5 minute read
April 1, 2021
The Radical
S E R V I N G H E N D R I C K S C O U N T Y S I N C E W H E N
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Volume 1, Number 17 Thursday, April 1, 2021 Published Weakly in Danville, Indiana
Shakespeare
Subdivision Ruffles Feathers
This sign will welcome visitors to Coop de Ville, Indiana’s first poulty-friendly community. The sign will be located just off U.S. 36 on Henny Penny Lane.
The Danville Town Council came up with a compromise that will “kill two birds with one stone,” so to speak.
The proposed housing development west of town will become Indiana’s first fowl-friendly subdivision, “Coop de Ville,” where all residents will be required to maintain a flock of chickens.
Amenities will include an oval town center, which will double as a roundabout to handle the increased traffic. Free Range Park will have walking paths of crushed oyster shells with chicken feeders and water fountains placed along the way. Housing units include single-roost, double-roost, and coopdominiums.
New Reading Program at Local Libraries
With the success of “Reading to Dogs” for children, the Hendricks County Libraries will be adapting the canine program to bovines with the introduction of “Reading to Cows” for adults.
The program will not only help raise awareness of adult literacy by providing a non-judgemental reading partner, but will improve comprehension through rumination. Participants can select any dairy breed as their reading partner, and sign up for a 30-minute slot, after morning milking or after evening milking.
Mandatory Golf Cart Ordinance Under Consideration
With rush hour traffic headaches for both towns and commuters, some Hendricks County towns are considering making golf carts mandatory.
“Somebody should have thought of this before,” a local traffic expert said under the condition that their name not be revealed. “You can get more vehicles in less space and reduce road rage incidents. In fact, roundabouts should be installed at regular intervals. It wouldn’t necesarily speed up the morning drive, but going around in a little circle would bring back childhood memories - I can just see the drivers happily going around several times - especially if they played merry-go-round music on a speaker.”
Newspaper Publishes Special Edition for April 1
And what is so rare as an April 1 that falls on Thursday?
This marks the 17th such alignment of date and day since 1900. To commemorate this temporal coincidence, we present a special onepage, one-time issue to show proof of Abraham Lincoln’s adage, “You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can not fool all of the people all of the time.”
Especially on April 1.
Avon Mulls Name Change
With its continuing growth and the problems that growth brings, the Town of Avon is consider reverting to one of its past names.
“Smootsdell is not as aspirational as a name associated with Shakespeare,” a source revealed. “Builders might thing twice before planning a subdivision called Smootdell Heights.”
Plainfield Looks at Drive-In Movie Restaurants
With the plans to convert the former Prewitt Theater into a restaurant at Plainfield, several local restaurants are mulling the prospect of introducing drive-in movies with meals.
“It would built on the style of the old Dog & Suds drive-ins,” explainedan anonymous source. “Servers on roller skates would take the orders for the meal and the movie, which would be projected on a screen in front of each table...I mean parking spot. We would offer specials to accompany certain movies - prime rib with westerns, shrimp with Forest Gump, and kids’ meals with cartoons.”
More Centers Called for at Brownsburg
Brownsburg is considering multiple Town Centers, because you can’t have too much of a good thing.
“Some people like one thing, some like another,” a resident said. “Not everybody likes nougat; some want maple fudge. Then there are those that insist on caramel and others who won’t touch coconut. With multiple centers, everybody get a choice.”
Plumber Calls It Quits
Danville’s festive plumber, Bill Eddy, has retired to the south of France. He plans to write a tell-all book about growing up as a friend of Phil Gulley. Movie rights are under negotiation.
More TV-Theme Restaurants
Move over, Mayberry Café, new restaurants with classic TV series as themes are coming to Danville.
The Dick Van Dyke Diner will feature a home-like setting (watch out for the ottoman) and meals served at a kitchen table.
The I Love Lucy Lunchroom will cater to those wanting a quick meal. Food will arrive on a conveyor belt that speeds up as you eat.
Opening dates have not been announced. Check your TV Guide for time and location.
The Republican Editor To Retire
The Republican’s editor, Betty Bartley, has announced plans to retire.
“The April Fools Day issue was the breaking point,” she explained. “After conferring with Bill Eddy, we both decided we had had enough of it and vowed to seek better working conditions.”
She is currently tending bar until something better comes along.
The paper will begin rerunning past issues in the hopes that no one will notice. A new title is under consideration by the publisher. Being considered are “The Socialist Democrat,” “The Hendricks County Tattler,” and “You Didn’t Hear It From Us.”
Danville Park Plans To Go No-Mow
With the rise in cost of lawn mower repairs Ellis Park in Danville is planning to put up fence and rent several flocks of sheep.
“Our mowing staff was getting saddlesores,” explained Park Superintendent Will Lacey.
Plans are to use rotational grazing during the growing season and keep the the wool to insulate the park buildings during the winter.
Miracle
After 37 years in ministry, Pastor Phil Gulley is pleased to announce he’s gotten saved. In a related story, a number of ministers, with no goal left to attain, announced their retirement.
Fountain Plan
A plan to incorporation the Bison-tennial Bison into the new water fountain on the square is being discussed. Exactly where the water will come out is the main problem.
Yester~Year
Issue of April 1, 1915
The Amalgamated Association of Federated Women’s clubs had an exciting meeting where several of the ladies publicly expressed their private opinion of several other ladies, who retaliated in return.
