Bulletin Board

l I’m on two diets. I wasn’t getting enough food on one. l Don’t irritate old people. The older we get, the less “life in prison” is a deterrent. l You will hit every cone on the highway before I let you merge in front of me because you saw that sign two miles ago like I did. l I really don’t mind getting older, but my body is taking it badly. l It turns out that being an adult now is mostly just googling how to do stuff. l I miss the ’90s when bread was still good for you and no one knew what kale was. l Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, “That can’t be accurate.” l I want to be 14 again and ruin my life differently. I have lots of new ideas. l As I watch this new generation try to rewrite our history, I am certain of one thing: It will be misspelled and have no punctuation. l I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for Tuesday. l Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does. l My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make food right in front of you. I took her to Subway. l I picked up a hitchhiker and he asked if I wasn’t afraid that he might be a serial killer. I told him the odds of two serial killers being in the same car were extremely unlikely. l I went line dancing last night. OK, it was a roadside sobriety test...same thing. l If you are happy and you know it, it’s your meds. l Sorry I’m late. I didn’t really want to come. l Everyone was thinking it. I just said it. l When I was a kid I wanted to be older. This is not what I expected. l I have stopped listening, so why are you talking? l Science doesn’t care what you believe. l The best thing about the good old days was that I wasn’t good and I wasn’t old. l If you can’t laugh at yourself, then let me do it. l Patience is a virtue. It’s just not one of mine.

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an elderly Irish cop.

The lawyer thinks he is smarter than the old cop because he is educated and is from London, so he decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop’s expense.

The old Irish cop says, “License and registration please.”

The lawyer says, “What for?”

Irish cop: “Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”

Lawyer: “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”

Irish cop: “Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration please”

Lawyer says: “What’s the difference?”

Irish cop: “The difference is, ye huvte come to a complete stop; that’s the law. License and registration please!”

Lawyer: “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll hand over my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”

Old cop: “Sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle sir.”

The cop takes his baton and begins beating the crap out of the lawyer and asks, “Daeye want me to stop or just slow down?”

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and moving slowly. One student said to his friend: “I’m sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that.” The other student said, “No, I don’t think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class.”

Since they couldn’t agree they decided to ask the old man. The older of the two explained, “We’re medical students and couldn’t help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn’t agree on the syndrome you might have. Will you tell us what it is?”

The old man said, “I’ll tell you, but first you tell me what you guys think.”

The first student said, “I think it’s Peltry Syndrome.”

The old man said, “You thought, but you are wrong.”

The other student said, “I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome.”

The old man said, “You thought, but you are wrong.”

Puzzled, they asked him in unison, “Well, what do you have?”

The old man said, “Well, I thought it was gas, but I was wrong, too!”

A group of frogs was hopping through the forest when two of them accidentally fell into a deep pit, landing on a narrow ledge not that far from the top. The other frogs sat around the pit, and, seeing how deep it was, told the two unfortunate frogs that they couldn’t help them, that there was no hope.

However, the two ignored the others and tried jumping out of the pit. The frogs at the top continued to tell the trapped frogs to give up, as there was no way they would be able to jump out.

After trying over and over, one of the frogs gave up, fall ing to his death. But the other frog continued to jump with all his might. The crowd of frogs yelled down the pit for the frog to stop.

But the frog jumped even harder and persisted until he finally got out. Upon reaching the top, the other frogs said, “We thought there was no way any frog could jump that high. Couldn’t you hear us?”

The frog then signaled to the others that he was deaf, and he thought that the frogs standing around the pit were en couraging him the whole time.

The moral: The words of others can greatly impact your attitude and ac tions. Ignore the naysayers. Only engage with those who encourage you and be lieve in your ability to succeed. Furthermore, think about what you say to people be fore speaking so you can make sure what you’re saying is supportive. Your support, or lack thereof, could make the difference between success and failure.

A very senior citizen, 89 years of age, was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

He replied, “I’m on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse, smoking, staying out late, and the effects all these have on the human body.”

The officer asked, “Really? Who’s giving that sort of lecture at this time of night?”

The old man replied, “That would be my wife.”