4 | Fatherhood
MAKING IT. WORK. Financially speaking, kids are like cement water wings, making it much harder to stay afloat. The fun folks at the US Department of Agriculture (yep, the cabbage-yield people) calculate that the average American family spends $12,980 per year per child.1 Practically speaking, that means new fathers are more dependent on their employers at precisely the moment when they have fewer extra hours to offer. As such, the postbaby struggle to balance professional and personal obligations can feel like a government appropriations process: it’s confusing, rules are involved, and any compromise breeds contempt on both sides of the aisle. Determining the rules of your new existence as a father—what it means to be a father at work and at home—isn’t particularly easy. But as with all things, management, tactics, and goal-setting are key. Sure, the exercise of sitting in a room and ranking one’s priorities can feel ridiculous, but it’s worthwhile. Fatherhood changes a person, and you have to come to grips with that. In management-speak, you’re the only one to “onboard” the new guy. Becoming a father doesn’t fundamentally change the underlying mechanics of balancing home life and work life, but it does shift the fulcrum, destabilizing the whole system. You may be able to exert the proper pressure to get things back on the level, but you will likely never achieve long-term equilibrium. Raising a kid is a dynamic process. Birth is just the first of many seismic shifts that will mess up whatever balance you think you’ve achieved. Still, it’s a place to start. Understand that balancing your family life and your work life isn’t a one-and-done proposition. It’s a long and evolving process. Starting that process in the proper headspace and being proactive and thoughtful about the discussions you have, the stands you take, and the concessions you make in the run-up to the birth of your child can set a good precedent for both you and your employer. But instability will inevitably become the status quo, so the best bet is to get strong sea legs early on. In this case, that means figuring out your personal goals and getting into a tactical mindset. Here’s something you’re going to notice during these preliminary conversations with your manager: you’re in a crap bargaining position. Parenthood requires that employees ask their employers for more—more understanding, more access to benefits (which shouldn’t be a problem but often is), and more flexibility—at exactly the moment when they need a job the most. Expecting dads and new dads who sense this dynamic but