Fact or fiction

Negative earthly factors have co-mingled to birth a crucible of monetary sufferings. It’s all about stretching the sterling till it snaps now. Unless you’re rich, of course. Here are some interesting schemes internet-dwelling people have devised to keep afloat, along with one that’s been conjured up…

Don’t be a conformist! It’s the ‘normies’, the ‘sheeple’ who rigidly stick to the calendar. So (sort of) claim the authors of this tip: celebrate key events – such as Christmas, Halloween, St Valentine’s Day – the day after they traditionally occur.

Highstreet goods purveyors (shops) tend to try and offload their seasonal tat post-climax – which means there are bargains to be had for the willing delayist. As the old song goes, On the day after Valentine’s my true love gave to me, a box of half price teas.

Toilet paper: it’s not cheap and ends up in the sewer. However, is it a luxury we can do without? Yes, it is and, yes, we can, according to one web adviser: other paper forms do just as well – for example, junk mail, bills and old newspapers. Hmm. I’m all for recycling and saving money but this method strikes me as somewhat uncomfortable.

Of course, there are some antique jokes to be made about the, for instance, Daily Express and toilet paper substitution, but surely that’s the limit? Is it really possible to, ahem, clean up with the water bill and a glossy A3 Farmfoods pamphlet?

I may scoff now: this time next year I might be swearing by the paper chaste method.

Most of us bury our tired heads, containing our weary, hopeless minds into a pillow at bedtime. But I bet you’ve not given much thought as to what constitutes your soothing headnest? Peacock feathers? Some kind of putty? Cheese?

Whatever real pillows are filled with, one internet lunatic suggests stuffing your own – with the floor trimmings from your local hairdressers. Yes, reader, spent human hair, which the scriber of this tip calls “soft, free and biodegradable”, the golden trinity of the ethical saver.

I’m not an umbrella user (too cumbersome) so I’m not up on their typical retail price, but one particularly parsimonious tipster has shared a method for cut price acquisition of said rain barrier technology. Simply present yourself at your local library claiming to have left your umbrella there last week (perhaps while browsing the Petty Crime section) and enquire if a “small, black umbrella” (that’s the commonest type, apparently) has been handed in. Chances are, says our guide, they’ll have a whole heap of the things out back, leaving you to stroll magnificently into the sunset, umbrella in hand, smug grin on face.

One of the many problems of the outside world is the prevalence of money-spending temptation. Shops are the worst culprits, stuffed with wonders that dazzle and excite, luring us into plucking out our depleted wallets to be further hollowed by a maelstrom of products. But that’s not all: restaurants and bars; cinemas; um…and all the other places where money can be spent.

There is, however, a canny way to avoid all this horror, according to one would-be financial consultant: stay indoors. Indoors where stores and cafés rarely if ever manifest. Excellent. Oh, but be sure, the consultant adds, to stay off the internet, which has apparently begun to be used as a sort of virtual marketplace.

Two of the key expenditures us UKbased humans face, certainly as cruel winter nears, are the twin evils of food and heat, both of which are currently at a premium due to the Tories and Brexit Covid and world events. But have you ever considered that you’re only as cold as you feel; only as hungry as you imagine?

One cyberspacian fiscal counsellor believes deep meditation techniques can assuage the urge to feast, while increasing your body’s ambient temperature. Voila: no more energy bills; goodbye expensive shopping trips.

The introspective tightwad claims to have survived on “a few calories a week” while braving temperatures “of around zero” for “several months”. Sounds crazy but let’s face it: it might soon be the only choice a lot of us have.