Interpreting a Skip’s Language

Interpreting a Skip’s Language

— What their words of wisdom really mean

George Bernard Shaw once said, “The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place”. Nothing is so simple that it can’t be misunderstood. As a consequence, the best Skips try to be effective communicators, motivators and tacticians.

Communication is something we all do and something which can prove quite humorous or quite hurtful. Words quickly get misinterpreted or misunderstood. Luckily, it’s not an everyday occurrence. Nonetheless, it’s something we can easily find humour in.

Let’s explore the underlying meaning that may be inherent in some of the comments made by our Skips:

“Good weight!” – One out of two is about as useful as a one-armed juggler. What a lousy line.

“Good line” – One out of two is about as useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle. What lousy weight.

“Good back bowl” – At least you’re not short again and it could prove useful – still it’s as useful as rubber lips on a woodpecker.

“That could be useful up there” – Hope lies eternal in the human breast. That bowl is as useful as a corkscrew at an AA meeting.

“You'll get it next time” – As long as you do something completely different. As useful as a chocolate tea pot.

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“You were skinny and short again! Cut the weight and cut the grass”

– I only say this to completely confuse you. That’s probably the only way that will help you do everything differently.

“Plonk one here” – Please keep out of the head to minimize the damage you have done so far.

“That was an absolute bomb” – I’m about to explode – in fact that’s as useless as a knitted condom.

“Hooley Dooley” – An expression of surprise and amazement.

“I’ll do the firing thank you” – I presume that was an attempted draw from my Lead.

“You’re ending up in a good spot” – Only through divine intervention!

“Every bowl pleases someone” – Yours mostly please the opposition.

“I don’t go that far in my caravan” – I feel like a holiday right now.

“Good shot – we need one there” - It was a bloody awful shot but I’m trying to patronise you without you realising it. They may as well put ejection seats in helicopters.

“Make up your own mind” – You normally do.

“If you fell into a bag of nipples you would come up sucking your thumb” – I think he might be suffering from old age child syndrome.

“If your aunty had bowls, she’d be your uncle” –That bowl is about as useful as a dead dingo’s donger.

“We are playing for a dead chook not a sheep station” – Get on with the game because I’m getting thirsty.

“That was a bit of a pineapple” – Wobble occurs if the coaxial engraved rings of the bowl are not parallel with the direction of delivery. Struth I’m bored. While the bowl’s funny to watch it’s not very useful.

"Your last five bowls have all been short. Listen to your bowls" – A Skipper’s lot is not a happy one.

Finally, when a Skip says “Extractus indexus” remember that this Latin quotation is used when they want you to pull your finger out of your bum and get a bowl in the head.

All right Skips, we may be exaggerating the meaning behind some reported comments for a bit of fun. But we should always remember that when and how we communicate on the green should be a considered approach designed to inform, motivate or stimulate a real person with feelings and aspirations. Saying something for the sake of saying something is a waste of everyone’s time. Some thoughts to consider:

√ Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit √ Body language matters √ Be brief, yet specific √ Think before you speak. Remember bowlers have eyes and minds and don’t need you to commentate the path of a bowl or to state the bleeding obvious! Everyone knows when their bowl is short or wide and so there is no need to tell them and everyone else in earshot. – Adapted by Brian Lucas from Neville Odell’s second book – “A Tad More Grass”

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Remember that a Skipper's body language is important

A Skipper without a sense of humour A depressed Skipper wondering how to get through the "Great Wall of China