GRUNNET-ALDEN, VICKI — THE MEANING OF HER CHILD'S DEATH: A MOTHER'S EXPERIENCE OF GRIEF

59 others into the experience. For some the funeral home was somehow comforting, but for most it brought the nightmare of the loss of a child into a numbing, confusing, frightening reality.

I tried to avoid going to the funeral home. Going there would make it all real. I’d have to accept my child was dead. (Jane) I didn’t want to go see the undertaker. It was inconceivable that I had to go there and talk to him to find a casket for my son. (Jane) Planning the funeral was a painful experience for all the women that talked about it.

Each struggled with the planning process and the reality of what it meant. Choosing a casket for the child appeared to be the most difficult and painful experience for most.

When I had to plan the funeral I didn’t know what to do. I mean I went there to the undertaker and felt so totally out of place, afraid. I guess I let him plan it ‘cause I didn’t know what to do. (Marie) I went to the funeral home. It was unbelievably difficult. How could I put my child into one of those boxes? I tried to pick one out but I couldn’t do it. I could hardly make myself look at them. I was having trouble breathing. I ran out of the building. Later I somehow managed to go back. I knew no matter how difficult it was, no matter how much it hurt, it had to be done. Choosing a casket for my son was the second hardest thing I’ve ever done. The first was having to live with the fact that he was dead. (Vicki) The funeral home was so cold, so impersonal. We brought music to play, picture boards of her life, and a few of her favorite things. We were trying to make the place feel better for her, for us. You really can’t make a funeral home feel very good, especially when it’s your child there in the casket. (Paula) The funeral home was the site for the wakes and for most the site for the funerals.

The women spoke of the difficulty in getting through those two or three days. Some told of the importance of experiencing those days.

It was amazing how many came to the funeral. Then it was over and everyone but the family filed out. Then they started to close the casket. I think my heart stopped. I wanted to scream but nothing came out. I wanted to beg, please don’t close it. I didn’t want him to be gone. (Vicki)