Coping With A Loved One’s Eating Disorder During the Holidays By Randy K. Hardman, Ph.D. and Michael E. Berrett, Ph.D. or most people, the holiday season is a wonderful time of year. It is often a time of family reunion, socializing, and celebration – a time when families, friends, and coworkers come together to share good will and good food. The season is meant to be bright, happy, and full of the best of relationships.
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Yet, for those who suffer with eating disorders, this is often the worst time of the year. For those who are trapped in the private hell of anorexia, bulimia, or binge eating disorder, the holidays often magnify their personal struggles, causing them great internal pain and turmoil. At Center for Change, we asked patients over the years to share from their private experiences what the Holidays have been like during the years they suffered with an eating disorder and asked them to participate in a survey. The following suggestions are answers to the survey question, “What three suggestions do you have for family and friends who want to help the holiday season go a little better for a loved one suffering with an eating disorder?” The women offering these suggestions range in age from 14 to 44, and their suggestions offer some valuable insight and understanding that could be helpful to you as a friend or a family member. Being compassionate about the struggles of the eating disorder illness can help make the holidays less of a battle for those you love. The suggestions are: 1. Do not make a big issue about what your loved one is eating. A little bit of encouragement is okay. 2. Do not focus too much on food, it may only fuel the eating disorder. 3. Ask her how she is doing and see if she needs any help. 4. Do not become angry about how the she feels, just do your best to support her. 5. Offer a lot of support and be aware of what may be creating anxiety and try and understand what she feels. Be understanding, kind, and supportive. 6. Spend quality time with your loved one. 7. Make sure that the primary focus of the holiday is not on the food but rather on the family and the valued time you will share together. 10
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8. Allow for other activities that do not involve food, such as games, singing carols together, opening gifts, decorating, and spending time just talking together. 9. Allow her to make a dish that she would feel comfortable eating. 10. Before the Holiday itself, and before family gatherings, make agreements about how you can best help your loved one with food. Honor the agreements you make. 11. Do not give her loud and attention drawing praise when she does eat. 12. Do not talk about diets, weight loss, or weight gain. It causes great anxiety and may increase a felt need to engage in eating disorder behavior. 13. Learn enough about the illness and the triggers to help your loved one develop skills as well as strategies to defy eating disorder thoughts and urges. 14. Know something about her struggles, triggers, and behaviors. Then, if you see those, you can approach her after a meal in private and suggest ways she might be helped in some of those behaviors and learn ways you can be helpful and supportive. 15. If you see her struggling, ask if she wants to talk, but ask this in private. 16. Focus on how she is feeling inside, what issues she is worrying about, what her fears are, what she needs, rather than just how much she is eating or not eating. 17. Try not to focus too much attention on the eating disordered behaviors. 18. Be patient and nurturing. 19. Treat her with love and respect no matter what is going on. 20. Let her know that she is loved. 21. Help her take her mind off of food by generating a conversation with her about general or important topics. 22. Don’t allow her to excessively isolate. 23. Be there for her emotionally and physically with hugs and messages of love. 24. Do not stare. There are several themes evident in these suggestions for loved ones and friends by those suffering with eating disorders. One of the most important is to keep the primary focus and interest on the family member or friend, the individual beyond her eating behaviors or eating disorder. Consider well these suggestions, they are actually heartfelt requests. H&F