W

hen we arrive on the planet we have a few days, maybe weeks, when we get to just be ourselves. Cute, adorable, cuddly, needy, whiny. Anything we want. And there aren’t any real consequences to just being ourselves.

But pretty darn soon we begin to get bombarded with rules and expectations. They start subtly.

“Is he sleeping through the night?”

“Is she taking bottles?”

“Is he having solid stools?”

Um, excuse me. I don’t think my baby stools are your concern, nosy neighbor.

But, guess what? It actually is her concern. It’s everyone’s concern. Because as you get older, everyone you know (and many people you don’t know) will have a million expectations for you to live up to.

“Don’t do that.”

“Do this.”

“Don’t touch the hot stove.”

“Do your homework.”

“Don’t play with the hand grenades.”

Okay sure, most of these expectations are for our own good. People want us to be safe and not do dumb stuff with long-term consequences. And yes, we have a higher likelihood of keeping all our limbs if we live up to these expectations. So, what’s the problem?

Well, the problem is that very soon these well-meaning expectations shift away from things like physical safety to expectations on what to think, what to value, how to spend your time, where you spend your energy, who to spend your time with, and eventually how to earn and spend your money.

Some of these influences and expectations are easily dismissible, like ads for cigarettes. They won’t get us to do the thing that someone else wants us to do. Others are a lot more subtle, like your Great Aunt Edna suggesting that you sit by her at Thanksgiving and listen to her latest updates on her medical conditions. We usually live up to these kinds of expectations to be nice, or to keep the peace. And it usually isn’t that big of a sacrifice to just accommodate other’s expectations. That is, until we start to feel the cumulative effects of ceaseless expectations from family, friends, jobs, religions, and broader culture. And what are the cumulative effects? Purposelessness, depression, anxiety, and a host of other emotional/mental conditions.

How much of your time and energy is involuntarily hijacked from you in order to benefit someone else? At first you might think that you’re the exception. You feel like you’ve been making your own decisions in life and have complete control over how you live it. Maybe. But I’m willing to bet that you allow more to be taken from you than you think. Some don’t mind this at all. They’re called “good girls” or “nice guys.” They call it self-sacrifice and do it out of kindness. That’s fine as long as this energy, time and money is given intentionally and with awareness.

But far too many of us make it a habit to give unwittingly of ourselves without ever realizing that we have a choice.

Author Vishen Lakhiani calls these broad expectations “brules,” which is short for “B.S. rules” and which are dictated to us by those in our social circles, including family, friends, neighbors, and other broader cultural influences and societal expectations.

How do you know if you are driven by “brules” and not your own inner voice?

In childhood and early adulthood we spend most of our time doing what others tell us to do, so we unconsciously get used to living according to expectations without questioning them much. Lakhiani says that until we begin to consciously and critically assess the rules we grew up with then they are simply someone else’s “brules.”

The key is to be aware of your own inner voice. The place inside of you that tells you what you really value, and what you really find interesting, and what you really want to spend time, energy and money on.

Why is this an important concept in a financial article? Because “brules” frequently dictate how we earn and spend money.

So many of us make education, student loan, and career choices, and then get big loans on exorbitant houses and cars and fill them with stuff without ever questioning this traditional model of the “American dream.”

Sure, it works for some. But does it work for you? Or are you on this path because it was handed to you?

Does your job feel unfulfilling? Do you have a lot of demands on your time and energy at home that doesn’t really bring you satisfaction? Interestingly enough, many millionaires and even billionaires find themselves feeling unfulfilled. And here’s why.

Purpose is more important to happiness than money, status symbols, and possessions.

Money is not a bad thing. Money can be a critical piece of happiness. But it is not the END itself. The end is your purpose. And you will have a much more difficult time finding it if you’re afraid to break “brules.”

So how do you know which brules to question and break? It’s simple: those that hold you back from your life purpose, your vision, and calling.

And here’s the critical piece. How do you find your calling?

It’s a process of self-discovery but Lakhiani suggests starting with questions like the following:

What gift am I to give to the world?

What is trying to emerge in my life?

What is my next step to take?

He also suggests meditation while exploring these types of questions.

It will likely take some work to find your purpose because most of us have gotten pretty good in life at stifling our own inner voices in order to serve the loud and insistent expectations of the world around us. But once you’ve done the work and begun to understand what you really think and feel and value, independent of what the world thinks you “should” value, you’ll discover a fountain of wisdom and direction for your life. Suddenly everything that supports your vision, both personally and professionally, becomes much more valuable, while expectations from others become far less important.

Lakhiani suggests that many of the world’s greatest inventors, entrepreneurs, entertainers, and other great minds are the ones who have clearly defined callings in life and then break brules as needed to fulfill those callings.

It’s not to say that you will always get to do what you love, but that underlying knowledge of yourself will start to influence your decisions big and small. It will influence what you do for a living, for a hobby, the friends you have, and other important relationships. AND, it will influence how you earn and spend money. This is because the core of who you are and what you love is unchanging, and the decisions you make in life that honor who you are will do far more to make you happy than living by someone else’s “brules.” cakes accompanied by cupcakes they can pass out to guests, eliminating cutting up a cake and placing pieces on plates with forks.

Lakhiani says that this is when “reality bends in your favor.” You’ll start to see opportunities for work, life, relationships, etc. that you didn’t see before. You’ll start to feel lucky, as though the universe is giving you the very things you need to be happy. And…you’ll be happy to know that I’ve done my own research and decided that it does align with my life purpose to avoid playing with hand grenades. So now that’s my own rule and not just a brule!

Luke Erickson, Ph.D., AFC®, is an associate professor of personal finance for the University of Idaho. He works and lives in the Treasure Valley: @drlukeerickson (Instagram), erickson@uidaho.edu.

Now in her mid-40s, Mayo keeps a small stack of recipe books in her front office and said, “Some chefs won’t share recipes; others lean toward sharing and teaching. I lean toward sharing and teaching. I think being protective of a recipe is kind of stupid. There’s nothing new – we’re all using eggs and butter.”

On a busy week, she may make up to 30 cakes; on an average week, she’ll generally make 15-20. She works alone, but if things continue to pick up, she’ll likely hire an assistant.

Mayo said she’s not in competition with valley grocery stores nor even necessarily with other pastry chefs. “The valley has really grown. There’s plenty of work for everyone, and we all have our own niche. It’s friendly and not competitive.”

Other bakers may refer customers to her when they are too busy. “I’m able to take last-minute requests if they say, ‘I need this cake this week!’ I’m also known for odd requests. If, for example, somebody wants me to use somebody’s grandma’s recipe to make a cake, I’ll do it.”

She very much enjoys what she does and will keep at it as long as she can. “I plan to retire doing this,” she said. And who knows, maybe she’ll play the piano on her last day in business, too.