As we marched through the forest toward the hut, I slowly lost the rest of the group, leaving me alone in hostile territory. Mercifully the others had laid a trail of arrows at each intersection of the winding paths through the wood, which not only guided my way but raised my hope of reaching the final objective. When finally I did reach the hut again, urged on by death metal music as I had long lost the company of my companions, the night was drawing in and I did rejoice at its sight. In other operations, the second claiming of cairngorm was completed by the majority of the hikers a few hours after the 1st group despite the icy slopes and adverse visibility. As it was the last night, a grand drinking session was held, with the playing of games and even more bottled ale consumed than the other nights. During the notorious “never have I ever” some of the more illicit activities and animalistic behaviour of the club were revealed, but I shall spare the reader the gruesome details.
Sunday 8th April – Return to HQ With our mission successful and the possibility of uprising quelled until approximately 2014, we set fourth on the long journey, with the first vehicle leaving at around 06:30, following the placement of a chocolate based explosive device in the drying room. From the moment we awoke, I instantly regretted the lethal combination and quantity of red wine and gin I had consumed the previous night and reluctantly left my bunk, having had only 4 hours sleep. Despite this, I managed to complete the first shift driving, getting us across the fourth of firth to Edinburgh. There we found the “promised land” after some assistance from a panda: a refuelling depot and Tesco store which was open early on Easter Sunday, thus proving the corporations’ utter lack of religious observance or morals in the pursuit of profit. True to the laws of universe, within 5 minutes of being back in England, the sun greeted us though the clouds that had brought rain to us only a short while earlier. Nearing Newcastle (the first line of defence should the SNP suceed), we stopped off at the great steel figure that is the Angel of the North. A little further south, a lady in a service station tried to charge me £1,180.99 for a newspaper and an ice cream, she was spared my bullets following correcting the price to under £5. Closer to HQ, we dropped off Cp. Penney and Ld. Gen. Carr in Derby, discovering that the rumours of Mrs. Carr being a mountain goat, thus giving the disgraced general his ability to climb hills were unfounded. The rest of the journey proceeded without much event other than some average speed checks, such being the nature of the arterial M1. We approached the Fortress of Imperial at around 20:00, quickly dropping of kit in the stores and going our separate ways, satisfied our work was done. To this day, nobody knows what happed to the last quarter of the beast, it is assumed to be still at large and seeking to induce type II diabetes upon unwitting vicitms.