to brush it off, deny it or excuse what occurred. It is important to note that doing so is dangerous and may lead to a pattern of behaviors that result in serious injury or death.
No one should live in fear of the person whom they claim to love. No matter how many good qualities a person may have you should not try to use those as an excuse to cover up any signs that show that this person is abusive. There is always someone else who is not abusive and has the same good qualities. Sometimes as women, we want to believe we are being strong and independent within our relationships. We believe that we will always walk away when the relationship is no longer right; however, we can easily become victims before we even realize that we are. If you feel as though a relationship that you’re in doesn’t feel quite right, the best choice that you can make is to talk to someone about how you feel and what you’re experiencing before it leads to physical abuse. Acknowledging the signs is always the first step to ending abuse. The first warning signs of domestic abuse do not necessarily have to be getting hit by your partner or any other physical act. Although being pushed, slapped, kicked or punched by your partner is a clear sign of abuse, there can also be verbal or psychological abuse. If your partner makes you feel fear in which you constantly
monitor your words or actions so that you don’t make them become “upset” with you, this should be carefully looked at. If your partner constantly tries to control your actions such as whom you talk to and when you talk to them, how you dress or where you go, these are signs that your relationship may become abusive. Furthermore, if your partner constantly calls you names, puts you down, or makes you feel insecure about who you are rather than uplift you as a beautiful young woman, these are signs of abuse. If you or someone you know is in a relationship with these signs--SPEAK UP and don’t hesitate to reach out! There is always help available no matter the circumstances before it becomes too late.
May 2011 | 27
And Lets Not Forget... We Would Like To Thank our advisor: Dr. Renee Alexander And everybody else that helped to make this issue a success!
The IMARA woman is... Cosmopolitan by nature She is modern by choice She is a queen by birthright She holds the puissance of Cleopatra The confidence of Nefertiti The allure of Aphrodite She embodies the Agape Theon She is the progeny of Isis She is fervent and resolute She is stronger than the strongest diamond And just as precious She is flirty, fun and fleeting She is a scholar, an athlete and a leader She excels, she succeeds, she overachieves She is the personification of IMARA Do you have what it takes for IMARA?
Want To Be Part of Something Great? Than IMARA needs YOU! We need photographers, writers, reporters, make up artists, designers, If your interested in working on IMARA at all, email imaramag@gmail.com for more info, contact any of the eboard members today! 28or | Imara Magazine
IMARA is an independent student organization located at Cornell University, produced, and is responsible for the content of, this publication. This publication was not reviewed or approved by, nor does it necessarily express or reflect the policies or opinions of, Cornell University or its designated representatives. Funded by Cornell University SAFC