Crusader April Fool's Edition

Page 1

Volume XC, Number 14

April 1, 2014

Woooostaaahhh, Massachusetts

Father Boroughs Headlines Jesuit Swimsuit Calendar

Brendan Higgins Will probably get more credit than he deserves for this issue

The college was very pleased to announce Monday morning that our very own school president, Fr. Philip Boroughs, would he headlining America Magazine’s second annual Jesuit Swimsuit calendar. America Magazine is a national weekly magazine published by the American Jesuits that contains news and opinion about Catholicism and this is their second venture into the calendar sector. “We just felt that there are so many great Jesuits out there helping better God’s earth,� commented magazine editor Fr. Malone, S.J., “and we just wanted to highlight some of the hunkiest ones.� So if you have recently stumbled up to the varsity weight room and wondered why our school president was going through an abdomen workout with some of our school’s most expensive athletes, it wasn’t just because he was looking for a good beach body. Well I guess technically he was because it is for a swimsuit calendar but whatever. “He’s been

really great to have around the ath- happy about it. Last year’s headline letes,â€? commented weight room Zen Jesuit, Pope Francis, had some choice master/guru who goes by the mon- words for our school’s president. onym Ollie, “I told some of the boys “This is bogus man, totally jive,â€? that they could lose their scholar- said the Holy Father. “I can’t believe ships if Pathis. I’m the dre over here Pope!!! I am caught them the head honskipping reps, cho of the so we’ve been whole religion incredibly and they’re p r o d u c t ive. gonna give We’ve been this honor doing all the to some rannormal actividom school ties: Abducpresident?!? tors, exgrants, I know I’m KH[Ă H[RUV HO supposed to bow obliques, be the ‘huma bunch of ble guy’ and other weird I’m the one phrases that who hugged don’t really the leper and mean anywho sneaks Photo-ready Father Boroughs poses for thing‌usout late at photoshoot behind Ciampi ing that big night to do machine with vigilante food the ropes, throwing medicine balls donations but I’m putting my foot against the wall. You name it, he’s down here. I mean they offered me probably done it.â€? February this year. FEBRUARY?? While this is an exciting opportu- That’s the shortest month of the nity for the school, not everyone is year!!! I AM THE POPE!â€? His Holi-

Snow Storm Shocks Students whirlwind of snow and reduced to Robby Keilig a pathetic undetectable pile of froThat One Kid Who Yelled at You zen mush,â€? a section of the mesat a Party sage read. “If you would like to help shovel and have an aching back for the rest of the week, we are also WORCESTER—A massive snow- looking for strapping lads and gals storm moving swiftly up the coast is to shovel snow at the sensational rate set to arrive in Worcester this Satur- of $4 an hour,â€? the notice continued. day, arriving promptly in time to utA similar email has been relayed terly crush the spirits of Holy Cross to professors suggesting methods of students and preemptively returning possible transport to campus. These migratory birds. options include snow-shoeing, the The forecast, which had been pre- use of a dogsled team (particularly dicted as “sunny and warm, great for popular!), and setting up a tent in the hanging out and generally having a RIĂ€ FH ,Q D SLQFK SURIHVVRUV KDYH good time,â€? changed sometime late been advised that they can go to the Thursday night, according to bar science building and cook canned patrons at Greyhound who were all soup over Bunsen burners--if the on their phones the entire time not snow has not yet caused the building socializing with one another. As of to cave in. There will also be bedtime the update, the new forecast on Ac- story reading provided by a select cuweather simply reads “whoops-a- JURXS RI -HVXLWV DW WKDW JLDQW Ă€ UH daisy.â€? place in Dinand, which apparently “I can’t believe this! Typical Worces- does work, and will cause many prester! Ughhhhhhhh!â€? commented one ent to draw parallels with the movie particular loser standing in the cor- The Day After Tomorrow. ner, to no one in particular. “I was As is to be expected, many students going to go on a hike!â€? he muttered, have already strongly voiced their as he boarded a taxi to head home abject misery over the upcoming as three mooches “who only had two nor’easter, especially given that many dollarsâ€? craftily tagged along. were having so much fun reading po +RO\ &URVV RIĂ€ FLDOV KDYH LVVXHG litical science books and playing cantheir usual warning to students on jam on the Hoval. “I guess we can avoiding being run over by gigantic still do this work in the library speeding snowplows. “Please stay out of the way of the grounds crews, or you will be crushed to death in a See SNOW, page 3 www.thehccrusader.com

Propaganda..............1 Diary Entries..........52 Recipes...................K More Propaganda..12 ness then made some comments to Commercials............3 the Crusader staff in Italian which have roughly been translated to “Kanye was right all along.� Students have obviously had some questions about this situation, such as “What’s the designated day to drink in honor of this,� and “Is this part of that billion dollar Arts Program someone’s grandpa donated,� which we were hoping that Fr. Boroughs would address in his press release. However we seemed to see a very different side of the President who rolled into the conference in Versace Mass garments blasting “Worst Behavior� by the rapper Drake who was also present in matching Versace Mass garments. Fr. Boroughs appeared to be dodging every question regardless of how innocent the question appeared to be. What we did get from the conference is that the photo shoot is going to be next week in Bermuda, and that he was “totally freaking stoked� for it. The $100 calendar is expected to be released this October, and every student will be given a free copy which will be billed to their STAR account.

Woo-Po Honored by DPS Terry McKenna Hot Lacrosse Player Lieutenant Murph Brown of the Worcester Police Department has been honored by the Holy Cross Department of Public Safety. Sources says Brown went beyond the line of duty in order to protect the city. During the heavy week of midterms two weeks ago, Brown was able to log 48 hours straight at his station on Caro Street. One Worcester resident, who we will nickname Mr. Burrows to respect his identity, provides an eyewitness to highlight Lieutenant’s Brown dedication. “It was a Tuesday around noon when a seemingly innocent senior girl was walking down Caro Street. On her back was a backpack, and in her hand, a coffee mug,� Mr. Burrows explained.� Brown, however, saw right through this “nice� girl’s scheme. He would proceed to tackle her into the pavement, empty her backpack into the garbage, and con-

www.homestarrunner.com

Inside The Crusader

Ă€ VFDWH KHU FRIIHH PXJ Mr. Burrows exclaimed that the city needed more cops like Brown. He continued, “Although this girl tried to tell the cop that her backpack was full of study materials and the coffee helped her make it through her allnighter in the library, Brown was not silly enough to buy this lie. He used his sixth sense of justice and knew that Holy Cross students are always up to no good. Expecting alcohol in this 22-yearold’s possession, Brown moved swiftly.â€? After being brought to the hospital for stitches, the criminal was detained and has been put on probation at Holy Cross. Upon being honored, Murph Brown stated, “I just want Worcester to be able to sleep knowing they are safe. I cannot thank Holy Cross Public Safety enough for all of their support.â€? Much thanks to law and order for controlling the seemingly out-ofcontrol Holy Cross student population. In other news, violence and drug use in Worcester are up for the 10th month in a row. @Higgie_Smalls

Fenwick Review XQGHU À UH IRU misuse of funding giving towards Paul Ryan’s Campaign Page 2+X=4

Student falls asleep in class, wakes up, and falls asleep Page 56

Public Safety looses keys to front gate, classes cancelled LQGHĂ€ QLWHO\ Page Threeve

Crossroads to introduce $12 deep fried salads for fall semester Page 13ish

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The Crusader

Public Safety Blotter Friday, March 21 Wheeler Hall: Students reported two female roommates Ă€JKWLQJ DIWHU RQH VDLG ´, KDWH \RXÂľ DQG ZDLWHG WRR ORQJ before adding “jk lolzâ€? Science Complex: Something “science-yâ€? happened Stein Hall: Students called reporting that their FLA had fallen and broken her leg while singing karaoke on top of a table Easy Street: Staff reported that a Physical Plant Smart Car is stuck after driving over a piece of gum Loyola Hall 5$ UHTXHVWHG WKDW RIĂ€FHUV EUHDN XS D SDUW\ for being too lame

Saturday, March 22 Smith Hall: Students called requesting medical assistance for a classmate who strained a muscle trying to open the automatic doors leading to Smith Bridge Off-campus: College Hill residents complained about the QRLVHÂłRIĂ€FHUV UHPLQGHG WKHP WKH\ FKRVH WR OLYH QH[W WR a school that was established back in 1843 Clark Hall: Male student on crutches requested medical transport to a Caro Street party Healy Hall: RA Staff reported that “it’s quiet, too quietâ€? Mulledy Hall: RA called to report that a large number of students were congregating in a 3 East room—turned out to be an Orgo study session Williams Hall: Students report that a sophomore female vomited in the lobby #youknowwhoyouare

Sunday, March 23 Kimball Dining Hall: Staff called to report that “Sisâ€? had WR EUHDN XS D Ă€JKW RYHU FKLFNHQ SDUPÂłRIĂ€FHUV FDOOHG WR settle crowd Dinand Library: Library staff reported being wary over VHHLQJ D VRFLRORJ\ PDMRU LQ 'LQDQGÂłRIĂ€FHUV GLVSDWFKHG to check it out Kimball Quad 2IĂ€FHUV UHSRUWHG D Ă€JKW HQVXLQJ EHWZHHQ 7KH &UXVDGHU DQG 7KH )HQZLFN 5HYLHZ VWDIIVÂłWKH RIĂ€cers had to intervene when one Editor-in-Chief Emeritus whipped out a trident Tuesday, March 25 School-wide: :LĂ€ ZDV QRW LQ VHUYLFH IRU VHYHUDO KRXUV LQ the evening due to a freshman Monserrat Class’ group project to “test the school’s willpowerâ€? which led to several arsons and widespread looting

April 1, 2014

Holy Cross Plans Satellite Campus Abroad in Toronto, eh Seymour Butts Nobody’s seen more butts than you, Uncle Tony! Earlier this week, Fr. Boroughs announced a proposal to keep Holy Cross competitive with other schools by presenting plans for a campus to be built abroad in Toronto, Canada. Having campuses abroad is a popular trend amongst institutes of higher education—such as Georgetown constructing facilities in the Middle East and Harvard working on a pretentious and state-of-the-art campus smack dab in the middle of Haiti. Now, the College turns to our friends to the north

to expand HC’s presence into the very exotic land of Canadia. “Our Ignatian beliefs call for us to develop students’ global awareness,� said Fr. Boroughs during his Press Conference held in the Hogan 2 couches area. The proposed campus will serve as a satellite to life here on Mount Saint James. There will be professors representing all disciplines as well as the new department of Canadian Studies. This department will offer a broad range of classes—ranging from Tim Horton’s management classes to a course on Canadian fashion. “Before I was thinking of doing a self designed major in 13th-century po-

etry, but I would be failing my liberal arts education if I did not consider Canadian Studies in more depth,â€? said one future unemployed alumnus. Students can apply to study at this exotic, intellectual mecca through study abroad. Therefore, a yearlong option will be the only duration offered to students interested in this Canadian campus, because—let’s face it—no one ever wants to go abroad for “justâ€? a semester. The new campus will incorporate the best aspects the original campus in Worcester—such as a fantastic neighERUKRRG WHUULĂ€F KRXVLQJ DQG SKHnomenal food.

HC Ranked Number One in Diversity Lord Farquaad Original Pimp of Duloc This week, Holy Cross was recognized for its diversity. A national advocacy group for diversity in undergraduate education ranked the College of the Holy Cross as the most diverse school in the country. Granted, this group is headed by an HC alum, but word of this accolade is already plas-

tered on the website—so Public Affairs is just going with it. The judges of the rankings cited the following as the basis Holy Cross’ recognition: having students from every WRZQ LQ )DLUÀHOG &RXQW\ UHSUHVHQWLQJ every variety of Vineyard Vines Shep Shirts on campus on a given day, and embracing minority groups’ cultural festivities—such as the Irish minority on campus drinking excessively on St.

Patrick’s Day and inviting the entire student body to join. So, clearly Holy &URVV GHĂ€QHV GLYHUVLW\ “I don’t know why people think HC isn’t diverse‌ they all think we are just a bunch of white kids from wealthy suburbs, but there is more to us than just that—some of us spend our summers at our beach homes or lakeside estates,â€? said Kylie Snootington, a junior sociology major.

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sed on G a B e B to ry e tt o L g in s Hou She continued, “Involvement in [popular student volunteer program] Charlotte Errity SPUD will also be considered in the Co-co-co-co-Editor-in-Chief TXDOLĂ€FDWLRQV IRU D JRRG KRXVLQJ time.â€? ResLife shared with The Crusader KRZ WKH\ DUH ZHLJKLQJ TXDOLĂ€FDWLRQV As April begins, students across the for a good time: “Grade point average Hill—except the lucky resident as- obviously takes precedent when looksistants who just stand by and watch, ing at the various factors. Then, we snicker—prepare to enter into what will examine the student’s standings in many students call the “Holy Cross various RSOs and whether they are inHunger Gamesâ€?: the housing selec- volved in a volunteer site with SPUD.â€? tion process. For the upcoming aca“In this system, the student involved GHPLF \HDU WKH 2IĂ€FH RI +RXVLQJ DQG in CASA and who is sitting on the Residence Life has decided to alter the SGA Senate, while pulling above a 3.5 selection policy, which is assigned to grade point average will have more of pairs and groups entering the lottery. a chance to land Williams Hall, for exThe new policy will change the criteria ample,â€? the representative said. for lottery number assignment from The ResLife representative did not “random,â€? to based purely on a com- comment on whether being “van cerbination of a student’s GPA and their WLĂ€HGÂľ JDYH \RX DQ DGYDQWDJH LQ WKH leadership positions. lottery system. They did, however, “Students who have more involve- add, “The new number assignment ment in bettering our campus, both system is similar to the Washington, in leadership titles and in college-wide D.C. semester admittance process.â€? grade point average, deserve to have The switch is causing quite the conWKH Ă€UVW VHOHFWLRQ WLPHV Âľ D UHSUHVHQWD- troversy across campus, as students tive from ResLife divulged in a state- have been tweeting up a storm in upment. The Crusader student newspaper College of the Holy Cross Published weekly since 1925

Charlotte Errity, Elizabeth O’Brien Co-Editors-in-Chief Keef .HYLQ 'HHKDQ (YDQ *URJDQ 0HJDQ ,]]R .HOVH\ /LWWOHÀHOG News Editors, More Like OLD Editors am I right?! Victoria Fritz, Garrett Bych, Johnathan Thompson, Julie Booth Well thats just like, your Opinion man Maggie Walsh, Hannah Shaw, Stefanie Schefter, Natalie Correa Feet-hair Editors John Morton, Patrick Buscone, Emily Iannoconi Sweaty Jock Athletes

Brendan Higgins Eggplant Editor Jonah Choe, Kyle Hughes Can use a computer Colleen Paddock Probably owns a sweet camera (yes Zach stealing your joke here) Megan Izzo, Trey Altieri Secretely Dating Rachel Franchella, Julia Levesque, Emily Watson, Paige Tortorelli Tweet about the newspaper a lot Lucas Keefer He’s not a business man, hes a Business MAN Lauren Biolsi Advertising Manager, couldn’t think of a joke for this one Professor Steve Vineberg Can’t make fun of him or I’ll get kicked off the paper Dean Jacqueline Peterson Again not trying to push my luck

Please address correspondence to: Yo Momma P.O Box 32A College of the Holy Cross 1 College Street Worcester, MA 01610-2395 Email: crusader@g.holycross.edu Web: www.thehccrusader.com

To advertise in The Crusader: Email: crusaderadvertising@gmail.com Phone: (508) 293-1283

roar. 2QH 7ZLWWHU XVHU ZKR LGHQWLĂ€HV KLPself in his bio as “HC Class of 2015, #bostonstrong, all opinions are my own,â€? claims, “I gotta start #working harder. #clubdinand.â€? Another outraged student, a self-proclaimed stoner, and resident of Lehy Hall says, “Can we just go back to the random selection policy? Pleeeeeeassseeeeeee!â€? The student added that despite his dismal GPA and lack of camSXV LQYROYHPHQW KH ´GLG WRWDOO\ Ă€QHÂľ in 2013’s selection process, ending up in one of the most prized underclassman dorms on campus. Another student, whom we interviewed in Dinand Library on Saturday night, claimed the new system is “comSOHWHO\ IDLU DQG MXVWLĂ€HG Âľ +H VDLG ´,W¡V about time they changed their system. My sophomore year, I got stuck in Mulledy basement.â€? The Housing Selection Process begins on April 28th for rising seniors in the dorm everyone is hoping they don’t get assigned to, Mulledy Hall.

6HULRXVO\ LV DQ\RQH UHDGLQJ WKLV Ă€QH SULQW" <HDK \HDK DOO WKH RSLQions are our own, yadda yadda yadda. Who saw that one coming. , KDYH OLNH HOHYHQ IDUW MRNHV D ZHHN , FRXOG EH VWXIĂ€QJ LQ WKLV VSDFH ULJKW KHUH EXW QR ZH QHHG WR KDYH VRPH œÀQH SULQW¡ VR ZH FDQ¡W JHW ‘sued’. Who is gonna sue a student newspaper? Sure I mean with the Eggplant I can think of a few people who might want us to cease publication. Public Safety for one, and that one kid from Yale who emailed me about my controversial ‘Chaminade Articleâ€? but who is going to sue the newspaper itself? Were our opinions on the weather and whatnot too hard hitting? Was our report on the baseball team too on the nose? Come on its just bogus. If anyone reads this email me at bphigg15@g.holycross.edu and I will personally give you a handshake. Congratulations man. You did it, you read every joke in the paper, you found the Holy Grail, you found Waldo. Come collect your handshake.

The Crusader

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April One, 2014

POT: HC’s Newest Problem Tom Cain Lol Inside Jokes

Last week, the Holy Cross administration declared that pot is the biggest problem on campus, and RIĂ€FLDOV DUH GHYLVLQJ ZD\V WR HQG the nonsense. However, some students doubt these methods will be effective in ending pot— not just because they’re haters— but because pot is an alternative medicine that many students on Mount Saint James are particularly fond of. Some students cannot go a day without their pot. Studies show it’s a great way to cleanse the system and relax a little. “I can’t go a day without my pot,â€? said a student hovering out of the side door of Healy. While students may love pot, Holy Cross’ administration is fed up with the trend. With over 20% of the student body using pot evHU\ GD\ FDPSXV RIĂ€FLDOV HVWLPDWH D ERZO FRXOG Ă€QG LWV ZD\ LQWR HYery dorm room by the end of the year. Before this article goes any further, pot is of course referring to neti pots, the popular nasal irrigation system. Since a particular news writer is tired, he is just going to quote Wikipedia in order to de-

scribe this fad to the uncultured individuals out there who don’t know what neti pots are: “Neti pots are typically made of metal, glass, ceramic or plastic. They rely on grav-

a person uses a neti pot by putting a small tea kettle of saline solution up one nostril and lets all their mucus drain out the other side into a bowl (now you can laugh at the

Ewwww. What is that stuff coming from her nose?

ity, along with head positioning and repeated practice in order to rinse the outer sinus cavities. Typically they have a spout attached near the bottom, sometimes with a handle on the opposite side.� So, basically,

From SNOW, page 1

am from in California I am usually wearing no shoes already at this time like huge nerds,â€? many were heard to of year, except for the sandals I keep have said on Friday. in my car by the pedals,â€? a senior Then there was this response. named John Brockendiep lament“Oh great, just freaking great. Here ed. “Good thing I have not taken ZH JR DJDLQ /D GH Ă LSSLQJ GD Âľ UH- the Christmas decorations that we marked one disgruntled senior, as splurged on off of my porch yet.â€? they stormed outside of their home Intriguingly, there are several stuwith several snow shovels in tow dents who maintain they are optimisand angrily began covering their car tic over the impending gale of wind with a big blue nylon tarp. “Actually, and ice. “My father back in Vietnam to heck with it. I don’t care! Bring it and cold blah blah rain and monon!â€? he screamed, tossing his shovel soons blah blah,â€? responded one seinto the street where it was then run nior, when quested by reporters on over in a clichĂŠ manner by a pass- his taking of the rapidly approaching car. ing squall. “It won’t be that bad, ya News of the tempest has likewise [sic] know. When in Worcester!â€? he disquieted several fashion gurus happily exclaimed as he donned his (what a cool term), who realize that bright yellow WRFC scarf and desundresses and lax bro shorts will signer leather jacket to go hang out XQIRUWXQDWHO\ QRW VXIĂ€FH ´, GRQ¡W at Dinand. understand, it’s April and where I

Campion Will Host Kegs & Eggs Friday Mornings for Rest of Semester Following the success of the bagel initiative on Friday PRUQLQJV WKH &KDSODLQV¡ RIĂ€FH ZLOO XS WKHLU JDPH E\ KRVWing kegs and eggs every Friday morning. Who wouldn’t want to start their weekend off with a barrel of some cheap beer and scripture? Fridays at 9:30 a.m. in Campion House

bowl joke from before). “I love seeing that green stream come out one nostril‌ and I don’t care if there is a stigma against it,â€? said one editor with a particularly Irish-sounding last name.

“I love it! I just stick it up one hole and it comes out the other,â€? said Carol Dee, ’16, talking about her frequent nasal irrigating, “I don’t see why people are trying to VWRS PH IURP GUDLQLQJ P\ Ă XLGV Âľ 2IĂ€FLDOV DUH QRZ EDQQLQJ students from doing pot in the dorms. On-campus residents are now forced to hide and neti pot in their rooms. “I can always smell when a resident of mine is doing pot... that saline sure does have a distinct scent,â€? said one Loyola RA. When asked why neti pot users are being persecuted, the Fr. Borough’s Presidential Task Force Against Pot (PTFAP) declined to comment. However, The Crusader intercepted an email conversation amongst the PTFAP members. The messages revealed that students’ clean nasal passages were reducing cold symptoms on campus. This led to decreased overpriced tissue and cough syrup sales in the Lobby Shop. Now, &ROOHJH RIĂ€FLDOV PXVW VDYH WKLV crucial source of income by suppressing the neti revolution.

Wanted: Roommate for 2014-2015

Must be: Tolerant of wiccans Willing to make the trek to Mulledy Accepting of a clothing optional lifestyle ;) lonelyliberal@fenwickreview.gov

Smart Car Gets Stuck on Piece of Gum on Easy Street Peter Lemonjello Staff Writer

Babar even attempted swapping out the car’s AAA batteries for some AAs to give the miniature car a miniature boost, but this was to no avail. A half-hour into the ordeal, the worker phoned Lou Stools, the Dean of Smart Cars to report the tragedy. “When I got the call from Arnold, I sprang from my seat, jumped in my smart car, and sped to the location. I was booking it down Easy Street at a near 6 mph. I then saw the fallen warrior. I immediately knew this was going to

On Friday, March 21, one of the beloved Holy Cross Smart Cars drove over a chewed piece of gum on Easy Street and became stuck. The incident occurred outside Lehy Hall around 2pm. “I slammed on the breaks, but it was too late. I drove right over that freshly chewed piece of Bubblicious. My heart nearly stopped when I realized what had happened,� said Arnold Babar, the physical plant employee operating the two-year-old vehicle at the See SMART, page 17 time of the collision with the sticky substance. Students returning from class were greeted by the roar of the little automobile trying to escape the grasp of the mighty bright pink The little guy moments before the career ending mound of wreck chewing gum.

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THAT’S NEWS TO ME

News Stories from Around the World Moscow, Russia—President Vladimir Putin proudly announced last week that the Russian Federation had successfully annexed Siberia. A top advisor then informed the President that the land was already theirs. Denver, ColoradoÂł&LW\ RIĂ€cials reported a Cheetos shortage. One of those midwestern states that borders the pro-MariMXDQD KDYHQ KDV RIIHUHG WR Ă \ LQ some cheese balls, but Coloradans are surprisingly picky. Washington, D.C.—Studies sponsored by the Smithsonian suggests that Pugs are actually the most intelligent creatures on Earth. Humans come in at a close third behind Shetland Ponies. Pyongyang, North Korea— Kim Jong-un has expressed interest in opening a Cirque du Soleil show from within the country’s border. Through impressive acrobatics, the dictator hopes the show will convey the classic French-Canadian story of a young little boy conquering the world. Bridgeport, Connecticut— This New England city proudly takes back the title of “Most Ratchet City Everâ€? award. Worcester was the previous holder. Somewhere in the Middle East—Something bad probably went down Somewhere in the Mid West— An entire town set record for everyone staying up past 8:30 p.m. To celebrate, they all went out to Steak ‘n’ Shake Somewhere in Middle Earth—Hobbits seeking wage increase in face of wizard bureaucracy Bardstown, Kentucky—Heaven Hill distillery, maker of Burnett’s Vodka, is closing its door after a season of dismal sales following students going on spring break and being duped into drinking quality alcohol for Ă€UVW WLPH Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia— Malaysian airplane joke taken out due to it being “too soonâ€? Worcester, Massachusetts—A small liberal arts college’s newsSDSHU LV XQGHU Ă€UH DIWHU SXEOLVKing a highly insensitive issue

The Crusader

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PREVIEW OF NEXT WEEK’S ISSUE Puppy Mill Discovered in Mulledy Basement

JesRes takes on local convent in a friendly game of tackle football

The Fenwick Review announces plan to begin strictly publishing in Comic Sans

The Crewsader atemps too brake rekord 4 mos tiepos hever

Freshman pre-med student might not actually become a doctor

Boston College is voted “Smelliest Campus� ever

Investigation uncovers Voter Fraud in SGA Elections

Freshmen Female has “Best Night Ever�

College Announces Plans to Sell Smith Bridge Computers to an Antique Dealer

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April 1, 2014

Timehop Causes Severe Scarring Lafonda Just Lafonda Timehop affords one a unique opportunity to delve into their past posts on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and other various social media outlets. One can reminisce on the duck lips phase, the dinner he/ she had a year ago that no one really cared to like on Instagram, or the various Facebook posts that consisted of song lyrics and subliminal hate mail to the people on his/her friend’s list he/she just didn’t have the heart to delete. “Oh god why,� exclaimed Maureen Smith, ’15. “I thought it was cool, you know, everyone was doing [throwing up peace signs in

their pictures] it. I never thought I’d have to see myself doing it again, but there it was, all over my friend’s #tbt post. It was a nightmare.� Smith never expected to see her embarrassment plastered all over her Facebook wall nor did she expect her friends to confront her the next day with accusations that she was and still may be one of “those girls.� Smith’s friend simply clicked the “share this� button, and there the post was, there for the whole world to see. Timehop advocates say the social media outlet is not for the faint of heart. “You really put yourself out there,

and when people share a post you’re tagged in, it’s all over,� said a Timehop representative. Smith continues to assert that she feels violated and ostracized by her peers. “I don’t know how I’m going to get a job now, I mean I was worried about that before, since I’m a Religious Studies major, but still now it’s even worse.� Even the inspirational, blue dinosaur at the bottom of the page couldn’t reassure Smith. “Abe [the dinosaur] told me ‘this day would go down in history along with your wedding day.’ I was so crushed.� Smith’s case is not the only re-

ported instance of emotional scarring. Others have felt the crushing weight of Timehop and feel that the madness should be stopped. “Timehop has proven to me that I cannot trust the Internet. I might even resort to using Myspace again to avoid hideous pictures of myself. This is a violation of my privacy,� quoted from an anonymous user of the social media. Of course, the user’s privacy was violated since he/she put it on social media her/ himself. Just remember folks, once it goes on the Internet it’s on there forever. Think again before you travel down memory lane if you cannot handle the consequences.

Public Safety Condones Vandalism; Directs Culprits to Ugliest Paintings in Smith Tyler Durden Founder of Project Mayhem Lives Alone

Conduct, and previously, vandalism has been considered a blatant violation of those guidelines. However, based on feedback from students, faculty, and staff, it appears that the Last month, Dean of Students recent uptick in vandalism has, in -DFTXHOLQH 3HWHUVRQ QRWLĂ€HG WKH large part, positively affected the Holy Cross community of exten- Holy Cross campus climate. Higher sive damage to Smith and Fenwick rates of vandalism not only detract Halls which followed an act of from instances of interpersonal student vandalism on February 8. violence, but also provide an opThe destruction included several portunity for students to creatively shattered Plexiglas door panels and improve our campus. The departa damaged painting, and occurred ment has elected to cease all efforts shortly after a series of similar to identify students responsible for destructive acts took place in resi- past or future vandalism, effective dence halls across campus. At the immediately.â€? time, Dean Peterson was backed by Public Safety cited several inthe Department of Public Safety in stances of recent vandalism which her denouncement of the acts as “a KDYH VSHFLĂ€FDOO\ LPSURYHG EHDXserious violation of our commu- WLĂ€HG RU RWKHUZLVH EHQHĂ€WHG WKH nity standards.â€? However, as of last Holy Cross campus. week, it appears that circumstances “Obviously, the Smith painting have changed. ZDV D ELJ RQH Âľ VDLG DQ RIĂ€FHU ZKR On Friday, March 21, Public Safe- requested to remain anonymous. “I ty exhibited an unexpected change had to pass the damn thing every of heart regarding the recent bouts morning on my way up to Cool of campus vandalism. In an an- Beans. I should have done it soonnouncement to the campus com- er, honestly.â€? munity at large, a chief Public Safety Faculty from the English departRIĂ€FLDO VWDWHG WKDW WKH GHSDUWPHQW PHQW KRXVHG RQ WKH VHFRQG Ă RRU will no longer actively pursue the of Fenwick close to where the vanprevention of vandalism, viewing it dalism took place, agree that the instead as “one of the more harm- artwork throughout the building less forms of stress relief â€? and should be updated. “I appreciate also as “a form of personal expres- modernity not only in literature, VLRQ QRW ZLWKRXW LWV EHQHĂ€WV WR WKH but in the visual arts as well,â€? said campus community.â€? The message Nadia Reelwahn, an assistant visitwas reportedly prompted by col- ing professor. “There are too many lective faculty relief regarding the outdated pieces, in Smith espedestruction of the painting from cially. As a basic guideline, if it’s Smith, a 19th-century “monstros- been here longer than Sis has, it’s ityâ€? which depicted St. Ignatius of got to go.â€? Public Safety declined Loyola communing with an order to explicitly encourage any destrucof Franciscans. tion of artwork; however, students In response to an interview re- are encouraged to peruse the cataquest, Public Safety issued the fol- logues available in Dinand Library lowing statement: “One of our and note the items which have been duties on campus is to prevent marked with a large red X. violations of the Student Code of Another very popular act of

“campus improvementâ€? took place RQ WKH VHFRQG Ă RRU RI :KHHOHU Hall in January. One Saturday night, DQ XQLGHQWLĂ€HG VWXGHQW VDFULĂ€FHG D MDU RI 1XWHOOD IRU WKH EHQHĂ€W RI his fellow residents, spreading the sweet-smelling treat over the corridor walls to mask the stench of imminent alcoholism. “The walls kind of needed new paint anyway,â€? said one resident. “I just wish he had used more than one jar.â€? The heroic act prompted others to follow suit in “re-paintingâ€? the building. Only one Wheeler resident went too far in her efforts to emulate the Nutella perpetrator, accidentally defefacing her dorm room in the process. The empty jars have yet to be found. Last Friday’s announcement sparked an immediate wave of enthusiasm which culminated in VHYHUDO IUHVKPHQ VHWWLQJ Ă€UH WR )LWton Field, reportedly to “put Holy Cross football on the map.â€? Despite students’ initial reaction, however, it has since become apparent that not every student is thrilled about the recent policy developments. Sophomore Pradya Poutpourr is one of several campus residents who have already begun a small, but passionate campaign against the new vandalism policy. “It’s way too cold outside to be kicking out door panels,â€? Poutpourr said on Monday between sips of her lowfat caramel iced latte. “If people keep on doing that, Vineyard Vines will literally need to develop, like, a whole new line of outerwear.â€? Meanwhile, senior Blake Cass has his own objections. “The new policy just seems illogical to me,â€? said Cass. “Public Safety tied its own hands. They put a seal of approval on something that will ultimately end up being very damaging, for D VLQJOH VXSHUĂ€FLDO UHDVRQ ZKLFK

PDUJLQDOO\ EHQHĂ€WV D SULYLOHJHG few. The announcement seemed like something the Fenwick Review would write, to be honest. They should hang their heads in shame.â€? Cass is receiving treatment for his gunshot wounds and is slated to be discharged from the hospital on Tuesday. Despite minor discontent, the campus community’s response to the new policy has been overwhelmingly positive. Many students are already planning their next acts of drunken debauchery. “I mean, now that basically all vandalism is sanctioned by the school, you can’t go wrong,â€? said a sophomore ZKR LGHQWLĂ€HV KLPVHOI DV -RRO DND “Joe Cool.â€? “I can’t tell you what I’m planning to do, except that it involves hosting a kegger on the roof of Fenwick.â€? According to hearsay, at least eighteen students in Mulledy forced triples are now considering knocking down walls in protest. Seniors Mary Huana and Roland Blunt reportedly intend to “break into the greenhouseâ€? with an undisclosed objective, and one freshman biology major is even rumored to be cultivating an army of clones to methodically vandalize every restroom stall on campus. “We usually hate to see students take policy so seriously,â€? said a FKLHI 3XEOLF 6DIHW\ RIĂ€FLDO GXULQJ what he clearly assumed would be an off-the-record interview. “Obviously, the highlight of this job is arresting students for violations. It’s a huge adrenaline rush. I’ll miss that. But I won’t lie; this gives us way less work to do, so I’m cool with it. We should have done it years ago. P.S., you’re welcome.â€? Next on the list for Public Safety: alcohol decriminalization.  Â

Do you want to start writing for The Fenwick Review? Are you known by your friends as “Radical?� Let them know! Email them at doglover199709@fenwickreview.com

The Crusader OPINIONS

Opinions

April 1, 2014

5

The Pulse of Events

“The Pulse of Events”: a page dedicated to the debates of our times. This week’s topic: Nothing At All!!! Anarchy!

Problematic Behavior Among Student Body Some High-up Official in Administration Staff Writer Wannabe Recently, members of the Holy Cross Administration, including myself, have noticed some new problematic behaviors among students. We have been working together with Public Safety, Health Services, and the Counseling Center to try to address the following issues.

dents. Students have claimed that they are reading every email Holy Cross sends them, which has taken up all their time. Professors recommend that students just simply delete most of the emails because only one out of every 50 emails actually pertains to each student.

1. Students being transported after overdosing on tums following binge-eating episodes at Kimball: Dining Services has taken note of the fact that some students are binge-eating at Kimball. Foods that students tend to binge on include the seafood salad, fish fillet sandwiches, and thai sunbutter tofu satay. The administration is especially concerned with the fact that students have chosen these foods considering the fact that no one in Dining Services would dare eat them.

3. More students taking 8 a.m. classes on Thursdays and Fridays: This semester, more students are taking early classes on Thursday and Friday mornings than in previous semesters. Professors were not expecting this and are upset over the large class sizes they have to deal with on these mornings. One young professor explains that “getting up on Thursday and Friday mornings are usually pretty rough for me, and I rely on the fact that students don’t sign up for my 8 a.m. classes.” Students have responded to teachers by asserting how they are most productive on these mornings and prefer to just get classes over with early on in the day.

2. Reading every single email Holy Cross sends students: The faculty has raised concerns about a lack in productivity and completion of homework assignments by stu-

4. Signing up for major presentations on St. Patrick’s Day: This past St. Patrick’s Day was a popular day for presentations and major assignments. Professors went to the

administration with the concerning fact that many students signed up to give presentations on this day. One glassy eyed student slurred a response, saying that because St. Patrick’s Day was on a Monday nobody wanted to celebrate on a school day. 5. Females hosting Diet Coke keggers: Pub Safe has been called numerous times by RAs who have been having a difficult time containing Diet Coke keggers. Female students have allegedly been emptying out kegs of beer and refilling them with Diet Coke. RAs claim that Diet Coke keggers are by far the most rowdy parties to deal with. Pub Safe questions students’ motivation for taking the time to empty out a perfectly good full keg a beer and replacing it with soda. 6. Students ask for financial aid after Vineyard Vines sale: The Financial Aid Office has had an influx in students applying for financial aid. The office was confused about why students would start applying midway through the semester, and an investigation has shown that following a major Vineyard Vines sale, more students are in need of financial aid. Distressed

Sorry, Sanchez Jackie Bellando Staff Writer As a Giants football fan (my apologizes to the occasional Patriots fan you’ll find on campus–the Pats are second on my list, don’t you worry), you can bet I was shocked to find recently sacked Mark Sanchez on my doorstep last weekend. I was home on Long Island, and my dad opened the door to see the still quite handsome, but undoubtedly depressed, exJet quarterback waiting quietly. Dressed in his used-to-be favorite green (“Sadly, it’s all I own,” he told me), Mark walked into my house and scanned the premises; but why was he, the icon of a still-losing franchise, at my house? He approached my dad, who was appropriately standing next to his two-page newspaper cutout of Eli Manning pinned to the fridge. “Is it true, do you have one?” He asked him--my dad, not Eli--eagerly. My dad raised his eyebrows, confused, but

still he was eager to know why the quarterback of his love-tohate NFL team was sulking in our kitchen. Mark raised his hand and made a throwing motion. “Is that what you meant to do with the butt fumble?” my dad asked, laughing. Mark frowned, but my dad nodded back, seeming to know what the green man was looking for. We walked upstairs to my parent’s bedroom. Tucked away in the corner of the closet was my dad’s most prized possession: a gleaming white football, complete with authentic signatures of every member of the Super Bowl’s latest winning team, the Giants. Mark’s eyes brightened. “Yes,” his voice dragged out, “That’s it – proof of a winning team.” Apparently, he explained, only three footballs like this existed in New York (“I can’t go anywhere else in the tri-state area without my private plane... which I no longer have,” he said), and he wanted to see one before he retired for good.

He flashed an ESPN-worthy smile at me as I took a photo of him holding the football, on his iPhone. Then, the three of us walked downstairs to the kitchen once more. Mark stared at the fridge. “I’m leaving New York,” he told us, stating the obvious. My mom had just said she felt bad for the poor guy this morning after hearing about his being fired--and not traded--on the news. “I don’t know how you do it.” He motioned to the fridge, where I swear Eli’s eyes were perfectly meeting his own. Finally lowering his head, we led him out where he had come in. “And the worst part is...they replaced me with a dog killer!” His words escaped with a muffled cry, and Mr. Sanchez made a quick exit out to his rented limo. It sped away, and my dad shook his head, “and THAT is why I hate the Jets.”

students have been coming into the Counseling Center, worried about how they will be able to buy more clothing from the store when the next sale comes along. One preppy student complains that in today’s world, it is hard maintaining a preppy image and paying for college. 7. Silent ragers in the Dinand stacks: Dinand staff has reported that students are organizing silent ragers in the Dinand stacks during the week, usually starting around midnight and continuing until 3 a.m. The staff reports that it was not aware that the ragers were happening until a staff member had to return a book and found students dancing silently with no music. Counseling Services is concerned that the new trend could have negative psychological consequences, and encourages students to hold ragers in a more exciting environment. 8. Students petitioning to make second-year Montserrat courses an option: The Montserrat program has had such a positive impact on some students that they want the College to have courses available to second-year students. Montserrat professors declined to

comment and unanimously denied the petition. Students are extremely confused by the situation and are encouraging the administration to explain to professors the benefits of the Montserrat program. 9. Making 24-hour quiet hours mandatory: Many students have gone to the administration wanting to apply the finals study period rule to the entire semester. Mostly upperclassmen are supporting the idea. One senior who has never gone to Dinand said, “Now that I’m a senior, I am taking upperlevel classes and need as much quiet time to do my work as possible. My sleeping schedule is more rigid on the weekends, and I need the quiet hours rule during this time.” 10. Extending freshman orientation to a week: Recent polls of the student body indicate that freshman orientation was too short. The Gateways Orientation Program has been very reluctant to the idea of extending orientation, claiming that they don’t want to have to go to any more group activities than necessary.

Creative Writers... or Future Dictators??? Ben Dover Guest Writer

They walk amongst us as our peers. They blend in, acting as if they are just ordinary students. Behind this friendly facade, they have a dark secret: They are trying to conquer the world. I am talking, of course, about those who identify themselves as creative writers. Now, you may find “these people” to be gregarious, even-keeled, and perhaps even ruggedly handsome. Do not be fooled. For within their courses, their closeddoor “workshops,” they are practicing an ancient and most evil art: Emotional Manipulation. Pause for dramatic effect. The typical creative writer learns to manipulate anywhere between fifty and a hundred emotions throughout its (let’s stop using him/her pronouns and face facts: they aren’t people) career as a concentrator. While good Crusaders study the arts of biology, sociology,

philosophy, art, economics, and other disciplines, creative writers are taught how to play God. This must stop. We, as a campus, must rise up and stop these writers. We must destroy their spirits by telling them that their work is bad; that we are un-entertained, unmoved by their words. Yes, it will probably be a lie (let’s face it, they’re good at what they do), but it is the only way for us to maintain our sanity, our independence. For if we let them run rampant, they may warp their words to make us think and feel things that, quite frankly, we would prefer not to. Imagine the horror! An entire student body reduced to mere puppets by the words of a few swarthy...things. Stand with me. Reject creative writers. Reveal them for what they are:

EVIL WORDSMITHS!

6 The Crusader

OPINIONS

April 1, 2014

Best and Worst Bathrooms on Campus Sigmund Fraud Staff Writer Before I get into the nuts and bolts of the best/worst bathrooms on campus, I’ll start by giving a few disclaimers: 1. Rankings 10-6 are the worstbathrooms on campus and 5-1 are the best bathrooms. 2. Dorm bathrooms don’t count— shout out Mulledy 3 East, congrats guys, you did it, you beat the system. 3. These are men’s bathroom rankings. However, I’ve heard from different sources that the “ambiance” of each bathroom is similar for both men and women. With that, here are my power rankings for the best and worse bathrooms on campus: 10. Bathrooms in the middle floors of Dinand Regardless if you’re going 1 or 2, you always come out smelling like 2. In my four years here I don’t think I’ve ever seen these bathrooms get cleaned. However, there is clearly a priority to add an extra soap dispenser under the mirror versus cleaning it. 9. Crossroads Bathroom The dungeon. The dark blue walls and stalls are claustrophobic. If

you’re in there at the wrong time you can hear the band from the practice room which takes all rhythm and flow (if you will) out of the bathroom experience. Lastly, these are the only bathrooms in Hogan that the school didn’t “fix.” Going from the third floor bathroom in Hogan to the Crossroads bathroom is like going from the Taj Mahal to a scene out of Slumdog Millionaire.

down one of the knobs in order for the water to run. While this happens you’re only able to wash one hand at once. But after washing that hand you then put your “clean” hand back onto the dirty knob that you were initially holding to wash your other hand. No wonder we get emails from Martha Sullivan about the constant spread of germs on campus…

8. Lower Kimball Men’s bathroom with weird doors that lead into stalls As a senior, I still don’t know which is the correct door to use to get into the bathroom. There are two doors that lead into either a separate stall, or the bathroom where the stall is. You definitely don’t want to walk in on someone taking care of business in the separate stall, so 9 times out of 10 you go into the main doored bathroom. This bathroom is just as confusing as the Minotaur’s Labyrinth. Once you walk in, though, it smells just as bad as #10 does on the list.

6. Science Café Men’s Bathroom Horrible toilet paper dispenser. The poor janitor must have to clean up scraps of TP off the floor that immediately rip at the point of contact. Also, similar to #7, this bathroom has a horrible sink. The motion sensor works for half a second so you find yourself dancing with your hands under the faucet trying to get the water to turn back on.

7. 2nd Floor Stein Bathroom with the horrible sinks Whoever implemented the sinks in this bathroom clearly doesn’t understand engineering or plumbing. When you try to wash your hands, you have to physically hold

5. 2nd Floor Dinand Despite a heated debate with friends and roommates, this one makes the cut for me. I like going to this one because it doesn’t smell as bad as #10 and it’s not as much of a social experience as the bathroom on the bottom floor of Dinand. I like going up here to take care of business because it gets me away from my school work for 1015 minutes and also allows me to

The Art of “Ratchet” Lindsay Lohan Wannabe This article isn’t about me at all “Let’s get ratchet and find a party,” I overheard on a Friday night. Now, if that doesn’t set the tone for the weekend, I don’t know what will. How could there ever be a better way to kick off the weekend? Having the goal of “getting ratchet” is a wonderful idea, ending in copious amounts of stories you don’t remember, and of course, embarrassment. Who doesn’t love to be embarrassed? It starts off okay – you and your friends goofing off, trying to find the most “party appropriate” outfit. Maybe you’ve got some music playing to get you pumped for the party you have yet to find, but it’s all okay because you’re already having a good time. And of course, because you have yet to find a party to show off your “ratchetness” that you’re oh, so proud of, you wind up wildly texting everyone you know to find one. Finally, someone from your calculus class tells you that some guys are “throwing it down” in Mulledy. However, you get so caught up in your pre-party excitement that

you forget that it’s only thirty degrees outside. And since Mulledy is at the end of the Earth, you wind up trekking across campus in the freezing wind in your shortest skirt and tightest tank. You’re obviously going to freeze to death on the way there, but you didn’t think of that. Good plan. So, you’ve survived the frigid journey across campus, and you’re finally partying! You’re having so much fun, despite your feet screaming out for mercy because you decided that six-inch pumps fit perfectly into your chosen stereotype of the night, and everything is finally great! You even decided that tonight’s the night you show everyone how great of a dancer you are (nobody can twerk like you can, girlfriend! Nobody!), and you even challenge one of the guys to a contest; but don’t worry, your Miley Cyrus twerk is sure to make you win. You then proceed to boast to everyone of your dancing abilities, attempt to flirt with random strangers, and lose your phone every five minutes. Just a hint: it’s in your pocket, where you found it the last time you “lost” it. At this point, one of your friends has become your bab-

ysitter. They try to get you to eat food, leave the party, and go to bed (what a buzz kill, right? I mean it’s only two AM). After much nagging, your friend has finally dragged you through the cold, across Mount St. James, back to your residence hall-–but you’re not ready for the night to end! Then, through a series of events that you cannot remember, you find yourself sitting on the dirty floor of the basement, asking people how you got there. The next day is filled with people telling you about all the outrageous things you did and said, followed by intense feelings of embarrassment and regret (“Did I really do that? Who is Alex, and why is he texting me? Did I really say that I could twerk better than Miley Cyrus?”), but hey! Who doesn’t love that? Besides, you’ve got some good stories to tell now. Or not tell. On second thought, keep those in close company. These girls are obviously the coolest girls at Holy Cross, and we all should aspire to spend our Friday nights just like they do. The whole goal is to have fun! So, party on, and stay “ratchet.”

get lost in social media. I think I once spent 45 minutes in this bathroom because of how it’s so quiet and so isolated from everything. A definite hidden gem for me. 4. 2nd Floor Smith Fairly clean bathroom with a handicapped stall is an easy no brainer at #4. Those who have seen the Curb Your Enthusiasm episode about handicapped bathrooms can empathize with me about the anxiety experienced when using a handicapped bathroom. Smith is one of the cleanest buildings on campus, so I have no problem taking care of business here. 3. 3rd Floor Hogan Because this bathroom is on the same floor as the Ballroom, you know the school has paid its dues to make sure you have an enjoyable “number two.” With various conventions, events, and proms coming to the third floor, the school had to make sure it has a nice and presentable bathroom. This bathroom is not only clean, but the sink countertops are a nicer material than the ones in my kitchen at my actual house. The automatic paper towel dispenser is a nice touch as well. Is there enough evidence now to support my #9 theory about visiting the Taj Mahal versus a port-

a-potty in Slumdog Millionaire? 2. 3rd Floor Smith near the Faculty Bathroom I’ll say it again, Smith is the cleanest building on campus. The higher you go up in the building, the cleaner the bathrooms get. There is a direct correlation to causation for clean building to enjoyable bathroom experience. The only problem about this bathroom is that it is kind of isolated from everything else. Rarely do I find myself on the third floor of Smith—unless I’m going to office hours for a History of the Early Church class. 1. Admissions/Fenwick First Floor Call me crazy but seeing the faces of former Presidents of the College is a nice touch before taking a two-zie. I always find myself saying, “so that’s who [every campus building] was named after,” every time I walk down the hall to this bathroom. Going to the bathroom is all about the experience. I feel comfortable here on the first floor of Fenwick. Having the campus’s best bathroom near the admissions office is key for potential incoming students. You want them to feel as comfortable as possible at HC, and that experience could very easily start in the bathroom.

Hey, Have You Read The Eggplant This Week? Pat Loftus Resident Jerk In a recent survey conducted on campus, students were asked what motivates them to read the satirical section of the school newspaper, “The Eggplant.” Fifty percent of students responded said they had no idea what the hell that was, while ten percent thought I was referring to the vegetarian option in Kimball on chicken-parm night. However, forty percent of those surveyed said something along the lines of, “Ehhhh I don’t really go out of my way to read it until Brendan Higgins asked me if I read his article, so then after I lie and tell him that I did, I am guilted into reading a copy.” It seemed that forty percent of the time, “The Eggplant” was read one hundred percent of the time because of this mysterious “Higgins” character. So who is this Brendan Higgins? Could he possibly be as unfunny as Pete Carlino says he is? Is he really on the lax team like he told everyone at

freshmen orientation? The first clue I was able to uncover in my investigation was about the section of the newspaper you are reading right now!! Yes, the guy I had been sending my articles to for the past semester, who I thought was the editor of “The Eggplant,” is in fact being impersonated by *dun dun dun* BRENDAN HIGGINS! I took to the streets to find out more. I approached Kevin Cruse, a man recently under attack in Higgins’ Eggplant for being the best intramural athlete at the school (SCUBA CANCUN FOREVER YO!). What Kevin had to say was shocking to say the least. “Yea I know Higgins. He always hits me with a, ‘Hey Cruse, you still dating that Julia girl?’ ” Kevin said this was a common opening line of Higgins’ to many people around campus, as Higgins attempts to make a joke about whatever relationship that he obviously knows you’re in. Cruse continued, “He then tells some very “Dad-like” jokes I

have heard thirty times and rolls away on a longboard.” As I dug deeper, it seemed like Brendan was infatuated with telling the same jokes over, and over, and over again. His “Dadlike” humor that Kevin referred to, I discovered, could potentially be a biproduct of Brendan being the oldest of fifteen boys. Brendan’s little brothers are all very much cooler than him. In fact, one of them plays lax at Georgetown in case Brendan failed to tell you. Brendan, contrary to what he communicated to anyone who would listen at the beginning of freshmen year, is NOT on the lacrosse team. However, Brendan does play a “sport” here. “Sport” is pretty generous terminol ogy, as Higgins is a member of the Men’s Diving Team. Brendan actually being on an athletic team aside, I had to understand more about what was influencing him Go to page 8, ya filthy animal

The Crusader OPINIONS

April 1, 2014

7

Jon Favreau, One of Film’s Finest, To Deliver 2014 Commencement Address Garrett Bych Opinions Co-Editor

Last week, Holy Cross announced that Jon Favreau, one of the most popular directors in Hollywood, will be giving the Commencement Address at the College of the Holy Cross on May 23rd, 2014. Favreau’s illustrious career began most-notably with his breakthrough role in the film Swingers in 1996, alongside funnyman Vince Vaughn. Shortly after Swingers, where Favreau also highlighted as a screenwriter, his career took off and he quickly appeared on a variety of movie sets in the late 1990s. Unfortunately for Favreau, his life took an interesting yet unexpected turn at the end of the 1990s when he declared he would take a brief hiatus from filmmaking to attend The College of the Holy Cross, and pursue his true passion: political science. Remarkably, Favreau did not miss a single beat and even moonlighted in Washington D.C. for a semester as an intern for thenSenator John Kerry. After graduating with honors in 2003 from Holy Cross, Favreau asserted in his valedictory address, “Filmmaking is way better than this sh@%.” After being booed by thousands of angered family members and fellow graduates, Favreau quickly

departed Worcester, and has yet to return to this day. Thus, the College is even more proud to welcome Mr. Favreau back in May, as he apparently liked Holy Cross so much that he is willing to traverse back into the depths of Worcester in order to give an expletiveriddled address once again! Although Favreau broke through with Swingers in 1996, he certainly had many successes in his post-Holy Cross career, and the Theatre department on the Hill takes credit for each and every one of such successes, although Favreau reportedly took East Asian Studio Art for his Theatre/Music requirement. Nonetheless, in the fall of 2003, just three months after departing Mount St. James, Favreau achieved his first directing success,

with the extremely popular, Elf, starring Will Ferrell. Favreau’s acumen for direction and production

eryone gave the credit for the films solely to Downey Jr., Favreau wittily replied, “Get that camera out

did not go unnoticed, and shortly thereafter, he signed on to lead the directing team in the Iron Man films, which have grossed millions of dollars worldwide and helped to revamp the career of Robert Downey Jr. When asked why ev-

of my face.” Favreau is expected to release the details of his next big project when he comes to Worcester in May, and Holy Cross students all over campus are ecstatic about it. “Maybe there will be an Iron Man

Unique Female Student Wanted by Public Safety Bishop Fenwick Guest Writer Public Safety is currently investigating a theft which took place late last Friday night in Stein. Fortunately, several eyewitnesses were able to give highly specific descriptions of the girl’s appearance. Reported to be of about normal height with hair which was described as “brown... or maybe dirty blonde... with a Lululemon headband and tied back into a bun” the culprit is still at large. Another eyewitness stated, “Yeah, she was wearing yoga pants, I hope that narrows it down.” A third witness said, “I even spoke to her, she told me she is premed and orgo is literally killing her. She even went on to say that she #Can’tEven.” An insider within public safety leaked that the office received an anonymous tip that the girl can be found in Loyola gym a few times per week on an elliptical. Rumors that Public Safety officers are organizing a sting operation are unconfirmed. Reports indicate that the girl is from a small town in the northeast and enjoys listening to “Timber” while pre-gaming. Speculation that the girl enjoys watching House of Cards and Breaking Bad are unsubstantiated, but Public Safety has announced that they can confirm the girl “has literally seen every episode of Sex and the City. You have no idea.” In attempting to determine a motive, Public Safety’s dominant theory in the theft was sparked as a response to the closing of a popular social destination. The suspect was reported as saying, “Like yeah, Leitrim’s is fun but I miss Salty... Remember that time [name redacted] and [name redacted] both rode the bull together? Haha I can’t even.”

When pressed for a comment, [name redacted] declined by saying, “I can’t even.” Witnesses reported that the girl stuffed her stolen good, an iPhone 5S, into her Longchamp bag before grabbing her venti caramel mocha skinny latte from “S-Bucks” and fleeing the scene. New information is emerging that the girl went away during Spring break. Conflicting rumors indicate the girl either went to Punta Cana or on an immersion trip, both of which are reported to have “literally changed her life.” When asked whether this was merely an act of drunken debauchery, Public Safety reported, “It is possible. We can confirm that this girl drinks vodka on the weekends and occasionally some wine when she is ‘just having a girls night.’ We also know for a fact that she does not drink beer--too many calories.” An unconfirmed source has indicated that the girl believes “Luke Bryan is to die for” and frequently states, “‘The Notebook’ is my favorite movie but I still can’t get Tommy to watch it with me.” In conclusion, Public Safety asks that you remain vigilant while this highly dangerous fugitive is on the loose. Law Enforcement remains highly confident they will catch the suspect, one officer even went so far as to boast, “Look, we know for a fact that this girl wears yoga pants, goes out to Leitrims, and drinks Starbucks. That alone will be enough to identify her. Throw in the fact that we know she saw a friend ride the bull at Salty?! This case is a slam dunk!” At the time of this article’s release, Public Safety had named “literally 99% of the girls at Holy Cross” suspects.

4,” remarked the thoughtful Daniel Brew, ’14. “I hope this time his movie will actually be good” asserted the over-eager Henry Callegary, ’14. Regardless of what his next production may be, Holy Cross students can’t wait to hear about it. Many members of the graduating class, however, had hoped for a little bit more from their commencement speaker. “Why can’t he bring Will Ferrell or Robert Downey Jr. along with him?” asked a somewhat-disappointed Jennifer Lillis, ’14. Less subtly, Andrew Cavicchi, ’14 quipped, “I would rather listen to literally anyone else.” When an always-annoying member of the Hollywood Reporter team relayed this message to Favreau, he simply responded, “These kids suck.” Our team here at The Crusader has yet to discover whether Favreau actually plans on attending in May following this recent development, but regardless, there is sure to be plenty of drama come May 23rd.

8 The Crusader

OPINIONS

April 1, 2014

Forced Triple is the New Norm: Student Body Rejoices Jonathan Thompson Worships Megan Izzo When I was assigned to be in a forced triple in the everpopular Mulledy this past August, I was simply overjoyed at the prospect of getting to know not only one, but two new classmates. I knew immediately that this living arrangement would offer me the smoothest transition from high school to college. Nearly every other person I’ve spoken to who is also in a forced triple has felt the same way. The close proximity truly makes for a more personal experience; I feel like I really know my roommates. It’s been life-changing getting to know two of my peers on such an intimate level. I have absolutely loved sharing everything with two other people: from the fridge to the TV and closets, it’s been an extraordinary bonding experience. I truly think every student

should live in a forced triple for at least one year at HC. It’s the kind of experience that could change a person forever. I now only want to live in small spaces where I’m practically on top of those who I live with. The forced triple offers not only a cozy and welcoming environment, but also one that lends itself to productivity and academic success. Having friends over in a forced triple is simply awesome because it’s like one giant party! One Wheeler resident says, “It’s so great! The lack of space when we all have our friends over only makes for a more intimate setting-we all have gotten to know each other so well and I love it so much.” I must say my favorite part about living in a forced triple is throwing it back to my childhood and sleeping on the top bunk. I feel like my seven year old self up there and sometimes

at night while looking up at my ceiling, I can’t help but feel like the luckiest boy in the world. “Bunks are the best”, one Mulledy resident tells me, “Sometimes in the morning I wake up and bang my head on the ceiling, I don’t even really need an alarm clock!” Yet another benefit of living in a forced triple is that you save an abundance of money from having such little space to store your belongings. I personally have not been able to purchase much at all this year, which my parents have been very thankful for. I also love how my roommates and I feel so comfortable sharing each other’s belongings. Whether it’s food, school supplies, or even clothing, we’ve gotten to be so close that we really enjoy sharing with one another. While never having the room to yourself might seem annoying, believe me when I say it is an absolute blessing being in the pres-

ence of your roommates 24/7. They will most definitely become your best friends, as the forced triple is highly conducive to this; I can personally attest to this fact, as my roommates and I are practically inseparable. We text each other incessantly throughout the day, as we always want to know what is going on with each other. I really couldn’t imagine my living situation being any other way. I hope that I’ve swayed you toward wanting to live in a forced triple next year. Living in a Mulledy forced triple has been quite possibly the most amazing experience of my life and I will be heartbroken if I cannot continue my college journey in the same living condition next year. Please take my word that the forced triple is the best housing option here at Holy Cross; I promise you will not be sorry if you request one come housing time!

You guys give up yet? Or are you thirsty for more? to seek out responses from almost everyone who actually reads “The Eggplant.” To truly comprehend Higgins, it seemed, one had to define his style. This task, I soon realized, was almost impossible. Comparing his full trunk of Vineyard Vines clothing and his passion for longboarding and laxing, to his circular glasses and infatuation with Action Bronson, the fundamental question had to be asked. Is Brendan Higgins a “bro” or a “hipster?” Answer: I have no idea…and this really scares me. The potential for mass destruction of fitting into general stereotypes at Holy Cross that Brendan brings to the table is extremely dangerous. How annoying is it that he tries to be friendly with a lot of people? WHAT IS HE TRYING TO GET OUT OF THAT?! Someone needs to stop him…but is that possible? The answer to that last question is unknown. I only pray that this madman never takes a shot at Chaminade in an article ever again, we all know what happened last time. Thankfully he was put in his place. All in all, the mystery of “Brendan Higgins” is still not fully solved. Yes, the rest is still unwritten. Next Week’s Undercover Report: Could Greg Dunn literally be any more hung on Sunday morning?

,

The Roving Reporter

What’s your spirit animal?

“Myself.” -Kanye West

“Garhdghshshbenfn.” (Myself) -The Staff Llama

“A turtle.” -Mitch McConnell

“A lamb.” - Sis

“Chris Bosh.” - A Pterodactyl

“An Oscar.” -Leonardo DiCaprio

Compiled by: the girl who walks Hogan asking questions & stealing photos from your Facebook.

The Crusader FEATURES

Features

Crusader of the Week: Abroad Kid ‘15 Lief Ericson Still Here Hometown: Once Summit, NJ, now Galway, Ireland Major: Netflix, minor in world travel Best Dorm: Youth hostel Favorite Animal: The camel I rode in Morocco Favorite Book: Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert Favorite Color: Green, white, and gold

Favorite Movie: Eurotrip Favorite Song: This techno song from Sweden you probably haven’t heard of Favorite TV Show: Downton Abbey Favorite Meal On Campus: Where is

that? Favorite Professor: Haven’t been to class yet Favorite Off-Campus Restaurant: Jules Verne Restaurant, at the top of the Eiffel Tower Campus Activities: Muploads, Netflix, Skype, requesting money from parents, still finding things to complain about Advice for fellow Crusaders: GO ABROAD! DO THE YEAR! Guilty Pleasure: My 3pm siesta Embarrassing Story: I just recently realized that Sesame Chicken is called Sesame Chicken because there are sesame seeds on it... Hobbies: Dancing, meeting locals (kids from Fairfield and Loyola Chicago), getting lost, posing for photoshoots, seeing how many likes I get on my cover photo Pet Peeve: Actual locals Starbucks Drink: They don’t have those here. Number One Thing On Your HC Bucket List: Readjust to real life Your Mantra: “Where we goin’ next?” Twitter or Instagram: Instagram, how else would people see my pictures of Prague? Crossroads or Kimball: LOL Where Do You See Yourself In Ten Years?: Fingers crossed I graduate, back in Ireland?! I go where the wind takes me. Goals for Second Semester: One class a week, two countries a week.

The Joys of Kimball

Behind the Scenes of HC’s Most Coveted Job The Phantom of Kimball The Anonymous Author I think I speak for everyone when I say that there is no job more coveted than a position in Kimball Dining Hall. Those few so honored with the opportunity can only praise their labor of love. The uniform itself speaks volumes: crisp, clean, rubber gloves in diverse sizes so no hand goes un-cradled. Freshly washed, carefully folded aprons, stylishly black, and tied just right to compliment any body shape. If you choose not to finish your ensemble with your very own baseball cap, you have the freedom of wearing breathable, comfortable, nearinvisible hairnets that keep those annoying fly-aways grounded. Gentlemen, have no fear, if you ever worry about the care of your facial hair, of course Kimball’s uniform is designed to accommodate you and your man-scape. After all, hairnets aren’t only for the head! But the fun doesn’t stop there. Just wait until you pass through those kitchen doors and see the wonders beyond! You could be a Breaker, a vital component of the Kimball kitche line where not only is your expertise in organization and cleanliness put to the

test, but your competitive nature released as well. Or perhaps you like a little spa treatment, working intimately with the warm, luxurious mist of Kimball’s brand new, top-of-the-line dishwasher as a Pitcher, or even a Catcher (those stylish heat-resistant rubber gloves are at the cutting edge of kitchen technology)! Maybe you prefer a little exercise and the challenging fun of find-and-seek excitement putting utensils and dishes away. You could even be the smiling face of Kimball greeting students on Hot Run, or bring the refreshing gift of beverages to everyone on Beverage Units! But that’s not all. If you’re lucky, you could have the monumental responsibility of cleaning up after your fellow classmates and keeping Kimball spotless. There is a certain joy seeing another student sit down to a freshly washed table you’ve just cleaned and taking full advantage of the spotless surface to enjoy their meal. After all, cleaning it a second time only enhances the experience! Yes, there is nothing quite like Kimball. If you ever find yourself wondering just what to do with your time on a Saturday afternoon or Friday evening, why not pick up an extra shift? What could be better than earning money and having fun?

April 1, 2014

9

Faculty Spolight Mayor Rob Ford Hannah Shaw Features Co-Editior If you haven’t met Holy Cross’s political science professor, Mayor Rob Ford, here’s the perfect opportunity! If you’ve never heard of him, that’s probably because he’s Canadian. He teaches mostly ethics classes (gather ye religion requirements while ye may, rumor has it, he gives As – rumor also has it he’ll be the last to notice if you show up to class tipsy). On his off days, he still works as mayor of Toronto… sometimes. It’s better to be on Mount Saint James anyway. Wary students look out: Ford’s the hefty one who occasionally has, as Ford puts it, “smoked crack cocaine… probably in one of my drunken stupors.” Ford arrived at Holy Cross just a few months

ago after most of his mayoral power was awarded to Deputy Mayor Kelly, feeling that college life might be a bit more warm and fuzzy about his substance habits. So far, Ford feels pretty at home. “You don’t have to apologize for being hammered,” Ford says, af-

ter having to apologize for public drunkenness back in November. College life is certainly the life for Ford, though he never completed his political science degree, only attending Carleton University in Ottawa for

one year. He quit to pursue his professional football career and somehow ended up in politics – The Progressive Conservative Party of Ontario. Who knew? I for one really would have thought the whole pro-football career would have worked out. “At least Holy Cross knows how to celebrate Saint Patrick’s Day,” says Ford, a patron of Saint Patrick’s Day celebration. His most wild party to date: inside the City Hall Mayor’s Office! In the spirit of Saint Patrick’s day, Ford strolled in his drunken ways through City Hall, cursing off City Hall security as he went. But all is well, Rob Ford is still mayor after all. In title. Despite the slight discrepancy, Ford intends to run for the 2014 mayoral elections. Spread the word, vote for Ford.

Astrologer Weekly: It’s All A Lie! Hannah Shaw Resident Astrologyer For my weekly readers who’ve been following their astrology updates, I’m sorry to say it, but astrology is all made up! You think I have any idea what I’m actually writing about on a week-to-week basis? Not a clue. What I do, actually, is quite scientific! I induce the Barnum Effect. For the non-psychology majoring readers among us, the Barnum Effect is when people assume that a passage that has been “tailored for them” is actually tailored for them when in reality, it’s full of generalizations that may only be partially true. So, yes, this does directly apply to things like star-sign trait lists and horoscopes. The sixth moon of Jupiter is moving past Venus so this month Cancers must find love - or wishful thinking. The other thing that goes on here is called Self-Fulfilling Prophecy. So as the ramblings of the fictitious horoscope go, a Cancer who falls victim to Self-Fulfilling Prophecy in all likelihood will find love. Self-Fulfilling Prophecy is

one of those things that actually can make horoscopes come true in a few ways, but guess what - it’s not magic, it’s psychology. The way Self-Fulfilling Prophecy works is that the individual acquires some kind of expectation of what is going to happen, and that can happen in any number of different ways, but because of these expectations, the individual is actually subconsciously moving in a way to meet that expectation, regardless of whether or not they actually want it to happen. So in my example, when Ms. Cancer hears she is going to definitely find love within the next four weeks, she might subconsciously start acting a little bit flirtier, start walking a little more confidently, and even take the initiative to ask Mr. Scorpio out on a date. The horoscope didn’t technically lie in that instance, but Ms. Cancer didn’t find love because of some mystical force. She did that all on her own. This same concept can be applied to why “bad” kids never go to college. It’s not magic. And that, my lovely readers, is why it’s so easy

to fall for a horoscope! Now, let’s talk about all the things that I can’t believe the zodiac enthusiasts actually believe. First: You are your sign. Now that baffles me. There’s twelve signs. Pisces are the creative ones. If you’re not a Pisces, you probably should never pick up a paintbrush. Hmmm… How do we explain, then, people like Salvador Dali? He, in fact, is Taurus. Taurus are supposed to be logical, down to earth, and possessive. Dali? I don’t see it. Van Gogh wasn’t a Pisces either. Traits are not dependent on the month you were born. They just aren’t. Second is what qualifies you to be a member of your sign: it’s your birthday, just your birthday, something you have absolutely no control over supposedly predicts who you are and what kind of person you have to be. That just sounds like some Medieval logic like habitus: once a serf, always a serf and no good at anything else. That’s just stupid! I really don’t understand why people actually buy into this stuff. And Third: April Fools…

FEATURES

10 The Crusader

Earlier this month, the Irish Catholic Student Confederation held its annual “St. Patrick’s Day” celebration. The day was organized by the small number of Irish Catholics on campus to celebrate Irish Catholic cultural traditions and to help dispel negative stereotypes. Several events were scheduled throughout the day, beginning with a hands on “day-drinking” workshop at 10 a.m. Students of all backgrounds were invited to sample (repeatedly) authentic Irish beers like Coors Light and Natural Ice. This portion of the day was concluded with a campus-wide nap at 2 p.m. Professor Aidan O’Callaghan of the Irish Catholic Studies Dept. gave a lecture on the grammar and usage of traditional Gaelic obscenity. The various curses, despite their complicated pronunciations and systems of declensions, could be

heard echoing throughout campus much of the day in lyrical accents. Lastly, several students gave spontaneous demonstrations of traditional Irish dance-fighting, in which opponents throw fists haphazardly but, as a rule, fall short of actually touching. The dance style, usually involved in courting, is a spectacle which ends in both fighters shaking hands and congratulating each other in the spirit of good sportsmanship. “I’m gratified that students here are willing to look past their own cultural identities to participate in Irish Catholic traditions” said Flannery McDonald, a member of the ICSC E-Board. These events come on the heels of the Irish Catholic Student Confederation’s “St. Valentine’s Day,” when students, following in the steps of the historic St. Valentine, took vows of chastity.

April 1, 2014

Holy Cross Bookstore

ICSC’s “St. Patrick’s Day” Successful Mike Dunbar Still Recovering From Last Monday

Takes On NYFW Natalie A. Correa Campus Fashionista Complete with trending Vineyard Vines Fleece Shep Shirts and popular gray crewneck sweatshirts, the Holy Cross Bookstore took on MercedesBenz Fashion Week at Lincoln Center in New York earlier this year. Upon entering the hall, you experienced a mystical wonderland of purple and white décor: the white walls were filled with purple damask patterning, the round tables were decorated with layered laced purple and white tablecloths and rare purple roses with white flowered fillers, and the large runway was accented with purple and white head lights leading to a knightly Crusader backdrop. There were many admired pieces that made consumers go crazy for some Crusader Cou-

Ask-A-Llama Staff Llama Your Certified Spirit Guide Dear A-LLAMA, I am a female dog in my senior year looking to find another dog to curl up on the foot of the bed with and share an occasional bone. Do you have any suggestions of where I can find my mate? Sincerely, Kennel Kutie

Dear A-LLAMA,

I am a longtime reader and I also stalk you. So it has become pretty apparent to me that you draw all of your columns from your own life. Do you even get any reader comments?

I actually work at Holy Cross and am looking to kick my social life into high gear. The only problem is, I can’t get caught partying off-campus. Any ideas for having a good time on the down-low?

Sincerely, Llama Lover

Sincerely, Papa Brooklyn-BronxQueens-StatenIsland-Manhattan

Dear Llama Lover,

Dear Kennel Kutie, Tinder. *Chews and Spits * Ask anytime, A-LLAMA

Dear A-LLAMA,

Congratulations! You are the first submission ever in my whole four years writing this column! Please come to The Crusader office, on Hogan 2, to collect your prize, which may or may not be a bale of hay!

Dear Papa Brooklyn-BronxQueens-StatenIsland-Manhattan, Figge 1. *Spits * Ask anytime, A-LLAMA

ture. Kendall Jenner showcased the Women’s Relaxed Open Bottom Sweatpants along with an Under Armour Tech Long T-Shirt, which was accessorized with a pair of ToeGoz Flip Flops. Mario Lopez appeared on stage with openzippered Men’s Retro FullZipped Hoodie to show off his beautiful six-pack, which helped accent his black Men’s Under Armour Fleece Pants. All models were styled by Jay Manual, also known as Mr. Jay on “America’s Next Top Model” and Derek Roche, former stylist of rapper Diddy. Other models who were featured in the fashion show were Tyra Banks, Jake T. Austin, Channing Tatum, and Blake Lively, who were caught backstage after the show taking “Sader Selfies,” which can be found on their personal Instagram’s and the Holy Cross Bookstore’s social media profiles.

Celebrities from all over the world attended this unique and highly spoken about event. Alisters including Kim Kardashian, Beyoncé, Nicki Minaj, and Britney Spears (who wore chic purple attire, for this event is also known as the “All Purple Party”) gathered around the “Sader Stage” and were awestruck as the pieces were presented to the audience. As fashion expert Tim Gunn stated, “This is a whole new take on college fashion. Harvard and MIT, you better watch out, because Holy Cross is about to take over. Adidas, Lily Pulitzer and Chanel, start making those phone calls so you can be worthy of having your merchandise featured in the Holy Cross Bookstore.” You heard it from the king of fashion himself: HC is on its way to a fabulous fashion revolution.

Music Majors Will Get New Chill Spot Mike Dunbar Staff Writer Following last semester’s announcement of plans to build a new, state of the music and performing arts building, members of the Holy Cross Music Department are excited for a new place to chill out and jam. Music majors, whose days generally consist of smoking marijuana and playing “Wonderwall” on acoustic guitar, are already preparing for the completion of their new hangout spot. “I mean, all we actually do in the Music Department is sit around listening to music all day,” said Prof. Shirish Korde, department chair, “but now we’ll have more room to do that. It’s gonna be killer, man.” Korde, of course, is being mod-

est. In reality, the Music Program teaches students everything from big words with which to impress friends while listening to the radio on long car rides, to how to pronounce German last names as if you actually spoke German. It is hardly a surprise that the Music Department should receive such a generous donation. After all, aside from Classics Majors, music students leave the College with higher earning potential than any other discipline. Still, while much time is necessarily spent by Music Majors plotting their inevitably long and lucrative music careers, for most, it is not about the money. Rather, the unshakable trust in their own superlative music taste is payment enough.

Ask anytime, A-LLAMA

@GossipSquirrl March 19th

Visiting professor: “I got an email telling me what to do if a student came to class drunk. I found it ironic that they said to call Paul Irish.” Want to read more of these tweets? Follow Gossip Squirrel at www.twitter.com/gossipsquirrl

Overheard On The Hill... Unfortunately, it appears as though your fellow Saders have taken a vow of silence this week. Not a juicy word was overheard...

The Crusader FEATURES

The Voice of a Generation

Holy Cross Dining

When somebody asks me what my favorite part about Holy Cross is, I always respond “the food.” The food here is unbelievable. Let’s start with the salad bar at Kimball—the fruit comes fresh out of cans and is always swimming in a puddle of sugar water. The grapefruit looks like it’s traveled approximately 1,000 miles and has had all the color and flavor vacuumed out. The lettuce usually has just the right amount of wilt and brownness for that perfect soggy salad. The cucumbers are white and tasteless, and add that much needed flavorless crunch. The apples and bananas are usually small, mushy and just a little rotten. Lovely. Now to the entrees—I’m pretty sure that “country fried steak” is a dinner option at least twice a week, which is awesome because it’s such a health-conscious meal. I can’t think of anything more nutritious than steak that’s been fried in oil. I’m also a big fan of the “steak and cheese filling” meal, another regular on the dinner menu. Anytime is a good time to eat a pile of steak and melted cheese. Kimball caters to people with all differ-

11

Justin Bieber:

Food Review: Stef Schefter Food Connoisseur

April 1, 2014

Maggie Walsh Has Too Much Free Time

ent sorts of food preferences. Crossroads, too, has a good selection of award-winning foods. Just the other day I ordered the pasta with vegetables and Alfredo sauce. The vegetables were freezing cold and consisted of a few mushrooms, two pieces of broccoli, and a huge pile of carrot shreds. Carrot shreds taste great with tortellini. A perfect meal. Cool Beans is another great option—they have that fantastic Mayan Mocha, which is basically hot chocolate with pepper flakes. Sweet! Also, for a mere $4.50, you can get a medium iced latte—super affordable for a campus coffee shop. That’s why I have so many dining dollars left! The Lobby Shop is stocked to the brim with healthy and appealing options, like bologna, frozen pizzas, Lunchables, and cheddar fries in a bag. I don’t have to look far to find a delicious snack. To conclude, the food at Holy Cross is top of the line. There are fresh fruits and vegetables everywhere, and it’s not difficult at all to eat well. The food is always carefully and thoughtfully prepared, so much so that I find myself trying to stay on campus as much as possible so I don’t have eat food that isn’t from Kimball Dining Hall.

He launched his career with a series of modest YouTube performances complete with shaky camera work and mediocre sound quality. “Kidrauhl,” as he was once known, seduced women twice his age with Justin Timberlake, Chris Brown, and Usher renditions soulful beyond his years. With “One Time,” he won our hearts and our guaranteed consumerism for years to come. Amidst his ascension to stardom, Bieber joined the ranks of Taylor Swift, Miley Cyrus and Selena Gomez, with whom he shared a lengthy relationship complete with romantic trips to Mexico. We likened him to Justin Timberlake and similarly wholesome child stars, and with his recent stints in the tabloids, we can’t help but appreciate the true representation of our generation as young adults. We, too, enjoy egging houses and posting exposing Instagram selfies. His sleeves of tattoos provide artistic inspiration for the youth around

him and we embrace the attitude with which he regards all law enforcement officers. Life as a young adult is wrought with hours of boredom in this digital age, and we beg for the opportunity to challenge the law and endanger the lives of all around us with drag races through Miami streets.

The recent transcendence of Miley’s movement in addition to Justin’s self-exaltation above the law stirs the youth revolution we have been pushing for in recent years. Finally gone are the days of talent and art, replaced by the frivolity of materialism, promiscuity and danger…the change

we have all been waiting for. After Selena Gomez’s recent release from rehab, she and Justin were spotted spending time together, even releasing a suggestive dance video on his Instagram account. If he’s good enough for Selena, he’s good enough for us. It is about time that society’s elite ceases conformation to the constraints of morality and the expectation to embrace adulthood. These kids don’t go to class, so why should we? They make millions of dollars without the hassle of a college degree. If this is what success requires in modern society, the most accelerated ascent to stardom seems to rely on the creation of a creative YouTube account. Start drafting your URLs now, because the Internet will be the determining measure of your future success. I’m sorry to say that “Kidrauhl” has already been taken, but there are millions of titles available, so choose wisely and start uploading...who knows, maybe you will make it big enough to sneak your pet monkey through customs in a few years.

CAB Will Bring Bangerz to the Saderz Maggie Walsh Chief Features Editor Amidst rumors of Smashmouth and Snoop Dog, Holy Cross’ Campus Activities Board has been rather tight-lipped about this year’s Spring Concert performer. Though the Campus Activities Board will not be officially releasing the name of this year’s spring concert act until April 5th, an inside source – who prefers to remain anonymous for fear of being ostracized by the board – has revealed to us that this year’s performer will be none other than the tongue-slinging, crop-topwearing Miley Cyrus. Ms. Cyrus may seem a peculiar choice by an institution founded on morality and the Jesuit mission, but at the insistence of hundreds of freshman girls, CAB was forced to bring Disney’s bad girl to the Hill. Getting such a famous star may have seemed an ambitioous en-

deavour, but our source ensures us that the board never questioned their ability to bring a top act to campus. In fact, rumor has it that board members were being approached by top acts for a chance to perform on the prestigious makeshift stage in the Hart Center. Having already performed at the 2013 Halftime show, Beyoncé sought to complete her career bucket list with a performance on Mount St. James, begging Holy Cross for the chance to perform with husband Jay-Z. While the college was tempted to accept her offer, it feared settling at the cost of an even bigger performer. That’s when Miley approached the College, even offering to resurrect the image of

Hannah Montana for one weekend only. A close friend of Mac Miller’s, Miley hoped to find in the crowd

what Mac believed to be lacking. At least someone will be tweeting

in our favor this year. “If anything is worth detouring from my world tour, it’s the College of the Holy Cross,” stated Miley in a closed meeting. When offered a large sum of money for her presence on campus, Cyrus turned down the check, citing the smiles of the one hundred students that will be in attendance as payment enough. We even hear that Miley has been dying to get to Worcester for quite some time now to admire the immaculate streets and quaint, small-town feel. She did, however, request attendance to the Easy Street fair with the promised return of the petting zoo animals. She must have heard that a student made off with a goat last year and is hoping to “rescue” a new com-

panion for her many dogs. Though many of us expected the revelation to be met with resistance from the administration, it has been recently uncovered that Father Boroughs is one of Miley’s biggest fans and a supporter from the start of her career on Hannah Montana. We even have it on good authority that Father Boroughs has requested a one-person mosh pit so that he can appropriately fangirl over Miley, unwilling to pass up the opportunity to be so close to her. While the College has requested that Miley dial back the promiscuity as a show of respect while on campus, we know that she will provide us with a spring weekend to remember. The student body will have to wait another week for a formal confirmation of Miley’s visit, and while we know that you won’t actually be at The Edge next Satuday night to hear the announcement, please act surprised.

For more rumors about the identity of the Spring Concert performer, see page 12.

The Crusader

12

FEATURES

April 1, 2014

Choose Your Own Adventure... Spring Concert Edition

Remember when you were a little kid and there were those books where you could flip to different pages and it changed how the adventure went? Well we didn’t have the budget to do a full one of those but here is the best we could do: The Spring Break Choose Your Own Adventure Guide! SPOILER ALERT: All options end in disappointment.

“Creed” to Reunite to Play Spring Concert Gavin Reidy Guest Writer Grab your flannels and start to grow out your soul patch, famed 90s band “Creed” has to decided to reunite for one last concert. “It is ‘With Arms Wide Open’ that we welcome Creed back into the music scene” President Philip Buroughs chuckled to himself. “Too long have Holy Cross students suffered with sub par Spring Concert Headliners. Finally, we have the privilege to welcome Creed through our doors. Creed is a band whose name is synonymous with class, talent, and overall musical ingenuity. With classics like “With Arms Wide Open”, “Can You Take Me Higher?”, and “My Own Prison”, Creed is a house hold name that we have all grown up with. Students around campus have been so excited to see one of their favorite bands take the stage on Spring weekend: “Creed?!” exclaimed senior William Dowling. “Are you kidding me?! I love them! I lost my virginity to their sophomore album ‘Human Clay’ To this day I can’t hear power chords on a distorted guitar

without getting mildly aroused”. “Can they take me higher?” Senior Jake Fahey smiled between coughs out his window. “I seriously doubt that is possible”. “Creed?” said confused senior Jennifer Lillis. “You mean that creepy guy from that show The Office? He’s playing our spring concert?” While it is true that students all over the hill are rejoicing at the fine work of the Campus Activities Board, no one is more excited than Creed: “We are just so excited to play this famed venue” said Creed lead guitarist Mark Tremonti. “The Hart Center and Holy Cross are the dream in the musical community! I mean… Partyland, Like-aLittle, Caro Street… Holy Cross Compliments…What DOESN’T this place have? I mean, it was a little inconvenient timing; I had to take off a few days from my job at the aquarium and my mom says I have to by home by 11 otherwise she will lock the basement door, but other than that we are super stoked! It’s gonna be rad!” The only sad news about the virtuosic music group reuniting this Spring is the absence of their lead

LEAKED: The List of the Top 10 Choices for our Spring Concert

man, Scott Stapp. “Yeah, it’s a real bummer that Scott can’t join us on Spring Weekend” remarked drummer Scott Phillips. “He just can’t get out of the 90s. He sits at home all day watching Boy Meets World and Home Improvement reruns while shouting ‘Wasssuupppppp??’ to everyone that walks into the room. Not to mention he spends all of his other free time bedazzling all of his jean jackets.” Be that as it may, Creed has found a replacement front man in the most unlikely of places: right here on the hill. After holding open rehearsals for the first few days, senior Johanna Regan has stepped in as the band’s new front woman. Her voice has just the right amount of grunge and pain for Creed’s vibe. “Well I just hear the news today” she exclaimed, channeling her inner Scott Stapp and Eddie Vedder. “It seems my life is going to change. I close my eyes, begin to pray. Then tears of joy stream down my face”. Beautiful words from a beautiful band. Needless to say, I will be first in line to see them on Spring Weekend.

Ted Cullinane Guest Writer For some of you this article may be a bigger story than Wikileaks or Snowden’s concealed NSA info, but I’ve talked with multiple people on campus who work for CAB and are planning the Spring Concert and I’ve heard the list for possible performers at our 2014 Spring Concert. Some may say I’m Holy Cross’ equivalent to Zoe Barnes because of my ability to expose inside info about the college before it becomes public knowledge. So the list goes like this, 10 is an unlikely choice for our performer and 1 is the most likely choice… 10. Vanessa Carlton—I would walk 1,000 miles up hill to the Hart Center to hear her sing. 9. Outkast—they don’t have the same popularity that they used to which makes them a possible candidate for HC and our budget 8. Kenny Chesney—Kenny has been waiting to sing “Boston” ever since leaving Country Fest in Gillette last summer and he wont have the chance

to come back to the greater Boston area this year unless it’s for a concert this summer. 7. Fat Joe and the Terror Squad—some say that the Terror Squad’s “image” doesn’t quite mesh with the Jesuit ideals of “men and women for and with others.” 6. Pussycat Dolls—I feel like their name alone would ruffle some feathers here at Holy Cross. They’d definitely put on a good show though. 5. The Lumineers—because HC needs to have another one hit wonder on campus (e.g. Far East Movement circa 2011). 4. Nelly—for once, Worcester weather would be “hot in here,” if we got Nelly on the hill. 3. Shwayze—If Shwayze got the headline at HC, Big Bob should place a ginormous order for Corona immediately. 2. Passenger—“Let it Go” would tear down the walls of the Hart Center, but after that I think we’d all just fall asleep. 1. Adele—Rumor has it, lol, that if we can get enough money for her, she’s ours. #adele14

Spring Concert Announced: Will Be Richard Simmons Performing Album “Reach” In Its Entirety Candy Wrapper Staff Writer The moment is here. The moment when everyone finds out who they’ll pay an exorbitant amount of money to see in the acoustically-perfect venue of the Hart Center along with hundreds of your best, sweatiest friends. Ladies and gentlemen, the spring concert this year will be Richard Simmons, the greatest workout instructor to ever put on a pair of tights. This living legend will be performing his 1982 revolutionary album “Reach” in its entirety on the last day of classes at 8PM. Simmons’s album has been critically acclaimed across many media outlets since its release, winning the Grammy for best Rap album each of the last 10 years, best soundtrack for the last 25 years, and in an upset of monumental proportions, best workout album of 1982, narrowly beating out Olivia Newton John’s “Physical.” Of the album, rateyourmu-

sic.com user King_Fahtah says “Thank you, Mr. Simmons. I was a 170 pound wreck of a man and

record ever created. It is a workout album with Richard Simmons singing along to the crappiest

now I’m 169 pounds. Wow life is great.” See? This is a life changing album. Obviously, as a joke, user VandelayInd says “I will simply review this album as the worst

music in the world.” Ha! What a jokester that VandelayInd is. In an unprecedented move, the Holy Cross administration took over control of the choice of the

spring concert this year in an effort to keep any of that filthy rock and roll or hippity hop music out of the students’ ears. The administration also wanted to take this chance to turn a Holy Cross tradition into a chance for some exercise. “We [the administration] are well aware that students like to enjoy themselves after their classes are over, so we figured what better way to have a good (i.e. responsible i.e. sober i.e. quiet i.e. gender segregated i.e. middle school dance) time than with a good, clean instructional work out concert!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” (note: said administrator put all 15 exclamation points in the email to The Crusader). The administration also said that “the natural hills of the campus do not seem to be

enough to keep people in shape through the long winter, so we decided to take the initiative to get the students to work out.” One particularly grumpy administrator said, “Maybe these kids will get off of their butts and off of their phones for once and get some damn exercise. Back in my day, we used to have to walk all the way to Dutton Street to go to a party, and God knows that Dutton Street is practically in Canada.” When asked about the choice of performer this year, senior Jacob Miller told us that “Richard Simmons is my idol” and that he “has been watching his workout videos since he was a little kid.” Miller told us that he plans to camp outside of the CAB office for the next 12 days before the tickets are released, similar to the ritual that took place before the infamous Snuggie incident of 2010. Tickets start at $20 for students, but can be bought on StubHub for about $3.18, so you should probably do that instead.

The Crusader SPORTS

Sports Tyler Scionti Satisfied Sox Fan It is no mystery that the Sox have been pretty lax this winter. I mean, they let high profile free agents like Jarrod Saltalamacchia and Jacoby Ellsbury, and are patching up their roster with the likes of Grady Sizemore and AJ Pierzynski. Just look at the Sox this offseason, gosh it’s worse than last year—heck last year at least they got some good players. Instead in 2014 the Sox are willing to trot out baseball’s version of the AARP—you’ve got the old guys like Ortiz and Pierzynski while Xander Bogaerts and Jackie Bradley can be good boy scouts by wheeling them out onto the field. It’s madness right? Well before Red Sox Nation goes into a collective riot we’ve got some news for you. Apparently GM Ben Cherington doesn’t seem to think his strategy has been a sign of madness, rather it’s all part of the plan. According to Cherington, the Sox feel that three World Series Rings in the past decade is more than enough and it is time to let another team give it a try. “We really feel that we’ve gone

April 1, 2014

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Ben Cherington on World Series Three Trips in a Decade is Enough

to the World Series enough times already, why can’t some other teams get a shot?” Cherington

ries enough? The Sox think so, it’s true the Yankees haven’t made the playoffs in a long time. It’s even

after the season it’s complete bull #$%^ sometimes with all these games, man sometimes I just need

Has David Ortiz given up on the season before it begins?

said. “I think it’d be fun to see the Yankees go to the World Series—that’s why we let them have Ellsbury and McCann.” Is three times to the World Se-

longer since the Blue Jays or Orioles have gone to the Fall Classic. Even David Ortiz is on the band wagon with his latest statements. “Man, I get #$%^&*$@ tired

a break ya know what I mean?” David was colorful as usual, but the big slugger makes a good point. At 50 years old he is well past his prime but hey at least there is good

news for the Sox since they recently inked a one-year extension after he went into Cherington’s office and starting crying like an overweight, profane toddler. There are some members of the Sox who aren’t thrilled over the announcement, namely utility outfielder/beard extraordinaire Jonny Gomes. Gomes is pretty upset that the Sox are going to make the playoffs as it cuts into his case to be a starting outfielder. Fortunately Gomes was on hand to speak to the media. “These chumps wouldn’t have made it past the first game without me in the starting lineup, I hit .500 in the World Series—who else can do that? I need the playoffs, it’s the only excuse to play me!” Correction: Gomes was not a starter on Opening Day, and he hit .118 in the World Series, but to each his own. It certainly is a hot topic as the Sox gear up for the 2014 season. They lost plenty of pieces and have stuffed them with filler as the months went on. They may not make it to the World Series but let’s just pray that they have a final record over .500.

Where, Oh Where, is Tim Thomas Today? Hint: Good Luck Trying to Find Him John Morton Still Working on Getting Tim Thomas to the White House Does anyone really know where Tim Thomas is these days? He has spent the past two years traveling around the United States as if he was a musician on a cross country tour. He spent the last year away from hockey to spend time with his family in Colorado only to desire a return to the NHL a year later. He signed on with the Florida Panthers to begin the year only to be traded to Dallas once the Panthers ironically acquired Roberto Luongo from Vancouver, the goalie that Tim Thomas outdueled in the 2011 Stanley Cup Finals. Granted, it was no contest who turned out to be the better goalie. If a lion faced a cat in a fight, who did you honestly expect to win? Once the Panthers acquired Luongo, the 39 year old Thomas was deemed expendable and was ditched to the Dallas Stars who already had a strong starter in Kari Lehtonen. Thomas now serves as Dallas’ backup thereby being located in three different time zones over the course of two years. An interesting side note, and this actually happened,

the night that Tim Thomas left Florida and started for Dallas, the Panthers hosted a Tim Thomas bobble head night. Roberto Lu-

da’s problem now so that is beside the point. Back to Timmy Thomas. After only being in Dallas since March 5, Thomas, in a quick turn

should probably not say too much and abandon the team on another White House visit, has acquiesced and agreed to let Tuukka Rask bask

Do you remember Tim Thomas from his Bruin days? ...I really can’t either.

ongo started in goal and the team he played was the Boston Bruins. After the Bruins’ resounding 5-2 win, one could tell that the ghost of Tim Thomas impacted Luongo’s performance. Maybe if he actually came out of the net and was more aggressive he would actually be a good goalie. Well, he is Flori-

of events, has come full circle and returned to the place where he became a legend. Reports are surfacing that Thomas has been traded back to the Bruins to join the hottest team in the world (No offense to the Calgary Flames, but the Bruins are actually on fire). However, Thomas, realizing that he

in the glory of a Stanley Cup win. If you are questioning what you are reading right now, that’s right I just said the Bruins were awarded the Stanley Cup. Angered by falling short last year and losing in only 17 painful seconds (which was harder to watch in person) the Bruins are making the rest of the NHL

look like confused Mite hockey players who cannot even find where the puck is let alone what to do with it once they actually take possession of it. The Bruins have not lost a game since March 1. To put that in perspective, that was the first day of Spring Break when I left hopeful that perhaps this was the year that my March Madness bracket would not be destroyed within a few games and that I would be able to stop procrastinating on work (Sadly, none of that happened). In that time, the Bruins have outscored opponents 47-17. It is no wonder, then, that Tim Thomas wants to share the glory with his backup in 2011 and allow Tuukka Rask to handle the Conn Symthe trophy honors. It is no contest who the best team is in the NHL right now and appears like the Stanley Cup playoffs are not necessary. Why should a team bother when the only way the Bruins will lose now is if Sidney Crosby, Alex Ovechkin, and Steven Stamkos decided to pull off a Lebron James, Dwayne Wade, and Chris Bosh-like trio? We already know who the best team in the NHL is and I guess NHL commissioner Gary Bettman did as well.

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With Baseball Season Coming Up, Commissioner Bud Selig Announces Call For More Steroid Use Emily Iannaconi Steroid Enthusiast Steroids, as most of the American public has come to know, are performance enhancing drugs that can transform a bad player to a good one, and a good player to a great one. Kind of amazing, right? Take some roids and all of a sudden, BAM! like magic, you’re a baseball player. Your face is on cereal boxes and your jersey is sold out in every Modell’s around the world. To top it off, everyone talks about you. People who do not even watch baseball know about what you have done in the game. You are the talk of the nation! Young kids want your autograph! These performance enhancing drugs contain a fused 4 ring, 17 carbon structure derived from cholesterol. The functions of steroids range from androgenic, estrogenic, and anti-inflammatory properties. In baseball specifically, Commissioner Bud Selig is calling for the use of more anabolic, or muscle building, steroids. Take a break from reading to try something very quick. Type steroids in to Google. What is the first suggestion that comes up? The first option is to search for steroids in baseball. This is what the Commissioner wants. Bud Selig wants to embrace and solidify this time in baseball as “The Steroid Era.” Fortunately, many players have stepped up to the challenge. Jason Giambi, in his respect for the game of baseball and the Commissioner, ADMITTED to using steroids in the BALCO controversy. What a guy. BALCO, a nutrition center, had kindly volunteered to distribute performance enhancing drugs to professional ball players. Other

players such as Barry Bonds and Gary Sheffield tested positive for steroids during this controversy. Though this happened years ago now, Selig wants people to stop thinking about what happened with BALCO as a controversy. Controversy does not need to exist when there is a clear distinction between right and wrong. After the BALCO incident in the early 2000s, baseball and the Major League Baseball Players Association began applying stricter regulations and initiated a zero tolerance policy with regards to steroids. Due to the positive effects of steroids on individual players as well as the game, Selig has decided that that policy is no longer in effect. So many players nowadays use steroids, and I am willing to bet that the Commissioner now feels like “If you can’t beat em’, join em’.” Since then, baseball has made a lot of positive headway. On August 1, 2005, Rafael Palmeiro tested positive for performance enhancing drugs! He was suspended as much as ten days, but rest be assured that such a suspension will never occur again. If anything, Palmeiro will be looked up to by kids of all ages in the time to come. Some people have begun to question whether or not Palmeiro should be a member of the Baseball Hall of Fame. His position in the Hall of Fame should not be doubted though! The man is one of only four players to have both 3,000 hits and 500 home runs AND he used steroids. Whether or not he should be in the Hall of Fame clearly is not a question. As well as Rafael Palmiero, baseball has been lucky enough to have Barry Bonds play the game. Bonds is another player who should undoubtedly go to the Hall of Fame. Not only did he surpass the All-

Time Home Run record with a total of 762 career home runs, but he set the record while using steroids! Greg Anderson, Bonds’

both testosterone and Primobolan during the 2003 season in which he played for the Texas Rangers and won the American League

Baseball fans excitedly promote the use of steroids.

trainer, even provided Bonds with the performance enhancing drugs. Not wanting to take any credit or direct incredible amounts of attention to himself, Bonds claims that he had no idea that the clear substance and lotion given to him by his trainer were steroids! What a humble, modest man that baseball had in Barry Bonds. Additionally, we’ve got Alex Rodriguez, who despite having looked Katie Couric in the eye and telling her that he did not use performance enhancing drugs, actually tested positive for steroids in a report released by Selena Roberts and David Epstein of Sports Illustrated in 2009. Rodriguez tested positive for

Most Valuable Player award, hit 47 home runs, and earned a Silver Slugger Award. Rodriguez is very private about his personal life but I think it is safe to say that the MVP used performance enhancing drugs at other times in his career. As a Yankee fan, I am extremely proud and honored to have had Alex Rodriguez on my team. I would feel bad not mentioning the other players who have done so much to promote the game of baseball. Therefore, we must recognize and applaud Mark McGwire, Manny Alexander, Chuck Finley, Marvin Bernard, Randy Velarde, Wilson Alvarez, Bret Boone, Ozzie Canseco, Juan Gonzalez,

Dave Martinez, Ivan Rodriguez, Tony Saunders, Miguel Tejada, Lenny Dykstra, Dave Hollins, Roger Clemens, Brian Roberts, Jay Gibbons, Gary Matthews Jr.Darren Holmes, Rick Ankiel, Troy Glaus, Scott Schoeneweis, Matt Williams, Magglio Ordonez, Mike Piazza, Todd Greene, and Sammy Sosa. Additionally, the Mitchell Report has also found 44 ball players guilty of steroid use: Ricky Bones, Alex Cabrera, Larry Bigbie, Jack Cust, Tim Laker, Todd Hundley, Hal Morris, Mark Carreon, Matt Franco, Rondell White, Chuck Knoblauch, Greg Zaunn, David Justice, F.P. Santangelo, Glenallen Hill, Mo Vaughn, Denny Neagle, Ron Villone, Todd Williams, Phil Hiatt, Todd Pratt, Kevin Young, Mike Lansing, Cody McKay, Kent Merker, Adam Piatt, Jason Christiansen, Mike Stanton, Stephen Randolph, Paul Lo Duca, Adam Riggs, Bart Miadich, Fernando Vina, Kevin Brown, Eric Gagne, Mike Bell, Matt Herges, Gary Bennett Jr., Jim Parque, Brendan Donnelly, Chad Allen, Jeff Williams, Howie Clark, and Nook Logan. With the help of these players, baseball is becoming better recognized and more respected as a game. These players receive much applause from fans and young kids who do not yet know the importance of what they are witnessing. The men who use performance enhancing drugs serve as incredible role models for young, aspiring players who look up to and decide that they want to be just like Jason Giambi, Barry Bonds, and Alex Rodriguez. Who knows where baseball would be without all of these players. I shudder to imagine it.

Holy Cross Senior To Compete At National Chuck-A-Puck Competition Karl Beckman He’s on the hockey team For Holy Cross senior Brendan McGill, life could not be any better at the moment. Last week, McGill won the Northeast Regional Chuck-A-Puck competition in Boston, earning himself a spot on the big stage at the National Chuck-A-Puck Championship. For the senior, the feeling of fulfilling a life long dream is just setting in. “I really can’t express how excited I am,” said McGill. “I have a lot of emotions swirling inside right now. It’s really hard to put into words what this means to me. I’ve worked my whole life to be a Chuck-A-Puck champion. To earn a spot on the biggest stage is the greatest feeling. I’d imagine it’s on the same level emotionally as having your first-born child.” Chuck-A-Puck, for those unac-

customed to the cult ice sport, involves throwing soft rubber pucks onto the ice surface of a hockey rink, with the objective being to land the puck on or closest to the center ice dot. “It’s a game of strength, precision, concentration, and beauty,” said McGill’s coach and classmate Kevin Meinert. “Simply put, Brendan is the complete package.” For McGill, Chuck-A-Puck has been a lifelong passion. Having played hockey at a young age and spending a substantial amount of time at the ice rink, Chuck-APuck naturally entered his life. “I was about 11 years old and at a Boston Bruins game,” reminisced McGill. “At intermission they did this “throw-a-puck” thing. And I thought to myself, Brendan, you suck at skating, you can’t stick handle worth a damn, lord knows you’ll never make it in hockey, so why don’t you give

this a try. And, sure enough I was a natural. I fell in love with it.” “He’s a natural,” said coach Meinert. “I can push him in the weight room, pump his biceps, give him that arm strength he needs, but at the end of the day he’s just got a touch like I’ve never seen or felt. I see him heave that puck out there and stop it on a dime at center ice, it’s like watching Phil Mickelson with a wedge in his hand. He’s a magician. McGill’s journey to the National Tournament began this past winter at the Hart Center. At the ChuckA-Puck challenge during the intermission of a Crusaders hockey game, McGill finessed a puck beautifully within inches of the center ice dot, winning the event and an autographed Crusaders jersey. McGill followed up his stellar performance at the Hart Center with victories at the DCU Center during a Worcester Sharks game, a Marlboro

youth hockey game, a Hingham beer league game, and of course last weekend’s Northeast Regional Chuck-A-Puck Competition at the TD Garden during a Bruins game. “It was really incredible to go back to my roots, where chucking pucks first entered my life, and be able to perform the way I did, coming through on the big stage as a hometown hero,” stated McGill. “The crowd got behind me. I don’t know if it was my striking good looks or the way I laid some sexy backspin on my puck, backing it up right on the dot like I had a string on it,” said the ever humble regional champion. “All I know is I got all of New England behind me heading into Nationals. I’d say I’m on about the same level right now as Patrice Bergeron or David Ortiz as far Boston athletes go.” The Holy Cross student body has also rallied around McGill, hailing

him as one of the best athletes to grace the hill since Bob Cousy. “You know I don’t know what the big fuss is about McGill it’s just Chuck-A-Puck,” said faithful supporter Ryan Raphael. “But hey, everyone is good at something in life. Not everyone can be good at slugging beers, picking up ladies, and being a bona fide stud like I am. Good luck to him in Nationals.” The Chuck-A-Puck National Championship will be held April 11th-12th in Minneapolis, Minnesota, aptly dubbed “The State of Chuck-A-Puck.” The event will be televised on ESPN2. McGill will be holding an autograph session at Cool Beans on Tuesday, April 1st. Everyone is encouraged to stop by and show their support as we wish Brendan luck to bring home the title.

The Crusader SPORTS

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May The Odds Be Ever In Your Favor The 1st Annual Holy Cross Hunger Games John Morton Loyola’s Tribute Upperclassmen at Holy Cross know that a common tradition among freshman dorms is to compete in a campus-wide game of Assassins. For those who do not know, Assassins is a game where every participant is given a popsicle stick with another participant’s name on it. Students are then assigned to “kill” that person and eliminate him or her from the game. Of course, there are rules to where and how you can kill someone. In order to be successful in this game, you have to resort to any means necessary (and I mean anything). A resident of Mulledy my freshman year, I never participated, but I observed how seriously some people took the competition. Admit it, to win the game you probably engaged in some creepy Moodle stalking. And by probably I mean you definitely did that. You need to be smart, careful, and always on alert because there was a good chance the person assigned to you had definitely done the same. What you may not know is that the College of the Holy Cross is hosting a tournament this year, a tournament where there are no rules except to survive. Every residence hall, 11 in total, plus those living off campus for a total of 12, have to offer two students, one male and female, to ensure that the dorms do not rebel against the College. Whether it is for long lines on chicken parm night at Kimball or frustration at the WiFi as you frantically enroll in classes, the students have to be kept in line. President Boroughs has to make sure the twelve residences remain loyal to him. In order to choose the unwilling participants for this event, each dorm hosts a selection night in their dorm common room. It is more than likely that there will be some tearful separations as friends

are chosen to compete. Will any be courageous to volunteer and serve as a symbol of a Revolution? A mocking jay perhaps? The 24 participants are whisked away to the Hogan Ballroom where they interview with Father Hayes as he asks them provocative questions so the audience (students and professors) can find

Games dawns. As nervous students prepare to do battle at the Cornucopia on the Hoval, they begin to plan strategies. Should you fight your opponents right on the Hoval? Or lead them to the Hart Center Lawn? Or would you choose an entirely different strategy? Would you try to hide in Fenwick Tower, find the Exorcism

Kimball is going to be an empty wasteland, quiet with no signs of life. It would be as if the summer months were upon us and those students left on campus have to forage for themselves. The game makers, for the purposes of this account let’s just say Public Safety Officers, will not let you stray off campus to find food. How would

A mockingjay is a good symbol for Katniss, but maybe a Crusader logo would serve as a better symbol to inspire a revolution.

someone to root for. In order to get people to bet on the games, professors observe the students and make wagers on their talents and who would be best suited to become the final victor. It is not just a test of physical capabilities, but a test of mental acuity as well. Do you know your Holy Cross trivia? You had better start studying because this is not an ordinary Hunger Games story. Cura personalis applied to the extreme! The opening day of the start of the 1st Holy Cross Hunger

Room, climb a tree by Mulledy, or even find those mysterious tunnels people keep talking about? Hiding would sound pretty good to me. During the first Hunger Games movie, I knew that if I could be a character it would most likely be Rue: a quiet, but smart person who climbs a tree and uses her intelligence to survive. Obviously, if an athlete were selected, they would use that same strategy. (But seriously they wouldn’t) How would you find food during this event? Of course,

you do it? To be honest, I have no idea. I am obviously making this up as I write about a book I have never read and a movie I have only seen once. Did anyone else think it was strange that Katniss and Peeta got exactly what they needed when they needed it? For someone oblivious to the actual plot in the books (which usually doesn’t happen as I can point out the errors in the Harry Potter movies pretty quickly). Obviously, this is all hypothetical. That is, until the event actual-

ly happens. If you doubt me, just look below. We obviously would not say that you should support the Crusaders in the upcoming Hunger Games if this was not true. Would a close relationship develop between two tributes? A kind of messed up Appa Love of sorts? Who knows? Will Public Safety allow two people to survive a St. Patrick’s Day weekend that’s gone completely out of control? I cannot say for sure since putting students at risk is the complete opposite of what Public Safety is supposed to do. The beginnings of a revolution could be in the works. No more long lines at Kimball, no more slow Wifi connectivity and poor housing times. We need to advocate for school to actually be closed in the event of a major snowstorm. Worcester is the ninth snowiest city in the United States, after all (that’s actually true). We need a symbol to inspire a revolution and change everything… EXCEPT FOR SPRING WEEKEND. Spring Weekend can stay the same. I mean the Outdoor Edge, games on the Hart Lawn, a concert? Who would want to revolt against that? To end this article in a completely obvious and predictable way, I will end with the common refrain uttered again and again in the Hunger Games books. The Hunger Games are about to begin. So… may the odds be never in your favor. If you read that and assumed I said, “May the odds be ever in your favor” I would check again. I cannot whistle like a mocking jay though so I guess this is not a completely predictable ending. Stay tuned to next week’s Crusader to see how the 1st Annual Hunger Games play out. (Not really though… or am I lying?) To be honest, I don’t really know anymore.

Support the Crusaders in the Following Games! Calling All Crusaders: Assist Pope Francis in the 1st Crusade since the 15th Century UFC Fight Between Father Boroughs and the President of Boston College at the Hoval NASCAR Race with the Smart Cars Food Fight at Kimball- Sis vs. All (“Good Luck Everyone Else”- Sis)

Bobsled Race from the Hart Center to Kimball Water Balloon Fight between the Dorms DON’T FORGET THE HUNGER GAMES START AT 12:37 ON APRIL 1 AT THE HOVAL CORNUCOPIA (2 Participants from each Dorm and MAY THE ODDS BE EVER IN YOUR FAVOR)

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The Crusader

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April 1, 2014

Purple Pennings with Rick ConeBus What if I told you that the greatest intramural volleyball team was denied a chance to play in the playoffs? What if I told you that corruption and politics doomed the legendary DirtyMikeandtheBoys? What if I told you that the story of DirtyMikeandtheBoys was the greatest tragedy in sports? This is the story of DirtyMikeandtheBoys and everything you are about to read is entirely true. (Note: All names have been changed to protect the innocent, granted rather poorly at that) The year is 1974 and the team of destiny came together in a most unorthodox manner. Roommates Clio Manmark and Connor Dayquil took time off from their famed boy band “The Man Band” to pursue their studies at Holy Cross. Michael Sevensmith had just returned from ‘Nam and found himself in the room next to the legendary duo. In the room next to Sevensmith was Rick ConeBus, a former advisor to the Nixon administration, and Hohn Jodge, who had just completed his fourth stint in rehab (though he only recalled three of them). Rounding out the hall was Connor Zanzini and a female (although both she and the school have asked to leave her name out, as the school did not officially allow females yet). From day one, they knew they had something special. Their hair was long, their personalities eccentric, their athletic ability sufficient, but their heart and chemistry second to none. Their story truly begins when they approached a young Matthew McConaughey, sporting an outrageous afro and a violent handlebar mustache (it was literally violent and attacked players on several occasions during practice) and asked him to coach their new team “DirtyMikeandtheBoys.” McConaughey recalls, “they came up to me and asked me to coach and I was like ‘all right, all right, all right’.” He went on to say “you know, man. Maybe I should’ve been nervous about it. I mean, Sevensmith had some bad PTSD, like real bad. Jodge was straight out of rehab. We were all nervous about ConeBus bugging our rooms after that whole Watergate thing. And Manmark and Dayquil, man, you’ve all heard the stories about them on tour.” Team manager Tommy “HB” aka Tommy Basketball aka Tommy Dinand aka Tommy Backwards-hat aka Tommy Haircut etc. remembers, “it was a weird group of guys. But I’ll be

damned if they weren’t the sexiest. That hair. I mean, damn.” Praise aside, DirtyMikeandthe-

miss their first four games (or Zini forgot to check the schedule, no one is sure to this day).

was happening at Holy Cross. First thousands, then tens of thousands, then hundreds of

Cleo Manmark, Connor Dayquil, Rick ConeBus, Hohn Jodge, Michael Sevensmith, Connor Zanzini, and Manager Tommy Halloween during their historic 1970s volleyball days.

Boys had a season to play. However, they found themselves on the wrong side of controversy right away when a misprinted schedule forced them to

A young Matthew McConaughey before his legendary coaching days when he played in the NBA. His mustache was much less violent back then.

Once they had the proper schedule, it did not take long for DirtyMikeandtheBoys to make national news by what some still call the greatest match of volleyball ever played by humans with facial hair. The opponent was the formidable US National team from the Ukraine, headed by team captain Zydrunas Ilgauskas, who had somewhat questionably finagled their way into the Holy Cross intramural volleyball tournament. It was David versus Goliath, if David had great hair and an impeccable mustache. The game started with a bang when Sevensmith spiked the ball for the opening point and ConeBus, from the sidelines, began chanting “start the buses.” Both teams were fired up; the only thing missing was a crowd. That would soon change, however, as after the first game, in which DirtyMikeandtheBoys narrowly lost, word quickly spread around campus, around Worcester, around New England, and the remainder of the planet known as Earth (via hand-written letters, carrier pigeons, and word of mouth) that the greatest sporting event since Ulysses S. Grant and Robert E. Lee went toe-to-toe in a game of one-on-one basketball to 11 to decide the fate of the Union

thousands flocked to the Fieldhouse. “It was the Woodstock of volleyball, you can quote me on that one” said Hohn Jodge who attended Woodstock himself, prior to his second stint in a rehabilitation center. With the crowd behind them, DirtyMikeandtheBoys pulled off 21 straight points, beating their opponents by an unprecedented score of 21-0. It was all down to the final, deciding third game. Unbeknownst to DirtyMikeandtheBoys, the fix was in. The interim President of the school at the time, whose real name we are not allowed to print, had a special interest in the match, one that would not be revealed until now, when the scandal will finally be made known. You see, although you would think, given the position he was in, that this wouldn’t be the case, the president, Father Ilgauskas SJ (as we’ll call him) had a son, a senior in high school, who was playing in the match for the opposing team. Now, you would also imagine that his son’s tuition would be free. However, Father Ilgauskas bet his son’s tuition on the game, in hopes to win an equal amount which he would invest in foreign interests in the Soviet Union. Thus, even after Dayquil and

Manmark rallied off 18 straight aces, the scoreboard still only read 4-0, favoring the US National team from the Ukraine. Later, with both teams tied at 77 in a win by two scenario, Ilgauskas spiked the ball emphatically, but in the process, ripped down the net, a clear and obscene violation of the volleyball rules according to Section 7, paragraph 7, sentence 9 of the US Constitution. The refs, however, being paid off in dining dollars, refused to make the call. Dayquil, distraught over the no-call, and actually pretty untalented to begin with, lined up for what is widely known as being the single most horrendous and embarrassing attempt to do anything ever. The serve landed three courts over and severely injured an unsuspecting bystander. DirtyMikeandtheBoys’ chance of winning, much like Dayquil’s dignity, was gone. They were distraught and vowed never to play volleyball again. Now, years later, with the scandal finally out, the team has agreed to a reunion. Granted they’re all different people now. Dayquil went on to invent Dayquil, named after himself in a shameless attempt to fix his damaged reputation after “the serve heard round the world.” Manmark is now a shepherd who blissfully herds his sheep as they happily graze and meander. Jodge was last seen 12 years ago walking down the East Coast in hopes to find a WaWa. Sevensmith is now a traveling magician and you can contact him for your child’s birthday at 7sevensmith@ 7sevensmith.com/7? (not a typo, literally not quite sure.). ConeBus, after a brief stint as quarterback of the Cleveland Browns, is now imprisoned for trying to steal the Declaration of Independence, inspiring the Oscar-winning performance by Nicholas Cage, often referred to as the greatest actor of his generation. Rounding out the bunch, is Zanzini who is also in prison for running a Ponzi scheme, accumulating $17 billion which he spent entirely on plastic surgery to look like Biff from Back to the Future, no one is sure why. Now, 29 years later, what if I told you that they will be returning for the 2014 intramural season? DirtyMikeandtheBoys are back with a vengeance and far less hair. Come watch their reunion on April 31st, 2014 in the Fieldhouse at dawn.

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