The Nonicle
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Windex Still Least Respected Beverage
By Bryan Menegus Staff Sherpa
In a recent poll by Pepsi Co., Windex© is still their lowest-ranked product, both in customer satisfaction and bulk purchases. Detractors mainly cited its absence of high fructose corn syrup and the lingering feeling of blindness. However, the beverage still has its devout consumers. “I guess it’s a pretty divisive food item, like Silly Putty,” said area man Greg Girraldo, “most of
my friends don’t care for it, but I like options: mist, spray or stream, depending on how thirsty I am.” Convenience isn’t the only thing Windex© has to offer, according to housewife Sharleen McMannus. “I enjoy Windex© for its blue taste and clean finish.” She added, “it’s non-carbonated and it’s sugar-free!” She proceeded to clean the countertops around her fourburner stove and then quench the mighty thirst she had worked up while tidying.
Despite expectations, slumping sales of Windex© have been buttressed by a brand-loyal customer base. “My grandfather drank Windex©, my father drank Windex©, and I’ll enjoy the taste of Windex© by the gallon until the day I die…from Windex© poisoning” said Freeport resident Richard Baggarell, clutching at his liver, which appeared to be bleeding through his skin. Said one Pepsi Co. executive, “I have no
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idea why anyone would think that Windex© was a drink. At no point in the history of that product-which Pepsi Co. does not produce-- has it ever been advertised for human consumption. After finding out how many people are drinking that stuff, I’m going to go home, hug my wife and kids, and just be thankful for the small things from now on.” He added, “that’s the last time we include a fillin response.” Windex: the taste you can see, until you go blind.
Personal Opinion: Where In God’s Name Did I Put My Car Keys? By Marc Butcavage Staff Metorologist
This ‘96 Civic won’t drive itself to the farmers’ market.
Jesus, I swear I had them, like, five minutes ago. Did I set them down on the table by the door? No, that doesn’t make any sense; I didn’t even get to the door before I realized I forgot my briefcase. Wait, maybe they are in the kitchen. Yeah, I always leave them in the kitchen. I decided to grab a last minute glass of water too, I think. They’re definitely in the kitchen.
Oh come on, they’re seriously not in the kitchen? What is going on here? Can I seriously not keep track of a tiny but necessary item for more than thirty seconds? Am I some kind of developmentally delayed toddler? I swear someone is out to get me. Some guy must have come in here, moved my keys somewhere I’d never look, and left, just to mess with me, you know? It’s all just some big conspiracy, and I am the only target. I’m like a walking
Matt Damon movie, but instead of being some cool CIA agent or something, I’m just a dude who can’t keep track of the basic necessities I need to carry out a successful day to day life. Why in the love of all that is holy am I so incapable of a single task that so many adults handle responsibly day in and day out! Oh, here they are. They were in my sock the whole time.
School of Communication Moves to Ban Internet From Classroom By Boris Asterix Humorologist
In an only mildly shocking announcement today, the Hofstra School of Communication has decided to ban the use of internet from its curriculum. Department Chairs from both the Journalism program and the RTVF department cited issues they had with the internet, like, “all those numbers that make colors or whatever” and the fact that back in their day when you got a letter you wrote one back with a pen and it meant something. Rob Popper, Journalism Department Chair, who was writing by candlelight while his secretary loaded a new Stravinsky song
into his phonograph, was enthusiastic about Dempster’s department-wide bans of the Internet. “Everyone says the future of journalism is the internet. Well listen, if we cared about being relevant we wouldn’t be on Long Island, now would we,” Popper said. The same sentiment was echoed by RTVF Department Chair Marcus Marella, who requested to be interviewed by HAM radio. “I’m sure a lot of people will say that if you want a job in the film industry you’ve got to understand how to distribute for the internet. Well, that’s just hogwash, I say the same thing about Youtube that I did about the polio vac-
cine: it’ll never work and we’ve done just fine without it,” Murillo said while holding a shotgun in front of his frontier home to protect it from bears and godless Indians. Obviously, many students are upset by this new technological ban. Senior TV major Ronald Souza and Junior Radio major Rod Derickson are a bit skeptical about the direction of the department. “It’s just very frustrating to know that no one will see the work that I do at Hofstra,” Souza said of the grainy, non-color corrected, incomprehensible TV packages he did for his broadcast class, and the derisive and soulless Shaun of the Dead ripoff he submitted to last year’s
HFC Festival. Derickson agreed, fearing the future worth of his radio major. “I asked my professor about satellite radio the other day, and he told that it’s impossible because DJs can’t breathe in space,” Derickson said while editing together an extremely boring feature for WRHU’s Newsline on a Long Island Fashion Designer that makes scarves for cats. In the Journalism Department, Professor Patrick Woodman, praised the decision, excited to finally know what everyone is talking about during staff meetings. “You show me one example of someone using the internet to be a journalist and I’ll show you a
newspaper that covered the same story 24 to 48 hours later,” Woodman said. Most excited about the internet ban were staffers for The Hofstra Chronicle, who are tired of being scooped by far more adequate and faster journalists coming out of Hofstra’s School of Communication. “Now that no one can use the internet in Dempster, The Chronicle’s top dog, baby! We’re all really excited to deliver you your campus news at a 7-day delay. We’re going to make the school paper cool again,” Chronicle Editor-In-Chief Ryan Broderick said as he inserted typos and factual errors into this week’s issue.