Rrapscallion
feature
The dark humour of totalitarian regimes and their secret police We thought in 1989 when the Berlin wall fell all those communist regimes would be confined to history - how wrong we were. Harry Mottram puts on dark glasses and a trench coat and enters the Soviet-post-Soviet world of jokes
Three secret policemen are commanded to take up their positions outside a dissident’s home. “I can write,” says one, “I can read,” says the second, and the third one says, “I can’t do either, but I’m ordered to keep an eye on you two intellectuals.”
democratic Governments that have total control over their populations. One of the most misogynist is the Taliban regime in Afghanistan. There’s a sick joke about the Taliban Government official who rides a camel across the countryside inspecting war damage while his wives walk behind in the dust. A UN observer spots him coming across the desert towards Kabul and notes his wives are now walking 100 metres in front of the camel. He asks the official why the change of formation – the official replies: “land mines.”
North Korea, China, Russia, Belarus and the 50 or so other countries that are ruled by dictators have populations that are not as obsequious as the ranks of goosestepping soldiers and craven workers on May Day parades might suggest. Within totalitarian regimes there is universal cynicism about the rulers which manifests with jokes about those in power, the secret police, restrictions on freedoms and life in general. All of course out of earshot of the Belarusian KGB, the Russian FSB, the North Korean MSS or the Chinese Ministry of State Security. It comes as no surprise that some classic formats can be adapted and updated as jokes that are relevant for different nations and different times. One such classic originated in the Soviet Union in the 1950s and has re-emerged in North Korea. A farmer is finally rewarded after 50 years of hard labour when a party official visits his humble home and proclaims: “Comrade, for your hard work and absolute dedication to the great leader Kim Jongun, he has rewarded you with a new car.” The farmer nods gratefully. The official says the car will be delivered in 10 years. The farmer says: “Morning or afternoon?” The party official is offended, and snaps: “Comrade, you are being given a car. And that privilege aside, delivery is 10 years away, what does it matter if it’s morning or afternoon?” The farmer responds: “Well, the plumber is coming in the morning...” Another joke about supply and demand has been shared in Belarus, Russia (since the Ukraine War) and North Korea in recent weeks. It concerns the universal shopper who walks into the baker’s and says: “You don’t have any meat?” The shop assistant says, “No, here we don’t have any bread. The shop that doesn’t have any meat is across the street.” Russia no longer suffers from basic food shortages (until now). Anything was available in well stocked supermarkets and luxury boutiques. A joke about Putin is that his plan for the economy has worked 10
spectacularly. It is to make people very rich and happy. A list of all the names it has worked for is available on an A4 sheet of paper from the Kremlin. Living in a totalitarian country or even one with few freedoms causes widespread paranoia. There’s the one about the dissident whose pet parrot disappears. She goes to the Belarus KGB office in her town and reports the disappearance. “Why have you come here,” asks the duty officer, “report it with the normal police.” She replies: “I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.” Even the officials can get caught up in paranoia. A court case results in a citizen being sentenced to 15 years hard labour in a Chinese labour camp. The judge is beside himself with laughter as he passed down the sentence. A court clerk asks him what is the matter? The judge replies: “If I told you I’d have to sentence you to 15 years hard labour as well.” One reoccurring joke dates back to Comrade Stalin who condemned millions of Soviet citizens to death. It concerns a dissident who stands in Red Square in front of the Kremlin with a sign. It reads: “Stalin is an idiot.” Arrested, tried and sentenced to 20 years in the Gulag the dissident receives one year for the protest and 19 years for revealing a state secret. In 2022 there is no shortage of anti-
This year the world has woken up to the threat of dictators bent on taking over the world. President Putin is the most obvious candidate who appears hell bent on invading his neighbours. But the invasion of Ukraine has not gone well. Putin critic Garry Kasporov quipped: “We are now entering day 100 of the special military operation to take Kyiv in two days.” Another country threatening war is North Korea. Every week they fire off another missile with the only casualties being fish in the Sea of Japan. One North Korean defector said the Americans would be surprised if one of the missiles reached the USA – but not as surprised as the North Koreans. Another Putin joke revived from Soviet times is: an American and a Russian are arguing about which country has more freedom. The American says, “I can walk right up to the White House and shout, ‘Down with President Biden!’ and nothing bad will happen to me.” The Russian replies, “Guess what? I can walk in front of Kremlin and shout, ‘Down with President Biden!’ and nothing will happen to me either.” Back in the USSR where there was widespread inefficiency in the vast stateowned bankrupt industries, the workers would joke, ‘they pretend to pay us and we pretend to work.’ Putin’s special military operation in Ukraine has created a new genre of jokes – not only in Ukraine but in Russia as well. Russians who have fled the country comment online about their dictators News Speak from Orwell’s 1984. Ukraine has said 30,000 Russian soldiers have died in the war. That’s not true say the ex-pat Russians, they’re not dead but have failed to reach their health Rapscallion Magazine
