FEDERAL MEN MAKE GOOD PROMISE

Elkhart, Ind. - The head of the aeronautical research bureau, Edward Chester, today announced the pending manufacture of instruments to greatly reduce the hazards of blind flying. Mr. Chester has been experimenting with blind flying practically all of his life and now feel that he has attained his goal, that of being able to see when blind Quoting Mr. Chester; "Ever since I was a young lad in prep school I have been taunted about my experiments in the blind flying field. Now I shall be able to go up to one of these erstwhile taunters and say " see , I can see " Oh, gosh I'm happy!"

Gooey Glue, Alabama--"Stickum" Kreis, famous Inventor and research engineer in the fly paper field , today announced that he had decided to release his newest invention , a non-sticky fly paper.

" A gift to humanity," Kreis was quoted as saying "Just think how wonderful it will be to have a nons ticky fly paper! Babies will cry for it, housewives will weep over it , manufactmers will beg for It."

"Stickum", who is the recognized man in his field is the same man who brought out non-transparent windows, wall-less ceilings, buggyless baby buggies, and coneless Ice cream cones.

"There is only one obstacle in the way'', stated Kreis, after much deliberation. "For some odd reason, the flies don't seem to get stuck, but it is only a matter of time until the thing is perfected. Getting the idea was the hard part."

Martin Promises Success Next 1.'ime

Detroit, Mich.-The strike at the Lord automobile manufacturing plant was ended this morning by government arbiters. The strikeleader, Kirk Martin, and the government agents finally came to an agreement only after a conference lasting all night and well Into the next day. Even though the strike is officially over Martin still says that the workers were rooked and if it hadn't been for the fact that he had to return to his mansion on the Pacific coast he would have continued his fight for the oppressed workers. " Look at the poor workers ", said Martin "they don't even know what a fair deal looks like". Before his departure for his coast estate Martin announced his candidacy for the presidency.

Howe School, Howe, Ind.-The noted professor of biology at the School today announced he had finally discovered the Lissing Mink. Professor Goss was delighted at having found the elusive creature after such a protracted period of search and proudly exhibited the odd creature. Discussing the life of the Lissing Mink, Professor Goss stated that the rare animal lived only in certain parts of the world where there were bull-rings nearby It seems that the mink Is very intelligent and learns the sounds of the footsteps passing by overhead on the bull-ring. When discovered the little mink had a complete set of classifications pasted on the walls of its den. Such incriminating evidence was at once destroyed by the professor who did not wish to embarass the owners of the footsteps if the names ever leaked out.

Howe , Indiana- Federal G-Men late last night closed down on "Bean Bags" Warner , reputed to be head of a large gambling ring operating in and about Howe, Ind.

The "G 's" have long suspected warner, but could not procure conclusive evidence until today when a complaint was received from Rev. John D. Schultz, pastor of a local church. He complained that the younger members of the church were not kicking in the usual amount. He said he investigated the matter and found that the children were stopping in at Warner's and gambling away their money. Schultz said he walked in "Bean Bag's" main joint and found Warner on his hands and knees playing marbles for a penny a shot. Schultz stated that the marbles were loaded and that it was practically impossible for the kids to win. He said they should be given at least a 50-50 chance

The G-Men confiscated Warner's entire equipment , among which were loaded marbles , bean bags c o n t a i ni n g Mexican Jumping Beans, and several loaded yo-yos. Milk spiked with iced tea was also served in a back room, It was discovered.

Painesville, Ohio - Mayor Ralph E. Gregory today announced the inclusion of Cleveland as a suburb of this city. Mayor Gregory said , " For several years Cleveland businessmen have been imploring me to Include that city as one of our suburbs." Report has it that Gregory is taking the rural districts around Manhatten Island into consideration.