Living with children

engaging in inappropriate behavior with or around your daughter; I am, however, more than suggesting that you aren’t using good common sense here.

How do I ask for a pay raise?

John Rosemond

husbands (my son’s father) and I have arranged to do regular “childexchanges ” One weekend, all the kids go to his house and on another weekend, they all come to mine

My 11-year-old daughter (by another father) frequently complains of being in some type of pain – stomachaches, headaches, and most recently, pains in her feet that (she says) prevent her from walking Doctors have been unable to find a cause for any of her problems I’ve even had her see a therapist, but that didn’t help at all My daughter says she hates the exchanges and that they are what’s making her sick I know that this particular ex-husband can cause a lot of drama, but even when an exchange goes smoothly she comes back complaining of aches and pains so I’m not sure that’s the real issue I don’t know what to do any more and hope you can help us

A: It seems to me that the solution to this problem is the most obvious one: Stop including your daughter in these child-exchanges

I had to read your question three times to make sure I was understanding correctly that the man with whom you are exchanging children is not your daughter’s father That’s somewhat odd. Furthermore, for you to include in these trade-offs a preteen girl who is not his daughter constitutes putting her emotional and even physical health at risk To be blunt, you should not be sending a girl to the home of a man to whom she is not related unless you are able to be there the entire time I am not suggesting that he is

I don’t know what sort of “drama” this man is capable of creating, but that description alone leads me to think that the emotional climate in his home is or can quickly become very disruptive, even threatening Given the highly unusual nature of the arrangement you’ve worked out with him, I’m not at all surprised that your daughter is complaining of various aches and pains Nor am I surprised that doctors can find nothing wrong The aches and pains in question are most likely psycho-somatic Don’t misunderstand me I’m not saying that your daughter is inventing her aches and pains, that they’re “all in her mind ” I’m saying that these visits obviously stress her out (in fact, as you indicate, even the anticipation of an “exchange” stresses her out) and it is not all that unusual for stress to manifest in the form of physical ailments of one sort or another Furthermore, prolonged stress can eventually cause serious physical problems

I can’t help but think that if you stop including your daughter in these “exchanges” her physical problems will quickly disappear These days, being a pre-teen girl is not as carefree as it once was Your daughter doesn’t need this completely unnecessary complication in her life

Family psychologist John Rosemond: johnrosemond com, parentguru.com.

John Rosemond has worked with families, children, and parents since 1971 in the field of family psychology In 1971, John earned his masters in psychology from Western Illinois University and was elected to the Phi Kappa Phi National Honor Society

Hey Taylor - I’ve been at my current job for three years and I’m starting to feel like I’m due for a raise I also feel like I won’t get one until I ask and I’m terrified of asking and getting turned down Should I just do it? I love my job and would love it even more if my income went up! - June

Hey June - It’s a sad but true reality that some employers won’t give employees their due until they make a formal request If you’ve been there for three years, like the work, are good at your job, and others have seen pay increases, then you have every right to expect a raise It should come without you having to ask, but sometimes we have to go the extra step

I have clients who I’ve helped navigate through similar situations in the past Every company is different, so you have to find the angle that works for you and your position before making the request That said, this type of delicate situation is often best handled by a formulaic approach Essentially, you need to make a pitch as to why the company will benefit from paying you more. Like any good project pitch, you need to structure it properly

The hardest part for most people is the introduction; opening a conversation about how great you are and why you deserve more money can be uncomfortable. I find people have more success with this part when they make it about the company and the future: “I love the work we do here and I want to be a part of it for a long time ” Assuming that’s true, it shouldn’t be too hard to say and it opens up the second part of your pitch - the evidence

As a valued employee, you’ve accomplished a lot over the last three years Think about those successes, then put a future-tense spin on them: “I’m going to keep increasing our XYZ, just as I increased XYZ by 20% over the last 18 months,” etc Again, these should all be true statements You don’t have to brag and you don’t have to sound needy; you’re simply pointing out that a pay raise for you is nothing more than an investment in the company

At that point, you’ve arrived at your conclusion, in which you reiterate how glad you are to work there, how you appreciate your boss or manager taking the time to meet with you, and how you’ll respect whatever decision is made If you aren’t properly compensated for your work, you may have to rethink your relationship with that company However, it’s more likely you’ll get what you deserve and your employer will appreciate you speaking candidly

Never be afraid to ask for fair pay, June As long as you do so with confidence and integrity, you’re doing the right thing Good luck!

Taylor Kovar - Family Man. Wealth Manager. Author. Speaker. Serial Entrepreneur. Travel Lover Chick-Fil-A Fanatic Kovar is the CEO and founder of Kovar Capital Management LLC of Lufkin