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F A M I LY W E L L N E S S
Pornography Addiction:
4 Steps to Healing By Erin Rackham, MS, LAMFT Pornography addiction and compulsive pornography use are becoming more and more prevalent with the rise of the anonymity, accessibility, and affordability of internet porn. It is no wonder that Utah legislators have recently declared it a “public health crisis”. Unfortunately, with this increase in pornography use has come an increase in relational distress as well. Many relationships begin to struggle with the revelation of a partner’s pornography use because it feels like infidelity to the partner, which feels traumatic and takes time to heal. So if you’re the pornography-user in your relationship, but you’d like to stop, what can you do? How do we heal from such a devastating habit? 1. Insight. Think about when this all started. What was happening in your life at the time you began intentionally seeking out pornography regularly? Chances are high that it was a particularly stressful time, whether you were 12 years old or 21. Most people who struggle with pornography use started seeking it out because they realized it helped them cope with the stresses happening in their life. This is why a lot of people relapse once they get married, which is counterintuitive until you realize that marriage is one of the most stressful relationships we can have, and the first year of marriage brings with it a certain amount of stress and painful emotions people often don’t know how to cope with. 2. Access your emotions. So now you know what was happening when you started using, now try and think about how you were feeling. If this is too hard, think about the last time you used pornography and what you were feeling just before. Usually people are trying to escape from painful and overwhelming emotions like sadness, hurt, shame, pain, or fear. This is particularly true for men, who have been socialized to only feel anger or sexual. These vulnerable, softer, emotions often don’t have an outlet, so they build up until they become overwhelming and the man has to escape from them by distracting himself with pornography and the endorphin release that comes with it. 3. Accept, listen to, and act on your emotions. Once you can identify the emotions that drive your pornography use, work on accepting that you feel them from time to time. Realize that it’s healthy, normal, and completely okay to feel sad, hurt, scared, lonely, etc. Once you can accept instead of suppress these emotions, you can listen to what they’re trying to tell you. Much like in the recent Pixar movie Inside Out, our emotions are there to keep us safe and functional. When you’re willing to let them share their fears with you, they go away faster than when you fight them. Once you can listen to what they are telling you, you are in control of how you act on them, instead of them controlling how you cope with them 32 www.utvalleywellness.com
(i.e. pornography). 4. Share, shame-bust, and reach out. About the Author Probably the most important step in the Erin is a therapist at the Provo Center for Couples healing process is to reach out to others. and Families. As a licensed The cure for addiction is not abstinence, associate marriage and family it’s connection. Most porn-users are therapist, she specializes isolated, wear a metaphorical mask in treating pornography addiction in individuals all day, and feel alone. The first step to and couples. She is currently reducing the shame you feel about your pursuing a PhD in MFT at addiction and your emotions is to share BYU and lives in Provo with them! Instead of relapsing, call someone her husband and puppy. to talk through what you’re feeling in the moment. Share your feelings with your partner and let them comfort you instead of letting pornography numb the feelings for you. You’ll be surprised how helpful moral support can be when it comes to processing painful emotions. If you feel that you or your partner may need help with a pornography addiction, reach out today to a therapist in your community! Stay tuned for our last article in this series – “What to Do When My Partner is Addicted to Pornography.” To read the previous article in this series, visit www.utvalleywellness.com.