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Published by: Marc Belsky Ltd Editor: Shani Belsky
Health Atchoo! [10] What’s Up (With My Back), Doc? [16] I’m Not Losing Weight Because... [20]
Product Review Gearing Up For Summer [24]
Fashion Secrets Your Wig Stylist Will Never Tell You [28]
Designs for Spring [34] How to Be Comfortable on Your Wedding Day [38]
Finance Reduce Your Auto Insurance Premium [40]
Philanthropy Putting the “Fun” in Fundraising [42] On Boards…Aiming for Moshe’s Model [48]
Photogrophy Take Beautiful Outdoor Pictures [52]
Food Spring Has Sprung! [54]
Dating Ask The Shadchan [58]
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Contributing Editors: Robert van Amerongen, M.D., Diana Braun, Miriam Eichenstein, Yisrael Friedman, Leah Helfgot, Michelle Jacobs RPA-C, Moshe Kinderlehrer, Dayna Klinger & Cindy Merrill, Tova Marc, Martin Meisels, Tanya Rosen, Riki Wagh, Shonie Schwartz Design & Layout: Sam Belsky Marketing: Barry David Distribution: Victor Distribution Please submit all questions and comments to: Info@InFashionFT.com For advertising information please call
516-499-8356
or email Sales@InFashionFT.com In Fashion is published monthly and is distributed at 170 locations throughout the affluent communities of the Five Towns, Brooklyn, Queens, and Great Neck. Not responsible for typographical errors. The publisher and In Fashion do not promote or endorse any products or advertisers in this magazine. No editorial or art content may be reproduced without prior written consent from the publisher. All rights reserved. The publisher reserves the right to refuse any editorial or advertising content that does not fit our journalistic and advertising policy.
All rights reserved ©2010 Marc Belsky Ltd.
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[ Atchoo! ] –Seasonal Allergies and What You Can Do to Feel Better
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t’s the beginning of allergy season— that time of year where there is something in the air that makes you sneeze, wheeze, and feel simply miserable all day. What is an allergy? An allergy by nature is characterized by an overreaction of the immune system to a foreign substance (“allergen”) that is eaten, breathed into the lungs, injected, or touched. In the case of seasonal, or outdoor, allergies, the allergy is caused by airborne pollens from trees, grasses, flowers, and weeds. Allergy season typically kicks off in the spring and fall when certain trees or grasses pollinate. When pollen season starts and how long it lasts varies throughout the country. Allergies caused by pollen and other allergens affect 40 million Americans and cost more than $1 billion in annual treatment costs. Although it’s usually not a dangerous condition, it can be very uncomfortable and can severely disrupt their daily activities. How does an allergy reaction occur? In allergies, airborne pollen from various seasonal plants—or, in some cases, spores from mold—enter the body through the eyes, nose, or throat, and trigger an allergic reaction. Normally, the immune system does not respond to 10
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mild substances like pollen and mold. But in sensitive individuals, the body’s defense mechanism views these allergens as it would an infectious agent and mounts an attack. Once the immune system has detected the “invader,” it unleashes a cascade of chemicals such as histamine and other compounds resulting in localized inflammation that leads to irritation and discomfort. The symptoms of allergic reaction begin 5 to 10 minutes after allergen exposure, subside within an hour, and may return two to four hours later.
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Don’t buy over-the-counter medications that don’t alleviate your allergy symptoms. There are many types of treatments, including antihistamines, decongestants, nasal sprays, and eye drops, and there are even several subcategories within these categories. Each subcategory targets a different kind of allergy and causes different kinds of side effects. Consult your allergist.
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Don’t wait until symptoms start to take allergy medications. Before your spring allergy is in full bloom, begin taking a medication that has worked for you in the past.
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Take steps to avoid allergy triggers. Experts suggest people allergic to pollen should keeps their windows closed, shower after being outside, wash your clothes after being outside, and avoid going out in the middle of the day when pollen counts are the highest.
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If raw or fresh fruits or other foods aggravate your allergy symptoms and make your mouth, throat, or lips itch, you may have oral allergy syndrome. This condition affects about onethird of seasonal allergy sufferers. While cooking or peeling these foods may help, it is best to consult an allergist. [IF]
Is there a cure? While allergies cannot be cured, people with allergies should be able to find relief. But according to the American College of Allergy, Asthma, and Immunology, outdoor-allergy sufferers may be making some common mistakes that make it difficult for them to find relief. Before the allergy season kicks into high gear, consider these tips to prevent symptoms: •
Don’t assume you know exactly what you are allergic to. More than two-thirds of people who think they only have allergies during the springtime actually suffer from yearround allergies. An allergist can pinpoint your exact triggers and then recommend the best treatment for you.
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[ What’s Up (With My Back), Doc? ] By: Shimon Metz, DC
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o your back is hurting. Or your neck. Maybe it’s been hurting for a long time, or maybe you woke up this morning hanging off the bed with your kid’s foot in your face. Maybe you bent over to tie your shoe, and now you’re stuck in that position with a permanent view of your footwear. No matter how it happened, what you really want to know is...what’s wrong? And what can I do about it, and how long will it take to get better? First, in order to understand what’s wrong, it helps to understand a bit about your back. So, here’s a crash course in anatomy. Your spine is a marvel of engineering—it has 26 bones, or vertebrae, 24 of which are freely movable. Between almost every vertebra is a disc, which acts as a combination shock absorber, spacer, and bearing. The spine also features over 120 separate joints throughout its length, to allow for smooth and fine-tuned movement in a variety of directions and positions. The vertebral column is tightly held together by strong ligaments running
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along its length. Layers of muscles, some as long as the spinal column itself and others only an inch or two, move the spine in a myriad of different positions. This biomechanical masterpiece supports your head and your body, and allows you to move! But it does more than that; the column of intricately shaped bones forms a tunnel along its interior, through which your spinal cord runs from the brain. This cord of nerves is the main highway along which messages travel from your brain to anywhere else in your body. The exit ramps from the main highway of the spinal cord are the nerve roots, which exit between the vertebrae, near their joints, and then along to wherever the nerve travels. So What’s Wrong? Back pain is almost universal in the population—according to several studies, 80-95% of adults will experience at least one episode of severe back pain at some point in their lives. That’s pretty much F a s h i o n
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everybody! And back pain has different causes—genetics play a role, and so does occupation, activity level, weight, and even mental state. We sit too long, eat too much, and don’t exercise enough. This all sets the stage for an episode of back pain. Very often, mechanical back pain happens when the moving parts of the spine get stuck; this can happen gradually or with a sudden quick movement, or while overexerting, causing the small muscles to over-respond and seize up. Also, as we get older, the spine can degenerate, or begin to show wear and tear; the joints get rougher and tend not to move as well. The pain can be local, limited to the back or neck area, or it can travel into an arm or leg, sometimes with a pins-and-needles feeling or numbness—this usually means that a nerve is being “pinched,” or irritated. Pain from the lower back down the back of the leg is known as sciatica, as the sciatic nerve is irritated. I’m sure you’ve also heard the term “slipped disc.” Well, discs don’t really “slip,” but they can bulge or tear. You can think (continued on page 18)
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of the disc as kind of like a jelly donut; it has a soft jelly-like center surrounded by tough outer layers. The tough outer layer (donut) is thinner towards the back, and discs tend to wear out with age and strain. Sometimes they bulge and put pressure on nerves. Sometimes a strain, like lifting, bending, or even coughing, or an accident, like a fall, can cause the thinner part of the “donut” to tear or crack, allowing the “jelly” inside to protrude and irritate delicate nerves and other tissues. This can cause local or traveling pain and other symptoms.
So What Can You Do?
for sudden back pain has been shown in many studies to be at least as effective as other treatments—and in other studies, even more effective. The important thing is not to ignore your symptoms; the sooner you get treatment, the sooner you can start getting better. An Ounce of Prevention It’s been said that “an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.” In other words, best to do whatever you can to not get back pain in the first place! Here are a few tips to prevent back pain: •
Keep It Cool For pain that starts suddenly, many people use a heating pad or take a hot shower. However, this can make the problem worse. Sudden pain is caused by inflammation (see the word “flame” in there?), which can be worsened by heat. Instead, put an ice pack wrapped in a cloth on the area for around ten minutes, and repeat every half hour or so. This will reduce the inflammation.
Exercise. Exercise will help you lose weight more quickly; 20 minutes of moderate cardio exercise, like jogging, using an elliptical, or spinning, daily will give your weight loss a boost. For strength training, calisthenics like pushups and pull-ups instead of weights and machines reduce your risk of injury. Yoga with a qualified instructor is excellent for building strength and flexibility.
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Strengthen Your Core. Your core abdominal muscles stabilize your spine and help prevent everything from sagging forward. Forget sit-ups—most people do them incorrectly, and they are not effective when done wrong. Better exercises are called planks, where you position your body as if it were a board, prone and sideways. This targets the deeper stomach muscles that help stabilize your spine. You can find good plank exercises online at abs-exercise-advice. com/plank.html.
Get Professional Help It’s best to see a professional right away, especially if the pain hasn’t gone or has worsened within a few days. Your chiropractor is trained to evaluate your problem, perform a full examination, and determine if you need an x-ray, MRI, or other tests. Chiropractors are also experts in the spine and use various approaches to treatment. In addition to different modalities like electrical therapy, ultrasound, and traction, chiropractic doctors use gentle maneuvers to nudge the stuck spinal bones back to normal alignment and movement. It takes time and patience, but chiropractic treatment 18
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Lose Weight. Every extra five pounds puts additional stress on not just your spine, but your knees, too. A large belly puts extra strain on the discs and joints, and can cause them to wear out faster. Lose weight effectively by eating smaller, more frequent healthy meals; snack on nuts and fresh fruit; eliminate regular soda, juice, and refined sugar; and really limit starches like pasta and bread.
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Get It Moving While it may be painful and difficult, in most cases of sudden spasm or strain, early movement is essential and won’t cause any damage. Studies have shown that more than 1-2 days of bed rest will actually make all the muscles weaker and the spine stiffer. So get up and move around.
of the thigh. These muscles run from the pelvis, the bone you sit on, to the lower leg under the back of the knee. These muscles tend to become tight and shortened, especially since many of us spend so much time sitting, with our knees bent. This can cause the hamstrings to put tension, or pull, on the pelvis, which in turn puts subtle tension on the lower back. The stage is now set for a possible strain injury of the lower back. A good way to stretch the hamstrings is to sit on the edge of a bed with one foot on the floor and the other straight out on the bed, with the knee fully straight. Reach forward and try to touch your toes. Don’t lunge forward or bounce, and hold the stretch for at least 20-30 seconds. Make sure you warm up a little for five minutes before stretching.
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Stretch, Stretch, Stretch. Stretching is very important, especially as we get older and our muscles become less flexible. One of the most important muscle groups to stretch for preventing back pain is the hamstrings, the muscles at the back
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See Your Chiropractor. Believe it or not, often the best time to see your chiropractor is before you have pain; just as it is important to see your dentist for a checkup and a cleaning even without tooth pain, a checkup by your chiropractor can detect a potential problem with an area of your spine. It doesn’t mean you have to keep coming back forever, but it can help stop potential problems before they start. Some people also have what they consider to be nagging mild pains that they think they “just have to live with.” But while aches, pains, and stiffness are a common part of life, they don’t have to be “lived with,” and can sometimes develop into bigger problems. So see your chiropractor regularly!
Here’s to healthier, pain-free living! [IF]
Dr. Shimon Metz is a chiropractor with offices in Cedarhurst, NY, and has over fifteen years of experience with back and neck pain, headaches, accidents, and other painful problems. He can be reached at doctormetz@gmail.com or (516) 509-0126 Disclaimer: The above is not intended as specific medical or health advice or to replace or constitute the care of a physician. For any specific problem, you should contact your own doctor or health practitioner.
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[ I’m Not Losing Weight Because... ] By: Tanya Rosen
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can be on. For example, if the average recommended weight for a 5’2 woman is 110 lbs, a small boned person can go as low as 100 while a big boned person can go as high as 120-125 lbs. ere are some of the excuses I’ve heard from people about why they are “Not losing weight”:
My metabolism is slow. Some people’s metabolism is slower than others’ but it is NOT a reason not to lose weight. One way to speed up your metabolism is to build muscle. This can be accomplished by performing resistance exercises using weights, bands, or just your own body weight. The more muscle you have in your body, the more fat you will burn throughout the day, and even at rest. Another way to speed up your metabolism is to eat small frequent meals. By doing that, your body will constantly have fuel and have what to burn, putting it at constant work. My genetics are against me/everyone in my family is heavy. While genetics plays a role in your weight tendencies, your lifestyle can outweigh (literally speaking) all that. What you eat and how much you exercise will be a stronger determining factor than what your parents’ weight is like.
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I’m building muscle. Many people mistakenly believe that since they are lifting weights, their newly acquired muscle will now add on significant weight. While muscle can add on a little weight, it is not significant enough to stop you from seeing the results of your dieting efforts. I’m eating the wrong foods. There are no “wrong foods,” only wrong portions. Yes, you can gain weight eating too much grilled chicken, and you can lose weight even while having a small piece of cake here and there. It’s all about balanced meals and proper portion sizes. So what CAN affect those numbers on the scale? Your bone mass. Take the thumb and pointer of one hand and put it around the wrist of your other hand. If they do not meet, you are big boned. If they just meet, you are medium boned. If they meet with some space between them and the wrist, you are small boned. All this does is it tells you what spectrum of the weight range you F a s h i o n
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Hormones. Before and during the menstrual cycle, a woman can weigh anywhere between1-4 pounds higher. Other examples of hormonal changes include puberty, menopause, and hormonal changes due to medications. Underactive thyroid. People with this condition have a very hard time losing weight, unless it is being treated with proper medication. Good luck on your weight loss journey, and remember to accurately differentiate between excuses and valid reasons. [IF] Tanya Rosen is the owner of Shape Fitness in Kensington and the co-owner of Shape Fitness in Flatbush. As a certified and experienced Personal Trainer, Aerobics Instructor, and Nutritionist, Tanya offers these three services to the community. Tanya specializes in prenatal and postnatal fitness, and is best known for her personal and caring approach towards every member of the Shape Fitness family. Tanya can be reached at (718) 438-2400, or (718) 338-8700.
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[ Gearing Up For Summer ] By: Miriam Eichenstein
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s summer gets closer, it’s time to get the gear to go along with it. Here are some great must-haves for your baby. The JJ Cole Essentials Blanket (above) is great for the entire family for many occasions. Whether you are going to the beach or the park, this 5-foot by 5-foot blanket is water resistant and machine washable, and makes a great place to put your baby down or the perfect place for a picnic. The outer fabric is durable and ideal for any surface while the inside lining wipes clean. This blanket is great for new moms, and any mom with young kids who spend time outdoors. The Essentials Blanket is available in three fun color choices that the whole family will love. As the sun shines brighter, it is time to protect your little ones from the harmful rays. For those strollers and carriages that don’t have an extendable canopy, leaving your child exposed to the bright sunshine, Protect-A-Bub has something to help. They made a canopy extension that works on most strollers. A larger canopy or canopy extension helps keep the sun from shining on you’re your baby. It is rated UPF 50, the highest rating possible for ultraviolet sun protection. The sun canopy is made of a specially woven polyester microfiber that is breathable and
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doesn’t retain heat. This helps keep the sun and its heat off your baby. Some strollers have their own fitted sunshades. Bugaboo makes a silver mesh extension for all of their stroller models. The sunshades that are made by the stroller companies fit nicer and look better that the more generic ones. If your stroller does not have one, a generic one is better than none. Dressing your baby in the hot weather is so much fun. Cute shorts and short sleeves are irresistible. One thing that makes a great addition for crawling and cruising babies is some type of footwear. Babies who are crawling, especially outdoors, need to keep their feet clean. And for babies who are cruising and starting to walk, you need to protect their feet from the dirt and stones on the ground outside. Robeez and Pedipeds have many different colors and styles of shoes so you can choose what best suits your baby. Whether you are looking for something cute and whimsical or pretty and fashionable, you will have plenty to choose from. You can also try the loafers by Trumpette. They add a big-kid look to your little one, completing almost every outfit. When out in the heat, a great addition to your stroller (if you don’t already have one) is a cup holder or two. Depending on your child’s age, a bottle or sippy cup is great to keep on hand so your child stays well hydrated. Same goes for Mom, even if it is to hold your ice coffee. Many strollers have their own cup holders, which most of the time are better than generic ones and not much more expensive. If you are looking for a generic cup holder, the Liquid F a s h i o n
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Holster works on most strollers and holds a nice size cup of coffee. Think King has a cup holder that is soft and can attach to different areas of the stroller. A great idea if your stroller has a bar but no tray is the Carry You Sienna Snack Tray or the Baby Jogger Belly Bar Console. It turns almost any bar into a snack tray. Another option for a place to put a sippy cup is the Carry You Sorrento. It’s a small mesh organizer about the size of one cup that can hold a cup, a snack, keys, a cell phone, or any number of things. It’s small and light and easily attaches by Velcro. It’s 6” wide by 8” long. There are so many places you can put one of these cup holders, so take as many as you need to suit your needs. For those of you still using a car seat/ snap-and-go as a stroller, a great outdoor item is a bug net that fits snuggly over your car seat without the extra mesh hanging over the whole stroller. The large bug nets do not fit tightly over the car seat and can easily get caught in the wheels of your snap and go. When you’re out strolling, sitting in the park, or just getting some fresh air, you want to keep the nasty mosquitoes, bees, and gnats away from your precious baby. A fitted bug net is exactly what you need. Just something to remember, keep your baby well hydrated and out of the sun! Have great summer! [IF] Miriam Eichenstein is the co-founder of Oh Baby! located at 1408 Coney Island Avenue in Brooklyn. She can be reached at 718-998-7373 or on the web at OhBabyGifts.com. If you have any questions or baby products you would like reviewed, please email miriam@ohbabygifts.com.
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[ Secrets Your Wig Stylist Will Never Tell You ] By: Gitel Rosenzweig
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was recently asked to speak to a group of women for a series of informative classes. I can’t take credit for the subject matter because it was given to me by the organizer, Tanya Rosen (a fellow In Fashion columnist!), but it generated so much attention that I’ve been asked to put it into writing. I was asked to give away a few secrets of the wig industry, and give a small tutorial on how to stay away from your wig stylist longer. The question and answer session generated more information than I had originally even planned to discuss, so I have even more to divulge. The Big Secret The first and most scandalous secret of the wig industry is that not every sheitel macher out there knows what they’re doing! In their defense though, many are great at one or another aspect of the business and some can even admit that they don’t know about other aspects. For instance, some stylists are really great with a pair of scissors and give a great cut, but it’s the same cut for every customer and has nothing to do with the customers’ 28
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faces and individual features. Or they can properly cut to suit every face that comes and goes from their salon, but know nothing about properly fitting a cap. Some know how to properly fit a cap but don’t have a sharp eye for color. Others may not have the years of experience or knowledge to tell the difference between different qualities of hair. The list goes on and on... Being a great sheitel macher requires many different aspects of a very diverse business. Cut, color, texture, fit, and construction are only the physical aspects of the wigs. Once those have been mastered, a stylist has to pick up on the personal feelings and taste of each client. While playing psychiatrist or therapist, they also play translator to pick up on certain key words that people may use to express their likes or dislikes: one person’s “body and bounce” may be another’s “too limp and lifeless.” There are plenty of stylists who are great with people but not with hair, too. All in all, it’s a tricky balance. The best are either the ones who can do it all (very few and far between, though) or those who can admit what they are good at and concede defeat F a s h i o n
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in the fields they know nothing about (this category includes the places that sell but don’t cut, or just do color and highlights, or fitting and repairs only but not new wig sales). The Dramatic Secret You can do your sheitel yourself and you don’t have to spend $3,000 on a class to do it. Most classes don’t give their students real hands-on practical experience. There are a few key tricks and important tips to actually washing and setting your sheitel. After that, it all depends on practice, practice, practice. Not all stylists will be willing, but some may allow you to hang around and watch them (or their staff) wash a few wigs to get the basics. But even without washing, a few basic tools can keep you looking fresh for longer and get more time between washes. Those tools will differ based on the style of each wig, but if you pay close attention to how your stylist does your wig, you will be able to decide which to invest in first. Also, your sheitel macher may be using very expensive tools, while you can probably
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get away with much cheaper versions for the once in a while you may be using it. (I’ve given more detailed instructions for washing and heat styling in past articles, so feel free to browse through them on In Fashion’s website: InFashionFT.com). Obviously, speaking about this particular topic in person was a little easier, because I could give out styling tips based on each individual’s style, but there are a few things that can be relayed on paper. For starters, practice on an old sheitel you don’t love anymore, so just in case you get something wrong, you won’t regret it. Also, use curling or straightening irons with variable heat settings, only on the lowest settings so that in case a section of hair comes out a little wrong it’s easier to redo. This will save you from having to rush it in to the stylist for an emergency re-blow because you messed it up, or worse, irreversible heat damage. The only tried and true way to get it right is to practice over and over, so start on a low heat setting just to be safe. Once you have the style down-pat, you can do it on a higher setting much faster. Of course there are other tricks to upkeeping your wig by yourself and maintaining it for longer in between washes, but so many of them have to be 30
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recommended on an individual basis. One other thing you can count on to make your wig fresher is brushing it out. Letting knots pile up into a big ball of mess won’t look natural. Also not allowing your wig to look clumpy and greasy and matted down is pretty universal, so brush it out gently but freely. If you’re afraid to brush it out, it will never have that loose natural flow that real hair has. Curly styles are a little harder to brush out, but you can at least use your fingers or a wide tooth comb to loosen it up and maybe brush through just the bangs and top of the wig for lift and height. Exposing The Scandal This one could really get me in trouble with other sheitel machers, so please read carefully and all the way to the end: Most custom orders and repairs don’t take as long as you’re being told it will have to take. Not only that, but many sheitel machers may all be using the same few large manufacturers and there is not always much of a difference between what one can do and the other can do, even if there is a price difference. That’s not to say that one sheitel macher is ripping you off or taking advantage: every stylist has their own policies and markup, and F a s h i o n
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they’re often very justified. Often the price difference from one stylist to the next is based on their overhead (rent on a retail store front versus a basement) and the size of their staff. At the end of the day, repairs and custom orders will vary based on the knowledge of each sheitel macher. Production times are very often padded for very valid reasons too. If a stylist tells you too little time, and then something happens to delay an order or repair, she will look bad even if it was out of her control. In case of an emergency, though, a rush job may be possible. That being said, I advise my own customers and anyone else’s customers to never, ever count on a rush job and avoid “emergency” situations to begin with. Also, your emergency may not rank very high on the list of everyone else’s emergencies, so give yourself extra time for any timeconsuming repairs or orders! The Common Misconception This last little-known secret may sound self serving, but I heard that someone put out an article about this last secret years ago. I haven’t been able to track down the magazine or the article, but I would like to share my take on it: (continued on page 32)
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There is a common misconception that everyone in this business is “raking it in,� “rolling in cash,� or however else you’d like to put it. What your sheitel macher won’t tell you is this: Women who go into this business and love what they do are not doing it to take your money and run. Many stylists are likely suffering in the current economy as much as everyone else. For every sale that they make an easy buck on, there are three that they have to take a hit on. Everyone expects a guarantee of some sort, or some free advice or service, and an unlimited amount of attention and time to be included in their very expensive purchase. But the costs of production, hair, and the staff to serve you in the manner which you’ve become accustomed to are overwhelming. With all the stylists out there (and there are so many), you may find one that is dramatically cheaper than the other and think that the more expensive one is charging more just because she can, based on her reputation. There is some validity to that argument, but only in that she has to support a staff that will maintain that 32
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reputation, and have quality workers. The turnover of employees and constant training of new people is enough to raise her prices over another sheitel macher, but then there is also the quality of her products and wigs to consider too. She will also definitely have more overhead to support work space for all that staff and make the place presentable to suit her reputation, because in a beauty related business, you have to maintain a certain look. Finally, you just have to expect to pay for the years of knowledge that she has accumulated, but don’t count on her taking too much of it home at the end of the day. You probably won’t find her complaining though, which is why this is the biggest secret of them all, because at the point that a stylist is paying that big of a payroll and overhead and cost of goods sold, she also has to maintain her dignity and professionalism. There is a limit to how much a sheitel macher can charge without getting a reputation for being obscenely overpriced. There are some who don’t mind that reputation and even endorse it, but they too have advertising expenses to show for their reputations. I haven’t even begun to F a s h i o n
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explain the expense behind the sources of hair, the dealers who sell it, the laborers who organize and sort it, and all the other steps it takes to create the wigs. Much of that even remains a secret even to me, but I have seen enough to know that by the time a very expensive wig reaches a sheitel macher, she is not left with much room for markup, because everyone else has taken their little bit off the top. The only secret left to tell is not really a secret at all: If you research thoroughly and choose wisely, you’re bound to get your money’s worth from a very hardworking stylist who may become your friend, therapist, and confidant (to share plenty of secrets with) throughout the years you will be wearing a wig. [IF]
Gitel Rosenzweig, a wig stylist with 12 years experience, is the owner of Gitel Wigs located at 3708 Avenue S in Brooklyn. For any questions or comments to be addressed in future articles, she can be reached at 718-758-1022 or via email at: gitelrosenzweig@yahoo.com.
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[ Designs for Spring ] By: Leah Helfgott
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ith tulips everywhere and spring in full swing, we’re all thinking about starting fresh. Spring means pastel dresses and pretty shoes, green grass, and a fresh coat of paint. And since we all love the new season, we went shopping online for everything bright and fresh. Here are some great things for spring from some of our favorite stores.
Give you r litt le blac kd a boost w resses ith these strappy p urple pu mps from J. R e n e e . We love the gem encruste d buckle on the fro and the nt purple c ontrast in details. Th g ese shoe s will surely pu t a “sprin g” into your step!
J.Renee Women’s Brianna Pump $81.18 - $89.95 www.Endless.com Item # B002DPUYLA
h new a f re s n f ro m ’s e r e H esig a re d relle/ dishw ware/Co re g sq ua in y n C or pret t wash e s e to . Th e a sy d P yrex k. An s a re dishe rd to brea hat t a and h est thing is t and the b g ht weig h fe. e li they’r washer sa h is d
your Give st ylish a h e couc with thes ok ive t lo a r w o e c n us de d s’ fabulo s from Lan e in m w o lo c il p lso nd a n hey a End. T ght blue, a range li blue/ ting pink/o nd s e r n. A e t in inatio tt y b m o c e p re they’r le too. d u ra b
CORELLE® Hearthstone® Floral Serenity 16-pc Set - $59.99 • ShopWorldKitchen.com UPC 71160056435 • SKU 108638
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Flower Decorative Pillow Cover 20” x 20” LandsEnd.com • Item # 38936-7AJX
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by Tom Kelley
D Chair
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Kick your style up a notch with this striking necklace from Banana Republic. This gorgeous piece will look stunning on a white outfit. Think cruise…. Perseus Lava Bib in Coral $69.50 • BananaRepublic.com • #763731
Brighten u p your plain bath room with a new splas h of sprin g c olor. We love th is diagon ally stripe bath colle d ction, wh ich includ wastebas e s a ket, tissue holder, so dish, tum a p bler, tooth brush hold and lotion e r, dispense r. These pieces wil l cheer yo u up every mo rning!
Echo Cabana Stripe Bath Ensemble $12.99-$29.99 each BedBathAndBeyond.com
We hope you’ve enjoyed our spring favorites. Keep on the lookout for bright colors and fresh designs that will brighten your day—even when it’s raining. Surround yourself with things you love. Enjoy your spring and have a great summer! [IF] 36
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[ How to Be Comfortable on Your Wedding Day ] By: Tova Marc
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o you have the gown and all the extras with it, and you’re thinking, “How in the world am I going to walk, take pictures, and dance in twenty extra pounds of fabric and accessories?” Here are some suggestions for handling these issues with grace on your big day.
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Break in your shoes. The last thing you want to do is wear your bridal shoes on your wedding day for the first time. In order to break in your shoes, you will need to start wearing them 15-30 minutes a day, about 7-10 days before your wedding. Walking around your house is perfect. Don’t walk outside, since we don’t want to get those little heels dirty.
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longer your friends. Very often, a bride will become overly exhausted wearing bridal shoes and kick them off while dancing. It is very dangerous to dance barefoot; as there may be glass and sharp objects on the floor. Also, another woman’s heel stepping on your bare foot is very painful. Ideally, the comfy shoes should have the same heel height as your bridal shoes.
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Practice your posture for pictures. Most likely, you will be taking plenty of pictures during your big day. You want those pictures to express confidence and beauty. One of the best ways to do this is with good posture. Practice standing and sitting straight several times a day in the mirror. Make sure to keep your head up and shoulders back. This may be uncomfortable for some brides, so practicing for a few weeks before your wedding is ideal. This will also give you F a s h i o n
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a perfect opportunity to practice your fabulous pose.
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Put on ALL your undergarments (including petticoat) and practice walking, sitting, and dancing. You need to know what to expect when you’re about to sit on a chair. Do you need help getting up? What about going to the ladies room in your big petticoat? Are your undergarments 100% comfortable after wearing them for one hour? Or are they digging into your side? You will need to be certain that you are able to wear everything hassle free, so practice now. [IF] Tova Marc is the designer and owner of Couture De Bride by Tova Marc. Her showroom is located at 406 Cedar Lane in Teaneck, NJ, and she can be contacted at 201-357-4877 or contact@couturedebride. com, www.tovamarc.com.
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[ Ways to Reduce Your Auto Insurance Premium ] By: Phil Berkowitz
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f you’re like me, you’re always looking for a smart way to save money. Sometimes, saving money can come in the most unlikely place—such as your insurance.
There are several ways you may be able to cut your auto insurance costs. Higher deductibles can lower your premium as will selecting only the coverage you feel you need. Many insurance companies offer different discounts. When shopping for auto insurance, be sure to ask about the availability of these discounts and whether the insurer offers them.
this discount. Certain makes and models of newer vehicles may receive the Vehicle Safety Discount because of the lower medical payment associated with them. The Vehicle Safety Discount is for autos 1994 or newer. Certain makes and models may have a decrease in their premiums because of lower medical payment associated with those specific makes/models.
• Antitheft Devices: Some insurance companies offer dis-
counts on comprehensive coverage premiums when certain antitheft devices are installed or built into a vehicle.
• New Business Discount: May offer you a discount as a new • Defensive Driving Course: Premium discounts somepolicyholder if you have been accident-free for a specific period of time.
times are offered for the voluntary completion of specified driver improvement courses.
• Accident-free: Policyholders who have been accident-free • Good Student: Full-time students (high school or higher while being insured with the same insurance company for several years may be eligible for reduced premiums.
• Discounts for Other Insurance Lines: Premiums may be reduced if you insure your home, life, or health with the same company that covers your car.
level) maintaining at least a “B” average may qualify for reduced premiums with many companies.
These are just a few of the common discounts offered by insurance companies. For more details, contact your insurance company or agent. Above all, drive safely. [IF]
• Multiple Cars: Premiums may be reduced if there are two or
more private passenger cars in the household insured by the same company.
• Air Bag/Passive Restraint: Cars that are 1993 or older and are equipped with air bags or automatic seat belts may receive
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[ Putting the “Fun” in Fundraising ] By: Samantha Hain
Photo by Ira Thomas
–How a group of local Jewish women are putting a newfound twist on the time-old tradition of tzedakah.
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rom first glance, it looked like a New York City nightclub. Scores of people waiting on line to get into the hottest spot of the night. The music infectious as it blares beyond the walls toward the eager crowd awaiting what was inside. I, for one, had no idea what to expect, knowing nothing but the address and the cause I was coming to support. As a “city girl” new to the Five Towns, I reveled in delight as I walked through the heavy-set double doors of a Hewlett Bay 42
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Park mansion into an event so boisterous and exciting that I almost forgot that these women were gathered for a very specific purpose. Sara, my Breslover friend from Israel, grabbed my hand and introduced me to the Co-chairs, who along with their diverse committee of women from the Five Towns and the five boroughs, created a one-of-a-kind raffle-driven, runway show, fashion extravaganza in less than three weeks times, with proceeds all going to Sara’s charity Shlomzion. F a s h i o n
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As I watched the models don custom ensembles down the runway and lucky goers hear their names called out to claim prizes such as a giant flat-screen television, furniture, a Mountain Buggy stroller, and beauty gift baskets featuring all the makeup fit for a diva, I knew I wanted in on being a part of this innovative approach to charity events. Since their first event in 2007, Couture for a Cause Co-chairs Esther Silber and Michal Weinstein have been thinking up (continued on page 45)
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All photos on this page by Ira Thomas. 44
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Photo by Ira Thomas
newfangled ways to make fresh events that give something back to the guests as well as to the attached charity. “There are sadly so many causes that people are asked to give to, so we think the concept of making a free evening for women with flare, fashion, and fun is part of the appeal,” said Weinstein of Woodmere. “We try to make it as glamorous as possible, housing it at Esther’s beautiful home and adding red carpet touches, such as the sponsor backdrop with logos and swag bags, like you usually see at celebrity events.” And this year is no exception, with the theme being Couture for a Cause Kids, featuring a children-modeled runway show and grandiose children-related raffles, such as custom interior designed nurseries, lazy days at the beach club, art lessons, the iPad and MAC Air Book, hand-painted furniture, strollers, SAT tutoring, a semester of gymnastics, and the Nintendo Wii to name a small few. The committee has been working diligently to come up with out of the box raffles that are both frivolous and functional, such as a $500 gift certificate towards braces, gifted by a local orthodontist. “Couture for a Cause is organized by women out of the goodness of their hearts I n
and it is really a community effort, as 100% of our proceeds come from the generosity of all those donating raffles. In addition, all the money goes straight to charity. The event costs are covered by the generous women involved,” added Weinstein, an in-demand graphic design artist and owner of MLW Designs, who donates her services and time, as well. This year, my involvement is that of Honorary Co-chair, and I couldn’t be prouder of our upcoming event, which is scheduled to take place May 27th. While an elaborate, free event is quite labor intensive, the benefits are surely great, as Shlomzion dedicates itself to helping orphans and widows in Jerusalem. And since the charity itself is run by our dear friends Sara and Yoni Melman, who made aaliyah from Woodmere over five years ago, we are confident in knowing that all moneys are going directly to those who are in need. Whether it be food for Shabbos, medical care, clothing, or even diapers, Sara and Yoni deliver with modesty and compassion, which is what makes the charity so intimate. Nobody is turned away or judged. The idea of Tikun Olam, restoring the world, is taken most literally.
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The history between Silber, Weinstein, and Melman go back to the days of school uniforms, and while each of their lives has taken different directions, they have remained close friends who are committed to each other and the entire Jewish population. Silber is graciously opening her home to everyone this year, encouraging women young and old, near and far to come in and join the fun. “This year is going to be beyond fabulous. Every year I say, ‘This year will top the others,’ and I‘m saying it again because it really will,” said Silber, whose business savvy comes into play when putting Couture for a Cause together. “From the first year till now, my marketing and event planning business along with my public relations company Esther Inc. have grown tremendously, which directly translates into a more spectacular night… Be prepared for a celebrity guest or two to drop by.” [IF]
For more information on Couture for a Cause and Shlomzion, please visit www.CoutureForCause.com.
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STEP UP TO THE PLATE. BECOME A PARNOSSA GABBAI. Find out which people in your shul have job openings in the companies they work in. Email us the jobs so we can fill them up with people from our community. partner@epinetworking.org
(877) 374-6389 Chofetz Chaim Heritage Foundation
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[ On Boards…Aiming for Moshe’s Model - Part 1 ] By: Moshe Kinderlehrer
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ne of my readers—a friend and longtime associate—emailed me after my last piece and after a brief exchange in which I lamented the difficulties of finding good topics in the arena of fundraising and philanthropy, he suggested that I discuss the issue of boards. Of course, my ears perked up. He was absolutely right. It is time to focus on boards. And boards are a very important issue…and not only for shidduchim and prestige for board members and their families, although that is also an important and not-to-be overlooked issue. I’ve seen and worked with a good number of boards over the years and I’ve heard truthful accounts and wild tales from other nonprofit colleagues and board members at other organizations I know. And the stories I could tell you…but not in this article nor ever.
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Seriously though, I recall board meetings early in my career that ended in blows, screaming matches, verbal tugs of war, and emotional slugfests. I’ve witnessed walkouts and firings and dressings down and on-the-spot retirements and meltdowns and threats of litigation…all in the same board meeting. Those were the days. Meeting the Boards & Getting Different Perspectives Early in my career, when I worked as a fairly junior account executive at a nonprofit consulting firm, my prime responsibilities at most board meetings and most meetings in general consisted of writing notes, nodding appropriately, and taking the meeting minutes. I remember that I really enjoyed the exposure I received to the special people who sit and participate on the boards of our community’s most important institutions. F a s h i o n
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I also enjoyed being able to experience the different cultures, dynamics, attitudes, and processes working within each organization I worked with. These interactions were also great networking and relationship cultivation opportunities for me and I benefit till today from some of the relationships I established over a decade as a junior consultant. Board Meetings... ...Where Did the Fun Go? As I’ve become a bit more senior and graduated to being given the responsibility for preparing the formal written agendas for aforesaid board meetings—in addition to still keeping the meeting minutes—I noticed that board meetings were not as enjoyable as they had once been. Whereas my old boss had been the one “on the spot” and on the firing line by the board
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members asking the critical, analytical questions, it is now most often myself in his old seat and working hard to maintain decorum and doing my best to impress my board with my competence, success, creativity, and efficiency—or hoping at best to avoid being seen as a total failure. It’s certainly a delicate balance there. What Works and What Doesn’t While I have a feeling that my board meetings won’t get more enjoyable anytime soon, I do feel that I’ve learned something over the years. I’ve learned which boards “worked” and which “didn’t” and also why they did so. So here goes my brief attempt to summarize what makes a board “effective” and successful…and what can go wrong on the way there. The Moshe Rabbeinu Principle There are many handbooks and guides and rules for building and growing effective boards, but I think the essence of a successful board is what I call the Moshe Rabbeinu Principle. I am aware of more than a few Torah commentaries and drashos that note Moshe’s incredible and unique leadership qualities in leading the Jewish people. They all point out the many attributes of Moshe’s background, history, and leadership decisions and their impact upon his success in leading the Jewish people. For some, it’s Moshe’s ability to listen to those around him such as Yisro. For others, it’s Moshe’s humility and ability to inspire the Jewish people with action. And for still others, it’s Moshe’s pragmatism and strong sense of responsibility for the Jewish people. And the list goes on and on. I could easily put to paper an additional 10+ specific leadership qualities. Without question, he was the quintessential Jewish leader. Putting a Little Bit of Moshe in Them: Creating and Fostering Boards Who See Themselves As True Jewish Leaders So how do I apply Moshe Rabbeinu to the contemporary concept of nonprofit boards? I certainly don’t mean that we should all appoint Moshe Rabbeinu or a “Moshe Rabbeinu-type” as chairman or president of our board (although that would be nice, were it possible). 50
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What I mean is that we need to make sure that our board members—each with his or her respective strengths, talents, and opinions—be made to feel as if they are truly a leader of the Jewish people, as Moshe was in his day. That they, in their own unique way, are directly shouldering the communal burden that Moshe Rabbeinu left us when he passed away thousands of years ago. Put more simply, they need to feel as if they are true Jewish and community leaders. We need our board members to go from “sitting” on a board to “leading the Jewish people.” They Passed A Hat Around… Some years ago, I met and became friendly with a board vice president at a well-regarded community organization. I asked him how he got involved in the organization and he explained it to me. He told me the following tale: “I was invited to a board meeting of this young organization and at the first meeting I attended, we literally passed a hat around the table to make sure that the organization could pay salaries that month. And that’s the way it was for the first year I came to board meetings…and I’ve been committed ever since.” He is in fact one of the organization’s most important supporters to this day. I struggled for years with his story. I just couldn’t understand what would draw him to a struggling organization that begged its board members to cough up money at every board meeting. I might never have come back to a second meeting. Would anyone else? Yet something drew him back. After getting to know him and his family a bit better and also understanding my Moshe Rabbeinu Principle better, I realized that on a certain level, he recognized and internalized the need to become a “Moshe Rabbeinu” here—a leader where there wasn’t any—and dedicate himself to making sure that this organization would have a strong financial footing. This was his role and where his strengths and talents lay, and he exercised them all to their fullest. And being the kind of person that he is, he would make sure to see it through to the end. This supporter is still intimately involved in the organization’s finances to F a s h i o n
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this day, nearly 30 years later. He is still reviewing the books and analyzing every major financial decision made. He has not tired of his mission and I don’t believe he ever will. There Will Never Be Another Like Moshe The Torah’s closing Pesukim in Devarim tell that “There will never arise another prophet in Israel like Moshe.” (Devarim 34:10) This epitaph is certainly discouraging. The Torah seems to be saying that the Jewish people will be on its own. But I like to read it a bit differently. What I say is that the Torah is absolutely correct; of course there will never be another leader like Moshe. BUT, we will always have Moshe as our “model” leader, our leader par excellence, to hold ourselves and our own leaders up to. Of course, no leader will ever live up exactly to Moshe’s standards. That’s what the Torah says. But that’s the goal and standard that our best leaders try to set for themselves. Some community leaders and board members grasp this almost innately—as my aforementioned friend did—and others need to be worked with and inspired. But let me leave off for now with the fervent hope and wish that all of our community leaders and board members start thinking a bit more like Moshe Rabbeinu in approaching all of the difficult issues our community faces…as well as the entire world. As for the practical steps needed on how to get a talented, diverse group of leaders aiming for the heights of Moshe Rabbeinu, well…that’s for next month’s article. [IF] Moshe Kinderlehrer is currently the Director of Development for American Friends of Leket Israel (formerly Table to Table Israel), Israel’s Leading Food Resource and Food Rescue Organization (also known today as Israel’s National Food Bank). Prior to that, he was a nonprofit and fundraising consultant with over a decade of experience working for and with a wide variety of nonprofits. He is also an ordained Orthodox rabbi (Yeshiva University – RIETS) and holds and MA in Politics from NYU. He resides in Bergen County, NJ, with his wife and four children. He can be reached at: moshe@leket.us or (201) 331-0070.
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[ Learn to Take Beautiful Outdoor Pictures of Your Children ] By: Rina Schiffman
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he Place: A large grassy area in your local park. The Time: Mid-afternoon. The Scene: One frustrated Mom; one bored and disinterested husband, trying to hide the fact that he’s on his blackberry while pretending to help Mom; and three young, sweaty, fidgeting children, dressed in matching white outfits, whining, crying, and fighting while their mother poses them for a family picture that sadly, is just never going to happen the way Mom envisions it. Later that night, when she sits down and uploads the pictures to her computer, she will be disappointed to see shot after shot of three bright white, squinting figures grimacing at the camera. In some shots, the kids have bright splotches of sunshine on their faces, while in others, the harsh shadows make her children hardly recognizable as the adorable little children that they are. Sighing deeply, she shuts down the computer and simply resigns herself to the fact that she will just have to wait until they can afford a professional photographer to get a decent photo of her children outdoors. Sound slightly familiar? Taking photos outdoors can be harder than it seems. Uncontrollable lighting situations and distracting background elements can turn what looks to you like a great picture into one that’s not. However, if you follow some really basic guidelines you will be on your way to taking much better looking pictures of your family outdoors. Time of Day: The time of day makes a huge difference in how your photo will look, simply because the sun’s position will determine the quality of the lighting.
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The best time to take pictures outdoors is when the sun is low in the sky, which is about an hour before the sun rises and an hour before it sets. Try to avoid taking pictures outdoors at midday, because the sun is directly overhead, leaving you with harsh shadows and bright spots. Of course, many times midday is when we are out with the kids, so if you find yourself in a situation where you have to shoot at that time, the solution is to position your children in open shade. For example, sit them in a spot where a tree or a building puts them in a slight shade so that the sun is not shining down directly on them. Just make sure they are not in such deep shade that they look dark in the picture. Cloudy, overcast days are really great for taking pictures outdoors, because the clouds filter and soften the sun, producing nice, soft light on your children’s faces. Be Aware of Distracting Elements: Before you press the shutter button, look at the scene and notice any distracting elements. Make sure there are no trees “growing” out of someone’s head. Make sure there is no clutter in the background, or garbage on the floor. Also be aware of any sunspots or deep shadows on your subject’s faces. If there is a horizon in the background, make sure it is straight in the photo. Experiment with Perspective: To make your photos more visually interesting and less boring, try experimenting with perspective. Instead of shooting standing up, with the camera pointing straight at the subject, try getting down on your stomach and shooting up at your subject. F a s h i o n
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Or try standing on a stool or a rock and shoot from above. You’ll be amazed at the beautiful shots you can take of an ordinary scene simply by changing your perspective. Capture the Details: Sometimes you can get so caught up taking full length shots of your kids that you forget to zoom in and capture the little details that can sometimes make a much more memorable and emotional photo. For example, zoom in real close and shoot your baby’s toes in the grass, or his chubby little hand reaching for a flower. If your kids are eating ice cream, capture their messy smiles and dripping cones. Focusing on the details will help you remember that day more than anything else. Lastly, just let your children be themselves and act natural, rather than forcing them into poses or telling them to smile. Just stand back out of the way and capture them being themselves, and you will be left with photos of your children that reveal their true personalities. Even if they do have some technical mistakes, those emotional captures are the photos you will treasure forever. [IF] Rina Schiffman is the owner and photographer of Rina Schiffman Photography. She specializes in capturing natural, emotive portraits of babies and children. Her complete portfolio can be viewed at www.RinaSPhotography.com. Her home studio is located in Brooklyn, NY, and she can be reached at 917-750-3424 or RinaSchiffman@yahoo.com. Look for her on facebook and join exciting contests!
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turning once during cooking; about 4-8 minutes total cooking time. To make the mango salsa, mix all the ingredients but the mango together in a bowl. Just before serving, add the mango and mix lightly. To serve, top the fish with salsa. Strawberry Custard Pie Crust:
[ Spring Has Sprung! ]
2 cups all purpose flour 1 cup margarine, room temperature
By: Gourmet Kosher Cooking
T
he weight of snow has been removed from our yards. The burden of Pesach has been lifted from our shoulders. Days are longer. School is winding down. The outdoors beckons. We want to wander the rows of stalls at Farmer’s Markets or stop at roadside stands to take advantage of spring’s bounty (and perhaps to help us drop those extra pounds that are lingering evidence of winter’s bounty!). Our focus is now on fresh and easy (well, maybe it was always on easy!) cooking and preparation. Here are some light options incorporating spring’s produce for you to enjoy.
½ cup sugar
flour mixture and stir just until blended. Do not over mix. Stir in rhubarb. Spoon batter into greased muffin cups. Mix together sugar and cinnamon. Cut in margarine with a fork or your fingers until coarse crumbs form. Sprinkle crumb mixture over batter. Bake for about 25 minutes. Cool on wire racks. Makes 12. Tilapia with Tomato-Mango Salsa 5 tilapia fillets (or other white fish fillet) Vegetable oil Salt and black pepper
1½ cups flour
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Combine ingredients in mixer. Press into 10” tart pan. Bake until golden. Sour cream custard layer: 1½ cups tofutti sour cream ½ cup sugar 3 eggs 1½ teaspoons vanilla extract
Serves 5
¼ teaspoon cayenne pepper
Rhubarb Muffins
2 tablespoons vinegar
Pinch of salt Reduce heat to 325 degrees. Whisk together the sour cream, sugar, eggs, vanilla, and salt until smooth. Pour into cooled pie shell and bake for 35–40 minutes, until it doesn’t jiggle. Cool to room temperature.
¾ cup brown sugar
Mango Salsa
Topping:
1 teaspoon baking soda
2 cups diced tomatoes
½ cup sugar
½ cup non-dairy creamer or soy milk, mixed with ½ teaspoon vinegar
1 cup diced red onion
½ cup water
½ cup diced jalapeno
2 cups fresh strawberries
1/3 cup margarine, melted
4 tablespoons chopped fresh cilantro
1 tablespoon cornstarch
1 teaspoon vanilla
Salt and black pepper, to taste
1 egg
2 teaspoons salad oil
1 cup chopped fresh rhubarb
2 teaspoons white vinegar
¼ cup sugar
1 teaspoon granulated garlic
½ teaspoon cinnamon
2 cups chopped mango
2 teaspoons cold margarine, cut into small pieces Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Combine flour, brown sugar, and baking soda in a bowl. Whisk together non-dairy creamervinegar mixture, vanilla, and egg. Add to 54
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Brush both sides of the tilapia with oil. Shake the seasoning (cayenne, salt, pepper) over both sides of the tilapia. Cook the tilapia on a clean, lightly oiled grill, smooth side down. Cook to an internal temperature of 145 degrees, F a s h i o n
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Dissolve the cornstarch in 2 tablespoons of water. Heat the berries with the sugar over a low flame. Add the cornstarch and ¼ cup of the water. Stir and simmer until thicker, about 5 minutes (if it looks too thick, add the rest of the water while cooking). Spoon gently over custard. Cool and refrigerate until serving. [IF] For more innovative, recipes, please visit GourmetKosherCooking.com.
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[ Ask The Shadchan ] By: Yisrael Friedman
My daughter has been dating a guy for over two months. On paper the boy has all the attributes she has been searching for in a husband. He is smart, witty, full of life, and is also handsome. He is ready to roll and commit to marriage, but she, for some reason, isn’t “seeing stars” yet. Any advice you can give us or her to try to push the shidduch forward? Thank You! –Starless, Brooklyn
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his is one of the most common problems facing young frum dating couples today. In the frum world, dating consists of a very platonic relationship for a short period of time in which couples are faced with intense, lifealtering decision making without really knowing the person that well. Many times it is hard to develop the relationship to the point where there is actual “real magic” in the air so that both parties are flying high. More times than not, a boy/girl will throw in the towel with very potential candidates just because they didn’t “feel it.” In Chasideshe circles, the mentality is much different. Hours, if not days, of extensive research is done even before the children meet. Usually the parents are waiting on hand for a lechaim by the third “date.” People ask, “How is it possible that two young inexperienced children can meet for a few hours (in our living room, nonetheless) and be able to commit to a lifetime of matrimony?” (They couldn’t possibly have had that much chemistry in their 45-minute bashow!) The flip side
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is the secular world where they date for months if not years and the relationships usually end before they ever tie the knot. The lucky ones that get married often end up divorced. The explanation, any chasid will tell you, is that more dating does not necessarily mean more compatibility. I am not agreeing or disagreeing with this theory, but there is a lesson to take out. Just because you are dating and you don’t feel tingling down your spine does not essentially mean that this person is not for you. As I have written many times before, when looking for a spouse, don’t look for Mr./ Mrs. Perfect. Look for Mr./Mrs. Right. Focus on the important characteristics, such as middos and attentiveness; think: is there a potential here for us to grow together? Not: will he/she be geshmak when we’re hanging out with friends? It is very difficult to jump into a relationship without feeling gaga over the person, but let’s put things into perspective. Is this a relationship based purely on physical attraction? That’s going to wear off when he puts on a few pounds every Yom Tov because of her wonderful cooking, and when she is on her fourth pregnancy. Is it a relation based on the fact that you had the greatest time in Dave and Busters (arcade place) on date #4? Because really, who has time to play air hockey once you are married, when you have to focus on real things like kids and parnassah? F a s h i o n
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There should of course be some level of attraction. At this point in the game, your daughter should be excited to see the young man or to take his call or to get a text from him. If she is dreading his call, then maybe he is not for her. If it’s a matter of “seeing stars,” then she has to get a better perspective on finding a life partner, and really ascertain whether this man would be a good match as a spouse for her. As many husbands and wives can tell you, young kids in the shidduch parsha have no clue what “love” is. Feelings grow and relationships blossom as a life is built together over time. It is hard to “fall” for someone when the only real tribulations you’ve experienced together is an intensive game of Pac Man. Bottom Line: Dating is about seeking out POTENTIAL COMPATIBILITY for marriage. Just because everything is not exactly how you envisioned does not mean you cannot work together to build a beautiful relationship. The perfect marriage is a work in progress. Seek out someone who will be your working partner. [IF] Yisrael Friedman is a full time shadchan for Connections, the Shidduch division of Gateways. For questions or interesting and funny dating stories to be published in future articles, please email yfriedman@gatewaysonline.com. For all shidduchim inquiries, email connections@gatewaysonline.com.
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