Don’t Man Up, It’s Good To Talk

Men seem so good at cracking a joke or keeping busy with hobbies, over-working or hiding in their man caves to distract themselves from their emotional reaction to the unforeseen traumas and losses that life throws at us.

When we are happy or receive good news, we want to share it with the important people in our lives (and even those who aren’t in our lives get splashed with our excitement). When we receive sad or bad news, it should be exactly the same - both emotions need equal expression.

Yet society seems to have programmed men to be the strong one in the family, the one who doesn’t fall apart or let the tears show. The truth is, you can’t be anything for anyone, the best thing you can be is honest. Verbalising and sharing our feelings and grief with honesty about what we are feeling helps us to process our emotion in the present moment and connects us to what is going on around us. We also begin to understand each other on a deeper level, human to human.

Verbalising our emotions at the time we experience them is a powerful release and can help prevent a build-up of tension which can manifest and take its toll in many different ways - whether through anger or other damaging emotions. I find that anger tends not to be an emotion in its own right but stems from either sadness or fear. Next time you feel angry, ask yourself what you are frightened of or what is making you sad.

Are boys programmed in childhood?

In these days of social media, children already have a hard enough time fitting in, so how do we help a child through loss and how can we encourage them to deal with their losses comfortably, confidently and above all, not

to compare themselves to others when they experience their own losses?

We have all heard the comments “If you cry, go to your room”’ or “You’re a big boy; what are you crying for? I’ll give you something to cry about”. Or maybe we offer them sweets or chocolate in an attempt to distract them. All this does is send mixed messages, suggesting that feeling sad is wrong and should be hidden, rather than accepting and working through the emotion. Offering sweets and chocolate can then inadvertently drive the child to soothe themselves with food or some other substance.

This can manifest itself in later years as ‘comfort eating’. Every time something challenging happens, they may seek to find the answer in food etc. It never comes and just creates a vicious circle.

When children cry, they cry for a reason. Ask them what the matter is. Let them speak without interrupting. Accept what they say and feedback words to you show you have listened and heard them. Offer them a hug if they want one, but only after they have finished talking. Encourage them to talk through their tears - the emotion is contained in the words and speaking the words can help to unravel emotional confusion.

Girls don’t have the monopoly on tear ducts boys have them and that means men have them too! We should all be able to express our sadness through tears and words or in whatever way is right for each us without comment, comparison, judgement or consideration of gender.

Our emotional reactions are our own and it’s ok to feel differently to others when we experience the same loss. We are not carbon copies of each another. When we suffer significant emotional loss, we don’t really know how we should react and what we should say. If we feel judged or compared with, we can start to doubt if what we are feeling is right and acceptable to others and we begin to question ourselves, so we make changes to try and fit in which aren’t natural or right for us. As we learn to hide our painful emotions, we can then become emotionally awkward and can carry this through to adulthood.

When we find ourselves comforting someone who has suffered a loss, we don’t really know what to say and so we either don’t say anything or try to change the subject. Perhaps the griever should go first… put into words what they are feeling and just ask the other person to listen.

When we are speaking from a place of pain, we aren’t having a conversation, we are making a statement. We have wonderful role models today - Princes Harry and William and Rio Ferdinand. They have shown us that it’s ok to struggle when someone we love has died.

It will feel strange and we may feel vulnerable when we start to open up, but keep going. Putting your pain into words is one of the greatest and most healing things you can do.

It takes courage and by sharing your feelings with others you will be showing them that it’s ok to open up too.

Lianna Champ has over 40 years’ experience in grief counselling and funeral care and is author of practical guide, How to Grieve Like A Champ