WHO ARE YOU? It’s time to get to know yourself

By Macaile Hutt

Itore my rotator cuff in late March while rock climbing.

As an extremely active person, this felt like a death sentence. I felt gutted knowing I wouldn’t be able to do so many things that bring me consistent joy and community while I rehabilitated and healed.

But in just a short week, I found so many lessons and blessings wrapped up in what I initially thought was the worst package I could have been handed. We don’t get to determine the situations we face, but we do get to determine our reaction to those situations, and that, for me, has made all the difference.

This was a tough pill to swallow. Without rock climbing, skiing, working out, yoga, and all of the other activities I engage in on a daily or weekly basis, I felt like I almost didn’t exist. I have found such beautiful community within these activities and those communities slowly became the biggest part of my identity. I found myself in tears with an ice pack on my shoulder, wondering who I am without these things. Who are you without the job? The children? The hobbies? The areas in which you spend the majority of your time?

I felt scared initially when I sat down to ponder this; but, eventually, I felt really empowered realizing I do still exist without these things, and I have entered a season of my life where I am being given the gift to get to know myself more deeply, and sit in the quiet space of unknowing while I allow myself to heal. If we allow ourselves to be completely identified by only one thing, there isn’t much left if that thing is taken from us. The biggest gift we can give ourselves is to get to know ourselves and enjoy our own company the way we would a friend. Find out what makes our hearts come alive and do more of that. And realize that even if one aspect is taken away, we have so many other wonderful facets to pour into.

2. When was the last time I thanked my body?

This injury has put a lot in perspective for me when it comes to my relationship with my body. Our bodies continue to show up for us day-in and day-out, regardless of how we speak to them or speak about them. We often focus on all the things we wish we could change rather than holding ourselves gently in the beautiful knowing that our legs have walked away from situations that don’t serve us, our arms have held our loved ones together when everything felt like it was falling apart, our necks have held our heads high in moments of success, and our bellies have given us deep laughter in moments we needed it most.

Initially, I was at war with my body. I felt like she betrayed me with this injury. But in just one short week, I have felt the ways she is continuing to show up for me, the ways in which she is already healing and putting the pieces back together so I may feel whole again. I hope you can give yourself a hug today and treat your body the way you would a friend. Your body is worth celebrating.

3. How have distractions been playing a role in my life?

While many of my hobbies have brought me so much joy and happiness, this season of quiet healing is helping me realize the ways in which they’ve also served as a distraction. I am learning to re-evaluate the ways I spend my time because I am being forced to, but it’s actually turning out to be a great blessing and I already know I won’t return with the exact same habits I had created before. I can’t wait to get back to activity, but I also can’t wait to implement these principles of rest, healing, and injury prevention that I neglected for years prior. We often move forward repeating the same things over and over until we are forced to pause. This season involves sifting through those things and choosing what I bring forward and what I will leave behind.

A co-worker shared a phrase he often reminds himself of: “Amor Fati.” It means “Love your fate.”

There’s a big difference between tolerating the situations we face and learning to have love and gratitude for them. I felt so much resistance, anger, and both physical and emotional pain when I initially faced this fate, but I am learning to soften my gaze and view it from a lens of love, instead. Knowing this is a minor injury in the big scheme of things. I am still alive, I am still capable, I am still learning, and I am still growing. I am still here. I am learning to surrender to this “fate” and practicing acceptance with love, and, in turn, I am being met with and surrounded by more love than I could have imagined. There are always two sides to every coin, and if you don’t like the side you’re on, flip that coin.

The last lesson I’ve learned and have been practicing daily is to stop borrowing problems from the future. We are constantly invited down rabbit hole after rabbit hole of unnecessary suffering, “what ifs” and made up stories our mind is telling us. I’m learning to change the channel in my mind when those stories arise. I am learning there is enough to focus on today, in this present moment, and the last thing I need to do is jump forward into a chapter I haven’t even started yet. I’ve also started practicing the law of assumption that everything is going to turn out better than I could have imagined, rather than thinking the worst case scenarios. Both are “made up stories” in a sense, so I might as well focus on the story with the happy ending.

The week of recovery from my injury was filled with endless reflection, gratitude, fear, tears, joy, and hope. I have felt compassion for myself that I’ve never experienced before, and a love and appreciation for the struggles those around me may be facing that has reached a brand new depth.

No matter where you find yourself, or what challenges you are facing in this present moment, I want to remind you that no feeling is final. I see you, and I am with you. It will not be like this forever. And you are never alone. We are all in this together.

Macaile Hutt is the Director of Occupational Therapy for Star Speech and Occupational Therapy located in Star, Idaho. Her therapy style takes a holistic and child-directed approach, with the goal of children succeeding across multiple environments. She holds a master’s degree in occupational therapy from A.T. Still University and has received continuing education as a Certified Clinical Anxiety Treatment Professional for Children and Adolescents (CCATP-CA), Handwriting Without Tears, pediatric kinesiotaping, Interactive Metronome, and Beckman Oral Motor. In her free time, she enjoys creative writing, backpacking, and traveling.