3 minute read
SmartHome 2022
by Barbara J. Petoskey
Killer Friday. Hope there’s beer in the fridge. At least with this upgraded security system, I don't have to hunt for keys. I stare into the unblinking red eye, and it stares back.
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Welcome home. Enter password.
“Open up. It’s me.” There is no Mi in my secure database. Please enter password.
“C’mon, open up.”
Don’t make me text the police. Enter password.
******
That password is incorrect. Enter password.
******
Wrong again. Enter password. I don’t have all day. “
What? You’re going somewhere?”
No, and neither are you. Enter password.
******
Now, was that so hard? Click. Welcome home.
“Thanks.”
For optimum security, try a stronger combination of letters, numbers, and symbols. Nobody likes a limp password.
Lights come on to trace my path from the foyer through the living room. Hey, I could get used to this. I toss my coat toward a chair and miss.
Do not leave garment there. Why do you think I have closets?
When I hang up my coat, the overhead light seems to wink approvingly. “Now about that beer …”
Refrigerator inventory documents no beer.
“I could swear I just bought beer.”
SmartFridge inventory guarantees 99.3% accuracy. Why would we lie to you?
“We? Never mind. Anything to drink?”
One open bottle of fruity wine-type beverage. CheckUrCheck balance indicates you could afford something with a cork.
“I’m starving here. What about food?”
Your crisper is functionally empty. Produce remaining more than ten days is removed from inventory.
Unidentifiable life form growing on large green tubular object.
“The neighbor had extra zucchini. She’s a nice lady, even if her dog is yappy.”
LawnAlert reports that it pees in your yard.
“It’s a small dog.”
With a large bladder. And you should hear what she says about you.
“Huh?”
Her baby monitor detected negative inflection in comments about your muffler.
“I got that fixed.”
Only after CarCare XL threatened to void your extended warranty.
“Forget that. Anything at all to eat?”
Sriracha sauce. Two Greek yogurts, sixteen and twenty-two days beyond expiration, respectively. Cheese-like substance in a tube. Noodle dish in carryout container, possibly Chinese or Thai.
“Hah! It’s Korean, from that little place around the corner from my office. Shows how much you know. What else?”
Open can of Spaghettios, tilapia filet.
“Got you again! That's mahi. I thought I might cook this weekend.”
You were taken. DNA testing finds one-third of seafood samples to be mislabeled. And don’t even think about consuming that packaged sushi. Average response time for 911 to this ZIP+four is 2.3 minutes above average.
The refrigerator door seems to open grudgingly. No pleasant surprises. And suddenly that uramaki looks decidedly hostile. I grab an open bag of Fritos from the cupboard and sit down in front of the TV.
Only 17% capacity remaining in your DVR queue. Do you really think you’ll ever catch up with Game of Thrones?
“I might.”
And I might be Downton Abbey. Your FitOrFat bracelet calculates that you need to reduce couch time by 22% to achieve acceptable BMI.
“At this rate, I’ll starve and take care of that problem.”
I’m just the messenger. According to TreadTrakker, you passed three grocery stores on your way home. “
Forget this. I’ll eat out.”
Your car is already 852 miles overdue for its next oil change.
“Fine! I’ll walk.” The metal hangers rattle as I snatch my coat back from the closet.
Take your umbrella. WeathrWundr predicts a 77% chance of rain before 8 PM.
“Like I’m so sweet I’m gonna melt?”
Probability of melting is 0%.
“Nobody likes a smart app.”
BARBARA’S work has been collected in books including The Best Contemporary Women's Humor, The Bride of Funnyside, and This Sporting Life. She has appeared in publications such as Cat Fancy, Writer’s Digest, Bostonia, and The Bloomsbury Review; and posted on the Higgs Weldon Comedy website.
