Surprises Down the Road By Anna Soderberg ‘16 Watching that large diesel-spewing bus roll away that Monday morning, leaving us alongside the road, was surprisingly a huge weight lifted from my shoulders. Of course I was skeptical and anxious of the never-ending land of trees, constant smell of fire smoke, and inevitable cold; however, the forest was my new home and the strangers by my side were my new family. Many days lay ahead, which could surely intimidate most; however, I felt fully equipped and eager to begin such a hyped adventure. There’s a saying— “The mountains are calling and I must go” —and that quote stayed with me that first day and the entire eleven-day journey. I wanted so badly to “find myself ” somewhere out amongst the trees and the untouched snow. I thought “finding myself ” and discovering a whole new meaning to life was the only way to consider Out Back a success; however, quickly after my departure into the woods, I realized that those special moments can’t be forced or man made. During the days prior to Solo I had a difficult time thinking of anything other than whether or not I was prepared and capable of spending those three days companionless. I attempted to fill my brain with positive thoughts, but found it impossible to rid it of potential negative outcomes. I became frustrated with myself for not allowing myself to soul search, and I was flustered that my emotions ranged from cold to bitter and not much in between. I craved a connection with the wilderness and desired to share the same enthusiasm others did. I’ve always enjoyed being alone. I’ve always preferred silence to chaos and ruckuses. That bright and sunny Friday morning, I was nothing but ready to leave my group and experience the wilderness unaccompanied. I felt prepared and powerful, independent and free; however, I can still recall my first realization: that the swirling wind and falling snow felt significantly different when there wasn’t someone standing nearby. Each minute began to feel longer than the next, and slowly I became weary of my newly-found independence. I missed the teasing from the boys in my group; I wished for Mr. Flinders’ wisdom and cheerful attitude; and I longed for Avery’s quiet but sincere friendship. 5
It generally seems that the Solo experience part of Out Back is a designated time to reflect on yourself and life. Those three days I did a tremendous amount of thinking; however, looking back I’ve realized that I put so much pressure on myself to have a triumphant epiphany that I became overwhelmed and self-conscious of my not-sodeep thoughts. It seems foolish to me now, but most of those quiet and freedom-filled hours, I spent curiously pondering when I would “change,” become a better person, and discover whole new dimension to my life. I felt so much pressure to develop new personal traits and characteristics, I forgot to cherish those precious moments of serenity and peacefulness. When Monday morning came, I was fully awake before the sun had even fully risen, and my excitement was almost uncontrollable. I anxiously awaited Mr. Flinders’ arrival at my Solo site. Truthfully, I was pleased with myself for surviving those three days, but also, disappointed for not being quite able to reflect as much as some say they do. I continued to silently and subtly beat myself up for not connecting with the beautiful nature around me and not successfully seeing an inner change in myself. What I soon realized each day that passed after solo was that life lessons cannot be learned in one instant, and the ability to create positive changes in a person’s life isn’t because you slept alone in the woods for three days. Personal reflection is creating happiness in your life for solely being alive, counting your blessings and proudly honoring yourself. Days and days of hiking made me realize that without a positive outlook, a core support group around me, and the capability to bounce back from certain situations, Out Back can be a significant struggle for some; however, Out Back can also make a person grateful for what they hold onto outside of the woods and how lacking an epiphany only means more surprises down the road.
Mosaic ¦ Volume 13 ¦ Holderness School ¦ www.holderness.org