SOUVENIR ‘THINGY’ GAMES SPECIAL EDITION @loadedmag
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SUMMER 2012
£3.99
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for men who should know better
rosie jones
and arnie the bulldog
the prodigy
keith flint: still buzzing
david price
boxing’s great hope
clubbing
caribbean vs ibiza
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Editor’s letter Brian Clough would have sorted out the England team
Unlike ‘The Turnip’, ‘The Wally With A Brolly’ and the man who resigned in a puddle of tears in trap one at Wembley, the suits at the FA never found the balls to hand Brian Clough the England job. Until today, Old Big Head’s greatest achievement was two consecutive European Cup triumphs with Nottingham Forest – no small feat at a provincial club nobody had heard of. He also formed the greatest double act in the history of football with Peter Taylor and managed to insult just about everyone who took themselves too seriously (and those who didn’t for that matter). But that was then and this is now, so step forward Cloughie – loaded has voted you the Greatest Living (sic) Englishman. The competition was stiff with Dusty Bin, Sid James and Billy ‘Wonga’ Wright tackling hard, but the messiah who walked on water (well, the River Trent) won in extra time. I hope you enjoy our humble tribute to the great man, which may not be the best thing you’ve ever read, but it will be in the top one! Speaking of football, the Euros weren’t a complete disaster for England – we managed to get through the group stage and we actually saw Rooney score (please insert joke here). Have a read of what’s next for England and Rooney in our great new football column, Macca’s World. Bring on the start of the new football season before I go stir-crazy watching elite Olympic athletes compete at the elitist, corporatesponsored, stage-managed Games. It’s incredible, we assumed the London Olympics being on our doorstep would mean access all areas, the people’s games, but the reality is it would be closer if it was on the moon!
EDITORIAL
EDITOR Ian Edmondson ian@loaded.co.uk DEPUTY EDITOR Joel Gilgallon joel@loaded.co.uk ART DIRECTOR Becky Quinn becky@loaded.co.uk ASSISTANT EDITOR (PRODUCTION) Adam Thorn adam@loaded.co.uk FEATURES EDITOR Ben Duffy ben@loaded.co.uk DESIGNER: Mitch Williams mitch@loaded.co.uk FASHION EDITOR Bella Rox bella@loaded.co.uk FASHION ASSISTANT Lucas Armitage lucas@loaded.co.uk CONTRIBUTORS WORDS: Martin Pashley, Macca, Sam Rowe, Steve Wraith, Mr. Warrior, Mia Bleach, Sally Fish, Harriet Notton, Jasper Taylor, Matthew Drake PHOTOGRAPHY: Tom Barnes, Ian Dewsbury, James Cheadle, David Marquez, Adam Turner, Antonio Petronzio, Jay Mawson
SUITS MANAGING DIRECTOR Ray Kidd GENERAL MANAGER Andrew Sukal BRAND MANAGER Lee Saunderson Lee@loaded.co.uk PRODUCTION MANAGER Lisa Poston Lisa@loaded.co.uk ACCOUNTS ASSISTANT Pam Stewart Pam.Stewart@bluepublishing.net
ADDRESS Blue Publishing Limited, 23 Lyon Road, Hersham, Surrey, KT12 3PU, TEL 020 8873 4413 EMAIL letters@loaded.co.uk, WEBSITE www.loaded.co.uk TWITTER @loadedmag 23 Lyon Road , Hersham, Surrey KT12 3PU e-mail: Copyright © Blue Publishing Limited 2012 all rights reserved. No part of this magazine may be reproduced in whole or in part without the written permission of the publishers. Unsolicited contributions must be accompanied by a stamped addressed envelope if they are to be returned. We cannot accept responsibility for unsolicited manuscripts and photographs or for material lost or damaged in the post. Letters submitted to loaded or its editors are assumed to be intended for publication in whole or in part. The mention or appearance or likeness of any person or organisation in articles or advertising in this publication is not to be taken as any indication of sexual, social or political orientation of such persons or organisations. Newstrade distribution by Comag Specialist, Tavistock Works, Tavistock Road, West Drayton UB7 7QX. Published by Blue Publishing Limited. Printed by BGP
IAN EDMONDSON EDITOR
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contents
summer issue 2012 ✶ issue 222
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10GADGET GWAG
Sexy presenter Pollyanna Woodward reveals to us the joys of being a golf WAG
football
feature
38ROSIE JONES 32MACCA’S WORLD The number-one columnist in football has his say on the England problem, the Rooney solution, how to get the best out of Wazza and a few lessons he could learn from Italian wizard Pirlo
Feast your eyes on Rosie as she talks all things Olympic
50 DAVID PRICE
Find out the England heavyweight’s masterplan
LA 34INSIDE MASÍA 60KEITH FLINT
18 20JONGLEURS COMEDY ARE 27WHERE THEY NOW? DANNY WALLACE
We take a look inside the world-class Barcelona youth academy
He’s as mad as ever but now it’s extreme sports that get the firestarter going
style
116FIX UP
Hats and Hawaiian shirts, we take care of all the fashion necessities for summer
We head to the White Isle to find the best clubs and craziest nights in the party capital of the world
You can’t head to the beach without one – but which one?
122CRAZY CONOR
If you thought that Conor Maynard was a Justin Bieber wannabe, think again!
THE 90MEET BOSS
Welcome to the amazing world of loaded’s new owner
129 36
GIANLUCA VIALLI
The little Italian has his say on the start of the Premier League and the ‘Sack Race’
We reveal the results of the greatest living Englishman. We were shocked by one of the finalists and you will be too. But there can be no complaints with the winner
138IBIZA NIGHTS
130BEACH TOWELS
Remember Charlie And The Chocolate Factory? loaded tracked down Charlie and you’ll never guess where!
GREATEST 30 LIVING ENGLISHMAN
reviews
148BENGA FLIP FLOPS
The best flip flops for the beach. No, leave the socks
98
21 YEARS OF BLUR
We speak to Alex James
The dubstep act tells loaded why he’s the main man around
150MOVIES
Danny Brightmore has a look at the latest movies including Ted, from Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane. He also takes a look at The Expendables 2
152FOOTY BOOKS
We review the best books from the footballing world. Better known for their footwork, what do their hands have to offer?
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SOUVENIR ‘THINGY’ GAMES SPECIAL EDITION for men who should know better
@loadedmag
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on the cover
we scoop the story they all wanted
MACCA’S FOOTBALL COLUMN ROONEY: THE MISSING LINK
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football
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gadget POLLYANNA WOODWARD Words BEN DUFFY Photography JAY MAWSON
Say hello to the sexiest tech nerd you ever did see. Yep, she’s even hotter than Zuckerberg
HAIR AND MAKE-UP BY JOHANNA DALEMO, STYLING BY GEORGIA LACEY
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he is the sexy queen of gadgets who is happily putting down her toys to settle into her new role as a GWAG (that’s golfer’s WAG to you). The Gadget Show presenter, Pollyanna Woodward, had a hard time after a messy and public divorce in which her ex, Lee Clark, blamed Peter Andre for the separation, claiming the two had shared raunchy text messages. She is now happy and in a relationship with English golfer, Paul Casey.
As she strikes creative poses, Pollyanna looks back and laughs about the rumours surrounding her and the Mysterious Girl singer. “Ah, all of that is nonsense! Oh my God, it’s the biggest pile of nonsense ever! I met Peter at a dinner and then texted him about getting tickets for a concert so me and my niece could go, and my ex-husband went into a jealous rage and decided to make a mountain out of a molehill. To be quite honest, he went well over the top. I only spoke to Peter that evening and texted him on two occasions. It was very annoying at the time with my ex dragging names through the mud when they were so innocent it was untrue. It wasn’t right for someone to do that. But luckily, now time has passed, I can just laugh it off – if someone is going to be like that, you can’t help but feel a bit sorry for them. So never mind.”
meeting the man
The bubbly 30-year-old is now four months into a new relationship with golfer Paul Casey and will happily call herself a GWAG. “When I’m not
gadgeteering, I’m with him so I am a bit of a golf wag – a wag with a job, now that’s a rarity!” Watching her new partner has also encouraged Pollyanna to take up the sport herself, although she does have a problem with losing balls. “I learned to play last year, although I don’t listen to anything Paul says – he just can’t give me lessons, it doesn’t work. He doesn’t even bother trying anymore! My official handicap is 36 but when I’m playing a lot more, I’m much better than that. I want to get out a bit more on the golf course. “I met Paul at the Abu Dhabi Grand Prix in 2010. We got on really well. We were introduced by Eddie Jordan actually, who knows everyone. Me and Eddie were presenting the Grand Prix ball and he introduced me to a few people. Paul and I got on really well from the start: we both love cars, gadgets and sport and we were friends for about six or seven months first. I was going through a divorce and his marriage ended as well. Then I was cheeky enough to ask him out a couple of months later and he said yes. It was great, we weren’t trying to impress each other.” Sticking up for her fellow GWAGs, Pollyanna believes there is class and culture in golf, and their men are far less likely to run wild (Tiger Woods being a major exception). “In golf, there’s a certain etiquette – it seems like more of an elite sport that has become available to the masses. It teaches manners and smart behaviour that you don’t get so much in other sports like football. There is more prestige with golf. Most people who go out with sportsmen haven’t got a lot going on. Most don’t get up to anything, and good for them if they like that but I would go crazy if I wasn’t working and out doing stuff.” loaded.co.uk l 011
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Pollyanna is into her second year on Channel 5’s The Gadget Show, and her lust for gadgets has seen her travelling all over the world in search of the latest technology – and yet it was Scotland that left her feeling excited and wanting more. “We’ve been to Iceland, Israel, Dubai, Japan, America, Switzerland, Germany and Scotland. I think America does gadgets really well, but there were a couple of things that came out of Scotland which were quite surprising. There was one thing that we touched on in the Scottish show and it’s quite impressive. It’s called Li-Fi and it’s another way to send data to your phone – they use lights instead of a wireless network. You stick your phone under a lamp and it gives you an instant internet connection. It’s so random and really impressive.”
gadget woman
Pollyanna maintains that where a job’s concerned, if you don’t ask, you don’t get. She has watched The Gadget Show since she was a teenager. “I approached them, told them I’d always loved the show and that if they needed a presenter then to please try me. So they called me two weeks later and screen-tested me and then I got the job. I’ve literally been ticking things off my bucket list for the last two years.” But despite all the weird and wonderful gadgets she’s had her hands on, it’s social networking on her smartphone that really gets her going. “I couldn’t live without it. I have a habit of breaking phones though – I’m always dropping them, especially at airports. I don’t know why but I just trash them.” The new series of The Gadget Show will be on your screens in October on Channel 5, with Pollyanna showing off the latest phones, tablets and future toys. Until then, you’ll find her on the golf course practicing her swing. ■ loaded
“MY OFFICIAL HANDICAP IS 36 BUT I’M MUCH BETTER USUALLY” 012 l loaded.co.uk
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“I’VE LITERALLY BEEN TICKING THINGS OFF MY BUCKET LIST FOR THE PAST TWO YEARS”
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“I’M ALWAYS DROPPING MY PHONES. I DON’T KNOW WHY BUT I JUST TRASH THEM”
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Move aside Scientologists, Britain’s biggest cult leader, Xfm’s Danny Wallace, tells embattled Tom Cruise to er, keep up the bad work
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oor Maverick. Tom Cruise has been having a tough time of it lately. Once the ultimate poster boy of Scientology, loaded’s second favourite bonkers religion (see Raelians p66), he’s now lost his wife, his daughter and almost certainly a massive wad of cash in a messy divorce settlement. Hell, even loyal wingman Goose would probably have ditched him by now. But Danny Wallace, the Xfm DJ who has thousands of followers to his own bizarre cult he started over ten years ago, has a few words of support. “Tom is doing a wonderful job being a religious leader, and Scientology is ticking all the boxes,” he laughs. “They need to make their mission statement a little friendlier though. But you can’t really knock him… it’s classic cult leader excellence!” And what about his longsuffering beau Katie Holmes, would he let the Dawson’s Creek star into his very own inner circle? “We could find space for Katie, I’m sure. Also I’m quite tall, so I don’t mind if she wears high heels, which I think was one of the issues she’s had.” Danny, who – no joke – refers to himself as ‘The Leader’, has had an astonishingly varied career. Starting off as a producer working on The Mighty Boosh, he dabbled in journalism, wrote books, presented TV programmes, and now hosts his own daily breakfast show on London’s biggest rock station. But it was his original experiment to create his own religion ten years ago that saw his profile soar.
WORDS ADAM THORN PHOTOGRAPHY RUAN VAN DER SANDE
Good fridays
loaded wonders how he went about getting a following all of his own? “Ten years ago I put an ad in the paper that just said join me,” explains Danny, “and people didn’t know what or why and neither did I. All people had to do was send a passport photo to prove who they were. Quickly people started to join and soon I had hundreds of photos and all these people calling me ‘The Leader’ but I had nothing to do. Obviously, I thought about using my powers for evil but choose good instead. So I asked people to do a random act of kindness on Fridays so I could call them Good Fridays – as if they were joining the Good Friday Agreement. Once a year we have a thing called Karmageddon, and do something nice before going to the pub and getting drunk. We had the tenth anniversary, K10, in December and it was amazing. Kids have been born through Join Me and some have got married, so I feel like a true leader.” loaded searched through the group’s online forums where one follower explained how an old man told him to ‘bugger off’ after he offered to pay for his newspaper. Surely all these sickeningly nice acts are bound to get some poor sap into danger? “So far there has been no real trouble despite it being hard to do things for a stranger, yet 9 out of 10 times it goes really well. If someone is touched by it then it is a win win situation. There was one lady who bought a drink in her local coffee shop and explained to the staff that she wanted to pay for the order of the person
Danny on...
LUNATIC RADIO CALLERS
I welcome nutters on my show, it’s brilliant when something goes wrong. It’s more fun when you have to get yourself out of trouble. Unplanned stuff is always better than scripted stuff.
behind her because it was Good Friday. And then when she came back the next week, the barista explained that the person behind her offered to do the same and it continued through 21 people. I don’t know who the 22nd person was but we might have the first rinsing on our hands!” With an army of people, admittedly good-spirited, ready to take orders, Danny decided it was time to take things a step further and get himself a country all of his own. “I declared my flat an independent state a while ago,” he adds without hesitation. “Have you heard those stories about missiles being on top of people’s homes in East London before the Olympics? Well they recently put some on top of my old apartment. It feels like the British government is now moving in the military as a final show of strength.”
bizarre situations
Danny has made a career out of writing books and columns about the strange and bizarre situations he – at least – thinks he finds himself in. From running out of change at the cheese counter to what presents to take to a housewarming, his over-analysing of mundane events has become one of his unique traits. “A lot of these things are just normal situations, but it’s my internal monologue to how I react to it. For instance, a picture of me and a monkey was used in an advertising campaign in Egypt for a hotel chain. It was because somebody Googled it and suddenly I’m all over the country. A little while after I became the face of Jesus Ween – a Christian campaign to get rid of Halloween. I didn’t give permission but I enjoyed the fact it happened.” So what crazy situation has he found himself in this week? “My infant son has learnt the world ‘help’ and uses it all the time,” says Danny. “The other day I walked to the park and he starting shouting it when he saw a women who looked like his mum – so the other people there saw me in a comflaged jacket chasing a kid through a park screaming ‘help!’ So how would this jack of all trades actually describe himself? “I’m the friendly face of evil dictatorships. Maybe the most powerful man with no power, but it’s all on paper so it all counts.” Tom Cruise, we hope you’re taking notes. ■ loaded Listen to Danny on Xfm between 6 - 10am on weekdays morning.
“I’m the most powerful man who has no real power. But it’s on paper so it counts”
BEING ON LOOSE WOMEN I wouldn’t say it was a career highlight! I was doing a sitcom pilot in America and IMDB added it. An American executive I was pitching to found the title very intriquing.
FUTURE DOMINATION
Emperor is next or space travel, perhaps writing a new bible? My plan is always go with the funnest thing because if you do it well you’ll probably get asked to have more fun.
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@ and future ts c a y d e m o c t s u to the bigge o y s e c u d o tr in d loade
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he first time I went to Jongleurs it was with my mum and her work mates. It was the first comedy night I’d ever been to, and the compare picked on us straight away. Oh, I forgot to mention that we were sitting in the front row and I had train-track braces on my teeth. Thankfully, the host was very friendly, and didn’t waste any time in letting me know how many Pokémon cards I still had to collect, before regaling – in graphic detail – my father’s inevitable sexual horror as I emerged into the world, or “Tearing a great big whole that would
Your guest loaded compare is.. .
ruin his love life forever,” I believe were his precise words. I’ve never sat on a front row at a comedy night since. Not because I get embarrassed easily, but because I now have a massive blonde afro, so it wouldn’t be fair on the rest of the crowd. Honest. So, here for your distaste are a gaggle of gag merchants to give you a bit of a giggle...
TOMMY HOLGATE
JARRED CHRISTMAS
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iwi funny man Jarred Christmas doesn’t just sing and dance about Pot Noodles. Nah, he’s good ’n’ proper. Not bad at bowling either, but that’s another story. Anyway, Jarred will have you pissing your pants with laughter at the Edinburgh Fringe festival with his one-man show, Let’s Go MoFo, this August...
“In New Zealand, 16 is a very important age. When you turn 16 you can legally drive, legally have sex and legally have same-sex sex. Very confusing time. When I turned 16 I didn’t know whether to drive my mate around or bum him. Let’s just say we aren’t friends anymore. I saw a 50/50 option and I went for a good time.”
“Tiger Woods is addicted to sex. Well done Tiger. We are all addicted to sex. It’s just some of us aren’t good-looking enough or rich enough to fuck anyone we want, we have to stick with one person. He has to go to rehab where he doesn’t have sex for ages. That’s not rehab. That’s my 20s.” “I met a girl the other night. Full-on bitch. So I had sex with her just to teach her a lesson. And man, I was shit. She so got what she deserved.”
GLEN SHERMAN
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len ‘Lenny’ Sherman came to our attention when he started talking about fingering a tortoise. Cos that’s what we like. Tortoise. It was during the Jongleurs’ Comic Idol competition, and he bagged second spot. He’s also a deft joke writer, not held back by those pesky boundaries of political correctness or owt. “I was gonna have a nice lie-in this morning but I got woke up by my next door neighbour’s screaming kids... I completely forgot I had ’em tied up in my wardrobe!” “My little girl was drinking a can of Coke with her grandad. He said, ‘Look Constance you’ve got a pink straw and I’ve got a blue straw, do you know why that is?’ She said ‘Yeah grandad, I’ve got mine cos I’m a little girl and you’ve got yours cos you had a stroke!’” “A geezer come up to me the other day and said ‘What are your views on Muslims?’ I said ‘Pretty good, I got a penthouse overlooking a Mosque.’” “I’m totally against mindless violence. You should always plan your attacks.”
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ndrew’s a lawyer, so he knows loads of stuff. Luckily for us, he’s burned his court wig and channelled his intellect into humour, which means we can go and watch him and feel like we’re learning, but really laughing at the thought of him posting erotic pics on men’s dating websites. Yes, he does that. “My girlfriend is a chubby-chaser. But there wasn’t that much chasing involved: I got ten yards, I started wheezing and had to sit down. That’s the way I roll. Literally. We’ve been living together for six months so I suggested we invite someone else to share our bed. She freaked out! But I’ve had Teddy since I was three... She won’t have soft toys in the bed. Her hard toys – well that’s a different story...
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ill E has been storming Jongleurs’ stages for ages. When we first saw him, it was at the launch of another new club a couple of years back. Even Chico from the X Factor stood up during the applause and screamed, “You’re a star!” Yep, that’s right, even Chico. Just don’t take your girlfriend to watch him. Not cos he’s offensive, but because she’ll probably want to kiss him on the mouth.
“I went down on a woman so fat I needed a hard hat. Then she sat on my face and I couldn’t hear the music “You don’t get anymore. That’s necrophiliac too much ass orgies, do you? for the face!” I guess people just think, ‘Well, I’d like to go, but I’ve got no body to go with...’”
My friend’s a necrophile. She thinks corpses are hot. Well, cold. But in a hot way.
“Women are so much better at cheating than men. When women cheat, they take a week planner and sync it with their girlfriend’s. When a man does it, he goes and buys the condom, fucks the woman, then gets home and puts the receipt on the dresser.”
NEXTH MONuTrgh Edinbival Fest ial Spec
“A duck and the taxman have one thing in common with Jimmy Carr – they can both stick their bills up their ass!”
COMIC IDOL FINALISTS
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enny isn’t the only quickwit to emerge from the Comic Idol final. Below are some more sizzlers from more of the bunch...
JASON KAVAN “My worst gig ever was just after my dad died. His Funeral. My ventriloquism act went down terribly.”
ROB CARTER “My ex-wife had a body like an hourglass. Big Boobs, little waist, big bum... And no legs.”
NEIL MCFARLANE “I learnt something this week. Breast screening, it’s not what it sounds like.”
NAOMI HEFTER
“Some people don’t want children. I want children in the future, so they can be alive when Justin Bieber dies.” TEZ ILYAS “My flatmate Rachel said to me the other day, ‘Hey Tez, I think you’d look better without a beard’. I said, ‘To be honest, the feeling’s mutual.’”
TO BOOK TICKETS VISIT WWW.JONGLEURS.COM OR CALL 08700 111 960 loaded.co.uk l 021
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N E X T DAY U K DE L I V E RY* * | T R AC K YOU R OR DE R * *PL ACE YOU R OR DE R BE FOR E 5PM MON DAY TO T H U R SDAY A N D R ECE I V E T H E N E X T WOR K I NG DAY * T& Cs A PPLY F U L L DETA I LS AVA I L A BLE W W W.SCOT TSM ENSW E A R.COM
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POSTCARDS FROM THE EDGE
We played a game of conkers – with Iron Mike
Trevor Cox, of Geordie indie rockers The Longsands, went toe-totoe with former heavyweight champ Tyson in a playground duel then sat down and ordered a camomile tea with honey on the side and called his agent to discuss a few incoming deals. I waited until he had finished his call and then asked him if he fancied a game of conkers? He looked a little bemused and one of his advisers told him he didn’t have to do it but he was intrigued enough to take the weaker one off me and see what it was all about.” Happy to take up the challenge, Trevor then explained the rules of the game to the former undisputed heavyweight champion of the world. “I had to tell Mike to keep his conker still which I thought he had taken offence at. He then said he would ‘beat my arse’ if I hurt his fingers. There was no turning back now. I took my best shot and missed by a country mile. I gave him his go and he missed too, but as it was Mike Tyson and he was making his debut, I let him have another go and with that he cracked my bloody conker into pieces. Mike showed he can turn his hand to any game and be a champion. I guess I should count myself lucky I didn’t have to put on a pair of boxing gloves today. At least I can walk home with my broken conker and won’t be drinking out of a straw for the next few months. Every cloud eh!” The Longsands went on to record a variety of challenges with famous sporting celebs after Trevor’s defeat. They included darts with Ricky Hatton, the egg and spoon race with double ashes-winner Steve Harmison and British bulldog with the Newcastle Falcons rugby team. “They say from a small seed an acorn grows, but in our case it was a conker. We had
a great laugh doing the challenges and it’s been a different angle to promote the band with.” Meet Me In Spanish City is released on Unknown Soldier Records and available on iTunes. Mike Tyson will be touring the UK in October. For information call 0191 2299631.
HTIARW EVETS :SDROW
WORDS: STEVE WRAITH PIC: CORBIS
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ith the British music scene stagnating from the influx of hastily-assembled wannabee bands from talentless television shows, it’s refreshing to come across a group that not only has a great sound but, more importantly, a good nose for publicity gimmicks. The Longsands are a fivepiece indie act from Newcastle who have played with the likes of Ocean Colour Scene and The Charlatans, while their debut album Meet Me In Spanish City is well worth a listen. Frontman Trevor Cox’s most ingenious stunt though involved roping in a pretty-confused Mike Tyson for a quick sesh at playground classic conkers. “We were offered the opportunity to play at an event with ‘Iron’ Mike in Gateshead,” lead singer Trevor explains to loaded. “He was going to do a question and answer session and we were the warm-up act. We were told by our manager we would get a chance to meet him and I thought that it would be a great opportunity to get a few column inches in the press if I could get him to do something daft. I had an old conker lying around in the studio and it was unbeaten! So I thought if I got the chance, I’d challenge him to a game. “When Tyson walked into the room my arse dropped,” laughs Trevor. “He may not have fought in the ring for a few years but you wouldn’t want a right hook off him. He was introduced to me and the lads but he was very polite – calling us all Sir. I’m sure he was trying to butter me up before I challenged him. He
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WHERE ARE THEY NOW
Pete with his trademark moustache
Pete er, tending to the cows
Pete as Charlie Bucket
Peter Ostrum
Willy Wonka’s Charlie Bucket is now pulling golden tickets from animals’ arseholes
WORDS: SALLY FISH PICTURES: REX
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hocolate rivers, packets of everlasting gobstoppers and a psychedelic dream world where everything the eye can see is edible and delicious: watching Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory made you feel like your lager had been spiked with meow meow and gave you a taste for orange Oompa Loompas. But if there is one thing Jacko’s Neverland ranch taught us, it’s where there are little folk, there’s a nut job to watch over them. Peter Ostrum was the lucky bugger who gobbled up the last remaining golden ticket as Charlie Bucket and led his bed-bound and pissstained old grandpa off to the promised land. Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory, at that time, was run by funnyman Gene Wilder, who was upping production of Laffy Taffy and Runts. Yet despite Peter’s phenomenal success, he chose to turn his back on the bright lights and live a reclusive life in Glenfield, New York State as a vet. Now sporting a moustache a psycho murderer would be proud of, he spends his days putting his hands up a herd of cows’ arses. After enduring the gruelling filming schedule of Wonka, Peter decided he wanted a job with satisfaction so he went to Cornell university to become a veterinarian. “I didn’t want the only thing I was remembered for to be something I did when I was 12. Hopefully I’ve done things beyond that with my career,” says Pete. “Being in the film industry as a child was hard, and I couldn’t keep it going. But in the end leaving was the right decision. Now it’s just
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something that’s on my résumé. I was just in the right place at the right time.” loaded put in numerous phone calls to the Countryside Veterinary Clinic in Lowville in a bid to track him down, but even a conversation with his wife Loretta ended with her informing us her husband was inspecting a large herd of cattle and couldn’t get to the phone.
ashamed
In 1970 Peter, who was scouted at the age of 12 performing at his local theatre, was given ten days to prepare for filming in Munich, Germany which was a cool 4300 miles away from his home in Cleveland, USA. After his six months on set, Peter decided one film was enough for him and returned home to try and become a normal 13-year-old boy. Despite this change of heart, he still looks back on the experience with fond memories. “It’s been a part of me since I was a kid,” he said later. “It’s difficult to separate it from my life.” But he didn’t always look back with pride. For many years, Peter denied it. He even didn’t tell his wife until she met his mother. But if you say you prefer the 2005 remake, loaded will probably hurt you. Pete is polite but
we’re sure he agrees. “People always ask ‘What do you think of Johnny Depp’s version?’ I like Johnny, and what it did was make our film more popular,” he said. Which is surely just a subtle way of saying he thinks it was shit, too. Peter’s recent return to the spotlight was in the US reality series Veterinarians On Call last year where the quiet little man was seen sticking a thermometer up a sick cow’s arsehole and smelling its ‘nasal discharge’. Last year, the child stars from Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory reunited to mark the 40th anniversary since its production on the Today Show in America. And it revealed what happened to the rest of the gang. Denise Nickerson, who played Violet Beauregarde (the precocious bitch who chewed gum and turned into a blueberry), went on to exciting things and is now an accountant at an engineering plant. Michael Bollner who starred as Augustus Gloop (the fatty who wouldn’t have lasted five minutes at loaded’s secondary school), is still a rather large tax accountant in Munich and he’s still rolling in it by the looks of things. Julie Dawn Cole, who played Veruca Salt (the spoilt English brat), enjoyed a career in TV until recently when she became a psychotherapist. Meanwhile Paris Themmen (the tele-obsessed Mike Teevee) has dabbled in a number of careers in real estate, retail and finance and now lives in New York. Still, it could have been worse, they could have ended up joining Michael Jackson’s sleepover club. Scrumdidilyumptious. ■ loaded
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Kris Marshall
Our journalist asks a ‘celebrity’ the questions no one else has the balls to
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MARTINEY PASHLUS VERS
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or seven long years, Kris Marshall played ‘Adam the ginger fella’ in those BT adverts that were the bane of every commercial break. And though in a long acting career he has appeared in countless other TV shows and films, including middle-class sitcom My Family and the Hugh Grant cinematic atrocity, Love Actually, he is currently still best known as the lanky, soppy-hearted bloke with a girlfriend who looks about 15 years older than him. After BT joined the rest of the nation in getting bored with all this unfunny nonsense, they replaced him and his ‘family’ with an even more irritating bunch of tools. loaded got him on the phone and talked pygmy sex, Rice Krispies, and AIDS. We also found out that he is rather a good sport too.
My BT landline quality is shocking, could you do something about it?
[Laughs] I get a lot of people coming up to me in the street saying pretty unoriginal stuff like that. There was a guy who pulled up next to me in his car one day and shouted ‘Leave the bitch, leave her!’
It’s a good point. You looked years younger than her – it was a bit creepy and disturbing at times. I’ve always thought it was more a kinky mother/son thing going on...
I’m nearly as old as her – it’s the drink and drugs that keep me looking so young. But she’s a lovely girl and it was a pleasure to bring up her children.
Did you get to sleep with her in real life?
[Laughs] No, beautiful question, but no.
Do you worry about typecasting?
PICS: THE ADVERTISING ARCHIVES
No. They were a small part of what I was doing. I went to America and was in a couple of TV shows there. I did movies so I don’t think I will be typecast. It’s about changing people’s perception.
You once did a movie about pygmies called Oka!. Is this because you feel gingers such as yourself are unfairly persecuted in the same way as small people? No, ginger-haired people are much more persecuted than pygmies.
Were you loads taller than them?
Yes, quite a bit. They are around 4ft tall and I’m around 6ft 2.
So were you lording it up like C3P0 did over the Ewoks in Return Of The Jedi? (Laughs) No. But they think you are very
wealthy. Which, of course, in comparison to them you are.
I have to ask this: did you sleep with any of your new pygmy friends?
No, no. There was always a chance to sleep with someone in Africa, but I’m all right for AIDS so I didn’t indulge.
You discover a female Bigfoot living at the bottom of your garden, do you: A: Call the RSPCA? B: Film a documentary about the monster? C: In the interests of inter-species relations, mate with her? D: Beat it to death with a rake? After all Bigfoots are devious and must be destroyed for the sake of your fellow man.
and began... [makes mouthing off noises].
What did you do with the money from BT, did you upgrade to Sky?
B’dum tish! I went with Sky but then all the money eventually ran out so I’m now with Virgin Media.
Why on earth is your name spelt with a ‘K’ then? Is that some sort of tribute to the breakfast cereal ‘Rice Krispies’?
C. Sleep with it. I’ve always quite liked a hirsute woman.
Yes, who doesn’t want to name themselves after Rice Krispies? I was originally torn between ‘Snap’ or ‘Crackle’. Not really. There was an actor already called ‘Chris Marshall’ so I had to change it. It was the first thing that came into my head. The other Chris Marshall has retired from acting now but gets loads of invites to parties and premieres because they think he’s me.
(Laughs) He was fantastic in bed. He left me afterwards and I went out and got drunk
Exactly. As long as someone is happy that’s all that counts. ■ loaded Kris’ new film ‘A Few Best Men’ is in cinemas from 31 August 2012
You once called Ricky Gervais a ‘Talentless fuck’. That’s a bit harsh isn’t it? Was he really that bad in bed?
Good for him.
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GREATEST LIVING ENGLISHMEN
“I’m not the
Greatest Living Englishman but I am in the top one’’ Brian Clough won the League Cup, the European Cup and the First Division title, now you’ve given him his biggest accolade yet
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he competition was brutal. Last issue we presented you with loaded’s 100 Greatest Living Englishmen, a list compiled by writers of this very magazine over the last 20 years. A selection, we add, that included such icons as Spike Milligan, Peter Cook and, of course, the Honey Monster. But when we asked you to vote for your all-time favourite, you thankfully shied away from such banana skins as Billy ‘Wonga’ Wright and instead chose a man so great that he frankly made Churchill look a little incompetent. “I’m sure the England selectors thought if they took me on and gave me the job, I’d want to run the show. They were shrewd because that’s exactly what I would have done,” snarled Brian Clough while reflecting on why he never got the biggest job in English football. And it’s that line that perhaps best reflects quite why Cloughie was a genuine icon. He was cocky, obnoxious, hilarious, bitter, charming, witty, and at times downright nasty. After taking Derby from nothing to becoming league champions, the FA decided to overlook him in 1977 for safe option Ron Greenwood. And Cloughie rammed that decision down their throats by performing that miracle feat again by guiding Nottingham Forest from near relegation from the second division to becoming European Cup winners. Twice. And that’s forgetting the 250 goals he scored in 296 games as a striker.
WORDS: ADAM THORN PIC: GETTY
revenge
For Clough, those trophies were less about the satisfaction of winning, and more about putting two fingers up at those that doubted him. “If you’re a club manager, and only a club manager, the way you can partly play at being an international is to win the European Cup”, he explained to Duncan Hamilton, his biographer in the superb Provided You Don’t Kiss Me. “All hope had gone for me and the England job by then. If I wasn’t getting it in ‘77, I was never getting it. All I had left was the European Cup. Winning it was my equivalent of the World Cup. Not many managers do that twice.” Short on confidence he wasn’t, but Clough’s self-belief, hell outright arrogance, spurred his teams on. “I wouldn’t say I was the best manager in the business”, he famously quipped, “but I was in the top one.” And Old Big Head really was. Along with his assistant Peter Taylor, the brains behind his shrewd transfer dealings, Clough transformed teams by instilling his own bullet-proof confidence in the players while teaching them to play football by passing, and not hoofing, the ball. “All I want is for that ball to brush the grass – just pass it around. We don’t want smart arses. We want players who will do things simply and quickly and when they’re told.” When interviewed about his training technique, he talked about how he used to return the ball when it went out of play, “I aim at the bollocks. It keeps ‘em on their toes.” But despite his success at Derby, it was his remarkable feat at Forest that he is most remembered for. Their home, The City Ground, was a dilapidated bank of uncovered terraces at one end
and a low, ratting tin roof at the other when he arrived, while the city itself was populated by struggling working-class miners on the brink of being ravished by Margaret Thatcher. “Hope is all I can offer,” said Clough to the waiting press when he took over. “There is only one thing in the club’s favour now. It’s got me.” Despite a terrible first season (“We could have been relegated. We’d have almost deserved it too. We were useless”), he guided the club to promotion in his second year as boss by finishing third. And then, incredibly, to the league title in his first season in the top flight. Crucially though nearly half his team were the same set of men that looked awful under former managers in the second division. In fact the only blip on his illustrious career was the 44 days he spent at Leeds, where, after guiding Derby to glory, he got to take over from his old nemeses Don Revie. Clough detested the club and their boring yet brutal brand of football. After arriving at his first training session, he told the players, “As far as I’m concerned, you can throw all your medals in the bin because you got them from cheating.” After getting the sack, and a gigantic payout, he appeared with the former Leeds manager on a TV chat show where he ripped Revie to shreds. “I wanted to do something you hadn’t done, to win the league but I wanted to win it better than you,” blasted Clough. When Revie reminded him that they only lost four matches in his last season he retorted, “Well, I could only lose three.” Cloughie loved a drink though, and this increased addiction, contributed to his demise and, most probably, his early death. “Brian Clough drank to celebrate. He drank to lift himself out of a dark corner. He drank because he was bored. He drank to forget. Finally he drank because he forgot what he was drinking for,” wrote Duncan Hamilton. His final game as manager at the City Ground saw the team relegated with the manager a shadow of his former self, yet the crowd cheered his name and invaded the pitch when it was all over. “Can I have a word,” a desperate reporter asked him at the end. He replied, “Of course. Goodbye.” ■ loaded loaded will be unveiling its 101st Greatest Living Englishman next issue. Nominate by tweeting @loadedmag. Provided You Don’t Kiss Me, by Duncan Hamilton, is in all good bookshops.
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MACCA’S
Britain’s top football columnist, Paul McCarthy, gives his views on the big issues in football, only in loaded Rooney struggles to deal with Andrea Pirlo
PICS: GETTY, CORBIS
GENIUS PIRLO DOESN’T NEED WAZZA’S HAIR GEL TO SHINE MACCA’S
EURO HIGHLIGHTS
BEST PLAYER
The genius that is Andrés Iniesta, Closely followed by 22 other Spaniards
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t was certainly one of the more surreal moments of Euro 2012. An English journalist, in the mood to be quirky and original, asked Andrea Pirlo if he carried a comb in his sock because he looked so calm and relaxed with a ball at his feet. Admittedly on this occasion, ‘quirky’ equalled dopey in the interrogation stakes, especially as the Italian translation basically came across as “How do you style your hair?” Cue a puzzled look from Pirlo, a small Latin shrug and the
“Rooney is the only player who can spot an opening the width of Scott Parker’s parting”
BEST GOAL
Mario Balotelli’s thunderbastard strike vs Germany
BEST FANS
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WORLD
Think Macca’s talking garbage? Then send him a message. Just don’t expect a polite response... macca@loaded.co.uk
“Stay there fat boy, I’ll be back in a minute”
pirlo knows how to take a pen
Think back to the end of those quarter-final penalties. Rooney, face red as a postbox, had his hands on his knees and was breathing out of his backside while Pirlo, all swishing mane after mugging off the gurning Joe Hart, made the sweetest of penalty executions. He could have been sipping an espresso on the Spanish Steps for all the effort he’d exerted. You just know that if you threw a ball to Pirlo and three mates on a beach, within seconds they’d be juggling, shimmying, flicking and pirouetting with it. Do the same with Rooney and it would be T-shirts for goalposts and a
qualifiers. Why are we heaping pressure on one player so tender in years when we’ve already got a custom-made Pirlo in our ranks who wears the number ten shirt and whose name rhymes with looney? Think about it. Who is the best passer of the ball in the England team? Who is the only player whose technique stands up to scrutiny with that of the Spanish, Italians and Germans? Who is the only player with the vision to spot an opening the width of Scott Parker’s parting? Not since 2004 has Rooney dominated a tournament playing as lead striker or one of a pair. That was before smart defenders of the world knew how to handle this assassin-faced baby. Now he’s old-hat, predictable, easy to guide down blind alleys. And Rooney hates it, you can tell. He gets flushed and frustrated when the same things that come off in the Premier League are nothing but botched attempts at artistry in an England shirt. He loses his rag watching the ball fly over his head or when he’s forced to chase down hopeful Hail Mary passes because England are
“Get your best player at the heart of the game, not isolated, frantically praying for a pass” frantic game of two versus two, winner buys the beers. The cry has already gone up around the land that England needs its own Pirlo. Or Iniesta. Or Xavi. Christ, we’d make do with a Riccardo Montolivo if that’s all you’ve got. The conductor’s baton is thrust in Jack Wilshere’s direction, towards a kid who’s barely cut his teeth for Arsenal, missed the whole of last season through injury and now looks likely to be absent for the first two World Cup Wilshere showing his skill... before his neverending injury
BEST GAME
so under the cosh and pinned into their own half. And when he loses his rag, he’s ineffective. Or worse, a liability.
give rooney the ball
So let’s get him on the ball. Why not? Let him take it off the back four and get England moving from deep, retaining possession, painting pictures in his head that mere mortals cannot begin to imagine. We’ve got the strikers in Danny Welbeck, Andy Carroll, Darren Bent and Jermain Defoe that he won’t be missed up front. Roy Hodgson can use the redoubtable Steven Gerrard and Parker as Rooney’s sentries to protect and serve. Play Wilshere at the point of a midfield diamond when he’s fit, get rid of plodders James Milner and Ashley Young and encourage the two full backs to bomb forward and support from the flanks. Get your best player at the heart of the action for most of the time, not isolated and frantically praying for just the glimpse of a usable pass. And if Rooney doesn’t like the immediate thought of it – tough. He’s let England down too often to have a say in the matter.
Toss-up between Paulo COOLEST Bento Italy vs Germany or MANAGER Holland vs Portugal (Portugal)
Every one of the
WORST MOMENT pre-kickoff
countdowns
Oleg Blokhin is up for a fight. Even with journalists
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bemused reply, “I use plenty of water”. This wasn’t the only hair-based line of interrogation in Poland and Ukraine. Obviously we had the whole inquisition into what product Wayne Rooney was referring to when he mimed spraying his barnet following the nodin against Ukraine. So Pirlo and Wazza, the tonsorial twins. Yeah, that’s just about where the similarity ends.
Savage tongue Got to love Oleg Blokhin. The Ukraine manager didn’t like a line of questioning from one of his country’s journalists, so basically ordered him outside to settle it old-school Kharviv style. And while I’ve never been on the end of a looping right-hander, I’ve certainly been bruised by a wounding one-liner. The most memorable was from Robbie Savage, who objected to my description of him as merely a fluffer for his more talented teammates. He phoned a mutual friend. “You know that twat McCarthy, don’t you?” he said. “Tell him nothing he writes can ever hurt me because I’ve got wardrobes bigger than his fucking house.” Robbie: point made perfectly.
Egos have landed Ah, André Villas Boas and Daniel Levy, a partnership made in heaven. One’s a smart-arse egomaniac with a hyper-inflated sense of his own importance in football’s universe. And the other is Mr. Villas Boas.
And finally... You may have missed this in the midst of all the super-exciting Euro 2012 action, but Sampdoria and Rafa Benítez issued a joint press release stating that, despite their mutual respect for one another, the Spaniard would NOT be joining as manager. In the same spirit, I’d like to state that, despite mutual respect (I often stalk her on Twitter), I will NOT be marrying Charlize Theron. I hope that clears up any misunderstanding.
WORST DECISION
Letting Ashley Young take a penalty. Or deciding Cristiano Ronaldo shouldn’t loaded.co.uk l 033
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THE MAKING OF BARÇA loaded reveals the secrets behind the Barcelona academy that nurtures the most gifted players in the world
FC Barcelona are an unrivalled success story
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n a September morning in 1984, a mophaired 13-year-old walked into FC Barcelona’s football academy. Small but phenomenally gifted, young Josep ‘Pep’ Guardiola was shown to a bedroom that looked out on to the majestic Camp Nou stadium. Pep turned excitedly to his mother Dolores and said, “Mum! Every time I wake up I will be able to see the football ground!” A tearful Dolores set off on the 40-mile trip back to their home town of Santpedor, resigned to the fact that she could not compete with the draw of La Masía. It was here that Guardiola learned to play football the Barça way, a philosophy based on technique, possession and the short passing game that would come to be known as tikitaka. Since then, the players that have passed through the youth academy have been breathtaking: Leo Messi, Xavi Hernández, Andrés Iniesta and Cesc Fàbregas, to name a few. Players who learned their trade in La Masía form the backbone not only of the great present-day Barça side, but also the recordbreaking Spanish national team who won the European Championships in 2008, the World Cup two years later, and Euro 2012. It is a place where childhood dreams come true.
la masía’s history
shadow of the Camp Nou, and was bought by Guardiola went on to earn legendary status at the club in the ’50s along with the land on Barça by winning 16 titles as a player in Johan which they would build their new ground. It Cruyff’s dream team and another 14 as was used by architects and builders during the manager before announcing he was taking a construction of the 99,000-seater stadium, break from football. Asked what the secret to before being inaugurated as a base for the academy’s incomparable success, he says, Barcelona’s youth training system in 1979. For “At La Masía, the scouting is good and we 32 years, youngsters like Pep passed through La Masía. The club recently choose players for whom the most moved its training facilities important thing is quality and into a new £54 million complex technique. Then we put them in outside the city centre, named the necessary conditions to allow after club founder Joan them to develop their talent. The Gamper. The old Masía was passion they bring does the rest.” shut down and the youth team A ‘masía’ is a type of Spanish players – known as ‘la cantera’ farmhouse, and the academy (the quarry) – moved into a new takes its name from the 310-year£9 million five-storey, glassold building that was home for fronted building within the youth team players until last year. La Masía De Can Planas sits in the Barça’s central midfielder Andrés training complex. Iniesta as an academy youth
“Guardiola is keen to stress that La Masía is not a holiday camp, though there is a games room and a group of chefs on hand”
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behind the scenes
A typical La Masía bedroom
THE TIMES THEY AREN’T A-CHANGIN’ beyond the academy
Fans are proud that so many first-team players, including Puyol, Piqué and Valdés are from the Catalonia region in North East Spain, whose capital is Barcelona. But La Masía is now surprisingly international, with a third of players from foreign countries including Nigeria and South Korea. The most famous foreigner to be schooled at the academy is, of
“The daily routine contains surprisingly little football – only 90 minutes a day” The daily routine here at La Masía, which trains boys aged seven to 19, is well regimented and contains surprisingly little football – only 90 minutes a day. The aspiring players rise at 6.30am and eat breakfast together in the canteen before those of age are bussed off to school. They return at 1.45pm for lunch, then a siesta, followed by 90 minutes of practice in the evening. The football routines, carried out on 12 training pitches, focus almost entirely on technique, with an emphasis on speed of thought, ball control, keeping possession, short passing and movement. Coaches are not concerned by the boys’ size or strength until they reach 16, a policy which has allowed diminutive players like Messi, Xavi and Iniesta to flourish. After football training, the boys are encouraged to study. Then at 8.45pm they eat dinner in the canteen before bed at 10.30pm, 11pm for the older players. Doing everything together means great friendships are forged. The new Masía-Centre De Formació Oriol Tort
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course, Messi, who arrived from Argentina a shy, 4ft 6 13-year-old in 2000, and now draws comparisons with Pelé and Maradona. Officials from Chelsea and Arsenal have visited La Masía to try to understand how the youth academy works, but nobody has come close to imitating its success. Spain’s latest revelation, 23-year-old left back Jordi Alba trained at the academy aged eight to 15 and said, “It was there I learned the philosophy of football. How to play quickly, to think before receiving the ball, technical concepts. I learned everything.” ■ loaded
Have an opinion? Macca wants to know what you think. Email him at.... macca@loaded.co.uk
Future looks bright for barça Spain’s 4-0 demolition of Italy in the Euro 2012 final was also a victory for La Masía. Six of La Furia Roja’s starting 11 trained at Barcelona’s football academy as youngsters – Xavi, Iniesta, Jordi Alba, Piqué, Busquets and Fàbregas. The fact all will line up for Barça when the season kicks off will dispel any suggestion that the team are past their best now manager Guardiola has moved on – the Catalan club lost out to arch rivals Real Madrid in the league last season and were knocked out of Champions League by Chelsea in the semi-final. But with the return of David Villa from a long-term injury, after breaking his leg last December, and the addition of Jordi Alba, they’ll be the favourites for both titles this season. Left back Alba scored one of the goals of the tournament in the final, slotting the ball past Gianluigi Buffon with the confidence of a world-class striker. Barça signed him for £11 million from Valencia during the semi-finals of Euro 2012, and he will fill the gap left by Éric Adibal, who’s recovering from a liver transplant. But what of life after the club’s most successful manager? Pep left having won two Champions Leagues, three La Ligas, two Club World Cups, two European Supercups, one Copa del Rey and three Spanish Supercups. Barcalona’s surprise announcement for his successor is Tito Vilanova, who’d been Pep’s right-hand man since they began working together at Barcelona B in 2007. Vilanova, 42, was with Pep every step of the way during his four seasons in charge. And a picture hanging on the wall at La Masía confirms Vilanova is cut from the same cloth. It shows the academy’s class of ’85-6, among whom are Guardiola and his successor as Barça coach.
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The new building may lack the romantic history of the old Masía, but the philosophy remains. Carles Folguera, Masía director since 2001, says, “One of the most important things we’re looking for is humility, but it is very clear that a Barcelona player must be very quickthinking and make sensible decisions”. At the new Masía, up to 83 young sportsmen – basketball players as well as footballers – live in spartan rooms with between two and four small single beds and basic wooden school desks. Guardiola is keen to stress this is not a holiday camp, although there is a games room and a team of football coaches, chefs, physiotherapists and nutritionists on hand. They live, eat, train and sleep here, and the club foots the bill for all the youth team players, costing around £5 million a year. It is an investment that has paid for itself many times over. In the 2011-12 season, 12 of the 21 players who took the field for Barça’s first team were homegrown. Even more remarkably, they scored 150 of the first team’s record 190 goals.
11/7/12 19:09:02
JOEY BARTON’S POETRY CORNER
The incredible Shakespeare quotes we hope he comes out with…
ON HIS TWITTER SPAT WITH TORY MP LOUISE MENSCH AFTER SHE ADMITTED TAKING CLASS A DRUGS ON QUESTION TIME... “The lady doth protest too much, meths.” (Hamlet)
ON SMASHING A PEDESTRIAN’S LEG WHILE DRIVING HIS CAR THROUGH LIVERPOOL CITY CENTRE AT 2AM… “A horse! A horse! My supercar for a horse!” (Richard III)
ON GETTING BANNED FROM IMPORTANT RELEGATION GAMES… “Aware the cards of March.” (Julius Caesar)
“England never did lie at the proud foot of a conker” ON INEVITABLY BEING SHOWN THE DOOR BY YET ANOTHER CLUB… “Good night, good night! Parting is such sweet sorrow, That I shall say good night till it be morrow.” (Romeo And Juliet)
ON BEING OFFERED HELP BY DISGRACED TV PRESENTER MICHAEL BARRYMORE “Give every man thy ear, but few thy voice.” (Hamlet)
WORDS: MATTHEW DRAKE PIC: GETTY, REX
ON HOW HE PSYCHES HIMSELF UP BEFORE A GENTLE TRAINING GROUND GAME OF FIVE-A-SIDE…
“Cry ‘Havoc’ and let slip the dogs of war.” (Julius Caesar)
ON HIS SNUB FROM THE NATIONAL TEAM…
“This England never did, nor never shall, Lie at the proud foot of a conker.” (King John)
VIALLI’S SACK RACE
loaded lend an ear to former footballer, ex-manager and current pundit Gianluca Vialli’s thoughts on bearing the fired badge and being the ugly Lineker...
“T
here are two categories of managers, the ones that get sacked and the ones that are about to get sacked. There is a third category, which is Alex Ferguson because he is always there,” the eversilky Gianluca Vialli concludes. With another Premiership almost upon us, the Italian who still has lofted hero status with Chelsea and Juventus fans alike is keen to pour forth his wisdom on the most barbarous aspect of the coming season… the sack race. It may have taken till the end of November to claim its first victim in Steve Bruce last term, but a savage season of bloodletting over the summer has seen old stagers like Kenny Dalglish and Harry Redknapp unceremoniously cut at the throat. “As a manager, the first time you
get the sack it’s a bit shocking, but then you realise it happens to everybody. It makes you stronger and better. You have to know why it happened and make sure that it doesn’t happen again,” says Vialli.
lord of football
Vialli, who lost his job at both Stamford Bridge and Watford, says, “Alex Ferguson is always one step ahead of the conservative and one step behind the revolutionary. Every two or three years he makes important decisions with successful teams.” Luca, as he is known, has resurfaced as a commentator for Sky Sport Italia since exiting Watford’s dugout ten years ago. “I’m like an uglier version of Gary Lineker” the famously smooth icon tells loaded.
“Ferguson is always one step ahead of the conservative and one step behind the revolutionary”
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Vialli mainly used visual levitation to control the ball
The Goal Twins: it’s like looking in a mirror
He is now lending the weight of his 32 years of experience in football to an exciting new game, Lords Of Football, that will allow the player to assume control of every aspect of management, including drinking binges, nightclub fights, drugs and sex bans. There’ll be no threesomes or wrinkly hookers on this watch. After transferring from his local club, Cremonese, to Sampdoria, he formed a lethal strike force with childhood pal Roberto Mancini, earning them the nickname The Goal Twins. He then went on to play alongside and manage some of the greats of the game in both
Del Piero is Vialli’s dream player. And with those legs, why wouldn’t he?
team tick and equally, what sends them off the rails like new Italian star Mario Balotelli. “Someone like Alessandro Del Piero would be my ideal player. But I’ve worked with so many great players not just in terms of quality, but attitude towards the game and the team. It would be impossible to choose one. As managers, we sometimes have our moments. “It’s not always easy getting on with players. It is just another challenge for managers. It is tough as a manager. The players are not always mature. They can make mistakes. Sometimes you have to act as a father figure. You have to
“I don’t look for the perfect player because nobody is perfect” Italy and England. So given the ever-changing demands on the modern gaffer and the creeping threat of player power, what can a manager do to give himself the best chance of keeping out of the dole queue?
acting the father figure
Vialli says, “50 per cent of the job as manager is to pick the right players each summer. Once you do that, you’re halfway there. Before you sign a player, you look at how much they cost, what they’ve done before, whether they have potential to improve, whether they are team players... Then you make a decision. I don’t look for the perfect player because nobody is perfect. I look for someone who can be a team player. I try not to take too many risks.” Having shared a dressing room with some of the most talented players ever to grace the grass while at the same time, bagging a haul of trophies as both a player and manager, Luca is in a fine position to reveal what makes a top
football
“I’m like an uglier version of Gary Lineker”
make them understand that if they want to be a professional, they must conduct a professional life. When that doesn’t happen, you must try and do something about it. It’s not always easy. Sometimes you have too much power and responsibility and you’re too young and you make a mistake as the consequence.”
The Italian makers of the football lifestyle simulator Lords Of Football were keen to hire Luca for his articulate understanding of what happens “when the lights go down and the vices start emerging”. So, would he ever consider a return to management? “No, unless I get the big phone call for a huge opportunity. I live in London and the Premiership is my favourite, I watch it all the time.” And with the future in mind, how does Vialli see the new Premeirship unfolding? “What is easy to predict is that Manchester United, Manchester City and Chelsea will be the top three teams to beat. Roberto Di Matteo is doing a good job at Chelsea but it depends on what players they want to sign and how much they are willing to spend. There is so much confidence and happiness at the club. Sometimes it is just luck.” Lords Of Football is out on PC this Summer.
my kind of football
After revelling in the comfort zone of woolly jumpers and punditry, Luca believes he may have stumbled on the secret to success. “I think it’s a team effort. I’ve seen some great teams play: Brazil, Holland, Germany. I have a lot of respect for Spain, I like the players, I think they’ve got a great attitude towards the game they seem to enjoy themselves when they play. My team would play a different kind of football because I am not Spanish. The players are super gifted. My football is more like a combination between Italian and English football. They would play with their hearts.”
Roberto Di Matteo with the European Cup at Chelsea
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rosie jones
olym pricks rosie jones Words MATTHEW DRAKE
Don’t mention the Games. loaded enjoys summer with Rosie instead
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“THE VERY LEAST YOU COULD EXPECT IS AN INVITE. NO BLOODY CHANCE”
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OPINION
T
he People’s Games? Not if the people you’re talking about happen to be British. Having forked out the best part of a mind-boggling £24billion for a party, the very least you could expect was an invite. No bloody chance. Not only have they had off with our taxes by the barrow-load, but they’ve gone for a brazen smash and grab on the English language.
zeus
At the ancient Olympics, Greek high priests would lay sacrificial rams and oxen as offerings for Zeus and Pelops. Now they prefer to slay the freedom of speech for the gods of corporate capitalism and international sport, so says posho mag The Spectator, and we agree. This is pure censorship. loaded, like every popular publication, lives in fear of draconian laws. If we dare overstep, bundles of magazines could be seized by armed cops from the newsstand and land us with a spell at Her Majesty’s Pleasure. Despite promising that the Olympics would provide a super boost for the flaccid economy, go anywhere near using the terms on ‘List A’ like “2012” or “Games” together and you’ll have the Old Bill knocking at the door. We are also not allowed to link any of them to the words from ‘List B’ such as gold, silver, bronze, medals, summer, sponsor or, incredibly, London. Sinister rulings mean that if you’ve not invested vast sums into Olympic investment you face the threat of criminal
features
Unbelievably, there are certain words loaded cannot write on this page. Most terms associated with the Olympics are forbidden from appearing within a hundred-metre sprint of each other. The organisers have been handed unprecedented control over everyday speech. They even ring-fenced two lists of prohibited words. Mind what you say mate. Despite the modern games being born 116-years-ago, butchers, newsagents and florists cannot showcase their wares in the style of the Olympic rings. Banned is the image of an athlete running with a flame. And we are not allowed to give away free tickets to the event, either. Welcome to the dark side of London 2012. The Olympics have effectively enforced a paramilitary lockdown on fresh air. And they’ve been handed police powers to enter ‘land or premises’ and ‘remove, destroy, conceal or erase any infringing article’ if anybody resists. God help anyone who dares anger organisers Locog or the exclusive deals they have struck with Adidas, Dow…fuck it, we have decided not to give them any free publicity by listing them. Food outlets at the Games have been banned from selling chips on their own – because of the mega deal with Ronald McDonald. You will be able to pay with Visa cards at events but not Mastercards. You will be able to stew your gills in Coke but not Pepsi. charges. Robert Mugabe would be proud of “You should not use the Olympic or Paralympic Games as a marketing tool unless you are an official sponsor.”
troops
We understand that sponsors want to secure their investment, but such chilling extremes are a bit much. Britain is praised as a free country. Officers of the law cannot become a private army of enforcers for some fast food and sports clothing giants. As it is, 3,500 extra troops had to be lined up to protect the Olympics after a cock-up over a security contract.. Existing laws already prohibited the unauthorised use of Olympic names and symbols. That was good enough for the Beijing Games in China where human rights are pretty much a standing
joke. Yet the London Olympics decided that was not nearly enough. So, they introduced the London Olympic Association Right in 2006. loaded is fully behind our athletes and wish them every success in fulfilling their dreams. It’s just a shame few of us will be there to witness it.
gold bills
The cost of this global jamboree has spiraled out of all reasonable control. Conservative estimates predict a final bill well over £24billion – ten times higher than the original sum thrown in the air when London won the bid in 2005. Chairman of London 2012, Lord Coe, recently pledged that hundreds of thousands of unsold tickets should be put up for sale to the public to help meet the phenomenal demand. The loaded.co.uk l 041
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original sale saw prices soar up to £2,012 for a seat at the opening ceremony. Who can afford that? When tickets originally went on sale last year two thirds of applicants found themselves unable to buy any at all. Visitors who expected tickets to events at the Olympic Stadium to also give them free access to the Orbit Tower should prepare for disappointment. Only lucky ticket holders or punters who have £10 general admission passes to the Olympic Park will be allowed up. Olympic officials say the general public will not be able to visit it until Easter 2014, after a £490 million redevelopment.
the never never
At some point in the next few weeks a British athlete will stride towards the podium having given it everything. Arms aloft in glory they will rise for a raucous ovation. But what will greet them is certain to be stifled applause from the sealed corporate boxes ringing the stadium and the clattering of jewellery from the foreign dignitaries and corporate jollies. Because everyone has had their brain washed by official London 2012 logos and slogans, their travel plans thrown into chaos and heard of grasping landlords turfing out tenants in a bid to cash in, loaded were going to give you a definitive A-Z guide of where to watch all the events, who best to look out for and do the Olympics PR for them. But we’ve decided to mark the prestigious event in our own inimitable way. Our personal best (PB) stands for a proud Pissing Bulldog named Arnie, who makes it clear what he thinks. Our English Rose is the stunning Rosie Jones. Because we don't want to join the corporate elite, we got her to break our track record during the most patroitically sexy photoshoot ever. The International Olympic Committee may have got off to a false start but, rest assured, we haven’t. ■ loaded
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features
rosie jones
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kardamena, kos
Don’t be fooled by Kardamena on the beautiful island of Kos. It looks pretty laid back but it is seriously lively at night. Bar Street has everything from indie to dance and karaoke to get you warmed up before you party the night in the biggest superclubs.
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malia, crete
Crete’s biggest party resort. And the setting for our favourite film Inbetweeners: The Movie. The Malia Strip is one of the biggest in the Mediterranean which attracts the biggest names in RnB, Hip hop, house, indie or pop. Malia Beach is rammed with amazing venues and bars with a great atmosphere for you to have a great night.
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rosie jones
features
“rosie broke our track record in this sexy photo shoot”
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DAVID PRICE Words BEN DUFFY Photography ANTONIO PETRONZIO
David Price is the 6ft 9in boxer. Frank Maloney is the pint-sized promoter. And soon they’ll snatch the heavyweight title
O
nce when a lion lay asleep, a tiny mouse ran up his back. Awakened, the mighty beast placed a huge paw upon the mouse and opened wide his jaws to devour him whole. “Pardon, O King,” cried the mouse. “Forgive me this time, I shall never forget it. Who knows but I may be able to do you a turn some of these days?” Not since Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito teamed up to hawk around a sequel to Twins have two opposite ends of the height spectrum rubbed their paws together with more glee. For David Price, literally Britain’s biggest boxing hope in a century, and Frank Maloney, his puppet master, the future is pure 24 carat. Forget the hairybacked Klitschko brothers – 6ft 9in Price, according to his 5ft 5 promoter, is lord of the ring. Yet, the pair are as reliant on one another as the left fist is to the right.
This fearsome team will settle for nothing less than a title shot within the next two years and to leave the boxing fraternity choking on their ambition. Seasoned campaigner Maloney was the driving force behind Lennox Lewis’ rise to the top nearly 15 years ago, and he is desperate to roll with the big punches once again. The mutual respect between the pair is obvious when loaded meets them at the Salisbury Amateur Boxing Club on the outskirts of a Liverpool council estate ahead of his next bout against Audley Harrison. As Price gets ready for the fight Maloney is creating the buzz. Frank has done it all before and has spent the last 28
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david price
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david price
“What are you looking at?”
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Price training during our shoot
years taking fighters to the sport’s pinnacle. Yet the 59-year-old has had his youth renewed by the task ahead. Price has steamrolled his way through the competition so far, amassing 11 knockouts in 13 professional outings. So for the promoter, once nicknamed the ‘mental midget’ by Don King, the Klitschko brothers and a world title are maybe just a matter of when, not if. “He is the white Lennox Lewis: the way he trains, looks after himself, carries himself outside the ring. He has it all,” states Maloney, famously hailed in a national newspaper column as speaking “no baloney”. As he watches the heavyweight warmup there is a look of satisfaction that he may, once again, be at the very highest level with a top fighter. This is in stark contrast to the look of determination plastered across the face of the 28-year-old boxer who puts as much into the photo shoot as his training. Frank explains, “He’s not just a great boxer – he’s great in all the right areas. He knows the game and knows what he needs to do to move forward. He says the right things, has the right attitude – it’s exactly the same as when I was managing Lennox. I’ve got a small stable at the moment but David will be my last fighter – I’m going to take him the distance and then retire.” The two may have big plans for the two years ahead but the immediate future sees Price fighting Audley Harrison at the Liverpool Echo Arena on October 13. The former Olympian has been lined up for Pricey who thinks it will be another routine fight resulting in another knockout victory. Despite being humiliated in his bout with The Haymaker in 2011, Harrison won his last fight, and a convincing victory over the former gold medalist could be a positive move for the Liverpudlian in front of his home fans. “He won his last fight and said he wants to fight me for my titles – again. It’s like any other business, money plays a big factor. My philosophy is that if there’s a good pay day in it for me and it’s a fight that people want to see, I will fight. If the public want to see me knock Audley Harrison out, then I will knock him out. But I will never insult my fans’ intelligence by suggesting fights are big if they’re
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‘‘ pics right: phil carpenter
I look up to the Klitschkos but One day I’ll be fighting them
not. If it comes down to a slanging match, I’m not interested as it doesn’t make one bit of difference to what’ll happen.” Fans had also been crying for a fight with fellow British heavyweight Tyson Fury. Although David claims he only likes to throw punches in the ring, that didn’t stop him dishing out a few low blows when talking about a future match-up. “I beat Fury in the amateurs for the record, but it doesn’t mean anything. We’re both completely different fighters now but the result will still be me beating him. I think he’s lost a bit of weight but losing weight is one thing and developing your boxing skills is another. I try to not concentrate on other boxers, especially Fury – he doesn’t really interest me. The only time I was interested was when he was British Commonwealth Champion. He vacated the belts, now the fight is probably further away than it’s ever been, so there is no point wasting time.” There is a look of frustration in Price’s face when talking about Fury. This is a man who wants to take full advantage of the short lifespan in boxing and “wasting time” is not something he’s going to do. But pleasing the fans is a big part of modern-day boxing. “You just have to look at the Haye vs Chisora fight to see that what the people want, they normally get. Now there’s social networking, where fans can get their opinions and views across. I mean, the fight everyone wants to see is me and Fury. I put on my Twitter, ‘Who would you want me to fight in an ideal world,’ and everyone was like ‘Fury’. Apart from a couple of other fights, there aren’t many other options out there.” Speaking about Haye vs Chisora before the belt, he added, “With David, what happened in Germany obviously worked in his favour – he’ll get a big pay packet out of this Chisora fight. It’s a fight I believe he is going to win. Dereck Chisora is a tough nut though. Haye’s speed and power will tell on the night – once he beats Chisora, the Klitschko fight will probably become a reality. I think once this fight’s out the way, it’ll be forgotten in a couple of months. At the end of the day, money talks, and Haye versus a Klitschko will make money. That’s my opinion, especially these days.” Price is just beginning to make a real name for himself in the ring but he is well known among the heavyweight elite. He sparred with David Haye before the Nikolai Valuev fight and has also trained with the Klitschkos, who he sees as idols. “I look up to the Klitschkos as role models and fighters. One
caption copy New Body copy Black
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david price
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Price takes the new no-brews-forboxers rule hard
I had trials at Liverpool and got through to the last round
day that won’t be the case as I’ll be in the ring fighting them and taking the belts off one of them, hopefully. The Klitschkos are good for the sport, doing what they’re doing best. I’m looking at a fight that big about 18 months down the line. I want to get myself in a position where I want to fight the Klitschkos. I’ll do it when I’m sure I can beat them. I rate Wladimir Klitschko higher than Vitali, but there are a few good heavyweights just under the brothers’ level. It’s going to be a really competitive couple of years but it’s there for the taking.” Talking at ringside after a punishing training session in his amateur gym, it’s not quite the scene you would set for someone who may one day be the top fighter in the world. With quite a run-down appearance and some ageing equipment, it’s like something out of one of the old-school Rocky movies trying to give the underdog impression. What is clear though from the eight locals practicing as we interview Price, is that this is a place where gruelling, intense fitness tests are a standard requirement. Another ever-present part of his boxing career since he first came to this gym at the age of ten is his father, Dave Snr. Living with sister Rachel, 33, and mum Kathy, 53, as well as his father, Price has had loyal support throughout his journey from amateur to pro. Dave Snr has travelled the world to watch him fight, and finishes his work as a ship engineer early so he can be there for his training sessions. Present during the interview and immensely proud of his son’s achievements, you can still see signs of worry in his face as his son’s imminent rise continues: “If I won the lottery tomorrow, I would offer him millions not to fight again. It’s tough watching your son do that. I suppose the positive thing is that there aren’t many people around that can hurt him.”
It’s a close bond that really makes a big impact – keeping someone grounded whilst they are on the verge of greatness is something all champions need, if only to avoid getting carried away with the constant hype. Price explains, “It was me who took the decision, nobody forced me. I was a 6ft 6, 14-year-old boy who was a bit of a target, so this gave me a chance to look after myself and earn a bit of respect.” Another stable part of his life is his fiancé and children, who have had to make sacrifices to ensure nothing stops Price from fulfilling his potential. “I’ve got two kids, Katie, six, and David, two. I spend a lot of time with them and my fiancé Jade, 27. We’ve been together ten years and engaged for five. I don’t want to do anything that will get in the way of the boxing and she understands that. I haven’t the time to get married because of my boxing – one day I’ll just do it off
A cut above the rest
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david price Maloney is unimpressed with Price’s take on a ‘natural’ smile
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david price Maloney wears sharp suit, Price wears fingerless gloves
the cuff and say, ‘Jade, let’s get married.’” As deadly as his fists are, there is a gentle-giant side to Price as he talks fondly of his family and trips away with friends. “Me and Jade love to get away with the kids when we can”, he smiles, “and I love to combine trips to LA with intense training camps where I pick up tips from top trainers like Freddie Roach.” As obvious a boxing career may be to such a physically dominant person, it could have been very different, with Price’s name being chanted on the Kop. “I loved going to football matches, I still do. I had trials at Liverpool schoolboys and got through to the last round but I didn’t get in – that was just before I started boxing.” But the tattered football dream made way for Price’s boxing debut, and at the age of 15 he began to get noticed. It’s not just his height but his professionalism and determination that put him above others in the same field. The former Olympian picked this up from an early age and it was in Team GB that he put this mentality into practice. “It was a real baptism of fire for me. I got properly beat up by a middleweight. The setup saw I
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I should’ve been in the Olympics but I wasn’t mature enough
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had potential and took me down to develop me. It was a far more professional environment than I was used to and despite getting beaten a few times, it was a real learning curve. I came close to qualifying for the Athens Olympics in 2004 but missed out and that was a big disappointment. By rights I should have but I didn’t, and by rights I should have qualified but I wasn’t mature enough and lost to someone I should have beaten. He went to the Olympics and that was something I always wanted to put right. I won gold in the Commonwealth but the Olympics in Beijing was the real highlight – I won bronze in a really tough group of boxers.” With the Olympics underway, Price thinks Team GB has a great chance at adding to the medals from the last three games. “I’ve been up there once or twice since I turned pro. They still use the same gym though it’s kitted out a lot better. The boxing is good – if you look back at the last three Olympics, Audley Harrison got a gold, Khan a silver – boxing has been producing medals. Tom Storey and Andrew Selby have a great chance. They won silver in the World Championships, that’s a good achievement. Team GB will have a great Olympics and I’m envious of the boys fighting at home for the medals.” Harrison has made a career like many others from talking a good fight, this is the side of boxing which attracts the fans as much as a decent right hook, but for Price, the talk is just that. “It doesn’t affect me. What they say won’t make it a different fight – I like to let my fists do the talking. It’s important for me to not get angry. I stay relaxed – if you’re relaxed in body and mind, you’re going to do something right, especially in the mind. It’s funny, you’ve got to be switched on but at the same time, you can’t get too wound up. It’s taken time to get used to loaded.co.uk l 057
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david price
my first fight was at 15 and i was fucked after 20 seconds
but I will not get angry – I refuse to let emotions into boxing, that’s where you start making mistakes.” His last fight has seen his profile soar, especially in his hometown, and he now rubs shoulders with Liverpool legends Steven Gerrard and Jamie Carragher. “I know a couple of the footballers from Liverpool, I just bump into them on occasions. I know Ricky Tomlinson is a big fan and I’ve probably got a few more celebrity fans, I don’t know.” It’s plain to see that the fame side of his career is not something that comes naturally for Price. Towards the end of the interview, a fan wonders into the boxing club and Price sits with him and signs some gloves. As his career continues to shine, so will the limelight, but Price feels the people around him will help him stay grounded. “Since my last fight, I’ve been getting a lot of comments and pictures when I’m out. I try to be nice and respectful to people on the telly and in real life. I’m obviously not a prick so people don’t go out of their way to try it with me, and obviously would have to be mad to do it.’” But with the Klitschkos still out of reach, he must prove himself, and that is something he’s eager to do quickly. “I will beat Audley next but there isn’t really that much strength in depth in the UK for opponents. I’m looking to defend the title in autumn, then possibly fight in America, keep busy and climb the ladder towards where the championships are.” Now, Price’s drive is to provide for his family. While he is currently in the process of lining up his next fight, as his profile grows to match his ambition, surely a big belt is just around the corner – a match expected to be on October 13 with a defence of his British title. Pricey knows how to play the game in and out of the ring, With the wily old Frank Maloney behind the scenes, Goliath could make British boxing proud once again. n loaded
Still working on that smile...
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KEITH FLINT
E JAMES CHEADL E Photography W RO M SA ds Wor
From Download Festival to flceyitrng around a soggy northern ra y’sack, loaded rides with The Prodig chief mentalist, Keith Flint
features
keith flint
‘‘Y
N’T DO NOTHING OU CAN’T FUCK AROUND, YOU CA t to loaded. “It’s a noless than smash it,” snarls Keith Flin ing with the weapons nonsense crowd ’ere and we’re com now 30 minutes late tonight.” Cocky, as The Prodigy are wd – deep in Donington Park’s for their Download slot and the cro be 42, but the man who became swampy field – are restless. He may zing. the 90s hellraiser in chief is still buz a Hopping from one foot to the other like h Keit al, draw with coke fiend suffering le to claps his hands together loudly, unab in ping thum t mask the sound of his hear a with ed load xes fi he ed, rmin his ears. Dete . But says he ing,” buzz “I’m e. glar d -eye wide heady he’s fuelled not on narcotics, but the gy ener and e nalin adre of n concoctio f’ drinks. The man known simply as ‘Kee and sed focu ed, prim is among his peers ready to put on the show of his life.
lunatic
But for now the thick, black eyeliner g remains on its brush, the gravity-defyin Liam s mate band and tin its in hair wax
home. Howlett and Maxim Reality are sat at mixing by ed ound surr g bein of ad inste And riated desks, A&R bods and an army of ineb has tic luna rn x-bo Esse the , Prodigy fans s for an swapped lung-shuddering rave beat ging Drag line. bass altogether different , Keef stiff leathers over his patchwork torso a es strid steps out to a soggy track, his gleaming superbike, slaps a visor on t, wris the of ick fl k quic a with and head with es fum own his of vanishes into a cloud play le peop e Som l. grow g a deafenin week’s squash as a way to take the edge of a y reall you did But . hard graft. Not Keef with age dle mid race emb to him expect ? a brew and the EastEnders omnibus
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His own Team Traction Control lead the championship
“I think he’s one of those individuals,” says dubstep pioneer Caspa while stood backstage at metal-head haven Download Festival a few days previous, with The Prodigy set to headline. “Off stage he’s such a relaxed and chilled person, and then he does these extreme things, where he’ll attack the stage or attack a sport.” Not many musicians or artists can possibly claim to truly ‘attack’ an audience when performing, yet there’s probably not a truer word in the English language to describe The Prodigy’s lunatic-in-chief’s iconic stage patter. Originally the band’s dancer when they started out in 1990, he was let loose on vocals with the gruff call-to-arms that was Firestarter six years later. Now comfortably middle aged, this frenetic motion-blur-of-a-man is still every drop as vigorous as a shaken fizzy drink. But then just take one look at Keef – the ink, the piercings, that hair. He doesn’t exactly strike you as someone who does things by halves, does he? “It’s not basketball, or playing a bit of classical music,” says Caspa of Keith, his recent collaborator on snarling dubstep track War. “It’s like, the hardest dance music and the most hardcore fucking motorsports. And he does it well.” Far from the vanity project of the jaded rock star, Flint’s passion for bikes stretches right back to tearing round his native Essex as a kid. Now racing competitively in the Hottrax Endurance Championship, Keef’s set up his own race team, Traction Control. And not only does he and co-racer Ben Neeves hold their own in the gruelling three-hour motorbike races they compete in, they’re currently topping the leaderboard in their first full year as a team. A bit gutting for the riders who don’t have a glittering music career to fall back on, surely? “I totally understand it,” says Keith, greeting loaded with a hug at the Oulton Park circuit, a few miles out of Chester. “It’s like soap stars becoming pop stars, people kinda go, ‘Who the fuck’s that, and what are they doing?’ You can imagine, when I first arrived in the paddock, I had a question mark attached to me. But they’ve seen me practising in two degrees in the wet, they’ve seen me break down, they’ve seen me in the morning all dishevelled having just had a shit. If you’re a doer, and you actually go and compete in a race season, get stuck in – then you get the respect of the boys.”
attitude
Back at Download, a sodden crowd in Donington Park’s swampy field is growing ever more angry. The Prodigy have twice charmed
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loaded joins Keef on stage at Download
“Not playing these tracks is like going to war and leaving your rocket launcher back at the barracks” the metal-loving clientele in previous years – escaping being attacked with bottles of urine and Muller Rice, a fate that befell bands My Chemical Romance and Lethal Bizzle for the crime of not being metal bands. But with The Prodigy now half an hour late on stage, and the crowd itself drenched in muddy sludge, even they are pushing their luck. “We won’t [be bottled], no doubt,” Keith assures us, his infamous barnet temporarily hid beneath a flat cap. “Download is a favourite of ours and the band has always lived up to the challenge of coming to a real strict rock festival venue, standing on that stage and knowing that we can cut it.” It’s probably The Prodigy’s ability to straddle more genres than on a Now, That’s What I Call Music album that’s kept the band relevant throughout their 22-year career to date. But
entering into their third decade as a band, it’s how the group react and adapt to the new musical trends that could define them. Do they throw out the rule book and produce a dubstep album, or revert to type and risk sounding like the rave grandads of yesteryear? “You won’t see us turn into a dubstep band”, affirms Keith, “but of course we’re gonna steal and rob and be pirates, ’cos that’s what we do. Even from back in the day, it’s all about sampling. But I think the band’s established enough to not have to try something else, we don’t have an identity crisis.” Minutes from stage at Download and the band’s rider – around 20 bottles of champagne, a few cases of Tuborg and enough spirits to numb the pain of our ruined trainers – is being gratefully tucked in to by The Prodigy’s entourage. Among them are your usual
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keith flint
management and roadie types, but also band member Liam Howlett’s missus, the beautiful Natalie Appleton. We take our place at the side of the sound booth, just behind the aforementioned All Saint, and look out to the 80,000 plus crowd. There’s not a spare blade of grass between the eternity of damp moshers. But, just like he promised, the crowd comprehensively lose their shit when Keef and co come bounding to the stage, smashing through everything from Breathe to Omen via a couple of new, raw-sounding tunes that he tells us were only born the day before (“Leaving this in the studio is like going to war and leaving your rocket launcher back at the barracks,” he tells us). No bottles of wee, no Muller Rice and no rebellion from a crowd who were baying for their blood: The Prodigy have conquered metal once again. “Fuck... which pedal’s break?”
wheels
On the subject of man overcoming metal, we’re back at Oulton Park in a bustling garage, with Keith’s souped up Suzuki GSX-R1000 distinctly lacking in the wheels department. He and teammate Ben are waiting until the last possible second to decide whether to go out on slick or wet tyres in the grim Cheshire showers. “This isn’t quite southern Spain, but I love it,” grins Keith, with the rain the only parallel between his glamorous festival set and today’s race meet. “Going on stage and going on track are very similar build ups,” Keith tells loaded. “It’s something that you’re kind of confident about, but there’s an element of unknown and an element of danger that’s present. And that feeling you lust for – there’s something
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“If you’re not speeding into a bend thinking ‘Fuck’ then you’re just not going fast enough”
oulton park: britain’s toughest bike track Forget an all-inclusive on the Costa del Sol, Keith spends his downtime hurtling around one of the deadliest and most terrifying circuits in the world He may have ditched the drugs, but Keith’s now getting high by thrashing his rivals in brutal superbike track days. Hurtling around the 17 unforgiving corners of Oulton Park’s circuit, the Prodigy frontman’s souped-up Suzuki GSX-R1000 will comfortably hit 180mph. The course is famed as one of the toughest bike tracks in Britain, with its blend of sharp turns, blind crests and brutal
downhill straights. The track famously had to redesign one hellish turn, known as Knickerbrook corner, after it caused a string of fatalities in the 90s. In 1991 for instance, Paul Warwick – then one of the country’s most highly-regarded driving talents – smashed into the earth bank on the side of the corner before being flung outside his car and into a horrified crowd. And Motorcycle racing itself still
remains one of the most dangerous sports in the world. In the Sepang MotoGP last October, Italian rider Marco Simoncelli died after he veered across the track at turn 11 and crashed into the path of the incoming Colin Edwards and Valentino Rossi. The impact caused his helmet to come flying off, and as he lay motionless on the track he suffered serious trauma to his head, neck and chest. loaded.co.uk l 063
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slog
With a sea of tension swimming amongst the pouring rain, race time is finally upon us. The race has a dramatic Le Mans-style start, with the riders required to sprint from the start line to their bikes and speed off, doing alternate 30 minute legs with their partner. Hitting speeds of up to 180 miles an hour on straights and a grave-friendly 160 going into the corners, riders need to stay zen for every second of the three hour slog. After teammate Ben’s start, Keith is quickly in the driving seat. Punching the air in fevered anticipation, he vaults his bike and flies out of the pit with Ben’s wheels barely at a stop.
of the riders congregating afterwards in their leather suits, the scene looks like a Power Rangers reunion, as backs are slapped, beers are cracked and ciggies lit in celebration. Keef’s not indulging though, victory is the only drug he craves. “We won our first race here last season, on my birthday, in the wet”, he gushes, “and I’m going back to the pits with fucking tears in my eyes going, ‘Fuck, I can’t be going back there. Man up, man up!’ But that’s the emotion. But that is the same thing that I get when I walk into the studio and Liam goes, ‘What do you reckon to this?’ and he drops a banger.” At the podium, it’s very much to the victors, the spoils. Or in this case a rather naff plastic trophy the size of a tea cup. Not that Keith minds of course. “This could be hand-crafted by angels out of a fucking unknown metal from Mars, it’s just fucking awesome,” he beams, studying it intently. One key question remains though – with his passion for racing
“I’m only in this life to do stuff that makes me feel good, that sets me on fire and makes we wanna live” Impossible to keep up with, the race passes in a blur of pit stops, downpour and the occasional game of human skittles as bikes collide with one another. A sweat-drenched Keith sprints into the garage after his final leg, having notched his best lap times of the week. The timekeepers sport more stopwatches than limbs, and as they tot up the times there are whisperings that Keith’s Team Traction Control have bagged the victory. “We’re very superstitious,” he admits, cautiously. “Silly things can go wrong. The unforeseen. That’s why endurance events are actually so exciting. You’ve got that instantaneous, adrenaline rush of racing, but drawn out over the course of hours. There are highs and lows, it’s truly a rollercoaster.” As the chequered flag is waved and Ben pulls into the pit lane, the rumour becomes the news, and his boys taste another victory to extend their stronghold of the championship. With all
going from hobby to second job, which comes first, the band or the bikes? “Ahhh,” sighs Keith to loaded, enduring internal turmoil having to even consider it. “Prodigy’s my life, the band’s my everything – end of story. But I’m lucky that I have a true passion that gets me fucking near the mark. I’m only in this life to do stuff that makes me feel good, that sets me on fire and makes me wanna live.”
buzzing
Walking into the sunset – well, drizzle – Keith Flint leaves just as he entered: buzzing. Who knew that after all this time it’s not handfuls of drugs needed to give him his patented spark, just a little splash of adrenaline, energy drinks and a plastic trophy carved from space angels? Now if only they could bottle that, the other riders might have a fighting chance. ■ loaded War by Caspa ft Keith Flint is out August 5
THE DRUG-FUELED MADNESS
The Prodigy weren’t shy about getting shitfaced on just about whatever substance they could lay their hands on… While the video for Smack My Bitch Up shows a girl having a rough night out after a few lines of coke, the band themselves weren’t far behind. Liam Howlett remembers heady ecstasyfuelled gigs where they turned up just hoping someone might pay them as they performed goggleeyed. “We used to do nine or 10 songs with Keith and Leeroy dancing. Just drug-
fuelled, ecstasy-fuelled, a real laugh,” said Liam in an interview with The Guardian after the band cleaned up. “You turned up at the rave, it was run by gangsters, you didn’t know whether or not you were going to get paid. They were full of real characters, people who were completely twatted. It was an adventure.” Liam admits that Keith’s drug use destroyed flop
fourth album Always Outnumbered, Never Outgunned. He said “A lot of paranoia bred in that time. Keith was doing a lot of gear, using a lot of drugs. We were all quite fucked up at that time. No one did anything to try and help the situation. Someone would say to me, I heard Flinty’s doing this. I’d be like, Fucking bastard. I should have rung him up instead.”
THE HISTORY OF THE PRODIGY loaded presents the bluffer’s guide to the 90s’ biggest hellraisers who single-handedly pioneered the big beat genre
While Liam Gallagher spent the Britpop years having tantrums with his brother, Jarvis Cocker raging against the class system and Blur’s Damon Albarn starting the rapid ascent up his own arse, The Prodigy were too busy getting shitfaced and winning awards to care. Originally from Braintree in Essex, the young Keith Flint was kicked out of his family home by his father before embarking on a bizarre career as a market trader in Israel. Returning to Britain, he became a fan of rave in the late 80s where he honed his now trademark dancing moves before joining forces with funk fan Leeroy, DJ Liam Howlett, fellow raver Sharky and MC Maxim Reality to form The Prodigy. But it wasn’t until the release of 1997’s The Fat Of The Land that the band really exploded in popularity, with singles Firestarter and Smack My Bitch Up upsetting just about er, everyone. In the latter’s video, the film showed a first person view of a person fighting, vomiting, snorting coke and shagging before it was revealed the main protagonist was actually a girl. The resulting furore meant the album sold millions worldwide – even outperforming their guitar band rivals in America. Meanwhile Keith was having it away with Gail Porter (prebaldness and breakdown, obviously) while Leeroy got engaged to Radio 1’s Sara Cox. It didn’t take long before the heady mix of egos and drugs caused the band to split. They returned with 2004’s Always Outnumbered, Never Outgunned, an album slated by critics and which caused the band to enter another long hiatus before the release of comeback LP Invaders Must Die which, for the first time since Fat Of The Land, featured all the original band members. One track, Run With The Wolves, featured a cameo on drums by Foo Fighters’ Dave Grohl while lead single Omen became their first top five single since 1996. The band are now on tour promoting their next album, How To Steal A Jet Fighter.
features
really addictive about it. But there’s no one that don’t go to the grid with jelly legs. If you’re not going around that circuit with this kind of rollercoaster feeling going ‘Fuck’ as you go into a bend, if you’re not late on the brakes every time, later, later, you’re not going fast.”
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h c n u b u yo
of
s t l u c I
Forget Cruise’s oddball Scientologists. loaded meets the Raelians: Nevada’s orgy-loving weirdos preparing for ET’s second coming (and they like to free their breasts too) 222 F RAELIENS.indd 9
The first bows his head while the second sprinkles it with water, muttering something indecipherable as he does. Finally he stops, smiles and says “It is complete” and the crowd begin clapping and cheering. We ask a man stood next to us what just happened, and he whispers, “The guy with the water on his head has just been baptised and had his DNA transmitted to the aliens’ supercomputer to see if he will be worthy of resurrection.” Blimey. And to think we thought he might have just needed the water to cool down in the fierce heat.
alien sex fiends
As Katie Holmes throws Cruise Jr in the wicker basket to escape Scientologist bootcamp, we decide it’s time to investigate a far happier, more sexed-up group of American lunatics. Welcome then to the bonkers world of the Raelians: an organisation that has been described by the Catholic Church as a cult, its leader derided as a manipulative showman, and which is forbidden to set up shop in Israel because of its liberal use of the swastika as its symbol (they cite its original interpretation as being for good luck – see their strange necklace on the left). We have been invited along by the North American branch to one of their ‘Happiness Academies’ where members meet to – depending on your point of view – expand their minds with like-minded people or be fleeced in body, pocket and soul. If all goes to plan then, by the time we leave we could be dancing around
WORDS MARTIN PASHLEY PHOTOGRAPHY JAMES CHEADLE
t may be the strangest sight the hills surrounding the Valley Of Fire National Park, a scorching furnace of sand and cacti north of gambling capital Las Vegas, has ever witnessed. A group of some seventy men and women are huddled together on a rock that rises from the valley’s floor and, as the temperature hits 100F, are chanting in a tone that sounds like the final gasps of a stranded whale. Suddenly, the noise stops and, in the middle of the throng, a circle forms and two solemn men step forward slowly.
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raeliens praising the leader – but with our bank account empty. But first, some history. Raelism came into the world in 1973 when French car journalist Claude Vorilhon was exploring the crater of an extinct volcano in southern France and encountered a 4ft little green man. The alien fella then whisked him away to an interracial robotic sex orgy on a spaceship and told Claude that not only had aliens (or ‘Elohim’ as they called themselves) created all life on earth, but he was now to be known as the prophet ‘Rael’ and given the mission to spread Elohim’s teachings to the world. As his wife who was waiting patiently at the bottom of the mountain for Vorilhon (her orgy invite presumably lost in space) said later, “He went up the mountain as Claude and came down as Rael.” Word quickly spread after he wrote about his experiences and started pontificating about almost every issue going. His views gained popularity as the religion gained a reputation for being free and easy in the ways of love while he had now taken to dressing in an allwhite outfit. Numerous newspaper articles alternatively slathered over and condemned reports of partner swapping and orgies – all presided over by Rael himself. But if the press hoped that would discourage new recruits they were badly wrong: membership that was 700 in the middle of the 1970s now stands at around 85,000 worldwide. Joining is free, but they welcome donations to help “build an embassy to officially welcome the Elohim.”
The Raeliens’ blueprint to improve Sunday service
The Raeliens prepare for their topless protest
dancers in the dark
“So, you are here for the sex orgy right?” Thomas, one of the organisers for this year’s academy, tells us. He’s trying his best to laugh off the Raelian’s orgiastic rep. “If you are, please let me know because I’d really like to see it.” We are sat talking in the middle of the darkened conference hall of the hotel where, all around
be? “Talk to anyone, ask anyone anything. We aren’t hiding a great dark secret. People think of us as this scary UFO cult that spends all of its time having sex and taking people’s money.”
explanatory), everyone smiles, nods and answers our questions. Most here are French Canadians, but there is a smattering of Americans,
“so you’re here for the sex orgy right? let me us, people are gently caressing each other atop cushions. Sounds like an orgy to us. As ambient music plays through the speakers, a good-looking and well-dressed middle-aged French woman walks between the spaces and tells those present to relax and let their bodies be free. There’s an unearthly, ethereal atmosphere in the room and – just when we considers nudging Thomas and telling him that the orgy is happening right there in front of him – the lights come up and a voice says, “OK, be back here after lunch.” We asks Thomas – who is Swiss but moved to the US after losing his job as a bank spokesperson because of his pro-Raelian views – what sort of access there will
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We remind him what we witnessed in the hall. “Oh that is sensual meditation. It’s a way to feel good about ourselves. We’re happy people, we’ve come from all over the world to share our love. Look around, do you see anyone who is unhappy?” He’s got a point. The 300 or so here are beaming, almost radiantly so. Though mostly under 30, even the old people look three times as healthy as us. As we walk down a corridor plastered with Raelian posters about their pet causes such as ClitAid (promotes reconstructive surgery for those who’ve had their clitorises mutilated) and GoTopless.org (self-
Mexicans and Japanese – it’s like being in a particularly good house party at an international student’s house. The only thing missing is booze, which Raeliens shy away from. It’s far away from the perception of cults being people who’ve been separated from their families and who spend their lives in a compound being constantly brainwashed before committing mass suicide. We ask a couple of them how they came to join and the answer is always the same. They are interested in aliens, believed an alien had guided humanity in some way, heard about Rael caming along to a meeting and liked what they saw. But our cynical side can’t help feeling that we’re being duped, that somewhere nearby something terrible is happening, the people I’m speaking to are paid models (most are above average in looks) or worse there’s a big sex orgy going on and we haven’t been invited. Yet. Doubts about their sincerity begin to recede in the afternoon. The Raelians have organised a topless anti-war protest on Las Vegas Boulevard and predictably pandemonium ensues. As the women parade the sidewalk
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WORLD’S WEIRDEST CULTS Bored of Buddha, sick of Sikhs and Jesus left you jaded? Meet the bonkers religions that’ll take your mind (and your money) BROOKSIDE CLOSE
The sadistic writers on the Channel 4 soap had new character Simon Howe brainwash half the residents into barricading themselves into number five before incinerating themselves with a firebomb. The story ran in the aftermath of the Waco seize in Texas, where the Branch Davidian sect and their leader David Koresh blew themselves up.
The Raelians like to demonstrate to promote their free love views
SCIENTOLOGY
The most famous cult in the world, Scientology can boast star members John Travolta and Tom Cruise. Founded by sci-fi writer L Ron Hubbard in 1952, it is now followed by an estimated 10million people worldwide. They believe that an alien dictator called Xenu led an organization of planets called the Galactic Federation and that humans would be reincarnated as alien beings called Thetans. They famously stalked BBC Panorama reporter John Sweeney, who got his revenge by giving a group leader one almighty bollocking. YouTube it.
know because i want to see” with painted faces and breasts, they take a lot of abuse from passing tourists but greet any static with smiles and a wiggle of their boobs. It’s a great tactic after all – it’s hard to get angry in front of a pair of tits no matter what the mouth is saying. The detractors are easily won over and before long a good percentage of the crowd is chanting along with the Raelians, even big hulking rednecks are singing along to the John Lennon anthem Give Peace A Chance. It’s a perfect recruitment meeting: goodlooking women, dapper men (Raelians believe in dressing well out of respect for their fellow humans) and lots of fun. Mistaken by an eager couple in the crowd for a Raelian – an easy mistake to make as we hold a poster proclaiming ‘Make Love Not War’ – we’re asked how one goes about joining? “Aliens invented the first human beings? Really? Are you some sort of weirdo cult?” And that’s the nub of the problem with Raelism. No matter how nice, friendly and well balanced they seem or even are, their beliefs will get the majority of people running in the other direction. The cult label – despite a
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couple of investigations over the decades unearthing no cult-like behavior – is also an easy slur even though all today’s major religions started with a charismatic leader bringing back a message from supernatural powers. Just because Rael’s happens to have come from a little green man he met in a crater doesn’t make it any more or less ridiculous than Moses rolling down off the mountain clutching the ten commandments, does it?
party tricks
“My mother practically disowned me when I joined the movement.” We are sat at a table in the conference hall with Helen, a sixtysomething French Canadian who has been in the Raelians since the mid 70s. She looks about 55. “We speak now, I think she has come round to letting me believe in what I want to believe. But it has been hard at times.” We’re watching the evening’s cabaret, which consists of various Raelian’s party tricks. One guy plays a recorder while a woman performs contortions not usually seen out of a circus. We think about asking Helen how she enjoyed the
THE JONESTOWN MASSACRE
Founded in 1956 by Jim Jones, the ‘People’s Temple’ was supposed to be a church focusing solely on helping people in need. It didn’t take long before crackpot Jim found a remote location in the South American country of Guyana where he and his followers set up camp. As the utopia gradually went to shit, he persuaded members to commit the “revolutionary act” of suicide by poisoning themselves. On November 18, 1978, 912 people died, nearly 300 of which were young children.
DAVID BLAINE
Well, not really, but in a 2001 episode of South Park Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny decided to join his cult called the Blainiacs. Stan quickly rumbled the oddball magician as a conman brainwashing the others and joined forces with Jesus to thwart a mass suicide pack he had planned. The controversial episode was later banned by Comedy Central.
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The alien God believes in free love
The group speak to their leader via Skype
orgies, but that would be like asking our grandma what her views are on her favourite blowjobs she’s given. Rael will be shortly speaking in a live video link up from Japan, where he now resides, and an almost hysterical atmosphere is beginning to build. No one will tell me what the speech will be about only that it will be “Special” and that I should “Pay close attention”. Raelians are dancing and jumping about the place and we start to fear for our lives when it looks like the roof is going to come off, before a 20ft screen folds down to the right of the hall’s stage and Rael’s beaming face appears. He brushes down his white outfit – resembling something a midtwentieth century sci-fi movie costume designer would run up – and begin.
walk forward and stand before a camera beaming footage to Rael in Japan. They’re known as the ‘Angels’ and are tasked with guarding Rael and pleasuring him in every way. The room goes quiet and then the Angels begin singing a nursery rhyme, “Zubi, zubi zu,
the leader
zubi zu, zubi zu we love you, yes we do, yes we do” they recite together, slow at first but then faster and faster. Before long, some of them begin baring their breasts and exposing their buttocks to Rael’s – and everyone present (especially our’s) – delight. At this moment, it could only get more surreal if the Elohim
“twenty women dressed in white are tasked with pleasuring rael in every way”
But before he has a chance to impart his wisdom, there’s a commotion from the back of the hall. Could it be some crazed anti-cult movement or even members who’ve been thrown out of the gang? No, it is much stranger than that. Twenty women all dressed in white
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decide to make an appearance. A couple of hours later we are stood outside the hotel smoking. We’ve left them dancing away to Kylie Minogue songs after that speech, which judging by their reaction was the most inspired thing they’ve ever heard but to us seemed a bit too preoccupied with having correct bowel movements. It’s been a confusing couple of days, we had come prepared to infiltrated an evil cult and its brainwashed followers, but instead have been met with only kindness and the sort of joy brought on by people happy with their existence. As I stub my cigarette out a stunning red head joins me. Not missing a trick to finally worm our way into the group saucy time, we say hello before she smiles and says, “You know, if you do write something nice about us next time, you can come to the sex orgy.” She then skips away giggling to herself in the dark and, as we sit there on our own musing over the day’s events, think two things. Firstly, it must be the best thing in the world to be a prophet and, much more importantly, just how hard can it really be to start your own cult? ■ loaded
BABY CLONING
The Raelians claimed to be the first scientists in the world to successfully duplicate a human child in a bid to give
You’d think that the Raelians, with their insatiable thirst for booty, would be happy to let nature continue its fine work with procreation. But in late 2002 the organization claimed to have cloned a series of babies in their labs. To the world’s amazment, bishop Brigette Boisselier handed out photgraphs to bemused journalists showing the first child.
The five kids included one born to a Dutch lesbian and another created in Japan. And Rael was happy to tell the world his ‘creations’ were healthy and would lead the human race to immortality. “I have no doubt the child will be perfectly healthy,” he told CNN. “Everybody in the world now is crazy about what if the child has a problem? I say,
what if the child is perfectly healthy and beautiful? I think opponents to cloning are more afraid of that than of the faults.” The Raelians plan was to use the children to help eventually develop adult clones into which humans could transfer their brains. “My ultimate goal is to give humanity eternal life through cloning,” he said.
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ARABELLA DRUMMOND Words SALLY FISH
loaded’s thinking of getting a tattoo, so we decided to seek advice from Britain’s sexiest inked girl. While she took her clothes off, naturally
HAIR AND MAKE-UP BY JOHANNA DALEMO, STYLING BY BOO ATTWOOD
arabella drummond
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arabella drummond
‘‘I
t is always best to listen to the tattoo artist because they know how body shapes work,” reflects Arabella Drummond, Britain’s most alluring ink expert. At loaded we’ve always prided ourselves on our understanding of the subtle nuances of body shapes, so naturally we are mortally offended when she suggests that we actually haven’t a clue. Yet when Arabella offers to be our teacher, we’re keen to endure a little extra tuition.
By way of our first lesson, she proudly talks us through the first inky daubing to grace her skin – a tiny outline of a heart. You can still see it just below her knicker line if you take the time to stare long enough at these pictures. It was given to her in a dodgy parlour in South London at the tender age of 14. “I’ve always loved tattoos and I’ve never done anything by halves,” she tells loaded. “I woke up and got it in my mind that I wanted one. I didn’t look 18 but the place wasn’t a reputable establishment!”
myths
Having such an enviable canvas to work on would have seen Michelangelo raise his game. We don’t need the Sistine Chapel though. The freezing drafts whistling through the crumbling doss house we’ve hired for the shoot won’t prevent Arabella showing off her art, and she is keen to talk about the tat on her arm. “I came up with the idea for the characters on the sleeve and the artist had an input too,” she says. “That’s always the best way to do it.” But in keeping with the grown-up line of debate, we at loaded set out to debunk the biggest myth of them all. Are inked ladies really filthy in bed? “I’m not sure whether girls with tattoos are filthier,” Arabella replies after a lengthy pause before giggling, “Maybe.” She may only be 25, but she’s wise. Arabella recalls when the tattoo world inhabited seedy backstreets, before the days when everyone from Cheryl Cole to the Prime Minister’s better
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“I’M NOT SURE IF GIRLS WITH TATS ARE FILTHIER. WELL, MAYBE...”
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half Sam Cameron joined the tat club. Arabella – who also works for the Cirque du Soir and performed with Will.i.am – tells loaded that her portfolio of tats also gains generous feedback from her legions of female admirers. “There’s always the worry that I’m going to do too much or be off-putting for readers. But I always get a positive reaction, especially from girls. People still say the most ridiculous things to me about tattoos. It’s usually older people telling me, ‘What are you going to do when you’re 60?’ I definitely won’t give a shit when I’m that age. Besides, it doesn’t matter what they say because they’ll all be dead when I get to that age anyway,” she laughs. She has a point.
may contain nuts
Searching for more answers, we went to hardcore tattoo artist Lal Hardy for another view on the wonderful world of ink. This guy has designed for the likes of Dave Grohl, Liam Gallagher, Mackenzie Crook, The Saturdays, and Aaron Lennon in his prestigious North London parlour, New Wave Tattoo. Having been in the industry for almost 40 years, Lal’s seen it all. “The weirdest request I’ve ever had was a guy that wanted his scrotum tattooed with ‘May contain nuts’ which I didn’t do,” he tells loaded without so much as a pause. “I never, ever, go near penises, never have and never will. I don’t have to be interfering with men to make my living. The only time I’ve tattooed genitals was a very, very close friend who got a Latin word tattooed on her private area. But if I tell you the word, you’d probably know them…” He’s probably right. Ok, so genitals are a no no, any other forbidden requests? “I’ve had people come in for things that are definitely not appropriate. Sometimes their design just isn’t right. What they ask for, you just know they would regret, hence why we don’t do facial, political, racist or offensive tats.” So while we can’t get a picture of Ann Widdecombe naked, if we could just get him to design a tat of Arabella, maybe she’ll give us another lesson. ■ loaded
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“I DEFINITELY WON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT MY TATTOOS AT 60”
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features Shapewear body, www.bluebella.com, Shoes, New Look
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“my tats get a positive reaction, even from girls�
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Terrifying ordeals in Afghanistan stay with servicemen forever. But with the help of charities like Coming Home, they are able to rebuild their lives COMING HOME Words BEN DUFFY
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afghanistan
we were pinned down,” recalls Leon. “AK47s, RPGs, RPKs – all the standard Taliban weapons were being unloaded on us, and another guardsmen was shot through both of his ankles. Finally we managed to edge out of the way towards a nearby canal.”
I
PICTURE: © STEPHEN MULCAHEY / ALAMY
"
t was quiet as we walked through the compound. Comms were down and we were isolated. Then heavy fire rattled around us from all directions. There was no way out. Then the boss got shot."
Lance Sergeant Leon Peek found himself thrust into command of an entire platoon in Afghanistan and completely blocked in with machine gun fire. Defying all the odds, he managed to lead his men to safety and even dragged the body of his wounded Commander back to base. Six months of solid fighting with The Taliban and having his vehicle blown up on the way home have left the hero still battling with nightmares from the hellish tour. “We went out, 26 of us altogether. I was section commander and we were checking out an area where there were a number of built-up compounds when we came under heavy accurate fire from 15 Taliban fighting points. We were in a 360-degree ambush with no way out. “Early on, my boss was shot and the Platoon Commander is now dead as well. I just had to step up to the mark and get the men out of there. There was no way to call for support as earlier, all of the communications had been knocked out.” The soldiers were left with restricted supplies and with no visible way out, to this day they look back in amazement at their escape. “Bullets were flying everywhere and
Three days after their escape, the men who managed to escape the ambush were given medals for their bravery. Peek was award the Commendation Award and Armed Forces Hero Of The Year, as well as receiving a nomination for the Military Cross. But the battle begun to take its toll on the soldier, who had nightmares and flashbacks of the attack. “It was quite a shock to the system. I’ve been in contacts before and it's surreal, like a mixture of fear and an adrenalin rush that you will never feel again. Your stomach’s turning in a way you just can’t describe. Abdullah Jan is a place that still haunts me.” Nights without sleep and constant reminders of the assaults and missions led to Peek losing control, and he was sent back to Camp Bastion. “I wasn’t eating and I didn’t sleep for nine days. I just completely lost it to be honest. They kept me in Bastion and started my treatment. I was in a dark place. I started drinking and fighting, just going off the rails.” But things were to get progressively worse as on his way home, Peek’s vehicle was hit by an IED.
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the aftermath
invisible scars
Although not severely hurt at the time, the long-term effects have resulted in Peek not being able to run anymore, as all of the nerve endings in his legs have been destroyed. “I don’t remember too much about it but it felt like my ankles had just been smashed with a pipe. You don’t have time to react – the survival instincts kicked in and I just got away from the vehicle. The 2009 Panthers’ Tour was one of the most deadly in military history with 103 Peek pulls out the big guns deaths and 253 casualties in just four months. Peek’s unit suffered seven deaths and numerous casualties and it was down to a lack of support, he feels, that things went the way they did. “We had to make do with what we had. It was mental, being out of water. We didn’t go a day without a contact in the six months.” The emotional scars of the battle by the canal have led to Peek’s discharge from the army. “I had only just loaded.co.uk l 087
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passed my promotion course and got my third stripe to become a full corporal and step up to Platoon Commander. Every man is prepared to step up but not every man expects to do it. We were in so many contacts and so close to dying that it all just took its toll on me. They pulled me off the front line three weeks before the tour ended. I had pretty much lost my mind.” After returning home to the UK, things was never the same for Peek. He struggled to deal with what had happened abroad and feared a return to the fighting. His wife planned a party for him when he returned but he couldn’t handle it. “I had just got out of killing people, people trying to kill me, and I was just sat there in my living room,” he remembers. “I had to get out of there. I had to slip off in my car for a couple of hours. I later sat down and had a chat on the beach with my wife and we both cried.” In what Peek feels was a final insult from the army, he was stripped of his rank on the two-year anniversary of him leading his troops to safety, due to the drinking and fighting the trauma had led him to. “On May 9th 2009, I was surrounded by The Taliban shooting at me, and on May 9th 2011, I lost my rank.”
Peek, middle, and his fellow squaddies
coming home
Peek now lives in Brynna, South Wales with his wife Karly and their 19-month-old daughter Taryn. But, the two have had some good news recently, and are now expecting a second baby girl. “It’s been hard on my wife. I mean, I have been difficult to live with but she has been there every step of the way. Now we have a baby girl on the way. It’s great, she’s 24 weeks gone.” The charity Coming Home has been a real saving grace for Peek and has managed to move him away
“AK47s, RPGs, RPKs – all the standard Taliban weapons were being unloaded on us" from the trouble he was getting himself into. “I’ve just got a house with Coming Home re-homing scheme.” Peek bought a house several years ago but due to the property slump, he found he was in negative equity. Torn between not wanting to lose any more money on the house but desperate to get out of an area that was no good for his family, he applied for housing help. He was referred to Coming Home, who decided to help him buy a larger property for his expanding family, in a better area. Peek opted for Coming Home’s Shared Ownership Scheme, whereby he put down 25 per cent and Coming Home bought the rest of the property. Over time, Peek will buy more equity on the house when his compensation money from the army comes through. The charity has really helped Peek to turn his life around. “I could’ve had more help from the Welsh Guards though,” he says. “The way I see it, there’s not enough help in Wales. My mate hanged himself a few months ago. He had post-traumatic stress disorder, something I feel could have been prevented. There is a lot more help in England for people suffering with this illness. I have my family though, and they keep me strong. My wife has been incredible.”
Peek with his wife and brother on his wedding day
Peek has now turned a corner and will be putting his dark days behind him as he knuckles down and changes career. “I’m starting college in September and am going to be a plumbing and health-and-safety supervisor.” Though he says this with a smile on his face, there will always be constant reminders of the war in Afghanistan for Peek, especially as his two brothers are still serving. “My brothers have been brilliant, really understanding and have helped me out a lot. They’ve heard stories of the boys and me dragging the boss out. They know the score, but it’s a different tour out there now. When we were out there, there was more fighting.” Coming Home aims to raise £20million over five years to help more injured servicemen like Peek and his family find a suitable property, from which they can start to rebuild their lives. They are such an important charity for our armed forces and that’s why loaded supports them. In the sweltering heat in Helmand Province in 2009, at the height of the war against The Taliban, a platoon made up of 26 men from the Welsh Guards became trapped in a 360degree ambush. But the majority made it through, and their stories of regained strength, of battling through the scars and moving on with their lives are truly inspirational. ■ loaded The MOD told loaded: The mental health of service personnel is a top priority and we have robust systems in place to identify and treat those with mental health issues including when deployed on operations. These include raising awareness pre-and post-deployment and the availability of support, assessment and if required, treatment, both in theatre and back in the UK. We are also committed to reducing the stigma associated with mental illness such as through briefing to Service personnel, their families and Chain of Command.
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features
coming home
After we launched our campaign last month, there’s been an amazing response. Keep digging!
C
oming Home has one simple aim: to help put a roof over the heads of brave wounded and seriously-injured troops. The charity campaign to raise money to provide speciallyadapted and appropriate housing for the hundreds of service personnel looking to rebuilding their lives. Prime Minister David Cameron said, “I am delighted to support Coming Home and its pledge to find and adapt
housing for servicemen who have given so much for the defence of our country. As you know, I have just announced the enshrining of the Military Covenant into law and we will work in partnership with Haig Housing Trust and Coming Home to ensure these brave men and women have the life they so richly deserve.” To donate, call the Coming Home donation hotline on 02086855770 or text 'Home18 £3' (or any amount up to £10) to 70070.
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paul baxendale-walker
i’m loaded paul baxendale-walker
Words ben duffy Photography antonio petronzio
Welcome to the world of the multi-millionaire former porn star, orphan and tax genius who bought this very magazine and plans to take on British TV... ome say he’s an eccentric playboy chasing hordes of models around his labyrinthine mansion. Others say he’s a legal genius with a Midas touch for perplexing tax schemes – which reap enough riches to plug the eurozone. Yet blink for a second and he’ll morph again. This time into a cigar and pipe smoking tycoon who in a former life swapped the director’s chair for a starring role in his own adult movies. Welcome to the mind-bogglingly bizarre and downright extraordinary world of orphan, lawyer, businessman, human chameleon and multi-millionaire Paul Baxendale-Walker – the new owner of loaded magazine.
Sweeping through an elite private estate teeming with security personnel, checkpoints and electric fences in Surrey, we are about to meet a man who has revealed every inch of himself on camera, but has never before exposed the real Paul. A smirking guard at the gatehouse waves us on like a fairground attendant who knows the waltzer is about to ignore health and safety standards. The towering gates at the bottom of his driveway close behind us. And then we get our first glimpse. A slight figure appears in a luxury burgundy-coloured smoking jacket and er, very casual jeans. “I’m not who they think I am. I’m Paul,” he tells loaded, as an impish grin dances across his face. The millionaire was abandoned at birth and the names of his biological parents were never revealed on documents. He doesn’t really know where he came from. His exact age is veiled in mystery. “I was born in a leap year so technically that makes me about 11,” he tells us. A cocktail of unique contradictions, he beckons us inside his £14million mansion and goes out of his way to make us feel at home amid the splendor. He views strangers as mates
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paul baxendale-walker he’s not had a chance to meet and doesn’t use his wealth to impress, yet seems comfortable in his surroundings. “I had a £6million home down the road, but I wasn’t keen on it, so I decided I’d rent it out and build this one,” he mentions without bragging. “I couldn’t have a helicopter pad on the roof of the old place.” In fact, for a bloke who’s spent the last two decades mapping a debauched voyage of sexual discovery under the guise of his randy alter ego Paul Chaplin, while also stashing away an estimated £600million fortune, he actually seems as chilled as a fish finger. “People think I wear masks every day and if they rip them off they’ll find a sad sod underneath, but they won’t. Take off this mask – I’m the same underneath. I’m a ringmaster. I’m not just on a jolly. I want to use my power and money to create an entertainment community.”
palace
He bought the magazine two months ago and has invested heavily. He believes in making things work and is not a man to cut corners when it comes to costs, with loaded TV his vision for the future of digital broadcasting. One face though he has shed is his porn star image. Within minutes of our arrival, he lets slip that he’s recently sold off his movie empire to a Los Angeles company for $20million – a lucrative money shot in anyone’s book. Given his talent for raking it in, it’s no surprise he lives in a palace. The walls are clad in expensive cartoon prints and the state-of-the-art fridges house vegetable trays laden with an assortment of chocolate bars piled high like gold bullion in Fort Knox. In a huge library are endless copies of science fiction books and comics, mixed in with some of his favourite adult magazines. So, how does he feel to have finally stood down from his XXX-rated exploits? “Those years were great,” Paul recalls contentetly while chuffing on one of his many vintage pipes. “We had the swinging parties, the party parties and it was all just good healthy fun. I mean can you imagine, one
“there was 20 of us in this country house, dressed as monsters and cheerleaders, having a massive orgy’’ time there was 20 of us having a good time in this lovely country house, with half dressed as monsters and the other half as sexy cheerleaders, just having a massive orgy.” That was then though. Now, Anglo-Brazilian Paul, who spent his childhood bouncing between care homes before dragging himself through university, spends his downtime writing poems and working on his philosophy. The only thing he strums these days is his guitar in rehearsal for his band. He is in control of a burgeoning publishing empire, which is making plans for the television domination of loaded TV. Well, that’s what we thought as loaded reclined in opulence we could get used to. Yet just as the misty-eyed reminiscing begins, the doorbell goes. Two impossibly-glamorous looking women, who turn out to be a couple of old acquaintances, have popped by to take him out for a spot of tea and crumpets. Two hours later, he returns with his spirits reinvigorated by the bouncy pair. “See I love that, just popping out for lunch. I mean five years ago we wouldn’t have made it out the door,” he explains. “Now we just go out to a nice lunch and discuss marriage plans, not mine of course. I’m not looking for a relationship but I am open to the idea because I have been up and down the slide of casual sex for two decades. I’ve done it, got all the T-shirts and the hoodies, and the ones that glow in the dark.” There is though, much more to this enigmatic character. The porn life was a far cry from his original profession as a lawyer and solicitor specialising in tax. “I was orphaned out at birth,” Paul tells loaded without any bitterness. “In those days it was all in black and white and there was only the sketchiest information. My birth certificate has no more than half a paragraph of detail. I started out in Burnley, Lancashire which was handy for Mecca Bingo. After that I was shunted around from institution to institution and foster family to foster family. They had a policy in those days of not giving you any information on your parents on the basis that the less you knew the better. There is no chance of ever
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Paul’s only vice is his pipe
finding out the truth now. The way I see it, you make your past every day. The time in care was horrible, but I wouldn’t say that’s what drives me. It was a bit like being a dog in a pet shop and people coming and inspecting you and saying ‘I want that one’. You end up being taken somewhere or sent somewhere and making your own way from there. Not having had the security of a family, I had nothing to limit me. I never had to compare myself to anyone. What I did get out of it was a huge degree of independence from a very early age. That gives you an Iron Man suit of amour to carry for life. With those experiences you can do anything and be comfortable being on a porn movie set with 60 people and it doesn’t matter.” Whatever his motivation, Paul’s talent for money making and law put him ahead of the pack at an early age. “I was self taught. I never went to school. It was pointless. I taught myself in libraries and had a brain that went with it. The talent finds the outlet. It is really survival of the fittest. Although in some societies I would not have survived because there would have been no need for a lawyer. Perhaps being a serial killer in some countries would have been great. I made my first million at the age of 30 from law and finance. I set up my own firm on my 30th birthday and within a year I’d made a million. I did law at Oxford and then I became a barrister, then a solicitor and then an accountant.” Despite his fleet of 45 top-of-the-range motors, he hardly ever drives them. Paul is cryptic and coy about the value of his assets. “I don’t know,” is the answer loaded gets when we
ask him to give us a figure. “If a person knows the full extent of what they’re worth, then they are not worth anything. I seriously don’t know. How would you value a business with a huge turnover if I stop doing it? It’s like any personal service, such as massage. I do get richer every year, but I’m happy. It feels the same to be an ordinary person as a rich one. There is no real difference. What’s of value to me is being able to help people, which sounds very hippy. I’ve got six godchildren and the fact I’m able to send those kids off to great schools and give them such fantastic opportunities is what matters. I’m into philosophy, spiritualism and energy. I’m into all of that.” Sensing he’s a nice guy, we push it. What do you spend your cash on? “I’ve got no lavish excesses. I don’t have any expensive tastes. I don’t have holidays. I’m just your average multi-millionaire.” Come off it, loaded wants more detail. “I get exactly the same buzz from buying a packet of jelly babies now as I did when I was a kid because it means something to me.”
porn stars
Working with a team of well-established porn stars, he created Bluebird, which quickly developed into one of the leading adult entertainment producers worldwide. “We created a scene at what was the first Bluebird studio in a nice complex with a bar and artsy people doing artsy things, it was an old Post Office. It meant you had that safe environment where you can just play. The very first shoot we ever did was a girl on girl, which I had a cameo role in. The irritating boyfriend comes into the bar and says ‘What are you doing? That’s my girlfriend.’ And we learnt from scratch how to film this and
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the end, well that’s life. If you go on the piss, have a great time and at the end of the night hand your credit card over and you can’t pay, you are going to be in trouble with the bouncer. That’s life. The revenue took them on as a nice little bumping case, but when you look at how successful it has been, they haven’t got £50million so [the creditors] wont get 50p [after administration]. Well done, Rangers should be thinking ‘Great, we’ve had a party and we haven’t had to pay for it.’”
make it work. I had a girl dressed as Snow White and cuddly dwarfs – people thought we were nuts. There was this key element of fantasy, not just ‘I wish I could shag a bird with big tits’ but stuff that people dream about.” Surely appearing in your own films and magazines must have wielded some pretty crazy stories? “One time we were filming at my country manor and we did a huge movie called Murder Mystery Weekend, and the guests came along and got murdered and there was the whole whodunit theme. We had a couple of scenes with the phantom butler – who we thought was the killer but wasn’t – and he was molesting the dead ladies.” Blimey. “But”, he adds laughing, “they brought a law in saying it was illegal to depict that.”
With that cleared up, loaded is, obviously, keen to find out about our new boss’ former success in the ‘adult entertainment’ business. “It’s not really that surprising how I first got involved on the other side of the camera. I was seeing one of the adult stars and she was about to act in a shoot but the stud didn’t turn up and we had everyone there on shot. She said ‘Come on Paul, come and play with me.’ I was shy and said I couldn’t but she was very persuasive, so I said OK without the cameras rolling. After we started, she motioned to the cameraman and the film started rolling, I didn’t realise until halfway through but
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adult entertainment
‘‘she said ‘come on paul, come and play with me.’ i was shy but she was persuasive. i wanted to see how the scene looked’’ Paul has also penned several books on tax schemes, one of which was picked up by Rangers FC who have gone into liquidation. Keen to clear up his part in the matter, Paul said, “There has been a lot of tail wagging dog stuff. My firm advised David Murray’s company and Murray himself, and we certainly did something that was similar to what Rangers did. But what the football club did was under their own steam in their own way. Whether they did it right or not we don’t know yet, but what is bizarre is you have these complaints that they cheated because they spent more money than they actually had.” “That’s a successful strategy because where is the morality in football?” he adds, unfazed by the resulting furore the incident created. “It’s business and what has happened is that all the moralist agenda has been shoved into it. That has ended up with Rangers being liquidated. I think ‘Well done, what was the point of that?’ If they hadn’t saved the tax at the time they did, they wouldn’t have been able to buy the players and they wouldn’t have won the championships so what are they complaining about? To have a huge bill at
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paul baxendale-walker instantly I was excited and wanted to see how it looked. The key to unlocking him could be summed up by the pictures of Mr Benn and Alice In Wonderland that hang on his walls. Also there is his curious infatuation with Jessica Rabbit. If he has an idea in his head, he follows it. For instance, loaded is impressed when he reveals he can play the guitar, violin, keyboard and drums, all of which he practices in his home studio. “My music studio is next to the bedroom. At 3am I’ll be thinking about a tune I like, get my acoustic out, and up I go, play away,” he adds. “The guitar is my main instrument, Led Zeppelin is the keystone, along with The Who. The stuff I write is a really melodic Brit rock, so there is a good rhythm going.” Paul’s motto, ‘I believe in life before death’, is embossed across everything he does. His recent acquisition of loaded will also lead to a new TV channel which will start in October and is now the main drive behind his day to day routine – something that has fulfilled a two-decade-old
body and abusing it is not a great idea. Over the years I’ve helped fund half a dozen girls when they’ve lost their way and needed a stay in The Priory. I’ve gone out with girls who have done stuff but I always tell them not to do it around me because I don’t feel comfortable with it. I have been down the Priory and I have seen a room where a girl is breaking the furniture like she has a starring part in The Exorcist.” It seems priorities have changed for Paul. “A couple of years ago my social life and porn were the same thing. One of the reasons for dispensing with the Bluebird lifestyle was to get away from that. Now I am living the loaded lifestyle. There are still plenty of beautiful girls, but it’s not something I look for – it’s something that’s there.” The generous side also shows as he has helped put a number of his godchildren through school and treats them as much as he can. This is a side of him he shares with his ladies too – he once bought a Bentley Continental because one of the lasses liked to drive it. “One of the nicest things is that girls who I
‘‘i’ve gone out with girls who have done drugs but i always tell them that i don’t feel comfortable with it’’ dream. Thankfully for us, he’s a fan of the magazine. “I read loaded the first day it came out. I was that generation. I set up my own firm in 1994 when I was about 30, and loaded came out around the same time. There I am, one of the youngest minted millionaires in Belgravia and I read loaded and thought, ‘Yeah this is talking to me’. Cool Britannia was me and I was in the middle of it. So it was really exciting when I bought the magazine because that is me. I live the magazine’s lifestyle and have done so for most of my life. I can’t wait for loaded TV to kick off. We have big ideas for entertainment.” Paul’s involvement in film has seen him be asked to play a cameo role in a new £100million movie starring a big-name hard man. “I’m a character actor really. I’m cast in a movie in November as an irritating waiter. I’ve done a bit of cofunding and was asked ‘So you fancy a role?’” Despite living such an off-the-wall existence, Paul has admirably stayed away from the lure of drink and drugs or other dangerous excesses. “I am high on life. I’m in a bit of a Bill Clinton situation – not that I’ve had a blowjob from an intern. Well, saying that, I have, more than one, but I didn’t leave the stains on their dresses! Seriously though, when it comes to my brain, I feel it is the most important organ in my
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previously just had a functional sexual relationship with are now people I spend time with. They are cool dudes. It’s so nice that we have made a situation out of the occasion.” As the interview draws to a close, his fast-moving mind changes again and he drags loaded into his lounge where he plays a track he has recorded with his band on one of the guitars he owns. From orphan to lawyer to porn producer to magazine owner, Paul Baxendale-Walker – aka the gaffer – is a risk taker who keeps making it pay. We know less about him now than we did before, but through our puzzled haze his final words echo on. “I always believe you find the most special flowers in the desert.” Indeed. n loaded
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’ s d a l dads
ries est sto g ig b e th r icons from ou
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blur
BLUR Words HARRIET NOTTON & MATTHEW DRAKE
‘‘W
e used to joke that there were a lot of geniuses around. As it turns out, a few of them actually were,” recalls Alex James of his time at London’s Goldsmiths University. He wasn’t to know, but amid the artistic mayhem he and a trio of pals, Albarn, Coxon and Rowntree, were about to light the fuse on the coolest era since the ’60s swung. Britpop was about to explode...
features
Don’t you dare think about leaving the house. We’re celebrating 21 years of Blur in an exclusive interview with Alex James
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blur
21 years and seven albums later...
In a swaggering storm of champagne, groupies, cocaine and pickled cows, the twitching heart of the Goldsmiths scene spat out the likes of artists such as Damien Hirst. But more importantly, it gave us Blur. Amazingly, it’s been 21 years since they bagged a top-ten spot in the UK charts with their debut album Leisure and became the cutting edge.
fun and games
In August, Blur will reunite to celebrate the closing of the summer Olympic Games in London’s Hyde Park alongside New Order and The Specials. Blur have come a long way since the penniless quartet pulled all-nighters at a recording studio where they scavenged for food. “Goldsmiths felt like a really good place for a band to begin. A lot of stuff was happening and it was exciting. We were a product of that. Our first gig was Damien Hirst’s degree show,” James says. During jamming sessions in a studio in Euston, Blur’s sound – a mix of Madchester and shoegaze – began to develop. In 1988, James and Graham Coxon enrolled at Goldsmiths. “I knew the moment I saw Coxon that an important person had just walked into my life,” gushes James. There, they met Damon Albarn
and his childhood friend Dave Rowntree and the band took shape. “We used to walk to the studio, a four-hour slog. We loved staying up all night writing. That was when the journey really took shape.” It was in that studio that they came up with the concept for their first big single, There’s No Other Way. The whole music scene at the time was about us hanging out,
“The whole music scene at the time was about us hanging out, getting drunk and talking about music” getting drunk together and talking about music. The ‘scene’ had its headquarters at the Syndrome club on Oxford Street. I remember the first time There’s No Other Way got played there and watching Emma Anderson from Lush dance to it. I thought I’d died and gone to heaven.” Boozing was already an integral part to the sound and James pauses before revealing more about the band’s vices. “All those
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Early days
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blur
It’s a hard life
other things come with college, don’t they? We had the opportunity to travel which meant that we could meet women and make a mess before disappearing off to the next place. We drank heavily, behaved chaotically and fought a lot with each other.” Yet still Blur found themselves in a tight financial spot when landed with a huge tax bill. They were sent on a gruelling 13-week tour of America by their label, Food, to earn their way out of trouble. “We were financially challenged. We couldn’t pay this VAT bill and after Pop Scene didn’t really take the charts by storm, we got sent to America. It was difficult – 90 days, two gigs per day and drinking a hell of a lot. But that was where Britpop took off. There was suddenly a look to our music.” So, with the first album gaining commercial success, the follow-up album was nothing short of a disappointment.
e v i s u l c x e
Whilst on tour, they started writing new music and came up with Girls And Boys and Parklife. They knew it from the first time they played them on tour in Sweden. “It wasn’t pitch black at that point because it was summer, it was more a dark blue sky ! before n e so we could see the crowds better. Rowntree brought e s r neve us in on the opening beat of Girls And Boys and everyone was bouncing up and down already. It was truly amazing. The disco vibe really got them going and we knew we’d done it. We went on to perform Parklife as an encore and we totally smashed it. “There comes a point when every band in history thinks they need to grow up and stand on their own feet. After the split, we’re now able to return to it with the same spirit that we started with,” says James. We’re more than ready for the lads to get back on the stage at Hyde Park. But what songs can we expect to hear? “There’s always a punch-up when it comes to rebirth the set list. We don’t have one as yet.” After the first album, the band posed for these rare pictures Blur have been there, done it and even managed to scoop the taken by London photographer Tom Sheehan. Recalling the Outstanding Contribution To Music trophy at the 2012 Brit shoot he says, “It was a Sunday in October 1990 and we Awards. And one thing’s for sure – we’re getting ready to dust were at Click Studios in Clerkenwell. I bought a bottle of down our retro Adidas’ and leap down that musical memory wine and a crate of beer to get the boys livened up. Damon lane on August 12. It’s going to be one hell of a 21st. ■ loaded was fucking about, gurning, which is pretty annoying when Blur 21: The Box is out on July 30th on Parlophone you don’t have much time to get the shots. It was for their first appearance in The Maker.” Next was Modern Life Is Rubbish which only reached number 15. James says, “The record company didn’t even want us to release it but it’s still my favourite album. My kids love it too.”
pics
“We could meet women and make a mess before disappearing off to the next place”
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ALL A BLUR what happened next......
GRAHAM COXON
He was one of the main hellraisers of the band. After being asked to quit Blur in 2002, he embarked on a quest to go solo and he’s been pretty successful, too. In 2006, he helped pen Hurry Up England, a take on Sham 69’s Hurry Up Harry, released to support England at the 2006 Word Cup. He’s also worked with Paul Weller and has recently signed a deal to write songs for The Wanderers, a film based on Blur’s Britpop success.
the 2010 General election against the Tories and most recently, he’s training to become a solicitor.
DAVE ROWNTREE
James doesn’t exactly live the rockstar life anymore. In fact, quite the opposite. The rural idyll was too much to turn down for the bassist and he buggered off to The Cotswolds, bought a farm and started producing cheese. These days, he can be found mucking out pigs and milking cows with his wife and five kids.
Frontman Albarn is still heavily involved in the music scene. His animated band Gorillaz are every bit as successful as Blur and he’s once again changed people’s perception on live music. He also created the Monkey: Journey opera and a theatre.
ALEX JAMES
features
He’s the shy and retiring drummer with a passion for computer animation. Since his Blur days, Rowntree may not have been in the spotlight but boy has he been busy. He’s directed two episodes of the South Parkesque show Empire Square which debuted on Channel 4 in 2005. He’s also stood in
DAMON ALBARN
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bob marley
BOB MARLEY REGGAE Words HARRIET NOTTON and MATThew DRAKE
THE
features
LOST FILES
Secret reggae treasure shines a light on the Rasta King’s drugs, women and philandering white father
23
September 1980, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania: Bob Marley leaps on stage at the Stanley Theater followed by The Wailers to deliver his most energetic performance yet. Swaying to the beat like a man possessed, his matted locks flick violently from side to side, cracking his aquiline features like a whip. Praising the Rastafarian God, Jah, he bounces off the audience’s frenzied screams and works everyone into a state of ecstasy. Marley goes on to perform two encores. A delirious fog of weed and free spirit will take hours to disperse. So will the feverish crowd. Yet what no one could have known was that they were bearing witness to the last throes of a reggae titan. Only eight months after this fabled night in America’s Steel City, Marley lost his battle with cancer, giving rise to music’s most enduring legacy. One of the biggest record industry earners of all time, more than 30 years after his death, Marley’s estate is worth an incredible $1billion. His voice remains an omnipresent cry in an electronic world, yet his roots are shrouded
in mystery. Until now, that is. From the depths of the former squatter slums of Trench Town in Jamaica’s capital, Kingston, a series of extraordinary never-before-seen artefacts have surfaced. Found amid the corrugated iron shacks and open sewers, official documents and pictures give the first amazing insight into the private world of the man who gave the world No Woman, No Cry, and Redemption Song. Marley’s son and keeper to the flame, Ziggy, uncovered the priceless treasure trove after he began a quest to chart his father’s rise from obscurity to super-stardom. He unearthed extraordinary documents such as a 1969 Visa application, written in a taut hand and completed in capital letters. Robert Nesta Marley gives his place of birth as Rhoden Hall, St Ann, Jamaica.
illegitimate
Marley’s mother, Cedella Booker, is named on the form. The pretty gospel singer overcame the hardships as a single parent, declaring, “I didn’t know he was going to be a reggae king, but I knew he was a king from birth”. Under his passport number 57778, Marley applied for a visa that would expire in 1974 – the year he would achieve international acclaim. From the yellowing paper the name Norval Marley stares out. A white ex-naval officer from Suffolk, he had a taste for black girls, bedding scores as he trawled Jamaica’s plantations. He loaded.co.uk l 105
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bob marley C’mon who rolled it with super glue?
took a fancy to Cedella. “There had always been lots of rumours and speculation about who Bob’s father was,” Ziggy tells loaded. “Now we know the truth.” His story is the subject of a fascinating new documentary, Marley. Skinny young Bob looked so different from his black mother that he was nicknamed ‘the German’. Being an outsider became the driving force.
jammin’
Ziggy – who fronts the Melody Makers – discovered Marley’s work permit. The withered contract is stamped 24th April 1973. On Department of Employment paper, it says that
Marley, a Commonwealth citizen, is a lead vocalist, guitarist and song-writer working for Island Records in their studios in London’s Notting Hill. Its officious nature may not be in keeping with his spliff-smoking, free-loving outlook, but it kept him in the UK, and for that we’re grateful. He had formed The Wailers, with his childhood friends including Peter Tosh and his stepbrother Bunny Wailer. They were so poor, they made their own guitars with strings fashioned from stripped electrical wiring. And such was Marley’s desire that he forced them to rehearse U.S R&B songs and the new local music called ska for 18 hours a day.
“BOB WASN’T ALWAYS GIVEN GOOD ADVICE. PEOPLE AROUND HIM DIDN’T HAVE HIS BEST INTERESTS AT HEART” – ZIGGY MARLEY
They were earning just £3 a week. Only when he embraced Rastafarianism, with black pride and marijuana smoking as a sacrament, did he find his vocation. At the same time, his band moved on to the new, slower reggae beat. Ziggy found an invite to an afterparty for Marley and The Wailers’ life-changing gig at the Lyceum in 1975. This was the gig that Rita Marley, wife of Marley and one of the three I-Three backing singers, describes as being “the most memorable and moving concert of their lives”. The invite shows an iconic shot of Marley sporting a stoned stare. Furthermore, a tour schedule for 1975 turned up. Faded and the colour of an old teabag, the content is gold. You can see exactly where he performed the most famous songs of his career. “A lot of the documents were stored by family. Once they knew the plan, lots of people were keen to share their stories. They wanted to speak openly about Bob,” Ziggy tells loaded. Yet the footage also discloses decade-old deceit. “He wasn’t always given good advice. I don’t think that his friends or followers, whatever you call them, had his best interests at heart and I didn’t like that at all. Some people were in it for themselves.” With a swooping voice to warm the heart of even a heartless dictator (Robert Mugabe can be spotted bustin’ some moves, in the film), not only was Marley responsible for introducing the world to reggae, but also his ideologies. From Trench Town tearaway, to global sell-out concerts, film-maker Kevin MacDonald pulls no punches. Marley was so single-minded, those close to him were often neglected. Ziggy was forced to share his father with so many fans – not to mention his ten other children, many of them illegitimate and the result of many affairs he conducted during his marriage. Marley had at least seven mistresses, including a Jamaican Miss World. “I learnt a lot of new things about my father that surprised me,” Ziggy says in an emotional chat moments after a gig in California. “I had little knowledge of his youth and those stories surprised me. There were a lot of things we didn’t expect people to have. I found myself asking them ‘how did you get that?’ and ‘where did you find it?’” Marley’s roots encouraged him to become politically active, especially when it came to Africa and the daily struggle of African people. This is the man who managed to get the leaders of two warring political groups in Jamaica to get up on stage at the free Smile Jamaica concert, shake hands and have a boogie. Just imagine what wonders he could have performed on Israel and Palestine. “Not everyone can say that. Everyone knows of him. Bob was bigger than [Michael] Jackson because his message was bigger. He wrote about the struggle and plight of people everywhere and for that reason, his legacy is bigger than anyone else’s.” On his deathbed, Marley uttered his final poignant words to his son, “Money can’t buy life”. It seemed all he wanted was a little more time; and boy, don’t we wish he could have had it. n loaded Pre-order your Ultimate Collector’s Edition Blu-ray now, with 150 pages of exclusive Marley material, from amazon.co.uk. MARLEY is out on Blu-r-ay with UltraViolet™, DVD, digital download and via video-on-demand on August 20th, from Universal Pictures (UK).
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MARLEY - BOXSET DOCUMENTS - D - EMPLOYMENT SHEET
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When is a coward not A Coward?
UMENTS MARLEY - BOXSET DOC
LE - B - TOUR SCHEDU
Courtesy of Island Records. Film © Shangri-la Entertainment LLC and Tuff Gong Pictures LP 2012. Packaging Design © 2012 Universal Studios. All Rights Reserved.
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MARLEY - BOXSET DOCUMENTS - E - VISA APPLICATION 1 - BOB MARLEY
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features
bob marley
“Marley had at least seven mistresses, including a Jamaican Miss World� loaded.co.uk l 109
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features soho Words BEN DUFFY Photography JAMES CHEADLE
The upmarket restaurants and poncy PR agencies may have moved in, but as loaded discovers, they haven’t taken London’s hell-raising heartland just yet 222 F SOHO.indd 3
I
t’s the tender strip of London that’s seen it all. Drunken Royals, randy politicians and drugged-up A-listers once left Soho looking guilty, feeling guilty, yet walking on air. But does this Soho, the old Soho, still exist? loaded asked Oscar Owide and Tony Curran, two men with a combined 100-year residency in the true heart of the capital. With the formerlytitled The King of Soho poised to hit the silver screen, life in the ‘adult village’ will once again be thrust into public view. The movie depicts the life of multi-millionaire and former strip club owner Paul Raymond, and it was during his 40-year reign that other businessmen were quick to pick up on the wants and needs of men from all classes. If Raymond is the King, then Owide and Curran are the undisputed bosses of Soho. While most gentlemen of a certain age have their slippered feet up in front of the fire, pipe in mouth and mug of Horlicks in hand, maybe an open box of Werther’s Original on the pouffe, Oscar Owide spends his days, nights and early mornings running the infamous Windmill Theatre. This is a place whose motto, ‘We never close’ meant it stayed open during the very darkest days of World War II. The stunning ‘Windmill Girls’ – who posed nude while performing themed numbers – would even sleep on the floor when the German bombs rained over Soho. Often huge queues would form from early morning and as the endless performances continued throughout the day. The plum seats were in the first six rows, under the hot, bright footlights, where the punters were close enough to see and often touch the girls. Other men behind would vault over the steps to move closer – something that became known as “The Windmill Steeplechase”. Such was the pounding the rows took, a handyman would have to tighten the bolts every morning.
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So this is a man who eats, sleeps and breathes the Soho way of life, and the daily routine of the legendary nightclub lifestyle is something he will do until he dies. Speaking like a man who has truly seen it all he says, “It’s not like it was in the old days – everyone would be in here now! Every night it would be packed out and it would be, without a doubt, a fantastic night. Now things have changed of course – there’s less money and people aren’t as smart. I see a pretty girl come in with a lovely dress on and then the man comes in wearing a pair of dirty old jeans and trainers. It’s not right.” Owide dedicates his days to ensuring every aspect of the club is perfect. He is a man who knows what he likes and he likes things done a certain way. Meeting and greeting his clients till the early hours of the morning are all part of the service and, despite the sweat and bags under the eyes, it’s clear Owide wouldn’t change it for anything.
before heading to his club on Great Windmill Street in Soho. Appearance is a big deal – he believes that the way a man presents himself defines who that man is, and it is something that’s been an integral part of the Soho club scene over the last half century. Although the cliental has changed, it’s not stopped Owide looking back fondly on the days when his club was filled with London’s elite. “There was a time you would come in here and to your right you would see a prince and then to your left, a Hollywood actor. There were no worries about being seen out, people just enjoyed themselves. I would be drinking with politicians and athletes and the girls would be great. Now you don’t get the politicians so much – people are a lot more worried about being seen out enjoying themselves.” You won’t catch Owide discussing who his favourite clients were though. There is a code of silence he stands by – he respects his guests and they respect him. “You don’t name-drop who’s been in here or they don’t come back – you respect people’s privacy.” But being a gentleman and a hard worker isn’t enough to succeed around here – it’s a cut-throat area with competition round every grubby street corner. Owide has
sharp suits
For Owide, known as one of Soho’s biggest characters, each day begins at around 11am. He leaves his London apartment dressed in one of his many sharp suits
PLACES THAT STILL MAKE SOHO GREAT LAB-Academy
12 Old Compton Street Perhaps the best cocktails in Soho or even the whole of London. This small, stylishlyretro cocktail bar is set on two floors and combines the raw and trendy sides of London.
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PUNK
14 Soho Street The brightly-coloured design of this basement bar in the heart of Soho is stylish, atmospheric and extremely popular with the after-work drinkers of Medialand.
BAr Soho
23-25 Old Compton Street If you fancy a cheap but lively start to a night out then look no further. Always busy, great bar staff and amazing prices, this is the part of the area that is thriving and always busy.
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– tony curran
had more than his fair share of hard knocks in life. He understands that, like many from Soho’s heyday, staying out of trouble and avoiding being sucked in by London’s rife criminal underground is no easy task. Despite this, he has come out the other end and is proud that his business survives. The pencil moustache and slicked-back hair all epitomise the cool-yet-tough boss of Soho, one of the last original characters of the area. After all the changes, he’s one man who is keeping the spirit alive for a next generation.
sunset strip
Owide’s appearance is in stark contrast to 60-year-old Tony Curran’s, owner of stripclub Sunset Strip. Dressed in battered jeans and an opened button-down shirt, he is relaxed and enjoying life, and it’s hard to imagine that a smile has ever left his face. Sunset Strip is one of the more colourful venues on Dean Street and is right in the epicentre of all the new businesses. The neon lights shine brightly as an important reminder of what Soho is really all about. As you walk down the long road, it feels much less like London and far more like you’re in a bar in Spain or on
Dean Street town house, 69 Dean Street This is the high end of Soho, where the trendy and the rich go to eat and stay until the early hours of the morning. Booking ahead is advised but a good time is guaranteed.
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features
“i never had kids, but i’ve got 120 girls i look after just as much” one of the Greek islands. It’s a paradisiacal escape from the madness that is everyday London life, and there is a real transition of mood as you enter the bar. Whether it’s a cocktail or a beer you’re after, they’re all lower in price than the majority of drinks in Central London. Head downstairs for a show and there’s Curran. Welcoming and a people-pleaser, he loves his life. He’s a born entertainer and wholly hospitable to everyone. He jokes, “I went home the other night and said to my wife, ‘Darling I spent the night with two lovely ladies, we couldn’t keep our hands off of each other, I’m sorry’. She looked me straight in the eyes and said, ‘You’ve been playing cards again haven’t you!’ That’s the sort of person you need when you live around here, with this kind of life – someone who trusts you and who can roll with the jokes in life. I’ve never had any kids, although I’ve got 120 girls in here that I look after just as much.”
cheap thrills
Curran has a different approach to Owide, although he does speak fondly of him. Both of them have had to adapt over the years and while the Windmill is still classic and classy, Sunset Strip is the chameleon of the area
The French house
49 Dean Street This is the place where you’ll find Soho locals. With good beer and great service, the French House normally has people spilling out on to the street but that’s its charm.
candy club
4 Carlisle Street Without a doubt the leader in clubs for lesbians. Having a penis may casue some problems on entry, but once inside it is one of the coolest, and chilled clubs in London,.
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SOHO OLDIES Some of the hotspots from yesteryear
THE INTREPID FOX
The pub was once a favourite for Rod Stewart and Ronnie Wood before it was closed down. A bit too goth and rock for some, but still one of the best nights out around.
RONNIE SCOTT’S
Still one of the most popular live music venues in London and its touch of class still makes the jazz bar one of the coolest places to be. Opened in 1959, it’s one of the only original venues to still be untouched by the ever-developing area.
“WE WERE THINKING OF WAYS TO DRUM UP BUSINESS AND CAME UP WITH LESBIAN NIGHT” – TONY CURRAN
STRINGFELLOWS
For years it’s been leading the way of strip clubs in London. It attracts top bankers and celebrities on a nightly basis and has done so for over half a century. Many men have lost it all here.
and with a snap of the fingers, cheap thrills are the order of the modern day. “We were thinking of new ways to drum up business back in the ’90s because everyone was doing the same thing. So we came up with a lesbian night! All the girls kept dancing but no men were allowed in the club. It was packed, absolute chaos, the busiest place in town – the windows were streaming over it was so hot. It was a brilliant idea but it was just getting too out of control and the police said, ‘Tony if you don’t shut it down it, we will’. And that was fine, there was far more of that kind of cooperation before – now there are rules for everything and the truth is that it just isn’t as fun anymore.”
fix up, look sharp
CHINAWHITE
Once the place to be for celebrities and Premier League footballers with its never-ending bottles of champagne, now it’s frequented by the TOWIE lot or some League 2 players.
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Halfway through talking, a man walks in from Savile Row. He’s brought Tony along a new shirt and suit, a style that he’s had made for one of his close friends. It’s a side that really shows the community spirit of the area – you look after me and I’ll look after you. “See my friend here is always talking about getting a new suit so I got him one – look how great he looks!” says the tailor with a wistful glint in his eye. “I love seeing the smiles on people’s faces,” Soho is an iconic area that will keep changing to meet the public’s demands, but a large percent of the old village – the seedy sex shops, the table-dancing clubs and the pole-dancing bars – are still as prominent as
ever, and it’s a mixture of the old and new which makes Soho what it is. And so what loaded begins to realise is that this corner of London is a place that has made its own luck, and each night has more stories to tell than anywhere else in the capital – it’s home to the naughty side of life but one that always leaves you with a smile on your face. The Soho of old, and still the Soho of today, remains a place that unashamedly revels in its mischievous image yet still maintains an aura of harmless fun.
soho survives
Owide jets off to Marbella shortly after our interview to make plans for a flat he owns out there – the energy from the man is unbelievable, and the same can be said for Curran. “Soho will, in the next two years, be the place to be seen and socialise again in London,” says Owide. “I’ve seen it before and it’s happening again – there’s a buzz in the area and people are coming back.” While the huge, almost never-ending tentacles of the many clean-cut media firms and big-money advertising agencies dominate the area, the flickers of the old Soho still seep through, you just have to look a little harder now than before. The character that dominated London culture over the last 100 years remains just about intact. And if that keeps you believing like it has for Owide aged 80, then Soho must still be doing something right. ■ loaded
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soho stories
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loaded style FASHION’S EDbIeTstObuRy
Starter Black shoes The cult headwear brand Starter Black clearly weren’t happy enough dominating the UK hat and cap scene, so they have decided to launch a footwear range set to drop on high streets this September. A collection of canvas, suede and wool trainers in high, mid and low-top styles and in a variety of colours. This Hamden high-top can be yours for a very reasonable £65, refuelstore.com
Summer clobber Cool stuff to spend your hard-earned cash on
Denim & Supply by RL
Eastpak backpack Add a bit of colour to any outfit with this stars and stripes backpack from our fave luggage brand Eastpak. Not only does it look good, but the best bit is the 30-year guarantee, so pop a little reminder in your diary for 2042 to go and swap it for a new one.
Denim & Supply was born out of the warehouses and artist communities of Brooklyn, capturing the unique style of clothes that live and breathe individuality. The new collection brings a rugged wearability to the latest denim line from Ralph Lauren. Navajo and nautical influences add an authentic sensibility and lived-in feel to distressed jeans, faded T-shirts and deconstructed outerwear. Shirt £85, urbanout fitters.com
£85, visit eastpak.com/uk-en
116 l loaded.co.uk
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Christys hat Straw trilbies are essential holiday fodder, luckily this nifty little number is made to be folded up, popped into your case before pinging back to life when you unfold it. They must have used their heads to invent that one. BOOM BOOM. £35, christys-hats.com
Energie T-shirts For their AW12 collection, Italian menswear brand Energie has a new campaign “Make Noise” fronted by UK band Rubber Kiss Goodbye. The collection presents a mix of black and white urbanstyle graphic T-shirts and denim synonymous with the British indie scene style. From £36, www.energie.it
Wrangler tee
style
You may have noticed this summer has been one of rain, rain and more rain so it seems odd that the shirt of the season is the Hawaiian. Hedge your bets and don’t look like a complete dick in this one from Wrangler. The more subtle print looks less fancy dress than others and the cotton linen mix will keep you fresh if we luck out with an Indian summer. Fingers crossed. Prices vary, wrangler-europe.com
Nautica collection Never heard of Nautica before? Neither had we but these Yankie manufacturers claim to incorporate ‘American costal style’, whatever that means. Yes it’s a little bit too safe for some, but these simple yet stylish designs at a reasonable price means you’ll survive a night out without getting rinsed. Prices vary, nautica.com. loaded.co.uk l 117
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loaded style fix up look sharp Cool stuff to spend your hard-earned cash on
FASHION’S EDbIeTstObuRy
Fat Willy’s x Blood Brother T-shirts loaded had many a great holiday in the Torquay region as a youngster. We chilled on the beach and, like many others, rocked a Fat Willy’s tee. When our most trusted graphic T-Shirt label Blood Brother decided to collaborate with the forgotten brand, we were dubious but our nostalgia alone has decided this is perfect get up to enjoy the last of the summer sun. From £35-£40 fatwillyssurfshack.co.uk
Weekend Offender The lads at Weekend Offender have created a new collection for this autumn (it’s coming along soon, don’t you know) going by the name of ‘Category A’, which sees the brand progress and mature using high-quality fabrics and top manufacturing. Chunky fair-aisle knits and heavy coated cagoules will see you looking dapper from head to toe on the terraces. Knitwear from £37, weekendoffender.com
French Connection Bag Off on holiday? Be the king of the airport with this bad boy chucked over your shoulder. Girls love a bloke with decent luggage. £105, frenchconnection.com
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Fly 53 jacket Let’s face it, summer has been a wash out, now is quite a sensible time to invest in something with a hood, and this jacket from Fly53 will do nicely. Just take it down when it’s not raining, unless you fancy an asbo. £110, fly53.com
Oliver Sweeny Shoe These shoes from British designer Oliver Sweeny will look perfect paired with a pair of chinos for a summer wedding. Built around their unique Anatomical Last – which apparently mimics as accurately as possible the profile of the human foot – these won’t blister your feet to buggery when you inevitably chuck out some shapes at the end of the day. oliversweeny.com £199
Burton formal wear
The high street is great for churning out fashion for a conservative budget, but sometimes when an item requires longevity it’s worth spending a little more. A prime example of this would be the T-shirt and no one is doing a better one than Jigsaw. Recently re-launching its menswear arm, the unfussy design principles are offering something new to the ever-growing amount of menswear brands out there. It may seem pricey, but it’s worth it. Promise. £39 jigsaw-online.com
High street suits are notoriously difficult to get right, so Burton have made it easy for you by dividing them into into three categories for different body types. You can even sit on your arse and order it from the comfort of your own home. That’s smart looking, and thinking. Jacket £89 Shirt, £18, burton.co.uk
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Jigsaw T-shirt
Lacoste polo colab For AW 12, LACOSTE L!VE invited American illustrator Micah Lidberg to collaborate on a capsule line of clothing, bags and footwear. There are four crazy polos (much like his drawings), we particularly like this one covered in those pesky sand worms from Beetlejuice. Price tba, shop-uk.lacoste.com
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loaded watches Don’t be the idiot who uses his iPhone to tell the time, use these nifty silver timepieces instead
Omega Seamaster Perfect for any nautical nutters out there, this range was so cool that there were limitededition James Bond versions produced. £1,500
Breitling Navitimer Launched when our Queen first took to the thrown, 60 years on they’re both going strong. Ladies will love it. £4,500, breitling.com
Casio Edifice Wave Ceptor As the name suggests, this watch is for a true gent. So if you happen to know one, recommend this to them. It’s packed with cool features (including being solar powered) and has bold, commanding style. £500, casio.co.uk
TAG Heuer Aquaracer
Bulgari Diagono Chrono What happens when Italian and Swiss people combine? This is the reason why we have this suave, steel beauty. £4,450, Visit en.bulgari. com for more
Whatever happened to classic, simply-designed watches that were really good at their principal job of telling the time? Well, here’s one. This watch is how we like our women – bullshit free and with a really nice face. £995, tagheuer.com
Omega Speedmaster
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It’s (apparently) been to the moon so if it’s okay for NASA, it will probably be good enough for you. Unless you’re Becks. £2,000, omega watches.com
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loaded grooming GROOMING@LOADED.CO.UK
From greasy top to crusty toe, we have everything you need to look dapper
Hair
Muscles
However slick your cowlick, it’s gonna need some help. With Fudge’s new Hair Shaper, you just need a smidgen on the fingertips. Work it through the roots for shape to rival Elvis’. £11.95, fudge.com
What better excuse for her to rub your tender bits? That’s crass isn’t it, we apologise. Anyway, Champneys Cooling Muscle Rub unties body knots and soothes sprains. Michael Dawson and Jermain Defoe are said to be fans, so we’re sold. If famous people like it, it must be good. £10, champneys.com and boots.com
Face
Chin The Braun Shaver Series 3-390cc with Clean & Renew System is cutty enough for beardy weirdy country bumpkins that store nuts and feathers in their bristles, yet gentle enough for super-smooth urbanites with scary chiseled faces. It has a slim handle for better grip (perfect for your dainty phalanges) and a slider on the back with a 90degree angle for better control and handling. £179.99, braun.com/uk
It doesn’t matter how old you are – your debauched, horrible lifestyle guarantees that sometimes, parties of blackheads will invade your face. Massage a small amount of this Clarins Men 2-in-1 Exfoliating Cleanser onto damp skin, lather up and feel the gritty bits clearing out your crap-filled pores. This product will significantly reduce the likelihood of you developing pizza-face. £20, clarins.co.uk
GROOMING
EDITED BY CHERYL CARTER
EDbIeTsOt bRuy’S
Hands
Body
Chest
Not convinced you need a hand cream? Your crispy, blistering, chapped-to-fuck fingers beg to differ. Aubrey comes in handy mini sizes and six variations, from no-nonsense Unscented (manly), to Collagen & Almond with moisture-rich organic almond oil. No, you can’t eat it. £5.99, aubreyorganicsuk.co.uk
What’s the point of looking great but smelling like dead fish? Boss Bottled Sport is a new fragrance that’s fresh without being fruity. It’s also unmistakably masculine which is good, because we really have something to prove. 30ml, £29, 100ml, £49, hugoboss.com
Scared of the ladies in the sunbed shop? Too cheap even for Benidorm? Xen-Tan Face Tanner will help you look less like a milk bottle, on your mug, at least. We like the natural colour because it doesn’t smell of pink or make us look like streaky back bacon. £19.99, xen-tan.co.uk loaded.co.uk l 121
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conor maynard T-Shirt by Urban Outfitters Jacket by Cheap Monday Snapback by Starter
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conor maynard Words ben duffy Photography tom barnes Styling BELLA ROX
P
ull-a-pig nights, BangBerry, booze, cars, hanging with Pharrell… The UK’s Justin Bieber? loaded doesn’t think so. Forget what you’ve heard about new pop sensation Conor Maynard – here’s a side to the singer that will have mums locking up their daughters.
The morning after putting the final touches to his debut album Contrast, the Brighton-born lad turns up at a curry house to prove he is no pop pushover. Digging into a vindaloo and swigging a pint at 11:30am, Conor felt right at home as he revealed his party side. “Me and my mates have had some mad nights out. One time, we all went out on the pull and ended up all leaving the club with girls who had boyfriends. Things have kind of changed in terms of going out with my mates and playing ‘pull a pig’. Now, you get to hit crazy events with loads of celebrities and you get to meet loads of different people. I still prefer going out in Brighton with my mates at the clubs I know like Geisha, Coalition and Tube, though.” The 19-year-old’s rise to fame has been quick. Over the past three years, he has been posting videos on YouTube filmed in his bedroom that have since received over 100 million hits. He is now being launched in the US and has already made friends with the likes of Pharrell Williams and NeYo. But despite his instant success, Conor is still adamant that he is just the same person he would be without the music – just like any other
teenager enjoying his youth. And with some rather honest revelations about his social life, that’s precisely what comes across. While most in his position are kept under lock and key, Conor wants to be in control and is not ashamed of any decision he’s made in the past. “I mean, being with my mates at 19, I’ve gone through my period of getting into trouble with my friends. Casually, every now and then, I was getting a bit too drunk.” Conor is also not afraid to talk about his love of the ladies, and living in his own flat in West London has no-doubt helped the young Casanova. “I call my house the love castle,” he says. “It’s my second flat though – I had to move house because fans found out where I lived and were banging on the door and putting notes through the letterbox with their BBM pins on. It’s crazy the attention I’m getting but I love it. I have an iPhone, but then I have my BangBerry for the girls. My mates still treat me as normal, they don’t see me as Conor Maynard – they see me as Condom Maynard because I always try and pull when I’m out.” He may have to change his philosophy as the attention grows, but even during the interview he is laughing and thoroughly enjoying every moment of his new-found fame.
style
Britain’s answer to Justin Bieber has manned-up. loaded goes for a vindaloo and a pint with pop’s lady-loving, beer-swigging, hell-raising teenager Conor Maynard
moving up, moving out
Conor jokes that he finally knew he’d made it when he received a Nando’s Black Card. “That is laddish isn’t it? All I had to do was a couple of online things and an appearance and they gave me a card. Well worth it.” But Conor’s life is rapidly changing from nights out in Brighton and Nando’s, to hanging out with some of the biggest names in the music world, including a slightly drunk Lil Wayne. “I was recording
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micky flanagan conor maynard a few of the tracks with Pharrell in Miami and then we went out to one of the clubs there when we had finished. I didn’t really get to speak to him but he’s really short. Like, really, really short. I was standing next to him and I was like ‘OMG’. But he is like, one of the coolest fucking people in the world. He’s got glow-in-the-dark tattoos, that’s pretty sick. Just a couple of nights ago I was at an event and David Guetta and Ne-Yo were there and we were just hanging out, talking about future projects and having a laugh.” At the age of 18, Conor left his home in Brighton where he lived with his mum, dad, sister and brother to progress in his music career. As he finishes his second pint, he jokes that he will have to slow down as he is already topping up from the night before and has a photoshoot later with a teen mag. Smashing his hand through a pile of poppadoms, laughing at how quickly things have happened for him and the prospect of making it big in America, he is just like any other teen. “My mum still picked up all my dirty clothes before I moved out. Moving out is tough. Seriously, my house is fucked, like a bomb’s hit it, it’s mad.”
Shirt by River Island Hoody by ASOS Jacket by Topman Cap by Starter Watch by Swatch Hi-tops by Nike available at Schuh
women, rides and er, bieber
Listening to Conor talk is refreshing. Despite his ever-growing success (not to mention his wallet), he has yet to make any big purchases, though he has got his eye on a new car. “I think my dream car was always a Lamborghini. I still have my first car, a Vauxhall Corsa. It’s been keyed four times, but then again, it was keyed before I got it. That was probably why it was only £400.” He may have made it the same way, have the same squeaky-clean look and the same female following, but Conor insists that that’s where the Justin Bieber likeness end. “Obviously people make comparisons and it’s all there. I think it’s more that I’m young so people compare me to Bieber, but I’m not really like him – I’m British, I’m older and the music has more of a mature feel. I prefer people like Frank Ocean. I’ve got a track with him and there’s a bit at the beginning where it’s like, about a porn magazine – not very Bieber.” Conor has developed a bit of a crush on one of the other breakthrough acts, Rita Ora. “Rita is on the album and I have to say, working in the studio with her was great. Rob Kardashian is her boyfriend so yeah, I’ll have to get him out the way first. Or, I could try and get hold of his sister. But then I’d have to get Kanye out the way which wouldn’t be easy... I’ll just try and make it happen.” n loaded Conor Maynard’s new album Contrast is out July 30 on EMI.
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T-shirt by American Apparel Jacket by Addict
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conor maynard T-shirt by American Apparel Jacket by Starter
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“MY MATES CALL ME CONDOM MAYNARD BECAUSE I ALWAYS TRY AND PULL WHEN I’M OUT”
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loaded for men who should know better
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style Brown design by Dune, £45
flop n flip Brow aints, £35 S ll A
s by flip flop Stripey as, £24.99 n ia a v Ha
Face flop
PHOTOGRAPHY: DAVID MARQUEZ PIC: NATHAN GALLAGHER
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Yes, you could wear these on your feet, or you could dress them up. Your choice
Shade so by Be f brown rtie, £ 35
ops by Spotty flip fl £18.99 O’Neil,
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Star towel by Matalan, ÂŁ10
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towels Red design by Quicksilver £26.99
Anchor print by Matalan, £10,
Reclaim the beach style
Save your spot on the sand with our pick of the best stylish summer towels (stunning brunette girlfriend not included)
STYLING BY LUCAS ARMITAGE MODEL SABINE PHOTOGRAPHY BY DAVID MARQUEZ
Sunglasses by BHS, £10
Orange towel by Havaianas, £35
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last night a dj was divine the caribbean Words BEN DUFFY Photography james cheadle
Forget Ibiza. This summer’s hottest DJ says it’s time to head to the Caribbean to mix partying with all-inclusive grub and relaxation
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ibiza vs the caribbean
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“I’m at the top of my game”
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M
ove over Ibiza, the Caribbean is set to become the top destination for clubbers and DJs across the globe. Take the euphoria of Ibiza and mix it with the picturesque scenes of the Caribbean and you have Groove Fest – set up to combine this heavenly island with the chaos and fun of the clubbing capital. Sam Divine is one of the hottest DJ’s in the world right now, and is playing at the event in the Dominican Republic, which is set to change the dynamics of the clubbing holiday. “This is the first time that I’ve ever heard of anything where it’s all inclusive,” she tells loaded. “It’s literally Paradise. The line-up that they have got is incredible and the whole idea behind it is that it’s the first time anyone has tried anything like this.” Jamie Jones, Kenny Dope, The Martinez Brothers and Sam will be at the event in September, which is being billed as the ultimate clubbing experience. “Ibiza is always going to be the place for DJ’s,” she adds. “It’s an island that is just dedicated to house music – but this is something that will one day rival it.” Sam, 30, is one of the most highlyrespected DJ’s in the industry and has a Saturday night residency at one of Ibiza’s top clubs, Ushuaia. Alongside the likes of David Guetta and Swedish House Mafia, Sam has used her talent and not sex appeal to win over the crowd and top label Defected. “I don’t want to perceive myself as just a female DJ, I’m an artist and just want to be respected for being good. It was my five-year goal to be signed to Defected. And I did it in three years without knowing anyone. Everything I have achieved, I have done because I made it happen myself.”
yacht parties
The sassy blonde is proud of her career, and knows that she has to keep producing night after night to compete with her bigname male rivals. “I never flaunted it or anything like that, I have earned the respect of people. I still have such a hunger for it all. I’m at the top of my game now.” After moving to live in London in 2005 from the South West, Sam’s second home is now Ibiza where she spends 18-weeks of the year. “I worked four seasons from 2005, doing free gigs everywhere just to get my name out there and by the end of that season, I got a residency. I was signed to Defected in 2008 where I was doing warmups for all my favourite DJ’s. A year later I went back and I was running Pacha for the company on a Saturday night. Last week was a standard week for the DJ as she jetted around Europe to perform. “I was in Cyprus, then a yacht party in Turkey, then a club there, before a nightmare 16-hour journey to Ibiza on the Saturday. I landed at 9pm and was on the decks at 10pm. I did my make up in the car, burned all my tracks on the plane. It was hard work, but it was also one of the most
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amazing gigs I’ve ever done.” The hours of backbreaking self promotion helped her make it, but for those who want to follow in her footstep, putting your mixes on the internet is the only way to get noticed in her opinion. “Everything is done online now, so that’s the only real way that people can get into it. It’s been scary, nobody knows you, nobody knows your sounds and it’s so easy nowadays because you can just hit sync and play so standing out is hard. I’ve always played deep soulful house. Sam though, thinks that the best DJs improvise and understand that every audience is different. “You have to vibe off the crowd,” she tells loaded passionately. “You decide what’s best at the time, the best DJ’s are the
ones who can read the crowd and play to them. You have to be clever enough to switch it up – that’s what separates the good from the shit.” For the girl that has played nearly every nightclub and partied all over the island, she also had some tips for people going out there this year: take it easy! “It’s a marathon not a sprint,” she jokes. “The amount of people that I see go out there are just dying after the first night is crazy. I would say that people need to get away from San Antonio and Playa Dem Bosa in the day and head over to Formentera.” Good advice, now if only we could persuade her to be our tour guide. n loaded Visit groovefestevents.com to get involved, prices start at just £350! Plus check out loaded holidays on page44.
13/7/12 10:35:56
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NOT JUST FOR SECRET AGENTS BIO-SYNERGY SPORTS PERFORMANCE RANGE
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In Cinemas 13th August 2012 www.thebournelegacy.co.uk Terms and conditions available on the website. Closing date for entries 30/09/12 The first prize winner will be the first winner picked at random from the draw on 01/10/12. © 2012 Universal Pictures. All Rights Reserved.
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ibiza vs the caribbean
ibiza Words sam rowe Photography ian dewsbury
Spiked drinks, drug boats and girls wielding rubber genitals, loaded spends one night in Ibiza with Boy George (no, not like that)
‘‘N
o, no photos. I didn’t order any press, I want to go. Now.” Boy George isn’t a happy bunny. The one-time New Romantic, creator of camp classics like Karma Chameleon and Do You Really Want To Hurt Me? has just stepped off an EasyJet flight in San Antonio, Ibiza and is hours from dazzling thousands of sozzled ravers at one of the island’s many superclubs – Amnesia. For a man who couldn’t get out of the papers a few years ago (being jailed for falsely imprisoning a male escort in his East London flat in 2009), he’s doing a pretty good job of going incognito. Wearing joggers and a black T-shirt with his face hidden under sunglasses and cap, he looks like just another middle-aged waster reclaiming their youth at the world’s clubbing capital.
But though George looks entirely unrecognizable from the long-haired, smokyeyed cross-dressing enigma of the 1980’s, we’re expecting him. It’s just a shame the feeling’s not mutual, as he’s not exactly pleased to see us. “What? They’re not coming with us. I didn’t know we were responsible for them,” he rants to the Amnesia press people in arrivals, not aware that we’re approximately four feet away, giggling. Eventually clocking us, he sheepishly apologises, promises to meet us for dinner before escaping into a people carrier and buggering off into the setting sun. Well, it was never going to be a walk in the park now, was it?
10:30pm
“I was spiked, really badly spiked, at 4:30 in the morning. I was gurning my face off like, ‘Why is this happening?’” Sat around a swanky Spanish restaurant at Boy George’s hotel, loaded is getting the loaded.co.uk l 139
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inside track to a side of DJing the likes of Deadmau5 wouldn’t dare squeak of. But it’s not from Boy, who’s four years clean, but Marc Vedo, his manager and fellow DJ. “[I was] DJing, properly off my head. I was spiked by my friends,” Marc tells loaded, as we tuck into an ostrich burger with the grace of a rabid lion (half 10’s quite late for dinner where we come from). “My friends kept buying me drinks and putting MDMA in it. I was enjoying my set and suddenly out of nowhere I started sweating loads. And then it started getting blurry and I was like, ‘This drink is really strong’. And then my jaw starts to go. I looked down and they were all laughing.” It doesn’t take a genius to work out that Ibiza has a fairly bustling drugs culture (it’s a simple
science – where there be ravers, there be drugs). But given that Ibiza is an island, we’re keen to know just how the substances land on these shores in the first place. “This is an island, not far off Africa’s coastline and it’s in the middle of the Med,” explains Marc. “Massive boats come in and out all the time going to Greece and Turkey’s different ports. They [drugs] come in from everywhere. I’m sure the Dutch bring a lot, I’m sure the English bring a lot. All the lookie lookies bring a lot.” Anyone who’s taken a holiday anywhere from Tenerife to Malia will be familiar with the ‘lookie lookie’ – African street sellers that flog shades by day, and by night… “Glasses, cocaine, speed… Ray Bans, prostitutes,” says Marc.
11:00pm
These days it’s even easier to get spangled on narcotics as the drugs are actually cheaper than the booze in Ibiza. But one man who’ll not be sampling either tonight is Boy George – now much calmer – gracing us with his presence before, “Getting my drag on” ahead of tonight’s set at Amnesia. “There are sometimes when you look at people that you think, ‘Oh my fucking God, you really need to go to hospital, you look really unwell,’” says George with a cackle on the recreational portion of the Ibiza crowd. As the beer and olives flow at the table, Boy sips on bottled water, looking more football hooligan than gay icon, with a variety of skull tattoos peeking out from beneath his greying, slicked-back hair. Now a widely-respected DJ around the globe, Boy George has been playing shows in Ibiza pretty much every year since 1987. Not that he’d remember some of the earlier years mind, given that he wasn’t just spinning tunes for the addled, being a chronic caner himself. “I feel more professional… and less sweaty, now,”
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ibiza vs the caribbean
given a polite hug. With crowd numbers throbbing, George strides up to the decks with his 21st century equivalent of a bag of records – a memory stick. So, what’s on the playlist tonight? “You’ve got to be true to yourself and play things that you like – I’m not a jukebox,” says Boy – or at least we think he does, as the pounding music reaches canine levels. “But at the same time, if there’s alopecia on the dance floor you need to sort it out, you need to have tricks up your sleeve. But it’s not like, ‘Oh quick, I’ll put on Coldplay’ – that’s never gonna happen.”
3:15am laughs George about DJing sober. “I suppose it was fun but I just think, sometimes you see people and you think, ‘Oh my God you really are not having a great time.’ I’m more involved in what I do now, and the DJing thing is so unpredictable you have to be slightly more flexible.”
1:00am
After a couple of espresso chasers, we leave George with his lippy and are whisked to Amnesia with Marc, who actually sprints from the car into the club as we’re seconds from the start of his set. Given that it’s his and George’s first night on the decks at Amnesia ahead of a summer-long residency, it’s probably not the greatest idea to be late. Stepping inside the dark, sweaty folds of the club, the scene is reminiscent of the acid trip of a sex addict. Smoke cascades from the ceiling as the Kama Sutra is acted out on huge screens by bright red, lava lamp figures – covering every position from ‘The Pearl’ to ‘The Crab’ via ‘The Butterfly’. Dancers girate on platforms that flank every nook of the dancefloor, wearing nothing but thongs, sequins and a smile, while two girls writhe on a huge raised bed, brandishing a rather sizeable rubber penis. We wonder if our drink has been spiked – but with a sex drug. The crowd obey every request from Marc, raising their hands and clapping on command like bleary-eyed zombies, as he spins digital vinyl on his new-age turntables. Looking out to the flailing crowd from the DJ booth, loaded has absolutely no idea who’s on drugs, who’s drunk and who’s just happy to be out of the house and surrounded by erotic dancers. It’s quite the clusterfuck for the brain to comprehend, and we start to get a headache.
2:15am
Boy George is in the building, looking a whole lot more ‘pretty’ than when we saw him last, sporting a sparkly black shirt, sequin hat complete with devil horns and posing for pictures with a never-ending line of queens, house lovers and one 60-odd year-old bloke who refuses to let go when
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It takes a lot to upstage Boy George, but as the camp crooner blares out thumping house from the DJ booth, the scene unfolding in front of him makes him look more like a stuffy, white-collar worker than one of the biggest celebrities of the 80s. A hairy Geisha-looking man with mutton chops and a pimp stick strides the booth and girates his posterior a tad too close to loaded’s face for our liking, while a seven-foot stilt walking drag queen with a large ring through his/her nose, hair like a red, camp scorpion dances next to a worried-looking Boy. Over on the giant bed, a guy with a giant beard wears a giant playing card (Queen of Hearts, we reckon), while two burlesque dancers haul a punter between the sheets with the intention of stripping him bare and embarrassing him. They probably didn’t expect he would be an utter exhibitionist and start grinding right back.
4:00am
As Boy George leaves the DJ booth, the baying punters are screaming for more, almost frothing at the mouth. We can only assume that’s out of excitement, and not a dodgy batch of something. Boy’s not keen to find out, as he and Marc are quick to head for the exit. Begrudgingly posing for the obligatory camera phone snaps, George gives us a knowing look that seems to say, ‘Get me away from these chuffing lunatics, I want to hide under my cap, sunnies and talk about the football’. “Some people love attention. Whereas I actually don’t, I really mean it,” George says, after. “I’ve always wanted fame to be something you switch off. It’s a lot easier to be friendly than it is to be moody, it’s a lot quicker. It’s so time consuming being a drama queen, trust me – I tried it.” We stop short of asking how hard he found it being a bit of a dick earlier, and instead chuckle at the irony of Boy ‘No Pictures’ George being kept from his room by a legion of house loving, pill-chomping fans. Still, there’s always next week. Who knows, George might just come in a low-key flatcap and novelty sunglasses from a lookie lookie man. Just beware of the cocaine, speed and prostitutes Boy, you’ve been there before and that sort of fame you really can’t switch off… n loaded Boy George and Marc Vedo play La Troya at Amnesia every Wednesday this summer. Visit latroyaibiza.com
13/7/12 11:40:30
loaded
a G l a b o l G t a
I
Words JASPER TAYLOR
f you haven’t heard of GlobalGathering, we pity you. Stop reading, and join us in pitying your paltry existence. Now continue reading, and learn about one of the best electronic music festivals in the world.
GlobalGathering started in 2001 and soon established itself as one of the hottest festivals in England. Since then, the capacity’s doubled to 50,000 and sells out every year. It’s a worldwide brand too, spreading to Russia, Korea, Belarus Poland and Ukraine. Told you it was a big deal. The festival has won the gong of Best UK Festival for the last two years in the DJ Magazine Awards and is the best thing to happen to StratfordUpon-Avon since some geezer called Shakespeare.
Held in the last weekend of July, it somehow manages to pack an orgy of sublime electronic talent into just two days. The decision of whether to go or not is easy; the decision of who to watch and who to miss out on will have you sobbing like a baby in the nearest Portaloo. Although, you’d be forgiven for walking into the festival, strolling to the main stage and pissing in a circle to mark your territory for the entire duration. Multi-Brit award winner Tinie Tempah headlines on the Friday, and the English rapper’s emphatic festival performances saw him win Best Breakthrough Artist in 2010 in the UK Festival Awards. And while you’re waiting for him, such treats as Afrojack, Maverick Sabre and Dot Rotten will keep you sufficiently entertained.
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g n i r e G ath
features
with loaded joins forcesce al 2012’s biggest dan festiv
What a difference a year makes for Global favourite Netsky. This year, he’s headlining and is one of the biggest names of the weekend with his new live band. The main stage’s high-octane, relentlessly good sound carries on the next day too, with Friendly Fires, Labrinth and DJ Fresh presenting his new bass-bopping Fresh/Live experience. Wrapping up the weekend, Chase & Status will make their long-awaited debut on the biggest stage. The electronic duo are used to selling out huge arenas and will bring an all-new live show with a host of special guests. Their iconic, heavy basslines and grime beats will send you nuts. Head protection advised. If you do feel brave enough to leave your main stage spot, you’ll find yourself rewarded with a mix of fresh talent and established acts smashing out some of the biggest beats in the electronic dance scene. Bouncing crowds, heavy bass and some amazing light shows
‘It’s such an incredible dancing stage. It’ll be interesting to see how the crowd responds cos the whole day is going to be DJ sets but we’re going to play the live band,” says Netsky. “There’re some crazy groupies at the festival – sometimes it gets a little creepy. People find out what hotels DJs are staying at. You wake up at like, 3am and see a random, sweaty fan standing right there.” The Belgian
DJ admits he’s got a bit of a crazy side when he’s at festivals too. “I was in New Zealand two years ago and I met a pilot at a festival. He flew me back to Auckland afterwards and let me hold the steering wheel for about three minutes. I wasn’t in a state where I could even drive a car or a bike so that was a bit crazy. I’ve dressed up as a woman at a festival, too.” Fair one. loaded.co.uk l 143
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await you as you sweat out the last of your alcohol before promptly topping up again. We’d recommend you catch internationallyacclaimed Skrillex, who’ll be showcasing his live concept The Skrillex Cell as he headlines the UKF Bass Culture arena. Just make sure you look after your drugged-up mate – he’ll be tripping out at the 3D projections of monsters, skeletons and robots all moving in spectacular time with his tidy beats. The arena will also play host to Zane Lowe, Jaguar Skills and special guest Andy C with his groundbreaking new show . One of the most popular DJs in the world first to Global, A State Of Trance, will host an arena that’ll be broadcast live to millions of listeners worldwide. He’ll welcome the likes of Markus Schulz, Aly & Fila and W&W to this innovative new concept. Speaking of popular, floppy-haired Belgian DJs, Netsky will be headlining the hospitality tent as he brings his new live show to its first festival before taking it on a European tour. This will surely be one of the highlights of the festival so get there fast, as the crowds will ram in to see this phenomenal performance. Fans of live drum and bass acts are going to be spoilt rotten too as Sub Focus, followed by Nero, will rip up the Metropolis and Digital Soundboy arena. Nero packed out their arena last year in their inaugral GlobalGathering, with a club-friendly hybrid of drum and bass, dubstep, house and trance. With Sub Focus’ new live show, Flux Pavilion and Modestep (Live) they’ll be more drops in this arena than in Scott Carson’s career highlights. There are too many decent acts to fit in here – and we haven’t even mentioned Magnetic Man, Ms Dynamite, Annie Mac, P Money, Jamie Jones or High Contrast! Jeez, loaded needs a lie down. But before we do, we’ll mention that as official partners of the festival, loaded will have their very own bus packed full of girls, gifts and festival fun. Make sure you come say hi. Most of the girls don’t bite... ■ loaded
Jaguar Skills smashed Global last year and the ninja DJ, with his mysterious mask that doubles up as a ‘bullshit shield’, is back again.
Festivals harbour bad memories for Jaguar. “My first time on the main stage, two songs in, the bass from the system shut down my laptop. I wanted to come out, blast them all with my new shit and the fucking thing shut down. That’s the worst that can happen cos what are you going to do, fucking tap dance?” Even if that happens to Jag again this year, we’d
DON’T MISS THESE KICK-ASS ACTS!
TINIE TEMPAH
CHASE & STATUS
SKRILLEX
Tinie will headline the main stage for the second year in a row. If you watch highlights of his performance last year, you can see why he was invited back. His hugely energetic stage presence, along with an incredible light show and firework display wowed the crowd. Not bad for a guy called Patrick. Hahaha. Patrick.
It could have gone one of two ways for Saul Milton (Chase) and Will Kennard (Status). The London boys were studying at uni when they met. They could have gone on to get sturdy jobs. Or they could have dropped out, pursued their musical dream, formed Chase & Status and propelled drum and bass into the world. Yeah, the second one.
Headlining the UKF Bass Culture tent and apparently kissing Ellie Goulding, this has been quite the year for Skrillex. His shaved head/flowing locks cause a slight headfuck but once you get over that, the dubby noises he pumps out will leave you feeling dirtier than a Paris Hilton one night stand… but twice as satisfied.
Main stage, Friday
Main stage, Saturday
Main stage, Friday
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globalgathering
WIN A MEGA PRIZE FOR PARTYING WITH US AT GLOBALGATHERING! I
f you’re going to GlobalGathering this year then you will find that there is an exciting new edition to the lineup! The loaded Bus! We’re going to bring all the fun of the mag to our own private area! We’ll have loaded girls in force there to entertain and boogie with you, loaded DJs spinning old-school tunes and the loaded bar to quench your thirst! We’ll have loads of mags with a souvenir cover to give away as well as a subscriptions offer which will let you get a year’s supply of loaded for a cut
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price and you will also get an exclusive loaded t-shirt. You’ll be given access to the loaded bus where you can relax upstairs with the girls and have a beer. To celebrate, we’re giving away a mega prize for one lucky loaded reader. Come join us in our area and give us your details and we’ll put you in the draw, sign you up for a subscription and give you ten more chances to win! The prize fund is over £2,000 and it must be given away at GlobalGathering. The awesome prizes are...
TWO VIP TICKETS TO GLOBALGATHERING 2013!
features
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advise you not to cross him, as he’s trained in martial arts. “There’s this thing called a goose neck – it’s a wrist lock. It’s agony, it’s horrible and it’s brilliant. My first job was a fishmonger at Tesco so I used to stink. I was taking a piss in the toilets and the fucking baker started to have a go at me so I just turned round and I did it.” Alright, he sounds mental, but Jag is definitely worth a watch.
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SANTA CRUZ DUFF PINTAIL BOARD Narrower at the end for easy downhill cruising, The Santa Cruz range of Simpsons boards is available with different iconic images that make them really stand out from the crowd. available at routeone.com
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BLUEBEARDS REVENGE SHAVING PRODUCTS Tough stubble seems to defy the attentions of every shaving product. The Bluebeards Revenge Shaving Cream, Brush and Mach3 Razor Gift Set should set that right.
DJ FRESH
Main stage, Saturday Fresh’s biggest two singles, Louder and Hot Right Now, both hit the top spot in the UK charts, with Louder being the first drum and bass single to reach number one. His forte is collabs with upcoming artists, propelling their careers (selfless), whilst shooting him to further fame (selfish). At Global, Fresh brings you his newest concept, Fresh/Live.
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KORG POCKET DEVICES These pretty much put a music studio in the palm of your hand. Make your own own track in minutes. Simple to use and really good fun, for professionals and novices alike.
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ARCHOS TABLET This G9 101 Turbo Tablet 10.1 is equipped with the latest Android 4.0 Ice Cream Sandwich. Specially designed and optimised for tablets, it gives you a full web experience for on-the-go web browsing. It also comes with tailor-made video and music apps bringing full HD video, more codec support, jackets and meta-data for your videos.
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KORG KAOSSILATOR 2 & MINI KAOSS PAD 2 Calvin Harris, Pete Tong, Labrinth and Gorillaz all love KORG but the new KAOSSILATOR 2 and Mini K-P PAD 2 make this technology accessible to all of us. And were giving away both!
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SKIN HEALTH SPA Skin Health Spa give you an ultimate facial pack to help
you detox after the festival! It treats lines and wrinkles (yep), acne scarring, pigmentation, rosacea, skin surfacing, pores, dead and tired-looking skin.
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TDK TWO-SPEAKER BOOMBOX Two powerful six-inch coaxial drivers deliver full range sound with a bold, retro look. An innovative equaliser gives your music a visual heartbeat, while touch-sensitive buttons give you simple and intuitive control. Digital data streaming allows premium audio decoding and playback while charging your Apple iPod and your iPhone.
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LOADED SUBSCRIPTION Finally and by no means leastly, you will also receive a year’s subscription to loaded magazine worth £30 – that’s a 45 per cent saving! Blimey.
COME AND SEE US TO HAVE A CHANCE TO WIN!! loaded.co.uk l145
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RADAR
M U S I C | F I L M | DV D | B O O K S | G A D G E TS | G A M E S | C LU B S
Your time is valuable, but make sure you save some of it for this lot MUSIC @ LOADED
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South London dubstep artist Benga on cracking the mainstream. The very best tracks out this month – the new albums from Bloc Party and Dot Rotten.
FILMS @ LOADED
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loaded look at their favourite bear as Ted comes to UK screens.
The Expendables are back – Stallone, Statham, Norris and Hemsworth kick ass.
DVDS @ LOADED
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It was one of the biggest movies of the last ten years. The Hunger Games is out to enjoy indoors. Boardwalk Empire Season 2 is out on DVD. Watch Buscemi control the streets of Atlantic City.
BOOKS @ LOADED
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The new thriller Safe House from Chris Ewan sees a motorcyclist think he’s gone mad after a crash.
GADGETS @ LOADED
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A miniature plane for just under 100 grand and the coolest suitcases for your summer holiday.
GAMES @ LOADED
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London 2012 and The Amazing Spider-Man hit the stands, but which one gets gold?
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We fly out to Ibiza and talk to one of the world’s best DJs to find out where the party is.
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MUSIC @ LOADED
THE BENGA BOY
FFER, LOADED NOT THE ARSENAL GA PIONEERED T CHATS TO THE MAN THA DUBSTEP IN BRITAIN
WORDS: HARRIET NOTTON
H
aving left the office feeling deflated that the coolest cat to come out of Croydon since Kate Moss, dubstep DJ Benga, hadn’t yet called, loaded was sparked into action when we got the go-ahead to have a quick chat while tucking into a cheeky American Hot at the nearby Pizza Express. The Radio 1 presenter – the only man known to sport an afro better than Afroman – was brought up in of one of Britain’s least attractive postcodes and describes himself as “a bit of a street rat.” Now though Adegbenga (as he’s known on formal occasions) has become one of the most sought-after dubstep MCs on the scene and boy does he know how to appeal to the masses. This bass-line junkie shot to fame after his single Katy On A Mission (in collaboration with Katy B) entered the charts at a prettyimpressive No. 5 and, along with the likes of Nero and Skrillex, he’s played an integral role in the transition of dubstep from an underground music scene to becoming as commercial as those Go Compare TV ads – a feat he’s pretty proud of. “If dubstep sounded like it did back in the day, it wouldn’t have taken off like it has,” he tells loaded pointedly. “Now I’m enjoying playing to crowds of 40,000, so cheers very much!” We catch up with him just as he’s finished his second – and what’s set to be his most successful – album Chapter 2, which he describes as “evolutionary and progressive”. “I didn’t think it would have a theme when I made it,” he explains. “But when people ask me what to expect from it, I think that shows I’m really moving forward”. With around 80,000 followers on Twitter, he’s definitely got his eye on the prize. We also get the low-down on Benga’s festival-filled summer, his drug and groupie’s policies and his admiration for Simon Cowell. No, really.
dubstep veteran
Despite having only achieved major chart success fairly recently in 2010, Benga is a veteran to the dubstep scene. Since releasing
“PEOPLE TAKE A LOT OF DRUGS AT FESTIVALS. EVERYONE DOES DRUGS NOW, DON’T THEY?” his first banger Skank, which he made at home on his PlayStation at the tender age of 15, he’s been a regular feature on popular dubstep record label Rinse’s compilations ever since. However it was the creation of Magnetic Man (a dubstep mega-group consisting of fellow hipsters Skream and Artwork) that led to Benga becoming a fully-fledged household name and being booked throughout the summer to play the biggest festivals in the UK. But which one’s his favourite? “Global Gathering is most definitely up there,” he explains. “I performed last year and it was one of my best shows yet”. He’s also done Parklife, T In The Park and Creamfields so far this summer – and that’s just his list of UK festivals. But what attracts all the revellers to these uber-cool festivals? Is it really Benga’s pumping bass line? Or is it just a good excuse for all those hardcore raving types to
pop their party pills in peace and dance like clowns until the small hours? loaded wonders what Benga makes of the ‘drugstep’ scene, does he dabble? “I love that question!” he laughs. “Listen, people take a lot of drugs when they’re at a festival enjoying themselves. Everyone does drugs these days, don’t they?” Enough said on that one then.
sex, drugs (hold the rock’n’roll)
More importantly though, what about groupies? Is he taking advantage of his up-andcoming status and getting more birds than Brand? “I’m 25-years-old so I can’t lie, I’ve had a fun time being a DJ,” he says, laughing. “But I’m just going to say this, I’ve thought to myself recently that I need to be a bit more selective. So these days I don’t leave with a different girl all the time. Well, not after every show at least.” On his Facebook account, Benga recently
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OTHER MUSIC OUT THIS MONTH
BLOC PARTY FOUR
Bloc Party are back with their latest offering, Four – and it’s been exactly four years since the release of their last album, Intimacy. This is their most accomplished album yet, hosting a wide range of tracks from metalinspired, head-banging anthems such as Kettling, to more mellow songs such as Day Four. With influences ranging from Radiohead to Joy Division with a sprinkling of Sonic Youth, this LP is destined for those who appreciate the finer indie in life.
Benga uses lights to enhance his shows
DOT ROTTEN VOICES IN MY HEAD
The big poser
No, not that granny off EastEnders who speaks like a goose suffering from terminal throat cancer. This is 23year-old British hip-hop artist Joseph Ellis’ debut album, containing more foul language than an after-hours episode of Jeremy Kyle. Song Overload is less rapping and more wailing while Underestimated is about being a loser that ends up on top. So when this disaster flops, he’ll look like a right tool then.
JOSH KUMRA HELICOPTERS AND PLANES
asked fans who they considered to be their greatest icons. Of course, people jumped on that boring bum-licking bandwagon with messages claiming that “Jesus had nothing on Benga” and “Benga is God”. But when faced with the question himself, Benga remained humble with his choice and opted for his big brother. In the music world though, he’s a huge Example fan, despite the North London pop star’s attempts at rapping being comparable to Ashley Young’s attempts at penalties – less hit and miss, more straight-up shit. “He’s got such a good sense of music,” he gushes. “The tunes he selects are always bangers.” He’s also one of the few dubstep DJs to include Simon Cowell as his musical guilty pleasure. “People either hate him or like him, they either
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MODESTEP EVOLUTION THEORY gravitate towards him or they’re scared of him and the truth. I like the truth, so I like him, he’s a character.” So, it’s the typical ‘from rags to riches’ story here. Benga’s getting laid, he’s getting paid and he’s putting Croydon behind him. Shame about Example though, we were beginning to think he was a bit of a dude. ■ loaded
This bass-heavy, electro band from London have already thrust tinnitus upon 50,000 fans with their blend of thick and fast guitar solos and floor-pumpin’ bassline at Parklife Fest in Manchester and Wireless in Hyde Park. Our favourite track would have to be Show Me A Sign. If the mental guitar sequences doesn’t stir you then the reverberating bass will. You’ll think you’re being exorcised by a dubstep demon.
reviews reviews
Working the crowd
Remember that Wretch 32 tune Don’t Go? Well Josh Kumra sang on that, he’s the brownhaired fella. He sounded pretty average, didn’t he? So what’s the album like? Pretty average. Average singing with dull guitar riffs. Helicopters And Planes is not bad, but only because it features aggressive rapping from top grime artist Koke. This LP then is the musical equivalent to Cash In The Attic: shite but passable if you’re ill and there’s nothing else on.
Benga’s single Pour Your Love is out August 20. His new LP, Chapter 2, is out October 29.
11/7/12 21:28:24
FILMS @ LOADED
TED
EMPLOYED A FILM ABOUT AN UN AR, WRITTEN POT-SMOKING TEDDY BE D STARRING AN BY SETH MACFA RLANE Y MORE? SA MILA KUNIS. NEED WE
WORDS: DAN BRIGHTMORE AND HARRIET NOTTON
“A
ll I do is smoke pot and watch movies with a teddy fuckin’ bear!” Imagine if your best mate was a foul-mouthed, pot-smoking teddy bear... Yeah... Anyway, Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane brings the belly laughs with an awesome blast of R-rated rudeness. Mark Wahlberg is the dude whose childhood wish came true. But now he’s all grown up and with hotter-than-thesun Mila Kunis (Meg Griffin in Family Guy, if you can believe it), it’s decision time. Will it be the bird or the bear?
“i fucked her with a parsnip”
Ted smokes a strain of weed called mindrape, pleasures his girlfriend with phallic-shaped vegetables and chills out with his bong, watching camp sci-fi classic Flash Gordon.
Sounds like our kind of bear. And he fights, too. The one-liners are pant-wettingly relentless as MacFarlane voices one of the funniest characters we’ve seen in donkey’s years, delivering un-PC laughs Sacha Baron Cohen would be proud of. Just like The Muppets, the fact that a stuffed toy is walking, talking and in Ted’s case, toking and joking, somehow seems perfectly normal as we learn he’s a “former celebrity in a minimum-wage job” who likes to party with off-duty hookers, play truth or dare and shit on the floor. A right royal chuckle-fest, Ted is lewd and crude and you’ll be quoting gags from this for weeks. In cinemas August 1st
“THE FACT THAT A STUFFED TOY IS TOKING AND JOKING SEEMS PERFECTLY NORMAL” 150 l loaded.co.uk
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OTHER FILMS THIS MONTH
DVDS @ LOADED
TAKE THIS WALTZ
Our favourite Canadian funnyman, Seth Rogen – “I love you so much I’m gonna put you through a meat grinder!” – is a chef whose missus, played by Michelle Williams, meets an enigmatic stranger on a business trip and faces choosing between her cuddly hubby or the cool cat across the street.
Out August 17
BOARDWALK EMPIRE
A DRAMA’S THIS 1920S BEAST OF ON STEROIDS LIKE DOWNTON ABBEY
When four fellas win a 12-match footy accumulator and land a multi-million jackpot, the ex-offenders get brutal as a bloodthirsty greed kicks in. Featuring death by nailgun and recycling machine, we learn through police interrogation and flashback how it all went Pete Tong.
Out August 10
PREVIEW
THE EXPENDABLES 2
With bigger cameos for action slaphead Bruce Willis, former Governator Arnold Schwarzenegger and the addition of martial arts lege Chuck Norris, this looks tasty. Van Damme is on baddie duties and it’s all about revenge as Barney’s boys gun for justice.
Out August 16
PREVIEW
THE BOURNE LEGACY
Where’s Matt Damon? Web rumour has it he’ll return for the Legacy follow-up. A guinea pig in chromosome research to create the ultimate spy, Jeremy Renner soon realises he’s an expendable pawn in a political game so goes rogue with scientist Rachel Weisz.
Previous to Boardwalk, period dramas were just our excuse to hurry down the pub for a swift pint: this broke the mould. Set in Atlantic City in the 1920s prohibition era, the show centres around Steve Buscemi’s character Enoch ‘Nucky’ Thompson. Enoch, a political figure who rose to prominence and controlled New Jersey in the 20s and 30s, is one bad-ass motherfucker. Season two begins with Jimmy, Eli and the Commodore’s persistent plot to take down the all-seeing, all-knowing Nucky. It continues with Van Alden’s family troubles – his wife finds out he’s been a bit naughty and got a girl babied up, and scarpers. Jimmy gets braver and braver in this season. He’s hanging round with powerful villains like Manny Horvitz and Arnold Rothstein and
OTHER DVDS COMING UP
CASINO JACK
Kevin Spacey plays a smooth-talking lobbyist who ran wild in the Bush years. Convicted of fraud, shit hits the fan. Not a movie to wind down to before bed. Out now
eventually plucks up the courage to carry out a murder. There’s a surprise blackmail marriage towards the end of the season and more violence than you can shake your face at. There’s an unbeatable season finale, too. Luckily for you wasters, you don’t have to have seen season one to keep up with the sequel. But please fellas, don’t be the figure of ridicule among your mates – don’t be the guy that hasn’t seen Boardwalk Empire. Take it from us – it’s the nuts. Those of you who didn’t get round to seeing season one, consider yourself judged. Boardwalk Empire is now available to pre-order online at amazon.co.uk, play.com & hmv.co.uk ahead of its release on September 3 from HBO Home Entertainment.
DVDS WE’RE SEXUALLY EXCITED FOR THIS MONTH
HUNGER GAMES
LOCKOUT
Out September 3rd
Out August 20th
In a post-apocalyptic future, people must participate in a televised annual event in which they fight to the death until till one victor remains.
reviews
JACKPOT
Guy Pearce is wrongly convicted of a crime and the only way to clear his name is to rescue the president’s daughter from a prison in space. Obviously.
Out August 13 loaded.co.uk l 151
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BOOKS @ LOADED SUPER, SMASHING IT, GREAT GAME
LOOK AT THE THIS MONTH, LOADED TAKE A THE BIGGEST BALLS NEWEST FOOTY BOOKS WITH
I
n case you haven’t noticed, it’s just round the corner. No, not the Olympics – the start of the new football season, and as far as we’re concerned, helping out with odd jobs around the house and long walks holding hands with the missus are off the menu for the next few months. For those of you that simply can’t wait, here’s our pick of the best new football reads about to hit the shelves.
A FULHAMISH TALE ‘DIDDY ’ DAVID HAMILTON
Compering for The Beatles and The Rolling Stones, appearing with Tommy Cooper and Benny Hill and being voted runner-up as the biggest turn-on on television in his ’80s heyday was all in a day’s work for Top Of The Pops legend ‘Diddy’ David Hamilton. But what he really yearned for was the chance to slip on the shirt of his beloved Fulham.
announcer. Yet his hilarious and affectionate odyssey from shattered dreams to Premiership survival resonates with anyone who has ever been treated like a lover and a jilted mistress in equal measure by their team. Packed with fantastic private pictures, this paean to Fulham groans with tales of George Best booze-ups, cup-ties on muddy battlefields and cheeky showbiz anecdotes, all washed down by the arrival of an Egyptian tycoon and an attempt to scale the European summit. Our diminutive hero even gets a crack at playing for England after Alan Mullery books the fabled 1966 squad for his testimonial match at Fulham. With two players unavailable, Diddy took his place alongside players such as Bobby Moore, Jack and Bobby Charlton and er, Jimmy Tarbuck. A Fulhamish Tale is available from ashwaterpress.co.uk for £19.90
“THIS GROANS WITH TALES OF GEORGE BEST BOOZE-UPS AND CHEEKY ANECDOTES”
WORDS: MATTHEW DRAKE, JASPER TAYLOR, HARRIET NOTTON
Long before the Jacko statue took root at Craven Cottage, Diddy suffered the pain of being a fanatic supporter, living just yards from the ground. The mic man with the silkiest patter in light entertainment still clings to his dreams now as the club’s popular match-day
Legend
SUPER TRAMP JOHN ROBERTSON Robertson gained the unkind nickname ‘Super Tramp’ due to his scruffy and unshaven appearance, but his list of footballing
Diddy or didn’t he?
achievements is anything but shabby. From his impressive career with Nottingham Forest to scoring the winning goal for Scotland in a match against England in the 1981, Robertson
Bally And Barts
Barts: “On my £80,000 a week in times like these, one has to be concerned about the effect of the financial gloom.”
Barts: “This Quantitative Easing lark’s the way forward.” Bally: “Er, crumbs.”
Barts: “I appear to be hemorrhaging! I’ve gone off the wall!” Bally: “Matron, the screens.”
Barts: I may need to tinker with my fiscal policy.” Bally: “Well, stay in your half.”
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Let’s hit the bar
OTHER BOOKS YOU SHOULD READ
SAFE HOUSE CHRIS EWAN
After his award-winning mystery series, A Good Thief’s Guide To… Ewan takes the fiction world by storm with his first standalone thriller, Safe House. Plumber, Rob Hale, wakes up in hospital after a motorcycle crash on the Isle Of Man. His first thoughts turn to the lovely Lena who he was riding with in the run-up to the accident. Or was he? Apparently, she doesn’t exist. DUN DUN DUN. He’s convinced he’s lost his mind, he’s paranoid that nobody believes him. Can he work with PI Rebecca Lewis to uncover the truth behind Lena’s fate and prove that he’s not a complete and utter basket case? This debut thriller makes for the perfect summer read. The plot quickens faster than Usain Bolt on speed and has more mystery and unanswered questions than an episode of Magnum. You’ll like it.
Out August 2nd
STEAL LIKE AN ARTIST AUSTIN KLEON
The English Premier League is often said to be the best in the world. We agree. But, we think this cos of the crunching tackles,WAGs and Balotelli. Yet it wasn’t always like this. It’s taken the top flight 19 seasons to evolve into the mega league we see now. Bose takes a forensic look in this insightful explanation of how the English game came to dominate the world – and was made to pay for it. Charting racism and hooligans in the old Division One highlights the big rebuild funded by a reported £304million TV deal with BSkyB. With the introduction of Fergie and the imminent influx of foreign talent, the Premier League asserted itself.
Out now
Out September
Out now
LONDON: FROM PUNK TO BLAIR JOE KERR & ANDREW GIBSON
If you’re one of those silly nosey bastards that likes to snoop around your mate’s house in order to find the dark dirt behind the nicely-polished furniture and made-up beds, then this book will blow your snooping little mind. While it won’t reveal the deep dark (probably shit) secrets of your mate’s house, this re-release of a classic noughties hardback will show you the gritty undercover aspects of our great capital city. It offers an awesome selection of essays and photos that take you on a journey from London in the 1970s to the present day.
reviews reviews
GAME CHANGER MIHIR BOSE
proved that not all footballers need cracking looks on their side to be successful. “Robertson was a very unattractive young man. If one day I felt a bit off-colour, I would sit next to him and feel like Errol Flynn,” Cloughie once joked, describing him as “the Picasso of our game”. In a 2005 poll, Robertson was voted the club’s greatest player of all time and joined former teammate Martin O’Neill when taking charge at Celtic, Aston Villa and Sunderland. In this no-holds-barred autobiography, Robertson talks in detail about moments of deep tragedy in his life, namely the death of his daughter and his brother. But, he also writes of the highs of his career, including scoring the winning goal for Forest against Hamburger SV in the 1980 European Cup Final.
Who wants to be taught how to be creative by a happily married writer who lives with his beloved dog Milo? Anyone? No. Still, for all you crazies out there, here’s what’s basically a book full of pictures. Kleon’s advice, in a nutshell, condones what we’ve all been doing anyway - drawing ideas from others’ work or “stealing” as he puts it. Other suggestions include “leave home”, “be nice” and “stay out of debt”. Patronising bastard. However, it’s not all bad. The pictures will distract you from his pathetic motivational one-liners and there’re cool quotes from artists like Bowie. It’s a short read, thank god. There are no shocking revelations or neverbeen-said tips – in fact, Kleon himself is the idea thief he urges us to be. Still, at least he’s practicing what he preaches.
Out now loaded.co.uk l 153
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GADGETS @ LOADED
GADGETS@LOADED.CO.UK
GADGETS CHECK OUT THESE TOP ICE TAG. PR WITH A PREMIERSHIP
ICON A5 AIRCRAFT
IT CAN LAND IN SPACES OF 750 FEET, WATER OR LAND AND HAS ITS OWN PARACHUTE
GADGET REVIEEWS BY PETER JENKINSON GAMES REVIEWS BY JASPER TAYLOR
S
o, some posh tool rocks up in his expensive four-wheel ride, Italian motif on the bonnet, perhaps even a soft-top or a chrome paint finish to make sure that these attempts to outdo everyone else are complete. But wait. A sound is heard in the distance, you roll up on the road in this 120mph beastie – after a short sports air pilot licence session, mind – then select from the gathered gaggle eager to see where they might be whisked off to. It can land in spaces of 750 feet, water or land, and has a parachute bail-out mechanism should your skills fail you mid-air, so the entire package drifts back to terra-firma without so much as a scratch. £90,000 at iconaircraft.com
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LEGO JABBA’S PALACE
In a galaxy far, far away, the fat green turd-shaped chap took Princess Leia hostage for what purpose no one knows, apart from a gratuitous bikini shot for boys of a certain age – thanks Mr Lucas. So Jabba the (c)Hunt is now immortalised in the Danish brick and this 717 piece set is going to look the business on your shelves once you’ve finished building it. So shift the books and other shit out the way, this is what those horizontal slats in your room were made for. £119.99 at smythstoys.com
Can it make a Cappafrappaskinnychino? No it cannot, because the only person who wants that, or some other quadruplebarrelled caffeine hit in the morning, are queue-building, bran muffin-munching buffoons who care little about the angry lines of punters they let build up behind them. This uber-smart machine makes fuck off good kickstarter at the touch of a fingertip, recognising your digit and delivering your order in no time. It’ll store six preferred brews for up to nine drinkers, just show it the finger and await delivery of the dark stuff. £1700 at Philips-shop.co.uk
13/7/12 00:50:27
SUITSUIT CASES
Stood at the carousel bleary eyed from a weekend away, you’ll have likely eyed another passenger’s sameylooking luggage holders as your own. This beauty lets you avoid altercations with a stand-out suitcase. Best of the collection is the boombox-a-like number that will have others eyeing it and impressed when you heave it from the airport merry-go-round. £116, bagsdirect.com
GAMES OUT THIS MONTH
CIRCUS WORLD Let’s be honest, we all had one girlfriend who broke up with us because of an addiction to Rollercoaster Tycoon. Well, bad news. You’re gonna be lonely again soon, as you build your own circus empire from scratch on this new PC game. Think Theme Park but with plenty more clowns...
TRUMSTAND
There are iPod docks aplenty using clever electronic wizardry to turn your smartphone sounds into earpleasing noises, but this one prefers perfect old-school curvage to deliver dubstep and deep bass and does even better. Resembling, something like a cross between an Oscar and a bent saxophone, it is the perfect answer to your bedroom music needs, or if you’re in need of a blunt object in the wake of a zombie uprising. It’s also as close to musical magic as you can get and just happens to look the dog’s undercarriage when sat in silence. £1599 from firebox.com
RONALDO FREESTYLE SOCCER Guess what? The greasy-haired, crybaby, Portuguese ponce has found yet another medium to show off. You get to ‘perform’ tricks as Ronaldo in a scarily-tight vest. loaded hope Messi will bring out a similar game, which we know would be tons better.
SLEEPING DOGS
Makers of BBQs have made few concessions to veggies or calorie counters – even the addition of a chopping board for purist carnivores already considered a step too far. This lot have taken their disdain for the health conscious to another level by adding a deep fat fryer letting you wow your gathered garden posse as you serve up onion rings and tempura. If you haven’t a garden, no bother, the included carry case lets you set up ‘rogue vendor’-style anywhere you please. £199 at bentpeg.co.uk
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The title conjures up the image of an 8-yearold girl grooming her dog on a pink Nintendo DS. However, please don’t give this to any 8-year-olds. It’s a violent world of crime in Hong Kong, as you infiltrate the Triad gang ‘Sun On Yee’. Think a Chinese GTA.
reviews
BLACKTOP 360 GRILL
NEW SUPER MARIO BROS 2 It’s that time of the year again. Nintendo are releasing yet more Mario and Luigi adventures, begging the question of when we’ll get bored of the same repetitive format of controlling a small Italian with a penchant for coins. You know the drill: complete each level and collect a million coins to ‘win’.
7/13/12 8:38:06 AM
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Diags from TOWIE with Sabine. The bastard.
STUDENTS ON THE SAUCE I
t’s not often that loaded gets all paternal while shitfaced on a Friday night in a student club, but the lovely Amii Grove has stirred something in us. She may on the surface be looking her usual stunning self, but it turns out the former Mrs Jermaine Pennant is tanked up on antibiotics fighting – what our drunk memory recalls – some kind of zombie virus. “My sinuses have been awful,” she complained. “I’m on four tablets a : H T day now N MOM and this E H T RU is my OF H E F O B T CLU first day back B R& at CE, IC:
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LOADED CLUB NIGHTS TEAMS UP WITH DIAGS FROM TOWIE. (WE DON’T KNOW WHO HE IS EITHER)
work.” It gets worse though, much worse. “On Sunday I’m watching the European Championship final with some bloke who won a date with me in a competition. I don’t even know who he is.” The thought of our Amii, poorly, having to spend Sunday afternoon with some Jeremy Kyle-watching wrong’un in his snot-stained caravan while tucking into a bowl of half-eaten ASDA Smart Price crisps makes us furious. But before we can put a loving arm around her and offer her the chance to watch the final with us, she is dragged off with Sabine to have her picture taken. If it hadn’t been for a WKD Head of Weekends bloke popping into the office to give us some limitededition WKD Club before we arrived, which got us nicely tipsy, we’d have left by now.
penned in
Welcome then readers to bizarre world of the loaded club night VIP area. A er, pen, where glamour girls are ill, the managing director’s children have somehow got themselves hideously drunk (careful – ed), and where a queue of women are patiently waiting for their chance to snog Joey
Essex’s mate Diags from TOWIE (You know Diags right? Of course you do. Tubby fella. From that ITV2 show. All right then, Google him). We’re here not to for our enjoyment, but to find a new girl to grace the pages of Britain’s favourite men’s magazine. And we’ve found one hell of a lady. Stunning Rosie Hart turned up to The Forum in Hertfordshire University after a few jars down the local pub dressed in just a T-shirt and jeans, and has beaten a selection of made up, bottle-blonde locals to the title. Her friend, who effectively acts as her agent, complains that the brunette beauty can’t go anywhere without attracting attention. “She’s gorgeous”, her mate tells loaded. “We have this everywhere we go, it’s a nightmare.”
roman emperor
After we leave our night’s winner, loaded dances to video DJ Betamax. Somebody who impressed everyone except our Brand Manager Lee. “What happened to all the guitar bands?” he moaned, as a group of students made out next to us. “There’s no tunes anymore, kids now don’t have a clue.” All of this leaves loaded feeling very old. Not only because we didn’t pull, again, but because our mate Diags is finishing the night with two glamorous girls grinding up to him before he, in a moment reminiscent of a Roman Emperor, gives a cheeky wink to the blonde who gets a snog while the brunette leaves, devastated. Still, at least he did buy us a drink. ■ loaded
“BEFORE WE CAN INVITE AMII OUT TO THE EURO 2012 FINAL, SHE WALKS AWAY” 13/7/12 03:20:12
loaded THE WINNERS THE WINNERS OF OUR BIG COMPETITION
The bemused look from the second from the left as we bring in Arnie the bulldog
THE FORUM HERTS
ROSIE HART
CLUBBING IN LOUGHBOROUGH
Doesn’t the middle one look like The joker? “We’re arresting you on suspision of possessing glowsticks...”
“It’s fun to stay in the Y M C A, it’s fun to stay in the..”
KAT WARREN
DUSK GUILDFORD
Classis ‘Zoolander’ pout there
AMY MASON
WITH THANKS Amii opens her heart to loaded
PICTURES: IAN DEWSBURY WORDS: ADAM THORN
UPPERS & DOWNERS KINGSTON AS A DIAGRAM
Diags leaves Drinks
Diags
Diags. Again
The taxi ride there
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DUSK GUILDFOR D
CLUBBING IN LOUGHBO ROUGH
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loaded agony uncle EMAIL YOUR PROBLEMS ULTIMATE.WARTO RI @LOADED.CO.U OR K
Your childhood hero is here for YOU
L
ast issue we revealed there was something of a crisis in the Warrior household. Steve, the Warrior’s loyal assistant, had ceased working with the WWE legend and had gone AWOL. Worse still, the accountants at loaded towers had paid the Warrior by putting money into his right-hand man’s account – meaning Mr. Warrior was out of pocket and fuming. It didn’t take long before the big man was in
touch. Hearing that his assistant had legged it with his money, he wanted evidence that the transaction went through. Leaving loaded with a moral dilemma - refuse to give it to him and lose him as our agony uncle or dish the dirt and take responsibility for Steve getting brutally assaulted – probably on the receiving end of a chokeslam or his finishing move, the Running Big Splash. But just a day before deadline, his loyal assistant gets in touch. Amazingly sounding chipper and in one piece, he informs us that he has returned to work for Mr Warrior “with immediate effect”. More next issue...
“I have a small willy”
Q
My er, willy isn’t exactly the biggest. It hasn’t been a problem but my latest girlfriend is demanding I wear a strap-on to satisfy her. I’m really loved up and don’t want to lose her. Should I just do it? Sam, via email Being endowed with a small penis is nothing to be embarrassed about. After all, it’s not like we get to choose what size we have. But your, “I’m really loved up” bollocks had me reeling on the floor. I mean, WTF, man? Having a small dick does not mean you have to go through your life thinking and acting with small balls, figuratively speaking. Surely you can’t be fucking serious about wanting to love a woman who does not love ALL of you, including your small dick? I’m afraid my Warrior crystal ball forebodes a bleak future for you if you don a big, plastic, made-in-china penis. It won’t be long (no pun intended) before your girlfriend wants to replace plastic with real and pulsating. And if you give into this hardcore reality, which your girlfriend will do everything to make you believe is okay, the last only choice you’ll have is whether you will be a cuckold who only watches, or a cuckold who cleans up other men’s mess.
“I love my mate’s dad”
Q
“I want to commit incest”
Q
I know it’s wrong, but at a party the other week I snogged my cousin. She’s really hot and we get on so well – I think she wants us to be in a relationship. The family will go mental when they find out, what should I do? Daniel, Newcastle My advice to is to start with this. Take responsibility for your own ideas and judgements. When you do things you think are wrong, nothing right ever comes of it. Of course, this hard-earned wisdom of mine might not compute for a male of your age. You are young, and your youth blood does not concentrate itself adequately in your head. Right now, you want things both ways. You want your cake and you want to fucking eat it, too. You want to fuck the shit out of that cake and you want the cake to get approval from your family. Tough call for me to make, to be honest with you. My head now has 53 years of life experience. It might be time for you to learn a lesson or two about not giving a fuck what others think, a vital virtue that will serve you well in years to come.
I’ve always been really comfortable with my sexuality, but recently I’ve started to have feelings for my best mate’s dad. It’s become a bit of an obsession and I really want to tell him how I feel. I know my friend will be upset but I can’t take it anymore. What’s the best way to approach the conversation? Jeremy, Blackpool Let’s see if I can be sensitive and politicallycorrect enough to hold on to this column for another month. I believe, Jeremy, that I understand your dilemma very clearly. Let’s see if I do. You’ve always been comfortable in your sexuality but for some unexplainable reason, now, you are unable to tell another man that you have uncontrollable, obsessive feelings to puff his peter? Oh, and snuggle a little bit afterwards. Did I get it right? Thought so. For starters, you need to accept the fact that not only are you not “really comfortable” with your sexuality – you’re not even comfortable being who you truly are. Work on that and it’s PRIDE, first. Getting comfortable with being the real you is much more important than getting laid. Once you’ve worked that out, approaching any conversation will be easy.
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