REAL ESTATE
UPPER ST. CLAIR
By Pamela Palongue
o you have anyone addicted to power tools living in your home? Do their eyes glaze over when they enter the local hardware store? Do they sometimes try to replace the washers in your washerless faucets? Have they been known to use a jack hammer to refinish your hardwood floors? If this sounds familiar, there is help. In my own case, I will never forget the moment I realized I was married to a compulsive handyman. It was a summer day that began like any other. I had left early in the morning for some weekly grocery shopping and a few errands. I returned just a few short hours later to find my husband standing in the middle of the bathtub amid wall tiles and debris up to his knees. He froze in midswing of the sledge hammer with drywall dust still floating silently down around us. The bathroom wall had been taken down to the bare plumbing, presumably to fix a minor leak. When he saw my look of horror, he sheepishly told me that he had to break down the wall in order to gain access to the plumbing. When I pointed out that we would no longer be able to take showers, he reminded me how much money we were saving by not calling a licensed plumber. This incident was not the main cause of the divorce, as I largely blame myself for leaving him unsupervised in the house with access to heavy equipment. I have since learned that with a few easy, inexpensive changes, you too can leave your home with the comfort of knowing it will be reasonably intact upon your return. The easiest solution is to prevent the purchase of power tools in the first place. When your handyman casually mentions that he has to “stop by the lumberyard and pick up a few things,” distract him by mentioning the playoffs, offering to cook his favorite food or showing him the latest issue of the Victoria’s Secret catalog. Next, use the parental controls on your TV set to block out HGTV, DIY Network or any other channels that may convince your handyman that he can add a wing to the house over the weekend. Cover ALL appliances with several rolls of duct tape. (This will deter him from taking them apart.) Although this is not guaranteed to prevent the dismantling of your refrigerator, it will slow him down considerably. Finally, if all else fails, tell him the local electronics store has just introduced a new line of plasma screen TVs that are 9 x 20 feet, the exact dimensions of the north wall of your house. Keep in mind that he will likely be extremely disappointed upon learning that no such TV exists outside of the Starship Enterprise on Star Trek. He may instead buy an extreme number of video games and cameras, but at least he cannot destroy the house with Dungeons and Dragons.
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Upper St. Clair